POV Faith
Forgiveness.
A word that comes with being sorry. A word that I understand. I’ve been sorry for so many things during my life, that there was a time I didn’t just wonder that ‘sorry’ wasn’t my name. Not Faith, that was a cool name, a name for someone who was good. Someone to believe in. Not me. No. Sorry suited me better than any word I had ever heard, one big fucked up walking mistake. Not a chance at being good, cos I was just so damn bad.
I didn’t even know how much I hated it. For so long I ran with the idea that I was tougher, better, that no one could touch me, I didn’t want to be touched. I was every masochist’s dream date. Fuck me more, fuck me harder, fuck me up. As long as there was no pillow talk after, no voice to remind me of where I was… hell, then I was fine. Then I could tell myself that I was in control. That I was the fucking queen of badass.
Tears only ever allowed to fall if I was smashed, if alcohol had dulled my senses enough not to care. Not to fight. Weakness didn’t matter then, not when I could wake up the next day and throw up the sickness out of me. Another day, back on the track. Another day to spiral further and further down, distancing myself from life until all that was left was to beg for death. Until I had destroyed every single tie that could have kept me clinging to the thing called living.
So yes. I know sorry. I know what it looks like. What it tastes like. And I know what it sounds like. Not the two syllable word that doesn’t count for shit, show me that word and I’ll beat ya to death.., I mean the real sorry. The one that speaks for more than a thousand empty words. The one that bares it’s pain in a hunch of a shoulder, in the weariness of an eye. In the willingness to stand and take more pain because you believe that is all that there is left that you could possibly deserve. All that you will ever deserve.
But everyone deserves another chance. Not a second chance. Or a third chance. Fuck it… a million damn chances. If someone can stand and be that sorry then they deserve everything that you have left. Even someone like me. Someone who took life. Someone who fucked over her friends. Who hurt the one person that had ever tried to make them different. Make them more. Even I got another chance. And I know if I fall down again, if I scrape my knees on the path marked evil, I know that still there’d be people there pulling me back, holding onto me… believing in me.
There’s a whole lot of strength in that knowledge. Even when the world starts shaking again, there’s strength. A place to turn to. A centre of calm. Angel had helped me find mine. Had helped me find a lot of things. It was him who first made me realise what forgiveness really was. How it came with being sorry.
It ain’t even something you can work at either. I mean what? Be good for a few days and I’ll forgive you? Fuck off. That’s as bullshit as them other two syllables. You show me that you’re sorry, you show me with the hunch, with the weariness… you show me something I can recognise and you have my forgiveness. Don’t even gotta ask for it… I know what the bottom of the barrel feels like. I wouldn’t make anyone stay there if I could help them out, could give them a hand up.
And I’m not a fucking hero, Angel is a hero. These are his words, I’m borrowing them because I believe in them. I trust in them.
I was so full of rage and anger when I spoke to him, every word a cuss word, every sentence spat with hate down the phone. He hung up on me, told me to call again once I’d put the old me back to bed. Said if I didn’t ring him back in five minutes he was gonna be getting his ass down here to take a kick at mine. And then he gave me the cut off tone. The fucking receiver sitting pointless in my grasp. So much sitting pointless within my grasp.
Made me take a step back. A sit down. A long fucking sigh and then back on the phone. I knew that he would shut me up, it was why I had rang him. And I knew that he would make me remember, remember how sorry I was, how easy forgiveness should be. How destructive hate can be.
He gets the Buffy thing just like I do. It cuts him too, hurts him too. When you love someone you don’t want to see them fall, to see them lower themselves to the worst kind of depravity. Destroying themselves because it’s all that they can do. No. When you love someone you want them to shine, to sparkle… more than anything you want them to smile. He wants Buffy’s happiness just like I do.
So I know that I can forgive her. I do forgive her. I only had to look at how sorry she was and I forgave her. But the bitch of the sitch is that forgetting is so much harder. And everyone knows that. Look at Wes. The guy works side to side with me, he relies on me. Yet he’s still fucking scared of me. One wrong word and he shits his pants. A wrong look, a harsh tone. He hasn’t forgotten. No matter if he forgives me, he can’t forget. And the Scoobs? Man, they took me in like I never would’ve believed, but it still only took one word from Buffy to make them trust that I was flipping. Memories are a hard fucking thing to get rid of. They bare the scars of all of my bad times just like I do. Maybe always will do.
So I’m stuck in a place where every moment, I want to pull her up from that barrel, yet I don’t wanna touch her for fear of what I’ll feel. If his touch has branded itself to her skin, a tattoo that can’t be erased, a stench that can’t be removed.
Listening to her justify it had made me feel sick. Hearing the words again, seeing the show in my head… fuck. I threw acid from my tongue without even thinking. Defences still urging that I should hit back. Should hurt back. ‘You’re sorry B? Well fuck you B’. That’s what those minutes felt like. They felt like crushing her underfoot. Ignoring every word I’d heard, all the syllables. They were bullshit.
And they stayed bullshit until I heard the tone. Until I saw the way her eyes shone with the horror of just everything. Her arms sliding around herself in a last grab at comfort. Then it stopped being bullshit. I felt the words.
‘…he can hurt me.’ And I saw just how much he had. Just how much she had hurt herself.
I slapped back the troops with some more of that acid, doused the flames of riot with a forceful punch of my own. It hurt to dismiss her, to toss her aside, but it hurt less than watching her get ripped apart. Than seeing her ready to just accept blows. Her friends are angry, they have that right… they all have the right, but destroying Buffy isn’t the way to get over it. Especially not now. Not when they all need each other so much.
I didn’t think that I was ready to face her in the basement, didn’t think that I could make my mouth work without adding more of the bad stuff. God, I tried so hard to just keep it..? Calm? Stable? Not another fucking moment that wraps us up and in. I am a slayer, she is a slayer, the world needs saving. I tried to keep it that. Not us.
I got angry at myself for wanting to care so much. For wanting my first act to be taking her in my arms and holding her firm. Holding her steady. I got angry that all she ever seems to do is to touch inside of me… even after this, after him, she still has the fucking ability to make my heart pound louder. It’s not a realisation to keep cool to. I had to question her on him, to make her say the words to keep it real, to keep myself from just falling to my knees and holding her.
