Chapter 46.
POV Faith.
I’ve never been to a wedding before. Truth be told, I’ve never even been invited to a wedding before. Add in all other important life events and I’ve pretty much been overlooked for all of them. Never a girl to stand on ceremony. Never a girl to give a shit. And ain’t it funny how life can change..? I’m all about the ceremony now. As dusty eyed as the rest of them as Anya had first glided past, as entranced as I have ever been by the look of pure love in Xander’s waiting eyes. Man, it was some kind of perfect. Even the birds seeming to extend their dawn chorus for today, a pretty little twitter to accompany the bride and her maids down the aisle.
If I was the marrying type, then this is definitely the kind of gig I would want.
None of that big fancy shit, just a few close friends, just the people who really care. Anya was gonna go with the big blast at first, all consumed with ideas from glossy mags, all intent on inviting half of the demon underworld. But Xander put his foot down. Not worried about the demons, just freaking about inviting his family. And I can get that. They say you can’t choose your family, but there’s nothing to say you have to invite them to your wedding. I just wish he’d put his foot down a little firmer, hadn’t caved to Anya’s insistence of having at least one old friend here.
I mean, seriously, who invites a vengeance demon to their wedding?
Talk about mixed messages. One minute swearing to be someone’s adoring sex poodle for all of eternity, and then the next, swearing that your bosom chum can, if needed, reduce your existence to nothing more than a slimy pool of rotting entrails. Cute. Definitely my favourite of all the wedding speeches. And people say that I have issues..?
My only issue has been keeping my eye on the demon. Both of my eyes. At all times. Forget seducing the socks off of Buffy, that mission changed as soon as I saw the guest list. As soon as I saw Hal-freak walking through my door.
“What the fuck is she doing here?!”
My thoughts torn from the adoring gaze of my smitten girlfriend. No longer basking in the looks that she was caressing my dress with, no longer feeling the fingers she was caressing my flesh with.
“What, who…” Her eyes forced to follow the same path as mine, feeling her stiffen at my side. “…Halfrek?”
“Yeah. Her. What’s she doing here?”
Buffy had shrugged a little, gone back to making the cooing noises as her fingers drifted slowly across silk. “Anya wanted her here. She promised no funny business…”
“And you’re okay with that?” Taking her hand away from my dress and holding it tight in mine. “You’re not worried..?”
Her gaze had flitted between the two of us. Taking in Hal as she was embraced by Anya, taking in me as I tensed a notch higher. “No. I’m not worried. She’d be a fool to try anything stupid.”
Right. And demons are never stupid. Never foolish.
I’d had to voice my concern some more. Trying to get Buffy to understand the tingling of my slayer senses. The nasty wicked vibe that having her here was bringing to me. The memory of the time when she had brought pain into our home. When she had preceded death. When she had invited evil in.
But had she listened?
No fucking way. Shaking off her stiffness to replace it with that perky thing. Bouncing over to the new ‘guest’ and offering her a welcome. It was bullshit. It still is bullshit. The demon may have everyone else fooled, may have them all believing that she is here for a celebration, but not me. I’m still following her every move, straining to hear her every word. Wondering how much damage I can do with the pins which are keeping my hair all nicely piled.
I’d go for the eyes first. The eyes which are meeting my stare now. Across the twilight dusk of the garden, beneath the fairy lights that I had spent hours diligently hanging with Buffy. And I bet she feels it too. Surely demons feel the call of the night as strongly as slayers do. The keening of senses, the quickening of a pulse, the stale stench of evil…
“A penny for them?”
“Huh?” I reluctantly break my stare from demon gal to fix it upon B. Joining me in the fast growing shadows, her head tilting to the side as she gives me the once over.
“You, looking all doom, gloom and thoughtful… what’s up?”
“Nothing’s up.”
“Riiight.” Her lips curve into a smile as she doubts me, but I can’t let it calm me. My eyes shifting again. The air shifting again. No surprise as I find the demon still stalking me with her gaze. “Faith?”
No doubt looking for pain. Something to quench her thirst for misery.
“What the fuck is her problem?”
“Problem..? Who?”
And I know that she isn’t that dumb. Not even close. “Quit the shit B. I know that you can feel it.”
“Apart from the champagne giddies, all that I’m feeling is the neglect…”
Her moves are purposeful as she breaks my line of sight. Getting between me and my prey. Interrupting my focus.
“…you spent last night away from me, made yourself all pretty, and then you spent the whole of today stalking Halfrek… a girl could start to worry.”
I wish that she would.
Whoa. Scrap that. I’m not making any wishes… it’s not safe.
“I’m not stalking her B, she’s stalking me.”
I’m certain of the fact. All day feeling her penetrative gaze. Sure that her eyes will still be on me now.
Only…
“Well, where is she then, Miss Paranoia?”
And that’s just fucking great. Truly. Fucking perfect.
B moving aside only showing me that I’ve lost her. Not assuring me that I’m wrong. That I have nothing to worry about.
My eyes scan quick. Darting amongst our friends, searching out our foe. “Where’d she go?”
“Probably to the bathroom. I heard that demons need to pee too. Crazy huh?”
“I’m not joking B.”
“I got that.” She still tries to distract me with that smile, her eyes shining to match the green of her dress. “It prompted my concern. You do remember the whole ‘what’s up’ comment?”
And only B would aim for cute in the middle of a crisis. A cute I aim to displace with the nudging of her memory.
“Do you remember how dangerous Halfrek can be?”
“Yes Faith. I remember… but today, this is a good day, a happy day. Why do you wanna change that?”
Me?
“I don’t wanna change that. I’m protecting that.”
“And if we don’t need protecting?”
“And if you do?”
She rolls her eyes and does that exasperated sigh thing she learnt from Giles. Her lips still looking to find a curve, her hand reaching out to touch mine. “You really think that there’s something to worry about?”
YES!!!
“Err… yeah.”
“Even though she’s been here all day and nothing has gone wrong?”
“Yet. Nothing has gone wrong yet.”
Her thumb rubs soft against the silk of my dress, imploring me to forget worry, to remember her.
“You sure you’re not just a little bit paranoid?”
Dropping her voice to entice me forwards.
“Better paranoid than dead.”
And my words instantly stop her silent assault. I won’t be steamrollered by her seduction. I might like to be, but I won’t be. There’s just something… damn, not right. I know there’s more to the demon being here other than celebrating a wedding. Screw paranoid. I’m sure of it.
“Faith…”
“No B, just think about it. What better time to catch us off guard than today? Everyone too happy to remember to be aware…”
Her face drops the smile and grabs at resigned. Resigned to listening to what I have to say, her eyes clouding over to hide the happiness. And I hate to do it, I love to see her smile, but this is important. “…I’ve seen too much to hide behind the good times Buffy. If something is going down today, then I wanna know about it first.”
And I do. My eyes leaving her again to search out the shadows. The hairs on my neck raising in the darkness to let me know that she is here. Somewhere. Watching me as closely as I want to watch her.
It’s a sick feeling. A churning feeling.
My fingers lace between B’s to run across the silk of my dress again. Not for comfort, or seduction, but to feel it. To understand. Nestling her hand against the uneasiness of my stomach… “Do you feel that..?”
“I… maybe?” I watch as her own eyes flit fast across the garden, straining hard to see the things which trouble me. “What about Wills, the spell… no monsters?”
“This one’s invited B, I think it makes a difference.”
The moonlight catches her face as it changes, sliding from curious concern, to the first lines of worry. Her gaze travelling again, rooting amongst the friends that we have sight of. Finally resting back on me, her voice now tainted with urgency.
“Where’s Dawn?”
I have it covered.
“With Cordy. They’re inside.”
“Well what if she’s inside… what if you’re right?”
My body feels the hum of hers as muscles tense and coil, as she realises the full threat that the vengeance demon may possess.
“Chill B, she’s not inside.” Not knowing how I know other than the sensation of being watched, observed. Still feeling the weight of her hidden stare as it sits upon me.
“Chill..? You’re telling me to chill?!” The pitch of her voice hints at hysterical, so I move to pull her further back into the shadows. “You freak me out and now you want me to chill, how does that work exactly..?”
“It works by being calm, not freaking anyone else out. We can handle this alone… it’s like you said; people wanna be happy today…”
And no matter what comes to pass, I wanna keep it that way. We’re the slayers, we deal with demons. “…let’s just find her and sort out the sitch. Yeah?”
“I should’ve known. Nothing can ever just be nice, right? There always has to be some form of major disaster…”
It’s almost like she was waiting on an entrance as Buffy speaks her words, the chill spreading right through me as soon as I see her. Just outside reaching distance, shrouded in darkness. Still set on that fucked up stare.
“B…” I nudge her softly to get her to shut up. To focus. To draw her attention to where it needs to be resting.
“Halfrek..?” The soft whisper of her voice calling out the demon.
“Finally I have you together.”
And what the fuck does that mean? She thinks she can take us both on? She doesn’t realise that I could pulverise her body with barely a touch?
I step forward to remind her, swapping my shadows for hers, my danger laced tones forewarning her of what she faces. “You shouldn’t be here. You should leave.”
Pretending at a politeness I don’t feel, giving her the opportunity to avoid my anger.
“I was invited here, Anyanka wanted me here…”
She says it as if it makes a fucking difference. As if I care. Her use of Anya’s old name making me reach out a hand to grab, finding the front of her dress and slamming her back hard into the fence.
“So I’m gonna have to make you leave..? Suits me fine.”
“Let go.”
“Eat shit.”
My face is in her face and I get to see it first hand. The way her eyes begin to glow, almost kaleidoscopic, nothing I’ve ever seen before…
“Faith… let go…”
Buffy’s words not mattering as I seek to see what it is that burns so bright in the demon’s eyes. Realising too late that it’s power… that she has a whole heap of slayer smashing power.
I think maybe I yelp a little as she reverses our positions, my back tensing as she pushes me forward against the tree I had hid behind, bark scratching my back through the silk of my dress. And I can’t move, I can’t fucking move. Struggling to break free of her hold, urging Buffy with my eyes to wade into the fight…
“Don’t. I’m not here to hurt anyone.”
Demon words meaning nothing as she holds me so submissive.
“Fuck you.”
My knee trying to raise in the confines of the Cordy picked outfit, hearing a rip as my muscles obey the basic commands. And yelping again as she slams me again.
“Do you have a hearing problem?” Spoken so matter of fact that I have to wonder what the hell is going on…
“What?”
“I said I’m not here to hurt anyone, you don’t have to fight me.”
And the ease with which she holds me makes me hope that there is some truth to that. She’s sposed to be a vengeance demon for fuck sake, I can subdue vengeance demons with the strength in one finger…
“Maybe we should hear her out.”
“Maybe she should let me the fuck go.” And as I say it, she does it. A smile gracing her lips as she releases me with the same ease she held me. Making my mouth work in tandem with my brain. “What the hell ‘are’ you..?”
Because she ain’t no vengeance demon. No fucking way.
She waits until Buffy is at my side before she begins speaking. Soothing fingers across my back doing nothing to distract me from the eyes which still peer into me. My senses still tingling, my gut still churning.
“I think the question should be, what are you?”
And what the fuck?
Feeling the irritation as she deflects my question with some obscure bullshit. Thankful that B has the composure to speak when all that I want to do is fight.
“Faith asked first.”
Oh great. Schoolyard logic is sure to win.
“What I am isn’t that important, it’s what you are that counts.”
“Me are? I thought you said that Faith is?”
And that draws a blank from the demon. Maybe not subdued by schoolyard logic, but certainly rendered confused by Buffy’s choice of speech. It gives me an opening, another chance to get a question in, something else I want answered.
“Why are you here..? And forget the wedding crap… why are you really here?”
“Weddings are good. Well, they start off good… usually end in tears and torture, someone seeking justice…”
I bring my hand up to run through the hair that isn’t hanging, frustrated by her avoidance, remembering the hair pins as my weapons of choice. This is fucking pointless. She’s probably just stalling us while she thinks of ways to boil our brains.
“…justice that I used to seek to give.”
“Used to? What does that mean?” Buffy asks her, but I already know. The force in her body has already spilt that secret to me.
“Used to. No longer am. Out of the vengeance gig.”
Oh man. She does this stupid little twirl thing, jazz hands accompanying her movement, all pleased with herself. “I have new bosses now… different orders.”
I just settle back and watch. My body still humming to the tingle inside, happy to stand back and let B do the talking.
“Orders? From who?”
“That would be telling.”
And isn’t that what you do when someone asks?
“Do you practice being this cryptic?”
“It comes with the job.”
And where’s that tree again? How hard can I bang my head against it?
B looks like she might want to join me. Her eyes rolling, then stopping. Her face scrunching into her thinking face, her bottom lip caught between the vice grip of her teeth. “B..?”
“Wait… being cryptic comes with the job?”
“Exactly.”
Am I the only one lost?
Not knowing why the demon’s eyes light at Buffy’s words. I just know I fucking hate cryptic. Cordy’s visions are always so damn cryptic, slayer dreams are always so fucking cryptic… I don’t see why Hal-Freak has to jump on the bandwagon.
“You mean…” I stop my thoughts to listen to Buffy, urging her to shed light onto the sitch. To make it make sense. “…you, you’re… working for ‘them’ now?”
Who now?
“Well done.”
Hal congratulates. Buffy smiles. And in my next life I’m coming back as a tortoise. With a shell. A shell that can be hidden inside when nothing in the world makes a damn bit of sense!
“Okay, call me stupid B, but what the fuck are you two talking about?”
“It’s easy Faith… who do you know that deals only in cryptic?”
Cordy?
“Uh… she works for Cordy?” It sounds dumb as I say it and I’m prepared for the little teasing smile that tugs Buffy’s mouth higher.
“No. Silly. Think about it… who does Cordy work for?”
Oh. Oh oh oh! Now that makes a little more sense. Maybe. Though…
“You mean, the PTB… right?”
Cos I have to check. For as much sense as any of this makes, she could of meant Angel. Cordy does work for him too. Though that would make even less sense. I think.
Fuck, I’m confused.
“Yes Faith. Correct.”
Yay?
“So why the mystery bullshit, why not just tell us… before you made me rip my dress?”
I point out the tear that my jerking knee had caused, narrowing my eyes again on the… err… not so sure what she is now. But narrowing them anyway. Pissed at all the confusion.
“It’s how they like things done. They don’t like to get too involved… all of this is highly unusual...”
You think?
“…in all my years on the bad side of good, I have never seen the Powers grant anyone what they are willing to grant you. It’s unheard of for them to take such a personal interest…”
Buffy’s voice breaks through her vague attempt at explanations. Picking up on the stand out phrase. “What they are willing to grant us… what does that mean?”
“That comes later. First you have to understand. Have to know the debt that is owed to you.”
Understanding sounds good. Really fucking good.
I wait in the silence that comes for her to say more, holding tight to the hand that Buffy places in mine, my confusion calming in the surety of her presence at my side. I’m still tingling, distrust is still fuelling my deep blown out breaths… but the danger feels less. I’m ready to listen.
“I can talk about all of this because it’s already passed, my suggestion to you would be to listen very closely… it may sound cryptic, but there really are clues in all of this. Pointers to the things that are yet to come to pass.”
Words making me turn my head towards B, my eyes matching hers in a complete lack of understanding. “You as confused as me B?”
“Probably more confused. I was doing so well with getting the PTB part worked out… now I’m just lost.”
At least that makes two of us. I switch my attention back to Hal, arching my eyebrows in a signal for her to continue. Hoping that some of it means more than nothing to me.
“Destiny is what binds the universe together. Everything has a destiny, a path which marks a life until death… it’s what allows the Powers to exist. Without destiny there would be no power, no order… no nothing.”
“We know all about destiny Hallie, me and Faith have both been imprisoned by destiny… what’s your point?”
She tuts her displeasure. A sad shake of the head. “Always so keen to have answers, when the answers already lay in the telling. You saved the world. That is the point. Should I go now?”
“I saved the world a heap of times, you wanna be more specific?”
My hand feels the tenseness as it races through her body, clenching just that little bit harder. Her voice steeling in her quest to know. Probably as sick of all the bullshit as I am. And it’s my turn to try at calming, my thumb dancing circles in her palm, my words whispered with the intention of being only for her ears. “Calm down B, let’s just listen to what she has to say.”
Somehow knowing that I need to listen to what is being said. Perhaps recognising the tingle now… a memory pricking far back in my mind, places that I push to forget, sensations that it hurts me to feel…
“Do you remember, Faith?”
Her words sending me further down the path. Fighting to keep my eyes open so that I don’t have to see. I don’t want to remember, I already know. “The leech… you’re talking about the leech.”
“The Hirudo Beluosa. Evil’s attempt to destroy the path of destiny.”
My palms building a sweat as my heart pumps double. Crashing against my chest in a frantic rhythm which seeks to never stop beating. My ears straining hard to hear above the onslaught.
“It was a battle that should never have been fought, a false prophecy sought to send you in the wrong direction… fooling everyone. The boy. Your council. Almost yourselves.”
“What the fuck has the council got to do with the leech? They weren’t even involved in that shit…”
“Everything is involved. Everything matters. False destiny can be just as easy to follow as the true kind… surely you understand that Faith?”
And was that a dig? A yanking of my chain?
Maybe she’s trying to wind us up. Maybe she’s the false fucking prophet.
“Since time began, the very beginning… before the beginning even, it’s been destined. The battles that would rage, the first and the last. The winner not mattering as long as the destiny was adhered to.” She breaks the monotone to stare straight at me again, making me uneasy again. “No one noticed the false path being laid until it was already there… until you were already walking upon it.”
“Should’ve guessed I’d be the one doing the walking. Big bad Faith strikes again, right?”
“You were misled by evil.” And now her stare does drop from penetrating, it softens, her eyes inviting instead of piercing. “That is something that I understand.”
“Well maybe we can start a club sometime or something, just as soon as you tell me what the hell any of this means.” My hand breaks from Buffy’s to try and tug at my hair again, frustrated more as I’m met by pins. “I get the cryptic, okay? But Jesus, give us a break…”
“I’m trying to.”
I must have missed that part.
“Evil knows the fight that is coming and because of destiny it knows the way that the battle will rage. Everything that you have faced has sought to change that. The Hirudo Beluosa, Warren, your Council… all of it permeated by the source of all evil, everything meant to destroy the way that things must be.”
Again she breaks her speech to engage in a stare. My eyes forgotten as she focuses on B, as she speaks words meant solely for her. “Even you Buffy.”
“Even me?”
“When your witch resurrected your soul, it was evil that allowed it. The Powers had given you rest… only you could have requested to change that.”
“Oh.” And I second that oh. “You mean… I’m not meant to be here. I was meant to be dead?”
Not a comforting thought.
“You made the choice, you followed your destiny. You know the answer.”
“Oh.”
She repeats her previous thought and I seek to second it again. Seeking her hand also, remembering my comfort role.
“So let me get this straight… you’re saying that none of this should of happened, B’s meant to be…” A thought I can’t speak. “…uh, not here… and me?”
She looks at me to fill the gap, not willing to speak of a future that’s not yet come to pass.
“I’m…” Remembering what she said. The answers are in what has been said. “…I’m guessing that I’m all destined to fight in this big battle royale against the source of all evil… right?”
Her eyes confirm to me what her words won’t. “Destiny takes many turns, I can’t tell you what will occur in the future.”
But I can feel the way that my card has been marked. The persistent tingle. The roar of the slayer in the back of my mind.
“Is that it?” I speak it dismissively, as if I haven’t just been made aware of an importance I had never guessed I would own. Maybe once I would’ve wished for it, sometime long before I understood the gravity of duty. “Are we done now?”
“No Faith. We are not done. Not by a long way.”
“Well maybe you could speed it up a bit, cos as thrilling as this shit is, I’ve got a wedding to celebrate… friends that might wonder where the fuck we are.”
And that makes her smile. Makes her wave her hands in the direction of a scene that sits motionless. “You have to love the benefits of working for a higher power…”
Uh-huh.
My eyes widening as my gaze falls on each of our unanimated guests. The air around me still moving, yet the people in front of me frozen in time. It’s kinda freaky. Only making me want to get this done with. Over with. All of it.
“Are they okay?”
“They’re fine Buffy. They’re… paused. When we are finished they will never even know that they stopped.”
“Wow. Why don’t we get nifty little powers like that..? Do you know how easy it would be to fight evil if we could freeze the damn frame whenever we felt like it?”
“Which brings me back to destiny.”
“Well, whoop-dee-fucking-doo.”
I whisper it somewhere beneath my breath, but she still hears. Still turns her eyes back my way. “It’s not supposed to be easy, it is what it is. The choice only yours whether you rise to your destiny. Whether you rise above it.”
My shoulders slumping as I realise there will be no end to the confusion. Maybe ever. Maybe it’s my destiny to be stuck here listening to this bullshit for all of eternity. Fantastic. Really.
“Both of you have risen above your destiny. Both of you have fought a battle that should never have existed… not only fought the battle but also solved the consequences.”
“There’s consequences now? You hear that Faith…”
“I’m still lost B.”
“The third slayer was not destined, not yet… you died in a false battle, it never should have been. All of it was manufactured, a plan laid by evil to taint the coming of the future. Even your mighty council not pure enough to resist the depravity.” She takes a moment and shakes her head, her eyes looking to reach into the very depths of my soul. “An army of slayers, at this time, would have ripped apart the very fabric which holds all of your destinies together. The slayer line would have been destroyed forever, right along with your witch. It was evil’s last stand, a last attempt to poison the river of time. To prevent the tide from turning.”
And there was me thinking we objected due to a moral stand. I never guessed we were stitching together the fabric of destiny.
I wonder if it comes in silk…
“I knew it!”
She did?
I flick my gaze to Buffy to witness her triumphant smile. A grin that soars further as she turns to explain. “I knew that I was right to get the wiggins over Kennedy! There IS only meant to be the two of us…”
“Dork.”
“I’m just saying…”
A totally lovable dork.
“Could you please let me finish?”
Oh, right. Lets get back to the crap. Can’t wait.
“Go ahead.”
She shakes her head again at my blasé tone, my disinterested face.
“I don’t think either of you are grasping the magnitude of what is happening here. You’re being let in on the very secrets of the universe, do you understand that?”
Whatever.
“Yeah, sure… keep going.”
And I can’t help the cocky, I have to do something to keep myself sane. And I don’t think that she can help the enraged. The way that her voice rises above the tone befitting an envoy to the boys upstairs. The way that she loses her composure.
“This is ridiculous! Can you believe that I requested this, that I thought I had scores which I could settle, that I wanted to bring you happiness in return for what happened in the basement…” Her hands flapping about her head bringing more meaning to her words. “…just listen, for all of your sakes, can you please just listen!?”
And I’m listening.
“When you defeated the Hirudo Beluosa, Faith, then the Powers were given their wake up call. It was only then that they understood the shattering of destiny… most of the time they don’t pay attention. Things run as things should and they amuse themselves by sending a few mysterious messages. It works. For them it’s worked since time immortal… when you wrapped your hands in a choke hold around evil, then they heard your call. They saw what was happening…”
And what is her deal with stoking up the bad memories? The stench of burning flesh so fresh in my mind. The slide of my skin as evil had crept beneath it, inside of me…
“Hey… wait a minute…”
I speak without thought. My hands creeping up to cover my eyes, remembering more than the burning… something more intense than the stench of frying flesh…
“The light… it was them?”
The light that had erupted from me when I had thought that the end had finally arrived. A surge running through me, delivered straight to the heart of evil. Funny how you can forget about things like that amongst the things that happen everyday.
“What light?”
“Huh?”
“What light Faith, I don’t remember any lights… you never mentioned any lights.”
And I guess she forgot too. The time that I remembered… being sick, talking nonsense… asking about the light. Fuck. And fuck again.
“I’ll tell ya later B, I promise…” Cos right now I really wanna hear the rest. Now that some things make sense, I need sense for all of it. “…Hal?”
“Yes. It was them. Like I said, when you plunged your fists into evil it woke the Powers up. They had no idea that destiny was dying…”
“No, wait… I had dreams, slayer dreams…” Buffy breaks in, and she is right. She did have dreams. I remember not having them.
“You really believe that those dreams are all sent by the powers of good..?”
“I assumed.”
“Wrong assumption. It’s why Faith never had the dreams, there were no dreams to be had, the Powers knew nothing about it.”
And maybe she does have explanations for everything.
“This is all really messed up.”
“It is Buffy. And that is why I am here. You slayers have sorted out a mess that even the Powers That Be could not hope to have sorted. They helped with the power when Faith was in hell, but that was all that they could do, channel their power through a source of good…”
Hey, hey, check me out! Source of good. Has a nice ring to it.