Fight the buzz. Fight the feeling. Punch the bag. Punch anything.
Every time I felt the pull bring her nearer, I took a step away. Tried to ignore whatever the hell it is that has us bound together, the thing that makes loving her seem like the most natural thing in the world. Imagined him instead, the sneer that sits on his face so well. That vibe that crawls across my skin. And then her words, reaching in… touching places.
Don’t listen. Don’t react. Don’t make it so damn fucking easy!
And I said that I was screwed. It was the first feeling that made sense. I wanted the truth and she gave me the truth. Truth that made me sick, that made me retch with the knowledge. But still not the loudest truth. The one that I saw, the one that I have been seeing. The one that stopped her eyes looking dead, the one that says no matter what..? My shit, her shit… the whole fucking world’s shit, it doesn’t matter. Because underneath it all we just see each other.
It softened the edges. It made me smile.
It makes me wish that I could forget the pressure of the job and whisk her away for a weekend in the country. A well deserved R&R. But instead I have to make this not about us, not about losing sight of everything to lose my sight in her. Sometimes just standing next to her can make the world fade, can make everything else dull in comparison… and I can’t do that. I can’t protect a world that I can’t see.
So I’ll keep her at arms length, I’ll be the slayer to her slayer and for now that is all. It’s like I said, we can save the world and then we can save ourselves. And I do believe that we can be saved, but more than that I believe that we deserve the chance to be saved. To take the ‘this’ that keeps me coming back for more and turn it into an ‘us’.
It still hurts, it still gives me pain like no fucking other… but I know that she didn’t mean to hurt me. Didn’t plan to hurt me. It was all about hurting herself. I understand that. I know that. And I forgive that.
It is all that I could do.
Now ask me about the dead fucker. Ask me how damn hard it is to turn to him for help when all I want to do is to turn him into dust. My sickness is all for him now, my sneers and my distaste. I know how evil works, the way it slips into our cracks, slides in past our defences. With me it was the Mayor, knowing which words he needed to say to sway my feet, to have me falling into step beside him… and with B it was Spike. Sliding his deceit inside of her, tainting her with the blackness that is all evil. I bet he thought a thousand fucking years of Christmases had come at once when he saw how easy it would be to screw her over. How fucking desperate and sinking fast she was. The guy could have been a fucking hero, could have been more than the chip in his head. But he wasn’t. He took her. And he hurt her. I fucking hate him.
But I can reel it. I’m the god damn slayer, I waste things bigger and badder than him for breakfast. He won’t break me. Won’t taunt me into losing my control. He can help and then he can fuck off, understand that his ‘free pass’ here is over now… my say so. My rules. Do I sound tough? I ought to, I damn well feel it. My hand around my stake assures me of it. One wrong move, one wrong look. You can believe that I’ll be looking for it.
I look again at the phone that prompted this latest bout of deep thought. The words that she said, the orders that she issued. Seems we’re moving up a gear, that the time to fight is drawing closer. It suits me, I want it over and done with, put to rest. I search out Cordy to give her the low down, find her propped on the sofa staring contentedly at the TV. Her eyes rising to meet mine as soon as she hears me. I know I’m not the only one that wants this over, that wants to move on. Cordy has places to be, people to see.
“That was B on the phone, she wants us to go over…”
“And what Buffy wants, Buffy gets. There’s a surprise!”
“Huh…?” Did someone turn up the hostility? “What’s the deal Cor?”
“You! And her!… don’t get me wrong, I’m not a fan of ‘Psycho Faith’, anymore than the next person, but…”
Oh, I know where this is going. She wants to run a protection ring all around me. Save me from the big bad B.
“…I don’t understand how you can be so..?”
“Forgiving?”
“No! Not forgiving… whupped!” I am SO not whupped. “One word from her and we’re back best buds? I didn’t even get to shout at her! I WANTED to shout at her!”
“You wanted to shout at her?” I back away as she gets up, it’s not so often that Cordy loses her cool. It’s pretty frightening, even for me.
“She ‘needs’ shouting at! All those times Faith, you remember them? With Dawn… and she was, with… ugh, it’s so wrong!” Her hands are gesticulating wildly and her eyes are flaming fire. “And you? The way she plays you…”
“Hold up there Cordy.” I raise my hand, I may be scared but I am not being played. “You can tear as many strips from her as you like, but not for that… she hasn’t played me. Not this time.”
“You see? Whupped!” Her face looks like pain, and I worry she might blow a gasket. Or ten. I’ll go for the calming voice, point her towards reason.
“Did you speak to Angel?” And more flashes of pain.
“Yes! And don’t worry… his saying the same lines as you. ‘Forgive Buffy, Love Buffy’, well ya know what?”
I shake my head. “Fuck Buffy!”
Ok. I need to work on my calming skills. “Fuck Buffy?”
“I’m sick of it being ok for her to hurt people, people that I care about.”
Her angers dissipates over the last word and I get it. Of course I do. “Cordy, you’ve gotta know that it wasn’t about hurting me, Dawn, hurting any of us. It was about hurting herself.”
She looks unimpressed, and I see again that she’s heard that too. “Well I guess the collateral damage is ok then, right? As long as it was centred on Buffy, everyone else can fall by the way… same old Sunnydale story.”
God. With the bitter. “Why so pissed? It’s not like you to not find the empathy.”
“Maybe for just a second I’d like the world not to revolve around her! Five minutes back and my whole world depends on the moods of Buffy Summers. Why is that?”
“I dunno… maybe you’re hot for her?” I watch as her face goes from thunder to the ridiculous. See some of my Cordy come back to the fore.
“Hot… for her?”
“Uh-huh. She’s got ya pretty worked up there, all flushed, little breathless…” I’m wiggling my brows, giving her all of my looks. “…maybe you’re the whupped one?”
I swear she’s fucking growling! “I will never be hot for a girl like her! EVER! You and Angel can have that all for yourselves…”
Ooooh! Spot the obvious? Anyone?