“…Everything else was done by you two alone. You Buffy, you were brought back here only to bring pain… to self destruct along with your family and your friends. But you didn’t, you beat it, you found love instead, a love that brought Faith back, that released her from the final grasp of the evil. It was both of you who stood firm against a desire to create an army of slayers… you protected not only your own destiny, but the destiny of the world. Maybe of all worlds.”
“Is this where you tell us ‘well done’, and offer us a bonus?”
“No way B, that’d be far too simple. Plus, ya know, with your destiny being all not meant to be here… gotta figure it’s my bonus, right?”
Slipping away from serious again to talk shit with B. Something familiar. Something that makes sense.
“It’s not a bonus. The PTB don’t do bonuses, I know. Three claims for overtime and all of them dismissed. No, this is more like… let’s say a wish. The opportunity to mould just a little bit of destiny your own way.”
“But you just said that we all have a destiny that shouldn’t be messed with, now you’re offering us a wish to change destiny? Am I the only one seeing a flaw in that logic?”
“It all depends on what you wish for Buffy. You can’t change destiny, even the most powerful source of all evil couldn’t change destiny… you are being given the chance to sweeten destiny. It’s different.”
It is?
She stands back now and falls silent. As if she has said all that needs to be said. As if she believes that she has enlightened us.
“So we can wish for anything?”
“Yes, you can.”
And does B have something in mind?
I turn to her and seek direction, a clue as to what we should do. “You got something you’re wanting B?”
“I don’t know. I think so.” She gazes at me and it feels kinda peaceful, kinda serene. Ending the feeling to turn back to Hal, to ask another question. “How long do we have, to make up our minds?”
Making the ex-demon smile again. Her hands floating out again. “What is time?”
Our frozen friends. Time eternal.
“Can we at least think about it, maybe have a little alone time to figure out what to do… what we want?”
“As you wish.”
And she goes. Just like that. Leaving us standing confused in shadows that no longer move. Not growing and shifting, not creeping out further with the passing of time. Cos time isn’t passing. Cos everything is fucked up.
“Pinch me B?”
“You what?”
“Pinch me.”
Needing her to at least let me know that I am still here. That something has remained constant throughout the insanity. Relieved when her fingers do stroke across my skin in a little light pinch.
“Okay?”
“Yeah… I think. Although… what the fucking hell was THAT all about?”
“You know what?” I shake my head. “I have no clue. I don’t… this isn’t… I mean, even for us, this is kinda weird, right?”
“Totally. Bizarre.”
My eyes can’t help but look to our friends again, still stood as almost comical statues, sure that Buffy’s eyes are searching out the same path. “Ya know what would be really cool?” A breezy thought crossing my mind in an attempt at lightening the air.
I switch my gaze back to her and I was right. Her own eyes stuck fast on her stuck fast friends. “Nah-uh… what would be cool?”
“We call Hal back, wish for everyone to be naked, and then switch the power back on. Man, imagine their faces B… funny as hell.”
And she laughs. Kinda shakes her head and rolls her eyes too. But she does laugh.
“You don’t think we should take the wish thing more serious?”
Why?
“I dunno… what ya thinking?”
Memories resurfacing again as I watch emotion cross her face. Her eyes that can tear in an instant, hurt and pain that she usually manages to keep pretty well hidden. And I really am an idiot if I don’t know what she would wish for. Her best dream. Her worst dream. I know what she wants.
“I was… if you don’t mind, maybe…”
Shocked by the fact that she still has insecurities, that she could ever still think that I don’t want the same things as her. “B… I know.”
Loving it as her eyes come back to me. Not teary, not sad. But alive. Alight.
“You mean… you think we can ask for that?”
“She said anything. Why not vacation time?”
“Oh wow. We could go anywhere…”
“Do anything…”
“Oh my god. I’m getting a vacation.”
Did I say alight? I meant popping from her skull! My smile being squeezed out of me as she wraps her hold so tight around my body. Not caressing or sexy, just damn hard, full of the joy. The good stuff.
“Easy B, squeeze any tighter and you’ll need a new vacation buddy.”
But I’ve lost her. My ears awash with crazy chatter, insane banter. What to take, what to wear, where to go, beach or ski, hotel or villa, aeroplane or boat…
Her mind may be able to take the onslaught, but mine is fading fast. Only caring that she can have what she wants. That life can get to be this perfect.
“…and I haven’t ever had a chance to wear that bikini! Oh god, I have these sandals as well… definitely beach. I think beach. You think beach?”
I think bikini. I think yes.
“Whatever you want B… whatever you want.”
Sliding a little of the sexy that I have kept hidden all day into my words now. My fingers wanting to remember how her flesh feels under the green of her dress. Wondering if I could rip it from her as easy as my own dress ripped. Fuelled by her happiness, urged on by my own. And gasping as she squeezes me tight again. As her mouth crashes against mine and quietens all of my thoughts.
“I love you Faith…”
Whispered as she pulls back from me, as her forehead comes to rest against my own.
“I love you too B.”
“Shall we call her back?”
“Yeah. Although…” I can feel another thought forming. Arriving unbidden. Like a flash of inspiration. “…lets go play with the statues first, best pose wins?”
“That’s mean!”
“Yeah. You in?”
And I know that she will be. Sometimes liking to pretend that she still has that sharp stick wedged up her ass, but we both know I yanked that out a long while ago. She loves finding the fun. She instigates finding fun. Playing it coy now though…
“What would we do to them exactly..?”
“Nothing bad. Not bad bad. Just, ya know… posing and stuff.”
“Can we even do that? Is it okay to move them?”
“One way to find out.”
I let her fingers find mine and then pull her out of the shadows. For some reason sneaking even though there is no one to see us. All lost in their frozen thoughts. Eyes fixed and unmoving.
“This is kinda creepy… I don’t know…”
“Stop being a wuss. Pass me Anya…”
Cos I have Xander and I wanna have fun. Yeah it’s a little creepy, manoeuvring my friends like mannequins is a whole lot of weird… but it’s a whole lot of the good times too. They’ll be totally freaked when time starts passing again and the bride has her hands wedged firmly inside Xander’s pants. And the witches should be scared too. I have heaps of embarrassment to pay them back for. All the times they’ve caught me and B in the sexual situations…
We finish with the first happy couple and move onto the next. Laying Red down gently on the floor, making sure she doesn’t hit her head. Pondering our next move.
“So where shall I put Tara?”
“I dunno B, you’re creative… what do you reckon?”
I stand back and admire as she places Tara straddling her girlfriend. As she raises her arms above her head in a victorious gesture of having conquered. And I like it. It’s cute.
“Who next?”
“I say Dawnie.” Making me laugh at her lack of hesitation. At her finding of the fun.
“You enjoying yourself?”
“If I said yes, would I be bad?”
“Only as bad as me.”
I wink to confirm it. Grabbing her hand to drag her inside, hunting down our next prey. Laughing hard as we walk through the kitchen, as we catch sight of Dawn sitting on the couch next to Andrew, as the same plan formulates in each of our evil little minds…
“Do they look like they wanna be kissing to you, B?”
Knowing that we would kill anyone that actually ever tried to really kiss our little Dawn, but also knowing the weeks of torturous joy we can get from modelling the scene in exactly that way. Priceless.
“I think so. I definitely think so.”
Her smile matching mine as we slide them closer together, as we make their lips meet. And really it’s too fucking funny! Not knowing which of them will be more disgusted when they come round. Dawn for kissing Andrew, or him for kissing a girl. I can not wait.
“Is that it?”
“Hell no!” She turns and catches my eye with a shrug, looking around her at the otherwise empty room. “Cordy?”
My word bringing the biggest smirk yet to her lips.
“Oh god. THIS is going to be perfect! Queen Cordelia at my mercy…”
“Nothing too mean B, she’s…”
I go to say that she is going through a lot. I go to say that she isn’t happy. I go to say a lot of things that never make it past my lips.
“She’s what?”
But my words have been stopped by the thoughts that seek to cram my mind. The memory of her pain. How much it hurts me.
“Faith..? You okay?”
“I… shit.” My eyes searching the empty space now. Seeing the two that are missing.
And seeing Buffy’s confusion.
Somehow this feels right though, somehow I know that my thoughts are leading me in the right direction. My hand reaching out to B to urge her into taking my lead. To follow me where my senses are dictating that I go. Not knowing how I know, but absolutely sure of who I will find out on the porch. Feeling the sadness already sinking through my skin, aching in my bones. Opening the door on a scene which sits exactly the way that destiny dictates. Which is everything other than sweet.
Which hurts me again to see.
I let go of Buffy’s hand to circle them. Angel leaning up against a post, arms crossed in a pose of brooding defensiveness, and Cordy below him. Sat forlornly alone on the step. Her head tilted to look up at him. The message in her eyes not dulled by the freezing of time. Not hidden behind the mask of unshed tears.
“Ouch.”
Buffy’s simple word capturing everything that is on show. Somehow pleasing me that I don’t need to explain it. That she understands what she sees. Maybe remembering herself how painful love can be when it isn’t spoken. When it can’t be spoken.
And I have to say it. Believe me, I do not want to say it. Parts of me screaming inside that I have no right to say it. To seek to take from her everything that I want to give to her. But I have to say it. I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t say it.
“Buffy?” Drawing her eyes from the tragic scene to listen to my tragic words. “You still want that vacation..?”
First the smile. Then the nod. Then the pause. And then the realisation.
“Faith.”
Just my name whispered from her lips as she sinks down. Her green dress billowing around her like a deflated parachute. Nothing cushioning her fall back to reality.
“Do you hate me?”
Words I speak as I kneel beside her, no longer caring about the fabric of my dress, about the fabric of destiny. Just caring what she thinks. How she feels.
“Do you want a one word answer?”
“As many words as you need.”
But she isn’t speaking. She’s looking at me with tears in her eyes. Breaking her gaze to look over at them again. Eventually breaking the silence with a question I hadn’t yet considered…
“What exactly would we wish for… what can we do?”
“I dunno. I haven’t thought that far ahead.”
“I guess… it has to be the curse. We have to ask them to lift his curse.”
And that makes sense.
“You think they’ll do it Faith?”
“Halfrek said anything, I don’t see why they wouldn’t.”
“Yeah.”
She sighs as she says it, her silent nod confirming my reasoning. It’s not too much to ask. He deserves it. Both of them deserve it.
A pain in my heart as I allow that to mean more than what Buffy deserves. What I maybe deserve. The idea of a vacation paling beside the idea of helping our friends.
“You ready to call back Hallie?”
“I guess.”
Cos nothing really seems like finding the fun anymore. It’s like I know I’m doing the right thing, the only thing, but I know exactly what I’m sacrificing too. Peace. Comfort. All of the things that Buffy speaks about. All of the dreams that she longed to come true. And it fucking sucks.
I watch her as she pulls herself up from the ground, as she takes another lingering look at the friends frozen before us. As her shoulders steel and her head nods. Accepting the way things ought to be. The way that destiny should be sweetened.
“Okay Hal… you can, uh… come back now?”
But even that not hiding the sorrow in her voice. The giving up of her dreams.
I want to ask if she’s alright. If she is okay with this. But of course I don’t get the time. Just a second ago we had all the time in the world and now we have none. Hal stood before us in an instant, her eyes taking in the scene, her head nodding, her mouth opening.
“I take it you’re ready..?”
“As ready as we’ll ever be.”
I lift myself up as I say it, determined to be by Buffy’s side as we speak our request. Wondering by the look in Hal’s eyes if she doesn’t already know.
“What do you wish for?”
Just like that. My hand sliding down to find B, sighing as she grabs hard, not sure who’s really applying the pressure.
“Angel.” Surprised as she clears her throat and speaks before me. “We want his curse lifted. You said we could ask for anything, that we had a debt to be repaid… well that’s it. That’s what we want. Lift Angel’s curse. Let him have love.”
My pride surging as fast as my heart is sinking. Buoyed by her strength, yet drowning in her sorrow. It’s crap being a super hero. Being a source of good.
“As you wish.”
I expect a flash. A boom. Anything to show us that this is even real. But there is nothing. Just her words spoken into the silence. The smile that graces her face as she turns her eyes back to us.
“I know you won’t know this, I know you will likely not believe it, but you made the right choice. You done what the Powers themselves could never do alone.”
And I’m really not caring.
“They really were right about you. Thank you.” Her words meant to make us feel good.
“Maybe we could have another wish… you know, another slice of gratitude?”
“I truly am sorry Buffy… but like I said, this is all highly unusual as it is.”
No one seeks to break the silence that hangs heavy around us now. Not sure what else is left to be said. If there is anything.
“Are you ready? Shall I wake your friends?”
And I clench B’s hand just a little bit tighter. Not saying anything.
“Oh come on girls! Less with the morbid… you did good. You did the right thing.”
Then why does it feel like I just screwed up the happy ending?
“You’ll see. You don’t see now, but you’ll see.”
Whatever.
“Okay Hallie, we’re ready. Do whatever you need to do.”
And now there is a flash. And a boom. And I’m stood beneath a tree in the garden, staring out at the fairy lights, hidden deep in the shadows. The world returned to the way it should be. Not a comical pose in sight.
“Faith?”
“Yeah?”
“Pinch me?”
Somehow finding a little chuckle as perky is forced into her tone.
“That was messed up B. I’m never going to another wedding. Never.”
Smiling as she finds her own chuckle, a little nod of agreement.
“I guess we should go talk to Angel. Share the good news.”
And this time I follow her lead. Passing amongst our friends to make our way to the porch. Fixing a smile to my face the closer that we get.
This is good. We made the right decision.
Yet nothing I tell myself can distract me from the truth. From knowing that I had waved goodbye to the dreams of my girlfriend. To my dreams.
And Cordy was right. Not everybody does get to have their dreams come true.
Chapter 47
POV Buffy
I hear the door as it opens softly behind me, not turning to give welcome, but standing completely still. Back turned. Determined to shield my sadness. My eyes staying fixed on the same branch, on the same tree, as it sways effortlessly in the breeze outside of my window.
I know that I should turn. The sounds of her breath in the stillness are urging me to turn. But I can’t. Not yet. I need this moment of silence. Not only to accustom myself to the loss of broken dreams, but most importantly, to remember the dream that I already possess. To be able to turn and face her with eyes which only hold the happy. That offer her everything she deserves for being the person that she is.
She is amazing.
More amazing than any act of craziness that happened here today. More amazing than anything.
Last night, I had felt so much emptiness without her sleeping at my side. The bed seeming ten times larger. The dreams seeming ten times harsher. They’re easy to take when her smile is what wakes me in the mornings, but to wake without her… god. Harsh isn’t even the word. It doesn’t come close.
And I never want to face another night without her.
It was all that I could think as I followed Anya down the aisle. Smiling as wide as anyone can when all encased in green, my eyes tracking the heads that turned until they had finally fallen upon her. The dose of perky instantly received. My step starting to bounce until I was sure that I was gonna skip down the aisle and overtake the bride.
I didn’t though. I offered her my shy smile. Feeling the knot of butterflies in my stomach that always gathers when I’m going to see her. No matter that we live together now, no matter that I see her everyday… still the feeling stays the same. Shyness, nerves, and then a need to touch. To talk. To just be in her presence. Her eyes not showing any nerves, just gliding down across my form, a wink which hinted at lewdness being tossed in my direction. And maybe I would have retaliated, would have given her a look of my own. But I was done for. Lost. My eyes enraptured by the way that her hair was piled so gracefully atop her head. Just a few tendrils escaping. Framing her face. Framing her smile.
It really wasn’t my fault that I froze. That Dawn piled into me from behind and caused me to stumble forward. That if I didn’t have the reactions of a slayer, then Anya would have probably met her groom to be, sliding on her ass. Nope. If you had seen the beauty that I had seen, you would be pretty darn frozen too.
And so I had ignored the little giggles behind me, Anya’s turn and tut in front of me, and just focused on reaching the end of the aisle. On getting closer to the girl that sends my head all ditzy.
Then came the dress. And then came the wow!
Cordy may be hard to take sometimes, but there is no doubting her ability to conquer the fashion. To be able to pick a piece of clothing and turn it into perfection. She did that today. Faith sat in front of me looking like the most perfect form of perfection I have ever seen. And don’t you just know that she had found some shyness of her own then. Sat beneath my awestruck gaze, her blush tinted cheeks had flushed even pinker. Maybe not used to being adored so openly, maybe not used to seeing my jaw stuck so firmly to the floor.
Speechless.
Even now, hours passed, and I can’t find the right words to describe just how delectable she looked. If Tara hadn’t found the strength to tug me forward into place, then I am sure that I would still be stood before her, looking dumbstruck. Not stood before her offering only my back. I’m getting there though. Listening to her movements behind me. Wondering at the words that she also can’t seem to find.
And maybe still being stood dumbstruck this morning would be a good thing. Believing that the day would yield only happiness. Not a clue that the day had so many secrets to be revealed. So many surprises in store.
I don’t like surprises. They catch you off guard. Fate waiting until you’re smiling, to hit you with a frown. And I don’t like fate either. Or destiny. I guess you could say that I’m not too happy with any of them.
I mean, the dreams… I’ve learnt to live with the dreams. Taking Faith’s advice to revel in the peace I found at bedtime instead of torturing myself with the knowledge that I would never have it when I awoke. I’ve almost gotten used to them. Expecting the same dreamscape whenever I seek rest. Knowing that come morning it will be her lips which kiss me awake, which bring me back to reality. Pushing aside all of the pain in my heart to feel the love in my heart.
And thank you Hallie for delivering so much more of the pain.
Me too stupid to believe Faith’s warnings. Not accepting that anything would swoop down to steal the joy from our perfect day. You’d think that I’d know better. That I would’ve learnt by now. But nope. I didn’t have a clue what was in store until Faith had rested my hands upon her stomach, had shared with me the uneasy feeling that was flooding fast through her system. Then I had felt it. The air prickling about me. The hairs standing to attention on the back of my neck.
“I’m not here to hurt anyone…”
That’s what she had said. Yet here I am, feeling hurt.
For those few moments, the moments when I still believed in happy endings, I don’t think that I have ever been happier. More excited. The thought of spending vacation time with Faith, the equivalent of hitting a double rollover lottery win. A win that lasted all of about ten minutes. Just the time it takes to realise that the destiny you are supposed to be sweetening, will always remain bitter. Will always hold you prisoner.
“You made the right choice… you did the right thing…”
More nuggets of highly useless information that Hallie had seen fit to serve. Not making me feel any better, just assuring me that the PTB really are sick bastards. They had to know… with the things they have shown to me, they had to know what I would desire, the one thing that I would be sure to wish for. But they never wanted that. We did the right thing. We gave our wish away.
I swallow down the little lump that rises in my throat, still banishing my tears, urging myself to grow a backbone. It’s crazy. I have so much to be thankful for… you’d think I’d get over these little pity parties I throw for myself. But honestly. It hurts. And no amount of slaps on the back, well dones, or thank yous, will ever stop that from hurting.
Not that we had been bowled over with thanks. Oh no. We had to be treated like idiots first. Eyes looking at us as if we had over indulged in the champagne, as if we’d popped off the planet and beamed back in from the land of the insane.
“Okay… call me crazy Faith, but what the hell are you talking about..?”
Cordy rising up from her step on the porch to question all of the things that had fallen from Faith’s lips.
“You’re telling me that time froze, the PTB popped down to grant you a wish… and…” Her voice dropping on the final part, not willing to believe. “…and Angel’s curse, it’s lifted?”
“Yeah. Cool, right?”
“Have you been drinking?”
Her eyes not trusting. Flitting between Faith and myself, even Angel, as if we had somehow got together and conspired to trick her.
“No, no drinking. I swear Cordy, it’s what happened. Can’t you have a vision or something, get some confirmation..?”
I had broken my gaze from Cordy’s surprise to centre instead on Angel. Still leant against the post, his eyes still brooding, his posture still defensive. And I knew that we had another non-believer. Someone else who accepts just how hard life really is. I wanted to shake him. I wanted him to look happy. I had just given away my wishes to give this gift to him and I wanted to see smiles.
“Angel?”
My voice not feeling strong, whispering to him as I crept into his space.
“What’s going on Buffy?”
“Good question. With a really long and really cryptic answer.”
“The curse is lifted?”
“Yes.”
Or not so long and cryptic when you boil it down to the bare bones. If you forget all about the weirdness that came with it. It still wasn’t enough to make him smile though, as if he still doubted us, as if it really was too hard to believe. It had prompted the group gathering, me and Faith ushering everybody into the front room to relay the things that they had missed. To try and explain the things that neither of us really understood. All talk of events that weren’t meant to have happened, battles that were never meant to have been fought. Dreams that would never be made true, the ones that would.
“This is extraordinary. Highly unusual…”
“We got that Giles, trust us we got that.” Faith being the one who took the lead with the telling. Whispering about evil’s deceit, how I was never supposed to come back, the stuff about the slayers…
“I don’t understand. What spell?”
“Ooops.”
Her mouth clamping shut as she remembered that the spell had been a secret. That we had never filled Giles in on the dilemma we had faced alone. There was no need to. We had already made the right decision. It didn’t stop his eyes from pinning her down then though, waiting for an overdue explanation to the spell that would’ve ended the slayer line, would have completely destroyed Willow.
And so I had stepped in. Finding my place at Faith’s side and covering her back. “The spell isn’t important Giles, it’s not what matters.”
“I beg to differ…”
“Don’t bother. It’s taken care of, we don’t need to talk about it now.”
My words firm and certain. Letting him know that my view wouldn’t change. After all, it wasn’t only Faith’s back I was covering, but also Willow’s. There was a reason that she didn’t want to share her secrets, and they are reasons that I still respect. She knows what she is capable of, Tara knows, and we know. That is enough.
“Excuse me, Buffy… but I have a question.”
“Yes Anya?”
I had imagined that she was about to ask about Halfrek. Maybe doubting our truth too.
“What I don’t understand, and I’ve been trying, believe me I have, is why you made that wish for Angel… it’s MY wedding day, and surely if there were wishes to be made, they should’ve been made for me!”
Yes. That is what she had said. Freezing the room in a disbelief even more pronounced than the moments before.
“Pardon me?”
Guessing that I had heard her wrong. That I was mistaken.
“The wish! Why didn’t you make a wish for me?!”
But I wasn’t. She really was pissed that our focus hadn’t been on her, that she wasn’t the total centre of our attention. And she’s lucky that she had Xander willing to tidy up her blunder, or her wedding day could’ve been ending in all sorts of pain. A pain to drown out the pain I was feeling. Am feeling.
“Hey honey, you got me! What else could you have wished for?”
Her eyes wandering, no doubt her thoughts doing the same. But then seeing sense, turning to him with all the radiance of a new blushing bride. Remembering that she already has her happy ending.
“Nothing Xander. I have everything I wished for.”
Sugary sweet smiles only lifting my bitter one. Not able to stop my words from slipping out. Sounding harsh amongst the happiness. “Well, aren’t you just the lucky ones.”
Seeing the shock thrown my way. Ignoring it. Seeing Faith’s eyebrows knot in concern on her forehead and offering a grin. A grimace. Offering something though. More than I’m offering now.
If I drag my focus from the solitary branch swaying before me, then I can catch her reflection in the window. Still so beautiful in that dress, still so amazing. Still staring at my back and waiting for me to turn.
Not pressuring me though. Allowing me to take my time in the silence. To think through the thoughts which I still need to think through. My gaze drifting away from her and back to the branch, back to earlier. The minutes that passed until it had been time for Angel and Cordy to leave. Nothing resolved. Their awkwardness obvious to everyone watching.
“Right. So… bye then.”
Probably feeling how closely they were being examined. All of us wondering what would happen next, whether the lifting of the curse was due to be confirmed.
“Yeah, see ya Angel.” Faith the one rising to see him to the door, turning and waiting for Cordy to leave too.
“We’ll talk soon, Faith.”
“Talk..? Thought you were done with the talking Cor?”
The colour rising to her cheeks, her eyes flying around us as she had edged her way out of the door.
“Go get him tiger!” Faith’s final farewell. That and the purr which had vibrated from her throat, her final act of torment before she pushed the door to closed.
“That was mean. Making fun.”
“Ease off Red, I’m allowed to make fun.”
“You are?”
“Sure I am. Now the sitch has lost the tragic, well… it’d be wrong to not make the fun.”
And Wills had smiled. Had laughed along with the rest of them. Speculation and jokes being tossed around about just how long Angel would have to wait to test out whether the curse really was lifted, whether they would make it back to LA, or whether they would pull over into a convenient and dimly lit side street. I think it struck a chord with Anya, reminding her where she should be, what she should be doing.
“Right! We’re leaving!”
“Right now?” Xander’s bowtie hanging limp around his neck, a last glass of champagne still clutched in his hand.