“So you’re pissed at Angel then?”
She’s trying to hide it. “Which logic are you using there Faith?”
“The state the obvious one, it’s my favourite.” And I won’t let her.
Her rampant pacing halts to a stop, the sofa battered as she throws herself down. “Just tell me Faith, why her? Am I missing something? The way Angel speaks about her it’s like she’s the damn second coming…”
And what can I say? Of course Angel loves her. Always will. But he’s not like… IN love with her. I know that. “I think you’re freaking for nothing, the big guy just wants the best for her, same as he wants the best for me… for you.”
I watch as she sighs so fucking large. “Can we just get out of here soon? I swear I hate Sunnydale.”
“That’s kinda what I came out here for, B said on the phone that…”
“Didn’t you speak to her enough last night?”
“Huh?”
“Well, what was it… three times?”
Oh for fucks sake. “They were about the bad stuff! They were business calls!
“Yes Faith, I forgot how business minded you are…”
This isn’t fair. “Man, can you cut me a break here? I’m trying ok?” I see her hush, her mouth close with a question in her eye. “I don’t want to bend over backwards for her, I swear I don’t… but I can’t not forgive her Cordy, not because I love her, or any of that shit… but because I know what it’s like, I know that she’s sorry.”
Maybe the depth in my words touches somewhere, because she doesn’t fire back Cordy style. She takes a breath and keeps it tight. Allows me to keep speaking. Explaining. “I rang her again last night because she went to see him… I wanted to know how it went…”
“Dusty?”
I give her the look that says ‘I wish’. “No, not this time, seems he thinks he can help. He’s got some info.”
“And then will she dust him?”
What do I know? He’s not chipped up to her. She’s allowed to dust him. Right? “Fucked if I know Cordy, I doubt it…”
She looks, I look. We both sigh. “So what is the plan according to our wondrous leader?”
“We’re meeting at hers, after sundown.” I look out the window. It is sundown. “Giles got in this afternoon, Spike’s gonna be there… I think it’s just pow-wow, we get the evil dead’s info, Giles points us in the right direction.”
“Yay! More research!” And I feel that. There’s nothing more strenuous than hitting the books. I’d rather hit anything else. I watch as she closes her eyes for a second, opens them up with a glint in her eye. The Cordy glint.
“Hey, do you think Giles got all sexy and cool like Wes did?”
And where did that come from? “You think Wes is sexy cool?”
It’s fun to watch her stumble back over her words. The eyes all flying wide. “Uh… sexier? Cooler?”
And I ain’t even keeping in my laughs. It’s sweet relief. “It wouldn’t be hard!” She laughs with me, glad to have escaped. It only makes me laugh harder. “And don’t think you’re getting away with it… I am SO telling Angel that you’re crushing on Wes again, man, he’s gonna be broken hearted…”
“I am NOT crushing on Wes, ewww, the memories…”
“They keep you warm at night?”
“Faith!”
And I see no reason to stop. “All the time I though you were sweet on Angel, you got me fooled. Really, kudos to you girl…” I’m ready to launch into some full on teasing. A break from the bad stuff. Just finding the fun.
“Faith, I’m saying this one last time. I do not have a crush on Wes, NOT even a little…” I stick my tongue out. I feel juvenile. “…and Angel.”
Her voice softens. Just like that. And I forget the fun. Just like that. “I know you think there’s some great romance going on, but really… no. It’s just, I just love him. You get that?”
Of course I get that, and now I feel mean for the teasing. It must be hard, loving something you know you can never have. Not really have. Another place I remember. I should be a fucking tour guide.
“I get it. I’m sorry.”
“Forgiven.”
She smiles the kinda smile you only get to see if you live in her circle. She can be as caustic to the rest of the world as she likes. Cordelia Chase is a fucking beautiful person. You just have to be in her circle to see it.
It’s broken the chain of banter. Both of us calm now. Just sitting, just thinking. I would’ve guessed that her thoughts rested with Angel, not the other vampire… but her words teach me different. “Will you be ok tonight, with him there?”
“Ask me if HE will be ok?”
And I have to watch that venom. It falls so easily for him. “Faith?”
My hands find my hair as if they are pulling out the sigh. “I just wanna kill him Cor, want to end him… it burns me, you know?”
I see her nod, she reaches out her hand and places it calmly on my arm. A little squeeze, a little comfort. “It’s not for me. It WAS for me… to calm my anger, dull the pain… but now? Now I just want to wipe out what he did to her. She was at her lowest and he just dragged her down lower… took her to the depths and then some, I just… I fucking hate him, do you get that?”
Another squeeze. Permission to continue. “I won’t lose it, I know I won’t… but it doesn’t mean I don’t want to. That it’s hard. Slaying’s what I do, he makes me want to do it.”
“You’ll be fine.”
“He even looks at me wrong though, speaks to me…”
“Shush.” She won’t let the anger boil. Knows me well enough to prevent it. “He won’t get near you Faith, I won’t let him. You may have some moral hang ups, but I’m not so afflicted… he comes near you and I’ll kill him.”
And I believe her. Balls of steel this woman. Fucking balls of steel. “Thanks.”
“The same goes for Buffy.”
“Huh?”
“If she hurts you again Faith, then she’s done for. I won’t make this hard for her, and that’s for you.” Should I say thank you again? “I understand that she was in pain, I’m not an ass… but I love you, you know that. If she hurts you again, I won’t be held back.”
“You want me to warn her?”
“I can take care of that myself, I think, don’t you?”
I believe she could take care of anything. Have I ever told you she’s my hero? “I think you have it under control… just go easy though ok? She’s pretty beat up, no need to add to that.”
I don’t mean it too, but that does come out a little sounding like a warning. No threat, not hostile. But a silent warning. I love Buffy, and I don’t want to see HER hurt again.
Her eyes roll, her head shakes. She mumbles under her breath. “Whupped.”
And I don’t even argue. I know the truth. I’m not whupped, I’m looking to find the bricks to build a partnership. The road to equality. If I’m whupped, then I’ve seen enough in her eyes to know that she is whupped too. I can deal with that. Give me the time, and I’ll deal with all of it.
“Are you ready set to motor?”
Her face says no. A firm no. Luckily her words disagree. “Sure, can’t wait… bring on the fun times.”
“I hear ya.” And I do. Oh for just one night of fun…
We pick ourselves up though, dust ourselves off for more of the same. Hopefully something we can work with. An idea what we’re dealing with. She plods to the car with heaviness in her step. I can’t help but feel the lightness in mine. Yeah it’s work, yeah it’s hard. But ya see… I have this partner. A slayer to my slayer. And the world can throw us whatever it wants, we’ll take whatever it gives.
Yeah I’m light. And I’m ready to burn the darkness.
*****
The troops were assembling as troops always do. There to face the bad, there to fight the bad. It was what they did. Regardless of their worlds, the things which rocked them personally, they were always there. Xander with Anya, so often the relief amongst the angst. Willow and Tara, beaten but not broken. Dawn skittish, not happy to be facing more of the bad stuff, the scary stuff. And Buffy. Still suffering the feel of castration, an aside from the group that she felt she understood. Believed that she deserved.
Giles returning home today, home to them, it had felt so damn good, one more reason to smile amongst so many reasons to find tears. Buffy had lost herself in his embrace, not scared to burst forth to him with feeling, to show him just how far from the path of goodness she had strayed. And he had taken it in his stride, not offered more words of disgust and distaste. Mostly just disbelief. Absolute wonder that she could have ever turned to something that was just so… vile.
And then he had been swamped by the others, everyone exuberant to have him back in town. Back in the fold. The gloom of knowing nothing, lifting with the knowledge that he was there. That he was back guiding the ship. Hopefully sailing around the disasters. It wasn’t like they blamed him for going… not really. It had just seemed that since he had left, there had been so much that had gone wrong. Him letting go of their hands being all of their cues to fall.
They were waiting now, just tapping there toes to the sound of the clock and counting all of the minutes. Spike was coming. And no one was happy about it. They had learnt to accept him as a helper on the periphery, but letting him back into their core, now that he had struck at their hearts? It helped to keep the beginning of sneers in place. A general air of discontent. When the door had gone at the back they had all looked up. All knowing who still thought they had easy access. Who didn’t realise just how hated he had become.
“Spike.” And it was Giles who took the charge, the role of protective father so easy to fall back on.
“Oh bloody hell, ‘you’re’ back.” The vampire tried to keep his menacing form. It was hard. His face bore the healing scars of a thousand hits, and his body moved with the evidence of a thousand more. It made the group smile. Made them grateful to Faith. She may not have executed the job in the full way that they all wished for, but seeing him before them like this was some kind of payback. A calming measure.
“Yes Spike, I am back. You’ll be pleased to know that I’ve heard all about your nasty little soirees with Buffy, and if you didn’t look so pathetic, I would beat you myself.” His voice bore the tone that they would all think of as ‘Ripper’. He had no trouble projecting HIS menacing form.
“She was there too you know? I didn’t deflower your Virgin Bloody Buffy all by myself!”
It made the man advance, so quickly from cool, into the heat of rage. The former watcher using all of his strength to wrap his hand around the throat of the vampire. “I think you should speak only when asked from now on. Don’t you?”
“Giles, leave him… he is here to help, right Spike?”
He released his hold and stepped back, didn’t remove the solid look of distaste from his face.
The vampire straightened himself up and gained some distance from the angry old guy, he trailed his gaze up over the girl, the girl that he had possessed. Wanted back. Making it plain where his thoughts lay. Where his eyes wandered. “Sure thing Blondie, I’ve got lots that you need.”
She tried to stop his eyes from entering her, the eyes of all of her friends studying her with their inquisitive gazes. “Right. Lots of information. That’s good.”
“So can we start already? I for one have loads more important things to do other than this, weddings don’t plan themselves you know.”
“An honey, we’re waiting for Faith, we can do wedding stuff later… MORE wedding stuff.” His sigh was felt through the room. Maybe research wasn’t the worst thing ever. It gave them something to think about, something other than the bruise covered corpse sitting on the sofa. Something to occupy them until the door knocked this time. No presumption to just enter. Making Tara lift up, open the door. Find a smile.
“Faith, Cordy… we were just waiting for you.”
“The best things come, princess.” Faith wiggled her eyebrows at the witch. She wouldn’t betray true feelings. Her nervousness of this moment. Deep breaths. In and out. There was nothing in this room that could beat her. Nothing.
She flicked her eyes to them all with a genuine smile. Stepped up to Giles. Maybe wavered a little. “Hey, Giles…”
“Faith, I heard you were back, Buffy’s been filling me in.”
“Right.., uh… is that good?”
“It’s certainly not bad. I hear you’ve been doing really well for yourself, for everybody.”
“Hey, you gonna start hugging me? Getting with the tears?”
“Not very likely. I just wanted to say well done. I always wondered that there wasn’t more to you.”
She grinned a little at that. She used to wonder the same thing. “Well I’m trying. It’s tough, but it’s worth it.” And then she grinned a lot. More bridges crossed, more of that forgiveness. She almost wished that she didn’t have to turn her gaze to him. To look at the face of all of her distaste. At least he was broken, battered and torn. It was the only thought that she would allow. Not the others. The plaguing ones. No. She couldn’t forget, but she didn’t want to remember. So she focused on his pain. Allowed herself to find her own sardonic smile. “Spikey, nice of YOU to drop by.”
And his sneer couldn’t touch her. Cordy’s arm was by her side, soft soothing circles. Adding words to keep her cool. “You look a little beaten there Spike, you should be careful who you upset.”
“Enough, It seems that everybody’s here… can we get down to business?”
“Where’s Andrew?” Tara spoke up, the one watching the others. Signs, signals. Not much getting past. She noticed the lacking, the one who was missing.
“Andrew? Who’s Andrew?”
“He’s uh… he’s our new boy wonder, Giles. He gets the cakes and stuff now, I got a promotion!”
“Wonderful Xander, so where is he?”