“Yes Xander. I already missed out on my wishes thanks to Buffy. I will NOT be missing out on my wedding night orgasms!”
Making me wonder if she will ever learn the value of the phrase; Too Much Information?
I doubt it.
Either way, that was them leaving. Taking Andrew with them, promising to drop him off by the roadside somewhere safe. And then Giles was gone, the room was cleared, and I took Dawn up the stairs to her bed. Not that she isn’t old enough to take herself, but I could see the need in her eyes. The need to talk. To get some things from her chest.
Waiting until the duvet was wrapped snug around her to say the things which she wanted to say. “So the wish… you could have asked for anything?”
“That’s what Halfrek said.”
My mind already assuming that Dawn had a list of goodies we should have wished for her. My heart not stupid enough to assume the same.
“So you could of…” Catching her pause. The deep breath. The eyes meeting mine with such sadness. Just a whisper. “…Mom?”
And please, take my pain and multiply it a million fold. A trillion. Heck, why stop there? Let’s just apply a vice grip to my heart and see how hard we can squeeze.
“Dawn…”
“Cos that would have been a good wish, right? And you could have done it… you could have at least asked…”
And how do you answer that one? How do you even begin to?
I hadn’t answered. I hadn’t known how to. Instead I had found my arms reaching around her, comforting the hurt that her sobs had held, trying to explain the crapped out reasoning of destiny. That Mom was at peace now, that she deserved her peace. That words could never ease a broken heart.
“Do you understand?”
Though how I could have expected her to, when I don’t have a clue, is beyond me.
“Yeah. Destiny sucks.”
“You got it.”
I held her for as long as she would let me. Pretending that I could fill the void she still ached to replace. Sighing right along with her when she eventually pulled away. Her nose turning up at her sisterly show of affection.
“I’m comforted Buffy. You can stop clinging now.”
Letting her play it that way. Anyway she wanted.
“I’m clingy. My bad.” Standing up to give her space. “You forgive me?”
And just waiting while her face changed through every thought that she was wanting to give voice to. The cocky teenage reply, the grieving daughter reply, and finally a smile. A shrug. “I guess so.”
“You guess so?”
“Yeah. If you let me go to the mall with Janice on Sunday, then I’ll make it a done deal?”
“You’re bartering with forgiveness?”
“Uh-huh. Is that bad?”
And I had smiled. “No, it’s fine. I’ll talk to Janice’s mom tomorrow, but provisionally… you can go.”
“Cool.”
“Now sleep.”
“Okay.” My hand rising automatically to switch out her lights, flicking back to on as her voice had softly risen up again. “Buffy..?”
“Now what?”
“I’m glad. About the wish… if you couldn’t, with mom. Then I’m glad.”
“About Angel?”
Because I wasn’t so sure that I wanted Dawn considering the question of whether Angel could get his happy going. I wanted to pretend that she didn’t know quite what a happy was just yet.
“No. About us. I’m glad you didn’t change anything… I like our life now. I like things the way that they are.”
Easing the vice grip on my heart. Not caring about her cool as I stepped forward to find another hug. Clinging as hard as I wanted to. “I like it too. I love it.”
And that is the truth.
Mom is where she is meant to be. And we are where we are meant to be.
I had expected that that was that. Closing the door on Dawn’s room and finding a path to my own. Only there was more. One more voice in my head to help me order my thoughts.
“Buffy… do you have a minute?”
“Tara. I thought you went to bed?”
“I did. I’m just waiting for Willow, she’s still downstairs with Faith.”
“Oh, right. What’s up?”
I’d let her join me on the path to my bedroom, inviting her inside, sitting down next to her on the bed.
“Nothing’s up, I just wanted to check on you. Are you doing okay?”
“Me? Sure I am. Why wouldn’t I be?”
Loading my voice with perky even though I know that she sees through all of that. She always has done. Possessing some innate gift that allows her to see all of the little things that most other people miss.
“I know how much it meant to you. I know what you gave up.”
See? Proof positive. She had just said it as though it was the most obvious thing to say. Seeing that I had pain, wanting to ease it.
“It’s nothing. What else could we do?”
Other than resurrect the dead or get cool things for Anya.
“Sweetie, this is me. You told me all about your dream, remember?”
And of course I had remembered. She was the first person who I had spoken to about the dream, the prelude to a conversation about the spell. The first time that I had thought maybe my fantasy could come true. And what is the deal with that?! All this carrot dangling, making me believe that it’s somewhere within reach, when all it will ever be is something that seeks to taunt me?
“You think I should’ve gone with wishing for a vacation?”
“No, I’m not saying that. I’m just saying I understand. I know it must hurt.”
“Is that what they call it?”
Letting her know that yes, she was right. There was something like hurt involved.
“So what made you wish for Angel, out of everything… why that?”
And I knew the answer to that one. I could keep my eyes steady on hers as I spoke the truth.
“Faith. I saw how much it meant to her… the love she felt, the pain at their lack of it. And you know Tara..?”
The movement of her head saying no.
“I felt it too. If you could have seen them… frozen like they were, looking like they were, the longing… the pain. It was the only thing we could ask for. The right thing.”
“Well, just so you know, I think it was an amazing thing.” Her blue eyes lighting up the dark of the hallway. Her voice so calm and comforting. “They’re lucky to have friends like you. Like Faith.”
“It’s nothing. Really. Angel would do the same for me and for Faith. I just hope he finds happiness… I hope it’s all worth it.”
“The way Cordy was looking..? I’m sure of it.”
And that made me smile again. Makes me smile now. Because if we have erased the sadness that I witnessed on the porch, then yes, it will have all been worth it. All of life’s sadness can be beaten back by happiness. Even mine.
A thought that I focus on as steady as my eyes are focused through the window. Missing the reflection of Faith until the moment that she moves, my eyes flitting fast to the changing of the shapes behind me. And I guess she’s had enough of waiting. Letting me wallow. Her breath falling heavy upon my neck as she moves in tight behind me, her arms going around my waist to hold me safe.
“You okay baby?” My voice sounding a little tired, a little hoarse from all the thinking.
“Yeah. It’s been a long day. I’m pretty beat.”
Her hands link in front of me, pulling me closer, her thumbs rubbing a soothing rhythm in circles on my tummy. “What about you B, are you okay?”
I’m getting there.
I don’t answer in words though. I catch her eyes in the window, I offer her the smile that I wanted to give. Letting her know it’s okay. That even a day like today cannot steal my happiness away. Not when I have her. Not when I have this.
For a long moment I let it be enough. Content just to study her reflection in front of me. Feeling her behind me. Listening to the steady beat of her heart.
“Do you think they’ll be happy… do you think they’ll find love?”
“Cordy and Angel?” I nod my yes, wait for her answer. “I think so. I hope so. They’ve been working so damn hard to keep it all hidden though, I dunno… maybe it’ll take a while…”
“Hey, I thought you voted for the dimly lit side street..? You changed your mind?”
Her body vibrates against mine as she chuckles. My eyes catching the rise and fall of her eyebrows, the smirk that settles upon her lips. “Nah, I didn’t mean it. It’s fun to mess with Red. She acts so frigid sometimes, when we all know she’s nothing but a horndog at heart.”
“She’s not the only one.”
And she chuckles again. Her hands sliding down from my stomach to rest on my hips, pulling my ass firm against her, hinting at the smallest of grinding rhythms. “You calling me a horndog B?”
“Maybe… definitely. You have a problem with that?”
“No. No problem. It is a little pot, kettle and black though, don’t ya think?”
But I don’t think. I just feel. Closing my eyes on the perfect mirrored reflection and letting the sensation of her touch fill my senses. The hot breath on my neck, the heated hands through my dress… and the sudden stoppage of touching…
“So you’re really okay, with everything today… you’re okay?”
And why are we back to that..? I was just getting past that.
“I was just about to get my okay.”
My hands insistent as they go to hers, returning them to their place on my hips, my ass nudging back against her groin. And I like this feeling, the way that the silk of her dress slides so easily across the silk of mine. A different friction than the rough denim of jeans, a more tantalising friction than her skin against my skin.
A friction that promises to make me forget about anything I have ever lost.
“You’ll be getting your okay B, no doubts about that… but first, seriously…” If only she would stop with the stopping! “…I know how much you wanted that wish…”
Nope. That’s it. My thoughts are now no longer wanting refuge in my pants! So much for horndog…
“Faith…” I take the moment as my cue to turn. Not willing to only catch her gaze as a reflection, wanting her to see for real how much I value the dream I already have. “…of course I’m okay. Sure, I admit, the thought of spending beach time with you was pretty damn thrilling… and yes, I am possibly slightly bummed that I won’t be modelling my never worn, barely there, yet highly fashionable bikini anytime soon… but so what? What’s a bikini when you weigh it up against the happiness of our friends?”
My stare stays solid. Showing the truth.
“Damn, you put it like that and maybe we did do it wrong.”
“Huh? We did?”
Did I miss something?
“Every time you say bikini, my libido says yes.”
“Bikini.”
“Yes.”
I can’t help the laughter, the little tinkle that falls from my lips. From my smile. “You’re an idiot.”
“A horndog…an idiot… my repertoire is building.” Her repertoire is pretty damn special if you ask me. She doesn’t though. She just keeps on doing what she does. Making me happy. Her hands set back to wandering as she recognises the validity of my smile. Cupping my ass through the silk, her eyes deep and sure as she pulls me in close again. “You wanna see some more of my skills B?”
“There’s more, is that even possible?”
My voice teasing her the whole time that her hands are rising, leaving the curve of my ass to follow the curve of my dress. Up to the top. Up to the zip. Her fingers fleeting above material to tease the skin of my neck. So sensitive to her touch. Goosebumps rising. “What do you think?”
I think? I think I won the double rollover lottery. I think I remembered that I’m so not passive. That my hands don’t need to be urged into demonstrating my thoughts. Oh no. They have curves of their own to be sliding against, the pattern of that perfect dress leading me up to the straps that sit on her shoulders.
“I think you should show me.”
Setting a tone of challenge in my voice. An invitation.
“There’s the most sense I’ve heard all day.”
There’s laughter there behind her words, but also seriousness. Her eyes fixed on mine as she does slide my zipper slowly down, exposing my back to the cool night air. Exposing my skin to her fingers.
Her gaze still strong as she traces the line of my spine, so gently, so softly… feeling the rough pads of her fingertips in barely there caresses. “You’re so beautiful. You know that B?”
“You make me feel beautiful.”
Speaking above the roar of my heart. The way her words make it pound so fiercely against my chest. She does make me feel beautiful, she makes me feel perfect.
She smiles in response to my words. Her head dipping to kiss the flesh she’s exposing, my dress sliding down over my shoulders and dropping to pool on the floor at my feet. And there is some more of that cool night air. More of the goosebumps as she stands back to see what she has done. The way I’m nearly naked.
And I can’t speak. Can’t move. Only sighing as her hands come up to release the clasp on my bra. More exposure. Her palms cupping my breasts, her thumbs sliding in mesmerising circles around my hardening nipples.
“This isn’t fair…” Fighting to speak. To point out the obvious lack of equality in our state of dress situation. “…you have clothes.”
Not stopping her actions, just making her murmur. Something unintelligible, her focus somewhere else. And they say that actions speak louder than words… well I can do actions. I’m not passive.
I’m aggressive.
My hands grabbing at hers and taking them from my skin, using surprise to clasp them behind her back, pulling her tight against me…
And holy wow! That dress that looks so nice, feels a whole lot better than nice when it’s sliding over aching nakedness. My body slammed with the shock of the sensation. Making me gasp. Making me understand why she wanted silk sheets…
Making me forget everything except the need to be with her.
And my girl is on the same page. No longer teasing me with touches so soft. Her hands hard and insistent as she turns me towards the bed, pushing me down and falling on top of me. Every inch of skin feeling the sensuality of the silk.
“You like that B?”
Her grinding motion remembered as she strikes up the friction again. Her lips sneaking to give me kisses, my lips open to return everything that she has to give. And I can’t stop to tell her yes. I can’t stop to tell her that as hot and horny as this feels, I’d like it a whole lot more if she lost the dress. My tongue is swirling hard against hers, my teeth straining to take nips each time she pulls away…
And where did she go..?!
I’m forced to open my eyes to find her. On her knees, straddling me, and lifting herself up to remove her dress. Only how do you shed something that fits as snugly as skin..?