“He’s probably sodded off, can we just get on with this?” Spike kept his eyes down. His knowledge on the inside.
“Tell us what you know…” And Buffy stood, forgetting the personal, ready to command again. “…that’s a good place to start.”
“I was playing poker, didn’t think nothing of it… hearing talk about demons pissing off cos they heard the big stuff was coming. This is the Hellmouth, the big stuff is always coming…”
“So what’s the big stuff?”
No one could miss the little smile that crossed his busted lips. Just for a second, just for a moment. Too quick to analyse. Just noticed. “Something about a… ‘well of all evil’? That sound like anything you know?”
“Oh forget it Spike, I was a demon for centuries… I know that place is a myth, everyone knows that place is a myth!”
“Suit yourself, not what I heard.”
“What are we talking about..? A well of what?”
“All evil Buffy… like a bedtime story for demons. A place where their energy would go when vanquished. Like demon heaven… just as mythical as ours.”
“Slow down Giles, I was IN heaven… no myth!”
Buffy watched as her watcher cast her a glance slightly dubious. “You think that you were in heaven, it could have been any realm… any existence, you have no proof that it was actual ‘heaven’ as such.”
She stood there astounded. It WAS heaven. And it wasn’t mythical.
“So what’s the what with the facts watcher guy? The vamp speaking crap?” Faith was hoping on ‘yes’. Maybe praying on ‘no’. She didn’t want his help, so fucking didn’t want his help, but they needed something. Even mythical places. “We ringing the wrong bells?”
“According to all known research the place is myth, a belief for demons that they would gain a return to existence… that if the portals between worlds was opened then all evil could be reborn. A scary tale, but as far as is known, still just a tale.”
“So why are all the locals pissing off? If it’s ‘just’ mythical?”
Tara added her quiet voice to the proceedings. An observation. “And didn’t Faith mention portals..? Someone wants to open a portal?”
“Oh god… I’m not the key again am I?”
“No Dawnie… not this time, looks like I’m the key this time round.” Willow couldn’t help the desolation that laden down the words. It all sounded bad, fiction or fact. And it all stemmed from her.
“No one’s the key, because nothing is getting open… I’m here this time. And evil had better be scared.” The girl tried to make her words sound strong. False bravado was better than none. “Cordy? Toss us your cell.”
“My cell?” But she was already reaching into her bag for it. Passing it to Faith’s hands and awaiting her move. Watching her scroll through the buttons. Hearing her ask. Feeling the flush.
“What’s Angel under?” The slayer showed confusion. She’d checked all the A’s. Been through half the dictionary.
“Angel… uh,” She pulled back the phone, went straight to ‘M’. Passed it back to Faith with a look of pleading. “Okay?”
And Faith couldn’t help but smile when she looked down at the words. “Cute Cor, cute.” But she didn’t rib her, or embarrass her. That could come later. For now she needed some help. Business help.
“Hey Angel, no it’s not Cordy… Uh-huh… Yeah, I need some info.”
The gang looked on as she relayed the words. ‘Well of all evil.’ It sounded kinda… spooky, but not… too spooky. It wasn’t like a huge great monstrous beast bursting out from the depths of a well. That would be bad. No. It was just a well. Something they could put a lid on. Really. Not so bad.
And then they watched the silence. Heard the quiet sighs and lack of laughter in the words. It made them think more spooky. Made them think that maybe Spike wasn’t just throwing them a curve. That it was big and bad. When Faith had taken a pen and started scrawling onto a pad of paper, then they knew that it was all of the above. A real threat.
“Yeah… I’ll call you back later, and really, thanks man. You’re a legend.” She clicked the phone closed and tossed it back to Cordy. Tried not to shake as she passed it.
“What did he say?”
“Easy B, I’m still making sense of it.” She took a steadying breath, a second to compose. “Angel said it’s true. There is a place… where demons go, he said he thinks he may have been there…”
“Been there?”
“Before B, when you… uh, vanquished him.” She watched as the other girl lived the moment again. Just quick. Flashes and gone. “He said he’s been doing research into it ever since, still not sure if it was true… and then he found a name.”
She passed the paper across to Buffy, saw her glance at it and pass it to Giles. “So he found a really long name, what’s it mean?”
“He said it’s Latin, that a monk centuries ago tried to open the portal, he believed that it wasn’t just a place… that it was an entity. Something solid… he called it uh… he said the translation was, ‘The leech full of monsters’, he thought that he could release it and then control it… control evil.”
“So what happened?”
“According to all that Angel could find, it swallowed the monk whole. He found a spell to open the portal… but he didn’t have the power to bring anything out… it sucked him in. More evil to add to the digestion.”
The room hushed for a moment, trying to make sense of the words being spoken.
“But I never heard that! I was a kick ass demon, and I never heard that!”
“I must concur with Anya, I’ve never heard of it being anything other than myth… certainly not an entity, or for that matter a… leech?”
“That’s what the big guy said, when the portal sucked the monk in, it just reinforced the belief that it was only a place… no one attempted to open it again… stories were forgot.” She shrugged her shoulders, she didn’t know either. “Angel said it’s only because it was personal that he searched so hard… he wanted to know if the threat was real.”
“And now he thinks it is?” Buffy was in her stride. Putting the captain’s hat on. This was a solid problem that they could deal with, a solid problem that they could fight.
“He found a prophesy…”
“Oh god, I told him if he keeps reading those he’ll go blind!”
“He didn’t listen Cor, he seems pretty sure on this one. He hoped he’d never see it happen… but now…” She looked back down at her notes, scrawled and almost unintelligible. Her hand had been shaking when she wrote them. The buzz was right. It felt right. Slayer senses in all their glory. It made her wonder if the dreams would start. “He said that if there was a time when one as evil as the monk tried to open the portal, and one powerful enough stood at their side… if that time came then the world would see. The well of evil would run over. The… monster leechy thing would suck everyone’s soul dry.”
“The wedding is going to be ruined isn’t it?”
They all stared to look at Anya. No one even believing her thought process. “This isn’t about the wedding An, this is that evil thing remember… the thing that we fight, all important?”
“Oh I know that Xander, I’m not an imbecile… I just, I wanted the perfect wedding.”
He didn’t scold her, didn’t let his friends scold her. He loved this here ex-demon with all of her little quirks. For her little quirks. “We will have the perfect wedding, we just need to tame the big bad leechy thing first, ok?” His kiss landed on her nose and reminded her of all the reasons that she wanted that perfect wedding in the first place.
“So now we all know that we have to save the world for the sake of the wedding! It’s a game plan, now what about real plans? Faith? Did he say anything else?”
“Not a thing B, he’s gonna dig out all his stuff, I’ll call him back later. Other than working the books this end… hell, that’s it. I’m out.” She shrugged her shoulders again. At least it was something.
“Well research we can do, I have some ancient Latin scripts stored in the attic…” Giles turned his attention to Xander. “…maybe you could get them down?”
“No problem, I go from carrying cakes, to fetching books… as promotions go, I’m looking for the pay rise!”
And he did rise, happy to have a task, a focus. All of them happy to have a task. So into it in fact that they almost forgot about the corpse on the sofa. The smell reminded them. “Spike, thank you for the information. Now don’t you have places to be?”
The vampire pretended at shock at the words. “Well that’s bloody great! I help you out ‘again’, even though I just took a beating from the new girl…” He didn’t dare cast his eyes to her though. Not yet. Soon. “…and now you’re turfing me out?”
“It seems like the decent thing to do… perhaps you need me to show you the door?”
Giles had soaked up the tension in the room, seen where much of the problem lay. When Buffy had told him about Spike, he had been… shocked? Devastated? He could see the same on all of his charges faces. It made him want to eject the evil. To bring the house back under order. And perhaps everyone had sighed a sound of relief when the evil had left without cursing, no more fuel added to the fire of hatred that was already burning his way.
And then it settled some. Not relief. The division was still there. Friends avoiding eyes because of betrayal, mistrust. The doom and gloom of the situation allowed to take a hold because no one could find the humour to release it. To overcome it. Giles looked at them and wondered at what had happened. How so much could have gone so wrong and so fast. Had he missed the signs before he had left? Had he ignored them?
“Man, this is so damn full of crap!”
“Huh?” They all turned to look at Faith, startled from their own researching.
“Ok, I get that this is bad, that this is gonna be a biggy… but god, I am so sick of this bullshit.” She tossed the book to the side, a petulant look on her face. A slump in her shoulders. “Can’t we take a break? It’s not late, can’t we go dance some… do something, anything?”
“Faith, the research is important…”
“You don’t need to tell me that Giles, I get that. But fuck, look at us..? Do any of us look up to fighting evil?” She cast her own glance around with his. Everyone was wasted, the private traumas rising up to coat the already stale task of research in nothing but pointlessness. No freshness for the fight.
“I could do with a break, I think it’s a great plan, nice one Faith!”
“Thanks Anya, anyone else? A little R and R?”
Willow’s eyes forgot the words swimming in front of her. Desperate to cling to something else. Something fun. “R and R, Faith? Is that similar to the H and H?”
And it did make those in the know laugh a little. Maybe a chuckle. A little lighter, a little airier. Easier to breathe. “Not quite Red, but if ya wanted I could show ya…” The wiggle of her brow always perfect for sliding the meanings home. “…maybe ALL the letters of the alphabet.”
“Sounds like fun!” They turned to Buffy then, maybe gawping a little, cos it kinda sounded… after Faith’s words… well it sounded. “Oh! Guys… not like that, I mean getting out… for a while, a little break. Not that!”
And even though they were pissed at her it was still kind of funny. Still vintage Buffy. The one that they had been missing. It rose the buzz of the room away from the evil, eyes not afraid to look anymore, not afraid to see. Giles understood too, saw where bridges could be rebuilt.
“I can see that the quest for knowledge has lost against the quest for fun, go on… all of you. Two hours, enjoy it.”
“No way dude, this is your welcome back gig, and you’re not missing the party!” Faith was clinging onto the sudden feeling of light, a sense that there could still be some fun left. She also knew the need for bridges, how much these friends relied upon each other. If Angel did indeed speak the truth of what they faced, then fun times were gonna go missing for a while. The time to heal some. No. They needed this, all of them, and Giles was a part of that. Plus… she had some words to say there. Not business words. But important ones all the same. She was just waiting for her place to. A time to.
Dusty tomes were laid aside with easy glee. Like naughty school children sneaking off for one last moment of pleasure before the real task started. Before the big bad came. Because it didn’t matter how much they smiled at each other. How much they sought to reassure each other. Big bad WAS coming.
The vampire that stalked them from the bushes was sure of that. Things were changing in Sunnydale. Power was shifting, and he was determined that he would get his very own share of power back. He felt invincible. It wasn’t just a bedtime story. Daft fools. And the sooner that they understood the fear then the sooner that he could strike. They had to understand how bad it was, how big it was… had to be in position to do what was needed.
He watched them go into the club. He watched Buffy. His plans may have changed about how he would get her, but get her he would. For every door closed, another one opens. Only this time it was a portal. And he was gonna fetch the key.
It seemed just a little favour in return for the chip.
He turned away as he lit his smoke, followed his nose to the centre of the evil. Plans had been set in motion, his first half of the bargain was complete, and now he wanted to collect. He was sure that his head demanded it.
Chapter 21.
POV Faith.
Walking through the door to the Bronze had been like stepping straight through a door to another world. Our very own portal. A good portal. The bass which was thumping from more than a block away, had been steadily calling to me, calling to all of us. Feet moving faster to just join us to the sound. Like a hushed buzz that hummed the senses, the others reluctant to embrace it because of all of the bad.
Well fuck the bad! I’ve seen more than enough bad to know that you have to grab at the fun times. You have to grab them, magnify them, and damn well make sure that you remember them. It’s what keeps me going. The thought of more.
The doors had fallen open upon a sea of smiling faces. Not one even caring that there was a world left outside, for them the only world was in here. The here and the now. Girls looking pretty, looking harder for the hook up, boys swarming like flies around each of the girls. Not looking for a hook up, but desperate for it. All of them swaying in time to the music. Brows sweating, energy pumping. It was my kind of world.