It’s a question that becomes more valid with each second. Each heartbeat of time that she’s not touching my body. That I’m not touching hers.
“Baby..?” I bring myself up so I can use my hands to help. Finding the rip that was started in her struggle against Halfrek, and gripping the sides with both of my fists.
Let me do it Faith. I wanna unwrap my prize.
“Whoa… you know what Cordy will do if you rip that dress?”
And don’t pretend at fear Faith. I can see the excitement in your eyes.
“I think after today, she’ll forgive you anything.”
And I start to pull the edges, not too hard, just creating the smallest sound of a tear. Making the slit just a little more enticing, uncovering just a little more skin.
“I love this dress.”
She says it with the slightest pout and I think not to prolong her pain. Like pulling off a plaster. The faster you do it, the quicker the recovery. My eyes delighting as my hands complete the job. The shredding of the dress is complete and I feel like I just hit the lottery again. I will never lose my appreciation of this sight. This feeling.
“God, you’re perfect. Have I ever mentioned that you’re perfect?”
And I know that I have, but it’s a babble I can’t hold in as my eyes feast fast upon her skin. Her own eyes hinting at the pout on her lips. Not listening to my compliments.
“You ripped my dress.”
Awww.
I run my hands across the skin of her navel to help her forget. Tracing slowly the underside of her breasts, finding the redundant shoulder straps of the now ruined dress and easing them down over her arms. “You forgive me?”
Hoping she doesn’t need the mall on Sunday with Janice to make it all okay.
“I really loved that dress.”
My fingers racing down to trace the now exposed skin of her thighs. And I can feel her quivers, the silent shivers that she could never hide from me. But I’ll play her game. I’ll make it up to her.
“I’ll buy you a new dress baby, okay?”
Laying myself back down, looking up, fixing seductive in my eyes, in the smile on my face.
“It was a pretty expensive dress… probably one of a kind.”
“I’ll buy you a different dress then… any dress you want.”
My voice is dropping, starting to whisper, knowing that when I do, she will reach forward to hear me. She always does. Not disappointing me now. Biting my lips to stop the cry that wants to break free as her breasts tease touches against mine.
“Maybe I don’t want another dress.”
Her own voice dropping. My body straining to get closer. “What do you want Faith?”
Asking a question I already know the answer to. That I don’t need to hear spoken confirmation of. Her body pressing down onto mine, her thigh sliding sweet between my thighs…
“This.”
The last thing I’m sure of as her mouth claims my lips in affirming kisses. Every fibre of my being responding to the way that her skin is sliding against me. Building a sweat, the air no longer cool as it caresses my nakedness. It’s hot. The hotness of her breath on my neck, the hotness of her hands as they struggle to find a way between us. Breaking an insistent rhythm to finger the top of panties, to slip inside and touch the real source of my heat.
“Fuck B.”
And that sounds like a great idea. Her exclamation at my wetness sounding sweet to my ears. Sounding perfect. My legs spreading to give her the room, her fingers spreading to open me up. Soft touches, teasing touches. Hips rising. My requests being met.
Filled with Faith. With happiness. Her fingers sliding them both deep inside.
And I know that I’m clinging. My fingers wrapping hard as they seek to pull her further against me, wanting her to feel how deeply she touches me… “God Faith…”
Like a prayer. Repeating it into the stillness of the night, as her pace quickens, as my mind trips out. Seeing stars. The way that colours pinprick the darkness behind tightly closed eyes. God… over and over. Feeling the urgency in her touch. Hearing the need breathing out from between her lips. Teeth grazing my skin, a thumb grazing hard across my clit… God…
“Faith…”
And knowing when I’m done for. Muscles tightening hard around toes, firing fast up my thighs. Clenching. My heart hammering. Hands grabbing. Everything concentrating on the feeling inside. Fireworks. Explosions. Her teeth as they crash against mine, her mouth as it steals the last breath I have left…
Done for.
Just kissing. My body trying to still as the tremors still travel through each of my limbs. Her fingers still happy to twist slowly inside. Gently in, gentler out. Her lips soft as they urge my eyes to open. To witness the smirk that sits so satisfied on her face.
“Damn, I’m good.”
And she’s lucky that she stole my breath or I’d be answering that little gem with a word or two of my own. Or I wouldn’t. I don’t have an answer to the love in her eyes. Nothing other than the obvious.
“I love you Faith.”
Raising the smirk higher, inviting her eyebrows to join in the fun.
“Course ya do B. I just hit you with a damn fine dose of the happy, how could you not love me?”
Good question. “I couldn’t.”
And the smirk settles down into a smile, shifting her body, rolling from atop me to beside me. Her fingers creeping out to trace patterns in the wetness of my thighs.
“I still can’t believe you ripped my dress.”
“I did..? I don’t remember.”
Hoping to plead my ignorance behind a mind shattering orgasm. I shouldn’t be expected to remember anything. With the way that she touches me, I’m lucky to remember my name.
But no. She’s not that silly. Her eyebrows showing me the menacing dip now as she points her hand in the general direction of discarded silk. “Yes. You definitely did.”
“Well, maybe I just wanted to check out the goodies. It was your fault for keeping them covered.”
I punctuate my words by rolling onto my side, bringing my fingers up to graze across the tautness of her deliciously dark nipples. And is it wrong to want to have a Homer Simpson moment..? To let the drool pool from my lips as I whisper a vacant ‘Mmmmm… nipples…’
“Mmmmm…”
The sound rises from her throat and I have to wonder if she’s reading my thoughts. Though she’s probably just appreciating my touches. Finding a pinch between thumb and finger, lowering my head to offer her my lips.
And I can do this forever. Offering, having, taking, touching. Tasting the sweat of her skin salty against my lips, tracing patterns more intricate than any torn apart dress.
She shivers as my tongue dips inside her navel, my fingers making deft work of sneaking inside her panties. “Shit B…”
Such sweet sentiment.
Her voice hoarse the way I like it, bringing music to my ears. My lips descending to kiss away the last barrier of clothing that covers her skin. My tongue sliding between my fingers to wrap in the smooth folds of her pussy.
And did I mention done for?
This is more done for. This is the craziest feeling in the world. My fingers firm as they slip inside, my pulse racing as her hands wrap about my head. Pulling me closer, urging me harder.
“That’s it B…” Making prayers of her own. “…god, that’s it.”
And I give. Everything I am. My arm going across her navel now to hold her in place, the bucking of her hips matching the crashing of my fingers perfectly… but I need her still. My slayer strength demanding that she lay back, that she lets me fuck her exactly how I need to. How I want to. My lips dying to kiss her pussy with every ounce of passion I have ever owned. Wanting her to come that way. To lose herself in the rhythm of my tongue.
“Easy Faith. Easy…” Placating her with words as I slide my fingers from her body. Not giving her the time to protest before I lower my head back down. Tasting her properly. All of her open to me. Offered to me.
And I feast. And I taste. And I was wrong.
There is nothing bitter about my destiny. It is the sweetest taste I could ever have imagined. It’s the taste of Faith.
POV Buffy
I hear the door as it opens softly behind me, not turning to give welcome, but standing completely still. Back turned. Determined to shield my sadness. My eyes staying fixed on the same branch, on the same tree, as it sways effortlessly in the breeze outside of my window.
I know that I should turn. The sounds of her breath in the stillness are urging me to turn. But I can’t. Not yet. I need this moment of silence. Not only to accustom myself to the loss of broken dreams, but most importantly, to remember the dream that I already possess. To be able to turn and face her with eyes which only hold the happy. That offer her everything she deserves for being the person that she is.
She is amazing.
More amazing than any act of craziness that happened here today. More amazing than anything.
Last night, I had felt so much emptiness without her sleeping at my side. The bed seeming ten times larger. The dreams seeming ten times harsher. They’re easy to take when her smile is what wakes me in the mornings, but to wake without her… god. Harsh isn’t even the word. It doesn’t come close.
And I never want to face another night without her.
It was all that I could think as I followed Anya down the aisle. Smiling as wide as anyone can when all encased in green, my eyes tracking the heads that turned until they had finally fallen upon her. The dose of perky instantly received. My step starting to bounce until I was sure that I was gonna skip down the aisle and overtake the bride.
I didn’t though. I offered her my shy smile. Feeling the knot of butterflies in my stomach that always gathers when I’m going to see her. No matter that we live together now, no matter that I see her everyday… still the feeling stays the same. Shyness, nerves, and then a need to touch. To talk. To just be in her presence. Her eyes not showing any nerves, just gliding down across my form, a wink which hinted at lewdness being tossed in my direction. And maybe I would have retaliated, would have given her a look of my own. But I was done for. Lost. My eyes enraptured by the way that her hair was piled so gracefully atop her head. Just a few tendrils escaping. Framing her face. Framing her smile.
It really wasn’t my fault that I froze. That Dawn piled into me from behind and caused me to stumble forward. That if I didn’t have the reactions of a slayer, then Anya would have probably met her groom to be, sliding on her ass. Nope. If you had seen the beauty that I had seen, you would be pretty darn frozen too.
And so I had ignored the little giggles behind me, Anya’s turn and tut in front of me, and just focused on reaching the end of the aisle. On getting closer to the girl that sends my head all ditzy.
Then came the dress. And then came the wow!
Cordy may be hard to take sometimes, but there is no doubting her ability to conquer the fashion. To be able to pick a piece of clothing and turn it into perfection. She did that today. Faith sat in front of me looking like the most perfect form of perfection I have ever seen. And don’t you just know that she had found some shyness of her own then. Sat beneath my awestruck gaze, her blush tinted cheeks had flushed even pinker. Maybe not used to being adored so openly, maybe not used to seeing my jaw stuck so firmly to the floor.
Speechless.
Even now, hours passed, and I can’t find the right words to describe just how delectable she looked. If Tara hadn’t found the strength to tug me forward into place, then I am sure that I would still be stood before her, looking dumbstruck. Not stood before her offering only my back. I’m getting there though. Listening to her movements behind me. Wondering at the words that she also can’t seem to find.
And maybe still being stood dumbstruck this morning would be a good thing. Believing that the day would yield only happiness. Not a clue that the day had so many secrets to be revealed. So many surprises in store.
I don’t like surprises. They catch you off guard. Fate waiting until you’re smiling, to hit you with a frown. And I don’t like fate either. Or destiny. I guess you could say that I’m not too happy with any of them.
I mean, the dreams… I’ve learnt to live with the dreams. Taking Faith’s advice to revel in the peace I found at bedtime instead of torturing myself with the knowledge that I would never have it when I awoke. I’ve almost gotten used to them. Expecting the same dreamscape whenever I seek rest. Knowing that come morning it will be her lips which kiss me awake, which bring me back to reality. Pushing aside all of the pain in my heart to feel the love in my heart.
And thank you Hallie for delivering so much more of the pain.
Me too stupid to believe Faith’s warnings. Not accepting that anything would swoop down to steal the joy from our perfect day. You’d think that I’d know better. That I would’ve learnt by now. But nope. I didn’t have a clue what was in store until Faith had rested my hands upon her stomach, had shared with me the uneasy feeling that was flooding fast through her system. Then I had felt it. The air prickling about me. The hairs standing to attention on the back of my neck.
“I’m not here to hurt anyone…”
That’s what she had said. Yet here I am, feeling hurt.
For those few moments, the moments when I still believed in happy endings, I don’t think that I have ever been happier. More excited. The thought of spending vacation time with Faith, the equivalent of hitting a double rollover lottery win. A win that lasted all of about ten minutes. Just the time it takes to realise that the destiny you are supposed to be sweetening, will always remain bitter. Will always hold you prisoner.
“You made the right choice… you did the right thing…”
More nuggets of highly useless information that Hallie had seen fit to serve. Not making me feel any better, just assuring me that the PTB really are sick bastards. They had to know… with the things they have shown to me, they had to know what I would desire, the one thing that I would be sure to wish for. But they never wanted that. We did the right thing. We gave our wish away.
I swallow down the little lump that rises in my throat, still banishing my tears, urging myself to grow a backbone. It’s crazy. I have so much to be thankful for… you’d think I’d get over these little pity parties I throw for myself. But honestly. It hurts. And no amount of slaps on the back, well dones, or thank yous, will ever stop that from hurting.
Not that we had been bowled over with thanks. Oh no. We had to be treated like idiots first. Eyes looking at us as if we had over indulged in the champagne, as if we’d popped off the planet and beamed back in from the land of the insane.
“Okay… call me crazy Faith, but what the hell are you talking about..?”