We gravitated as a group towards some seats, staked a claim on some sofas. Comfortable seats but not comfortable poses. I sat back and watched them as they watched each other. Saw them wondering what was safe to say, what was right to say. It was like so much tension of the wrong kind, places like this are meant to be full of the other kind of tension, the fun tension… not that. Not the heavy laden silence, the only conversations being ones of the private kind. I’d shown my eyes to Cordy, let her see just what I thought of the Scooby fun times. They were lacking. Completely lacking.
She caught my drift, she always does. Was the first to speak up with any kind of volume. “So…guys..?” It took a moment, but they did all look up. “What’s the deal with drinks around here? I have to get my own?”
Well THAT would be a first.
I held in the obvious, watched Xander be the man that stood at the plate. “I was just gonna bust a groove to the bar, what do ya want?”
She smiled large and gave him her order. I watched him turn and ask his girl, the witches, Giles. I watched him ask Dawn. Then I saw him stumble.
“What about me Xander? This girl not worthy of a drink or two?” He swung round from Buffy to face me. Joviality back in place, assurances that of course I was worth a drink. Probably not two. I took the wink that went with it though. Gave him my order. Offered a bit more. “And what about B? What’s she drinking?”
His eyes buried themselves in mine. All that uncertainty about what to do. How to do it. Whether things really were ok. I wanted him to know that it wasn’t about that… ok or not, things to be worked out or not. We were in this together, all of us. And tonight we were finding the fun. We deserved that. Needed it. I smiled as I saw his acceptance. He has a heart probably bigger than all of ours, and I offered him back his wink as he turned around to face her.
“Buffster? What you drinking?” It came out soft. And it was obvious that he cared.
Dawn’s words came out harsh. “We’re just letting her off with it? Just like that..?”
“Dawnie…”
“NO Tara! Why is it that everything Buffy does wrong, gets to be ok?”
“It’s not ok.”
It slowed Dawn’s rage, made her face the sister that was now talking words to her.
“What I did will never be ok Dawn. You don’t know how much I know that. How much I’m sorry for that...”
I could feel my panic meters all lighting up. Flashing the signs of impending disaster. This wasn’t fun! This was sliding towards angst faster than I cared for. I wanted them to get better, to sort things through… but not right now! Not caring and sharing time when we should be having the fun times. I wouldn’t allow it. I had to speak up.
“Hold up there B, all of you… just hold up.”
And then I had the attention. It made me plaster on my favourite smile, let it shine bright in my eyes. I had the solution here. Not the answer to the problems, but a damn good fix for the next couple of hours. I focused it all on Dawn. I know that she is having the hardest time making sense out of all of the nonsense. She’s a kid being forced to deal with grown up emotions. And I remember how much that sucks.
“Dawn… over there, what do ya see?” I pointed back towards the entrance, the door that we had just come through.
“Is this eye spy?”
And ex-demons are freaks. “No Anya, not eye spy.”
“It’s the ‘door’ Faith, it’s got a handle and everything… oh, and look…a sign, it says ‘Exit’…” The faked amusement slipped from her voice to be replaced by sullen teenager. “…why?”
“Because outside that door kiddo, is a whole lot of bad stuff. Nasty stuff, the kinda scary shit that keeps me and your sister up at night. The kinds of stuff that we come in here to get away from.”
And you know that I had to quickly scan the crowd, had to make sure the undead weren’t bursting my bubble. I was safe. My words were true. “I know it’s hard Dawn, but just for tonight… just let it slide. Forget it. Forget all of the bad stuff and get with the good times. We all deserve a break, ok? All of us.”
I saw the brave smile she tugged to her lips. The soft smile she showed to her sister.
“Were you always so full of good ideas?”
“No way Red, it’s a new addition, I’m still getting used to it myself.” I shot her a grin and sly looked at Cordy. I had meant the words that I said, of course I did. Cordy had heard them before though, I had used pretty much the same speech the last time Angel had caught me goofing off when I was supposed to have been working the books. I went dancing instead. I just don’t do so well with books. Show me a fight and I’ll fight all day, but books..? Not so much.
But it did paper the cracks. Allowed Xander to get Buffy a drink without Dawn biting his arm off. Let the witches grab at hands and pull people up to dance. You know who refused though right? Mr ‘stiff stick up my ass’ English guy.
Sure he was cool, kind of… not really digging the sexy, but either way, he hadn’t loosened up enough. Worked full of kinks, the most strenuous of activity the cursing of the music. And there was no way I was letting him off that easy! Fun was for everyone, not just the willing! I had grabbed him up out of his seat, slayer strength just perfect for the occasion, not anyone able to resist the tug when it was me doing all of the pulling. Led him ominously to the dance floor and damn well forced him to find the groove. Or something.
I dunno what they call it. The funky chicken? But whatever it was he was spazzing it out all over the floor. It added to the occasion, made them laugh, maybe cry tears of down right hysteria…
They WERE all in the right place though. All of them. Each of us helping to show the others the way. Every smile given was gladly returned, encouraging more. Every word spoken without pain being the keys to conversation. As plans go, this one was a good one, it was working. It was working so well that even I was forgetting.
I have this wild side you see, a whole lot of wild sides, but I’ve learnt to tame them, control them. Taught all of them their places, where they belong. But I still know that they’re there. Just waiting for the signal of release. The driving bass line of a song slipping fast through my veins, the techno beat of a hardened classic pulling me off into a trance. And I was letting it seduce me into a frenzy. Every step placed with an absolute assurance that it was the right one, my body gyrating with the pace of the music and yet feeling so much more. It wasn’t just music, it was energy. So much energy to feed from, to add to. I caught eyes as I span, hands latching through mine to join me in a dance, arms swaying with mine, feet stepping with mine. I didn’t even look for her. She was just there.
There wasn’t a moments discomfort, not a moments recognition for anything other than the truth. We just found each other. Maybe because our energy is the strongest? I don’t know… but mine wanted hers, and she was with me before I had to ask. Before I had to wonder. Before I had to doubt. I lost the point of songs, the words of meaning behind them. Didn’t even register as one beat would swing it’s way into the next. It was just about the moving. About the forgetting. And before I even knew it, it was about the remembering.