Cordy rising up from her step on the porch to question all of the things that had fallen from Faith’s lips.
“You’re telling me that time froze, the PTB popped down to grant you a wish… and…” Her voice dropping on the final part, not willing to believe. “…and Angel’s curse, it’s lifted?”
“Yeah. Cool, right?”
“Have you been drinking?”
Her eyes not trusting. Flitting between Faith and myself, even Angel, as if we had somehow got together and conspired to trick her.
“No, no drinking. I swear Cordy, it’s what happened. Can’t you have a vision or something, get some confirmation..?”
I had broken my gaze from Cordy’s surprise to centre instead on Angel. Still leant against the post, his eyes still brooding, his posture still defensive. And I knew that we had another non-believer. Someone else who accepts just how hard life really is. I wanted to shake him. I wanted him to look happy. I had just given away my wishes to give this gift to him and I wanted to see smiles.
“Angel?”
My voice not feeling strong, whispering to him as I crept into his space.
“What’s going on Buffy?”
“Good question. With a really long and really cryptic answer.”
“The curse is lifted?”
“Yes.”
Or not so long and cryptic when you boil it down to the bare bones. If you forget all about the weirdness that came with it. It still wasn’t enough to make him smile though, as if he still doubted us, as if it really was too hard to believe. It had prompted the group gathering, me and Faith ushering everybody into the front room to relay the things that they had missed. To try and explain the things that neither of us really understood. All talk of events that weren’t meant to have happened, battles that were never meant to have been fought. Dreams that would never be made true, the ones that would.
“This is extraordinary. Highly unusual…”
“We got that Giles, trust us we got that.” Faith being the one who took the lead with the telling. Whispering about evil’s deceit, how I was never supposed to come back, the stuff about the slayers…
“I don’t understand. What spell?”
“Ooops.”
Her mouth clamping shut as she remembered that the spell had been a secret. That we had never filled Giles in on the dilemma we had faced alone. There was no need to. We had already made the right decision. It didn’t stop his eyes from pinning her down then though, waiting for an overdue explanation to the spell that would’ve ended the slayer line, would have completely destroyed Willow.
And so I had stepped in. Finding my place at Faith’s side and covering her back. “The spell isn’t important Giles, it’s not what matters.”
“I beg to differ…”
“Don’t bother. It’s taken care of, we don’t need to talk about it now.”
My words firm and certain. Letting him know that my view wouldn’t change. After all, it wasn’t only Faith’s back I was covering, but also Willow’s. There was a reason that she didn’t want to share her secrets, and they are reasons that I still respect. She knows what she is capable of, Tara knows, and we know. That is enough.
“Excuse me, Buffy… but I have a question.”
“Yes Anya?”
I had imagined that she was about to ask about Halfrek. Maybe doubting our truth too.
“What I don’t understand, and I’ve been trying, believe me I have, is why you made that wish for Angel… it’s MY wedding day, and surely if there were wishes to be made, they should’ve been made for me!”
Yes. That is what she had said. Freezing the room in a disbelief even more pronounced than the moments before.
“Pardon me?”
Guessing that I had heard her wrong. That I was mistaken.
“The wish! Why didn’t you make a wish for me?!”
But I wasn’t. She really was pissed that our focus hadn’t been on her, that she wasn’t the total centre of our attention. And she’s lucky that she had Xander willing to tidy up her blunder, or her wedding day could’ve been ending in all sorts of pain. A pain to drown out the pain I was feeling. Am feeling.
“Hey honey, you got me! What else could you have wished for?”
Her eyes wandering, no doubt her thoughts doing the same. But then seeing sense, turning to him with all the radiance of a new blushing bride. Remembering that she already has her happy ending.
“Nothing Xander. I have everything I wished for.”
Sugary sweet smiles only lifting my bitter one. Not able to stop my words from slipping out. Sounding harsh amongst the happiness. “Well, aren’t you just the lucky ones.”
Seeing the shock thrown my way. Ignoring it. Seeing Faith’s eyebrows knot in concern on her forehead and offering a grin. A grimace. Offering something though. More than I’m offering now.
If I drag my focus from the solitary branch swaying before me, then I can catch her reflection in the window. Still so beautiful in that dress, still so amazing. Still staring at my back and waiting for me to turn.
Not pressuring me though. Allowing me to take my time in the silence. To think through the thoughts which I still need to think through. My gaze drifting away from her and back to the branch, back to earlier. The minutes that passed until it had been time for Angel and Cordy to leave. Nothing resolved. Their awkwardness obvious to everyone watching.
“Right. So… bye then.”
Probably feeling how closely they were being examined. All of us wondering what would happen next, whether the lifting of the curse was due to be confirmed.
“Yeah, see ya Angel.” Faith the one rising to see him to the door, turning and waiting for Cordy to leave too.
“We’ll talk soon, Faith.”
“Talk..? Thought you were done with the talking Cor?”
The colour rising to her cheeks, her eyes flying around us as she had edged her way out of the door.
“Go get him tiger!” Faith’s final farewell. That and the purr which had vibrated from her throat, her final act of torment before she pushed the door to closed.
“That was mean. Making fun.”
“Ease off Red, I’m allowed to make fun.”
“You are?”
“Sure I am. Now the sitch has lost the tragic, well… it’d be wrong to not make the fun.”
And Wills had smiled. Had laughed along with the rest of them. Speculation and jokes being tossed around about just how long Angel would have to wait to test out whether the curse really was lifted, whether they would make it back to LA, or whether they would pull over into a convenient and dimly lit side street. I think it struck a chord with Anya, reminding her where she should be, what she should be doing.
“Right! We’re leaving!”
“Right now?” Xander’s bowtie hanging limp around his neck, a last glass of champagne still clutched in his hand.
“Yes Xander. I already missed out on my wishes thanks to Buffy. I will NOT be missing out on my wedding night orgasms!”
Making me wonder if she will ever learn the value of the phrase; Too Much Information?
I doubt it.
Either way, that was them leaving. Taking Andrew with them, promising to drop him off by the roadside somewhere safe. And then Giles was gone, the room was cleared, and I took Dawn up the stairs to her bed. Not that she isn’t old enough to take herself, but I could see the need in her eyes. The need to talk. To get some things from her chest.
Waiting until the duvet was wrapped snug around her to say the things which she wanted to say. “So the wish… you could have asked for anything?”
“That’s what Halfrek said.”
My mind already assuming that Dawn had a list of goodies we should have wished for her. My heart not stupid enough to assume the same.
“So you could of…” Catching her pause. The deep breath. The eyes meeting mine with such sadness. Just a whisper. “…Mom?”
And please, take my pain and multiply it a million fold. A trillion. Heck, why stop there? Let’s just apply a vice grip to my heart and see how hard we can squeeze.
“Dawn…”
“Cos that would have been a good wish, right? And you could have done it… you could have at least asked…”
And how do you answer that one? How do you even begin to?
I hadn’t answered. I hadn’t known how to. Instead I had found my arms reaching around her, comforting the hurt that her sobs had held, trying to explain the crapped out reasoning of destiny. That Mom was at peace now, that she deserved her peace. That words could never ease a broken heart.
“Do you understand?”
Though how I could have expected her to, when I don’t have a clue, is beyond me.
“Yeah. Destiny sucks.”
“You got it.”
I held her for as long as she would let me. Pretending that I could fill the void she still ached to replace. Sighing right along with her when she eventually pulled away. Her nose turning up at her sisterly show of affection.
“I’m comforted Buffy. You can stop clinging now.”
Letting her play it that way. Anyway she wanted.
“I’m clingy. My bad.” Standing up to give her space. “You forgive me?”
And just waiting while her face changed through every thought that she was wanting to give voice to. The cocky teenage reply, the grieving daughter reply, and finally a smile. A shrug. “I guess so.”
“You guess so?”
“Yeah. If you let me go to the mall with Janice on Sunday, then I’ll make it a done deal?”
“You’re bartering with forgiveness?”
“Uh-huh. Is that bad?”
And I had smiled. “No, it’s fine. I’ll talk to Janice’s mom tomorrow, but provisionally… you can go.”
“Cool.”
“Now sleep.”
“Okay.” My hand rising automatically to switch out her lights, flicking back to on as her voice had softly risen up again. “Buffy..?”
“Now what?”
“I’m glad. About the wish… if you couldn’t, with mom. Then I’m glad.”
“About Angel?”
Because I wasn’t so sure that I wanted Dawn considering the question of whether Angel could get his happy going. I wanted to pretend that she didn’t know quite what a happy was just yet.
“No. About us. I’m glad you didn’t change anything… I like our life now. I like things the way that they are.”
Easing the vice grip on my heart. Not caring about her cool as I stepped forward to find another hug. Clinging as hard as I wanted to. “I like it too. I love it.”
And that is the truth.
Mom is where she is meant to be. And we are where we are meant to be.
I had expected that that was that. Closing the door on Dawn’s room and finding a path to my own. Only there was more. One more voice in my head to help me order my thoughts.
“Buffy… do you have a minute?”
“Tara. I thought you went to bed?”
“I did. I’m just waiting for Willow, she’s still downstairs with Faith.”
“Oh, right. What’s up?”
I’d let her join me on the path to my bedroom, inviting her inside, sitting down next to her on the bed.
“Nothing’s up, I just wanted to check on you. Are you doing okay?”
“Me? Sure I am. Why wouldn’t I be?”
Loading my voice with perky even though I know that she sees through all of that. She always has done. Possessing some innate gift that allows her to see all of the little things that most other people miss.
“I know how much it meant to you. I know what you gave up.”
See? Proof positive. She had just said it as though it was the most obvious thing to say. Seeing that I had pain, wanting to ease it.
“It’s nothing. What else could we do?”
Other than resurrect the dead or get cool things for Anya.
“Sweetie, this is me. You told me all about your dream, remember?”
And of course I had remembered. She was the first person who I had spoken to about the dream, the prelude to a conversation about the spell. The first time that I had thought maybe my fantasy could come true. And what is the deal with that?! All this carrot dangling, making me believe that it’s somewhere within reach, when all it will ever be is something that seeks to taunt me?
“You think I should’ve gone with wishing for a vacation?”
“No, I’m not saying that. I’m just saying I understand. I know it must hurt.”
“Is that what they call it?”
Letting her know that yes, she was right. There was something like hurt involved.
“So what made you wish for Angel, out of everything… why that?”
And I knew the answer to that one. I could keep my eyes steady on hers as I spoke the truth.
“Faith. I saw how much it meant to her… the love she felt, the pain at their lack of it. And you know Tara..?”
The movement of her head saying no.
“I felt it too. If you could have seen them… frozen like they were, looking like they were, the longing… the pain. It was the only thing we could ask for. The right thing.”
“Well, just so you know, I think it was an amazing thing.” Her blue eyes lighting up the dark of the hallway. Her voice so calm and comforting. “They’re lucky to have friends like you. Like Faith.”
“It’s nothing. Really. Angel would do the same for me and for Faith. I just hope he finds happiness… I hope it’s all worth it.”
“The way Cordy was looking..? I’m sure of it.”
And that made me smile again. Makes me smile now. Because if we have erased the sadness that I witnessed on the porch, then yes, it will have all been worth it. All of life’s sadness can be beaten back by happiness. Even mine.
A thought that I focus on as steady as my eyes are focused through the window. Missing the reflection of Faith until the moment that she moves, my eyes flitting fast to the changing of the shapes behind me. And I guess she’s had enough of waiting. Letting me wallow. Her breath falling heavy upon my neck as she moves in tight behind me, her arms going around my waist to hold me safe.
“You okay baby?” My voice sounding a little tired, a little hoarse from all the thinking.
“Yeah. It’s been a long day. I’m pretty beat.”
Her hands link in front of me, pulling me closer, her thumbs rubbing a soothing rhythm in circles on my tummy. “What about you B, are you okay?”
I’m getting there.
I don’t answer in words though. I catch her eyes in the window, I offer her the smile that I wanted to give. Letting her know it’s okay. That even a day like today cannot steal my happiness away. Not when I have her. Not when I have this.
For a long moment I let it be enough. Content just to study her reflection in front of me. Feeling her behind me. Listening to the steady beat of her heart.
“Do you think they’ll be happy… do you think they’ll find love?”
“Cordy and Angel?” I nod my yes, wait for her answer. “I think so. I hope so. They’ve been working so damn hard to keep it all hidden though, I dunno… maybe it’ll take a while…”
“Hey, I thought you voted for the dimly lit side street..? You changed your mind?”
Her body vibrates against mine as she chuckles. My eyes catching the rise and fall of her eyebrows, the smirk that settles upon her lips. “Nah, I didn’t mean it. It’s fun to mess with Red. She acts so frigid sometimes, when we all know she’s nothing but a horndog at heart.”
“She’s not the only one.”
And she chuckles again. Her hands sliding down from my stomach to rest on my hips, pulling my ass firm against her, hinting at the smallest of grinding rhythms. “You calling me a horndog B?”
“Maybe… definitely. You have a problem with that?”
“No. No problem. It is a little pot, kettle and black though, don’t ya think?”
But I don’t think. I just feel. Closing my eyes on the perfect mirrored reflection and letting the sensation of her touch fill my senses. The hot breath on my neck, the heated hands through my dress… and the sudden stoppage of touching…
“So you’re really okay, with everything today… you’re okay?”
And why are we back to that..? I was just getting past that.
“I was just about to get my okay.”
My hands insistent as they go to hers, returning them to their place on my hips, my ass nudging back against her groin. And I like this feeling, the way that the silk of her dress slides so easily across the silk of mine. A different friction than the rough denim of jeans, a more tantalising friction than her skin against my skin.
A friction that promises to make me forget about anything I have ever lost.
“You’ll be getting your okay B, no doubts about that… but first, seriously…” If only she would stop with the stopping! “…I know how much you wanted that wish…”
Nope. That’s it. My thoughts are now no longer wanting refuge in my pants! So much for horndog…
“Faith…” I take the moment as my cue to turn. Not willing to only catch her gaze as a reflection, wanting her to see for real how much I value the dream I already have. “…of course I’m okay. Sure, I admit, the thought of spending beach time with you was pretty damn thrilling… and yes, I am possibly slightly bummed that I won’t be modelling my never worn, barely there, yet highly fashionable bikini anytime soon… but so what? What’s a bikini when you weigh it up against the happiness of our friends?”
My stare stays solid. Showing the truth.
“Damn, you put it like that and maybe we did do it wrong.”
“Huh? We did?”
Did I miss something?
“Every time you say bikini, my libido says yes.”
“Bikini.”
“Yes.”
I can’t help the laughter, the little tinkle that falls from my lips. From my smile. “You’re an idiot.”
“A horndog…an idiot… my repertoire is building.” Her repertoire is pretty damn special if you ask me. She doesn’t though. She just keeps on doing what she does. Making me happy. Her hands set back to wandering as she recognises the validity of my smile. Cupping my ass through the silk, her eyes deep and sure as she pulls me in close again. “You wanna see some more of my skills B?”
“There’s more, is that even possible?”
My voice teasing her the whole time that her hands are rising, leaving the curve of my ass to follow the curve of my dress. Up to the top. Up to the zip. Her fingers fleeting above material to tease the skin of my neck. So sensitive to her touch. Goosebumps rising. “What do you think?”
I think? I think I won the double rollover lottery. I think I remembered that I’m so not passive. That my hands don’t need to be urged into demonstrating my thoughts. Oh no. They have curves of their own to be sliding against, the pattern of that perfect dress leading me up to the straps that sit on her shoulders.
“I think you should show me.”
Setting a tone of challenge in my voice. An invitation.
“There’s the most sense I’ve heard all day.”
There’s laughter there behind her words, but also seriousness. Her eyes fixed on mine as she does slide my zipper slowly down, exposing my back to the cool night air. Exposing my skin to her fingers.
Her gaze still strong as she traces the line of my spine, so gently, so softly… feeling the rough pads of her fingertips in barely there caresses. “You’re so beautiful. You know that B?”
“You make me feel beautiful.”
Speaking above the roar of my heart. The way her words make it pound so fiercely against my chest. She does make me feel beautiful, she makes me feel perfect.
She smiles in response to my words. Her head dipping to kiss the flesh she’s exposing, my dress sliding down over my shoulders and dropping to pool on the floor at my feet. And there is some more of that cool night air. More of the goosebumps as she stands back to see what she has done. The way I’m nearly naked.
And I can’t speak. Can’t move. Only sighing as her hands come up to release the clasp on my bra. More exposure. Her palms cupping my breasts, her thumbs sliding in mesmerising circles around my hardening nipples.
“This isn’t fair…” Fighting to speak. To point out the obvious lack of equality in our state of dress situation. “…you have clothes.”
Not stopping her actions, just making her murmur. Something unintelligible, her focus somewhere else. And they say that actions speak louder than words… well I can do actions. I’m not passive.
I’m aggressive.
My hands grabbing at hers and taking them from my skin, using surprise to clasp them behind her back, pulling her tight against me…
And holy wow! That dress that looks so nice, feels a whole lot better than nice when it’s sliding over aching nakedness. My body slammed with the shock of the sensation. Making me gasp. Making me understand why she wanted silk sheets…
Making me forget everything except the need to be with her.
And my girl is on the same page. No longer teasing me with touches so soft. Her hands hard and insistent as she turns me towards the bed, pushing me down and falling on top of me. Every inch of skin feeling the sensuality of the silk.
“You like that B?”
Her grinding motion remembered as she strikes up the friction again. Her lips sneaking to give me kisses, my lips open to return everything that she has to give. And I can’t stop to tell her yes. I can’t stop to tell her that as hot and horny as this feels, I’d like it a whole lot more if she lost the dress. My tongue is swirling hard against hers, my teeth straining to take nips each time she pulls away…
And where did she go..?!
I’m forced to open my eyes to find her. On her knees, straddling me, and lifting herself up to remove her dress. Only how do you shed something that fits as snugly as skin..?
It’s a question that becomes more valid with each second. Each heartbeat of time that she’s not touching my body. That I’m not touching hers.
“Baby..?” I bring myself up so I can use my hands to help. Finding the rip that was started in her struggle against Halfrek, and gripping the sides with both of my fists.
Let me do it Faith. I wanna unwrap my prize.
“Whoa… you know what Cordy will do if you rip that dress?”
And don’t pretend at fear Faith. I can see the excitement in your eyes.
“I think after today, she’ll forgive you anything.”
And I start to pull the edges, not too hard, just creating the smallest sound of a tear. Making the slit just a little more enticing, uncovering just a little more skin.
“I love this dress.”
She says it with the slightest pout and I think not to prolong her pain. Like pulling off a plaster. The faster you do it, the quicker the recovery. My eyes delighting as my hands complete the job. The shredding of the dress is complete and I feel like I just hit the lottery again. I will never lose my appreciation of this sight. This feeling.
“God, you’re perfect. Have I ever mentioned that you’re perfect?”
And I know that I have, but it’s a babble I can’t hold in as my eyes feast fast upon her skin. Her own eyes hinting at the pout on her lips. Not listening to my compliments.
“You ripped my dress.”
Awww.
I run my hands across the skin of her navel to help her forget. Tracing slowly the underside of her breasts, finding the redundant shoulder straps of the now ruined dress and easing them down over her arms. “You forgive me?”
Hoping she doesn’t need the mall on Sunday with Janice to make it all okay.
“I really loved that dress.”
My fingers racing down to trace the now exposed skin of her thighs. And I can feel her quivers, the silent shivers that she could never hide from me. But I’ll play her game. I’ll make it up to her.
“I’ll buy you a new dress baby, okay?”
Laying myself back down, looking up, fixing seductive in my eyes, in the smile on my face.
“It was a pretty expensive dress… probably one of a kind.”
“I’ll buy you a different dress then… any dress you want.”
My voice is dropping, starting to whisper, knowing that when I do, she will reach forward to hear me. She always does. Not disappointing me now. Biting my lips to stop the cry that wants to break free as her breasts tease touches against mine.
“Maybe I don’t want another dress.”
Her own voice dropping. My body straining to get closer. “What do you want Faith?”
Asking a question I already know the answer to. That I don’t need to hear spoken confirmation of. Her body pressing down onto mine, her thigh sliding sweet between my thighs…
“This.”
The last thing I’m sure of as her mouth claims my lips in affirming kisses. Every fibre of my being responding to the way that her skin is sliding against me. Building a sweat, the air no longer cool as it caresses my nakedness. It’s hot. The hotness of her breath on my neck, the hotness of her hands as they struggle to find a way between us. Breaking an insistent rhythm to finger the top of panties, to slip inside and touch the real source of my heat.
“Fuck B.”
And that sounds like a great idea. Her exclamation at my wetness sounding sweet to my ears. Sounding perfect. My legs spreading to give her the room, her fingers spreading to open me up. Soft touches, teasing touches. Hips rising. My requests being met.
Filled with Faith. With happiness. Her fingers sliding them both deep inside.
And I know that I’m clinging. My fingers wrapping hard as they seek to pull her further against me, wanting her to feel how deeply she touches me… “God Faith…”
Like a prayer. Repeating it into the stillness of the night, as her pace quickens, as my mind trips out. Seeing stars. The way that colours pinprick the darkness behind tightly closed eyes. God… over and over. Feeling the urgency in her touch. Hearing the need breathing out from between her lips. Teeth grazing my skin, a thumb grazing hard across my clit… God…
“Faith…”
And knowing when I’m done for. Muscles tightening hard around toes, firing fast up my thighs. Clenching. My heart hammering. Hands grabbing. Everything concentrating on the feeling inside. Fireworks. Explosions. Her teeth as they crash against mine, her mouth as it steals the last breath I have left…
Done for.
Just kissing. My body trying to still as the tremors still travel through each of my limbs. Her fingers still happy to twist slowly inside. Gently in, gentler out. Her lips soft as they urge my eyes to open. To witness the smirk that sits so satisfied on her face.
“Damn, I’m good.”
And she’s lucky that she stole my breath or I’d be answering that little gem with a word or two of my own. Or I wouldn’t. I don’t have an answer to the love in her eyes. Nothing other than the obvious.
“I love you Faith.”
Raising the smirk higher, inviting her eyebrows to join in the fun.
“Course ya do B. I just hit you with a damn fine dose of the happy, how could you not love me?”
Good question. “I couldn’t.”
And the smirk settles down into a smile, shifting her body, rolling from atop me to beside me. Her fingers creeping out to trace patterns in the wetness of my thighs.
“I still can’t believe you ripped my dress.”
“I did..? I don’t remember.”
Hoping to plead my ignorance behind a mind shattering orgasm. I shouldn’t be expected to remember anything. With the way that she touches me, I’m lucky to remember my name.
But no. She’s not that silly. Her eyebrows showing me the menacing dip now as she points her hand in the general direction of discarded silk. “Yes. You definitely did.”
“Well, maybe I just wanted to check out the goodies. It was your fault for keeping them covered.”
I punctuate my words by rolling onto my side, bringing my fingers up to graze across the tautness of her deliciously dark nipples. And is it wrong to want to have a Homer Simpson moment..? To let the drool pool from my lips as I whisper a vacant ‘Mmmmm… nipples…’
“Mmmmm…”
The sound rises from her throat and I have to wonder if she’s reading my thoughts. Though she’s probably just appreciating my touches. Finding a pinch between thumb and finger, lowering my head to offer her my lips.
And I can do this forever. Offering, having, taking, touching. Tasting the sweat of her skin salty against my lips, tracing patterns more intricate than any torn apart dress.
She shivers as my tongue dips inside her navel, my fingers making deft work of sneaking inside her panties. “Shit B…”
Such sweet sentiment.
Her voice hoarse the way I like it, bringing music to my ears. My lips descending to kiss away the last barrier of clothing that covers her skin. My tongue sliding between my fingers to wrap in the smooth folds of her pussy.
And did I mention done for?
This is more done for. This is the craziest feeling in the world. My fingers firm as they slip inside, my pulse racing as her hands wrap about my head. Pulling me closer, urging me harder.
“That’s it B…” Making prayers of her own. “…god, that’s it.”
And I give. Everything I am. My arm going across her navel now to hold her in place, the bucking of her hips matching the crashing of my fingers perfectly… but I need her still. My slayer strength demanding that she lay back, that she lets me fuck her exactly how I need to. How I want to. My lips dying to kiss her pussy with every ounce of passion I have ever owned. Wanting her to come that way. To lose herself in the rhythm of my tongue.
“Easy Faith. Easy…” Placating her with words as I slide my fingers from her body. Not giving her the time to protest before I lower my head back down. Tasting her properly. All of her open to me. Offered to me.
And I feast. And I taste. And I was wrong.
There is nothing bitter about my destiny. It is the sweetest taste I could ever have imagined. It’s the taste of Faith.
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