Like a tease, something pulling at the back of my mind. The way that her shape curved tight into mine, the way her touches burnt themselves across my skin, just the faintest of touches, pulling back… slide in further, pulling back, eyes locking, pulling back. It was all there. And I revelled in it. Rose to the challenge the way that I always had done. My own caresses feathering across flesh, the heat of my breath finding solace on her neck… breathing in her essence. Her power. Offering the eyes under lashes that had always been for her… always open when we danced together. Always harder to hide. Murmuring words softly on the tip of my tongue, pulling her in closer with each unheard sound. It was our dance.
It was more than a dance. It always had been. And she knows it. I see it.
It’s a silent challenge with a whole heap of promises. Promises that used to keep me up all night sweating, dreams tormented by constant wonder… the offer of just something, enough to keep me intrigued. I had never seen an acceptance to take it further though. Had always been the one that ended the dances last, her first to waltz from the floor, and me just left tapping my toes on my own. But tonight my feet hadn’t been left tapping. They had moved with the assurance of knowing the steps. Her place and my place. Had continued to move until she had stopped pulling back. Until every step closer was the intended step nearer. Until her breath sat as heavy on my neck as mine did on hers. Words heard because they were meant to be heard. To be accepted.
“You always were a great dancer Faith.”
We had always danced well together.
I had laughed a little, the chuckle of exuberance. “You remember?”
My eyes sitting sly, asking if she remembered everything. “You think I could ever forget?”
And that had kept the door with the ‘exit’ sign firmly shut on closed. Validated the way that dancing with her was making me feel. Making all of the little touches mean everything that they had ever meant. As the floor had shook with the thump of a thousand feet all dancing to the same tune, I recognised that finally maybe, regardless of what was back outside that door… me and her truly were in synch.
Those touches she was giving were not teasing touches, filling me with wonder. No. They weren’t tormenting me with what we were not, but rather tantalizing me with what we were, what we could be. The sheen of sweat building across my skin more than the effect of fevered dancing, of pushing my body… it was all a reaction to hers. The tight curve of her flesh no longer sliding into mine, but grinding into mine. Not feeling the essence of her power, but experiencing the full force of it. Demanding, aggressive. Her moves turning into the ones that led mine. Her own eyes sneaking peeks through lashes, her hands gliding through hair, down across flesh. Fingertips tracing the skin of my arms to the beat of the song.
Sometimes just standing next to her is enough to make the world fade. When I danced with her tonight my world exploded. Came back together with us at the centre. Me and her. Everyone else revolving slowly around us. I caught glimpses of their looks, just tossed them back with smiles. I wasn’t ready to find the exit door. Not yet. I really did like this world. The things that it offered.
We span and we span until we couldn’t spin no more. Me the first to break ranks this time. Bringing my hand up to my mouth in the classic ‘get me a drink now or I’m gonna pass out’ manoeuvre. I heard something like a giggle, all girly and cute. Followed her ass as it swayed to the bar.
And in the seconds of respite her eyes took in all of the surroundings. “You know Faith? I never thought I’d dance like that in here again.”
Her voice had hinted a hidden meaning, her gaze slipping up to the balconies and back down to me. A slip of the facade, a nod towards pain. I followed her gaze, just saw people watching. Looking down onto the sea of people below them. I didn’t get it. “What do ya mean B?”
“Nothing, it doesn’t matter…”
“Buffy?” I didn’t want more mysteries. More secrets not told. And I needn’t have worried. I had set the rules, she was just following the game plan.
“Not tonight Faith, okay? Tonight’s for the fun times… remember?”
I recognised the look, the one that said ‘please’. The look that assured me that she did need this fun. As much as me. As much as all of us. Probably even more.
“I remember.” I allowed our eyes to lock for a moment, to show her that I would be there. And then I forced them back into role. Raised my eyebrows up in their arches. “Now is it your round, or should I start calling you the ‘stingy slayer’… it has a ring to it…”
“You think I’m stingy?”
“Well I guess the double meat deli only pays in dimes, but serious B? Normally I dance like that with someone, they can’t wait to buy me a drink.”
“So what are you wanting?”
And was that a low blow? Because her eyes had started dipping their gaze, stealing glances at all of the merchandise. It made me wonder at who’s game plan we were following now, it certainly made me step up to the plate. I could swing with the best of them, I’d never missed a home run. “What am I wanting B? Sounds like a loaded question…”
I was slowly backing her into the bar, edging my toes forwards to edge hers ever backwards. My words wrapped in a huskiness that desire always provoked. “…cos if you’re asking about a drink, well… anything with a kick in it.”
I lifted my arm to motion at any of the spirits sitting pretty on the wall. Let my hand slip to skin as I brought it back down. Her skin. Just a shoulder. Every touch meant with solid intent. “But if you were asking about something else B, about what I really want… what I need..?”
I could feel my heart pounding with each word I spoke, letting them pull me in, work me up. The buzz of the dance still racing through veins, still pumping with energy. Still looking for release.
“I need a coke Faith, Dawn’s is a lemonade and the witches are on the heavy stuff.”
I had swung round so fast it’s a wonder I didn’t leave my head behind. “Cordy.”
“Uh-huh, Cordy… now drinks?”
Talk about bad timing. By the glint in her eye I guessed that she thought it was good timing. Bitch. I also knew that I would be getting the drinks. I shrugged at Buffy and turned to the tender. Found it increasingly hard to keep my focus as I noticed Cordy slowly stalking B. Let my eyes bulge wide as she dragged her off for a little one on one. Had she forgotten the fun?? No. Not Cordy!
It maybe soured my way back towards the sofa. Handing out the water for the witches and placing the other drinks on the table. Trying desperately hard to keep up my bravado with the gang as I sought out where they had gone. Counting the seconds until they came back again. Showing my worry as only Cordy returned.
“Where’s B?”
“Calm it hound dog, she’s just at the bar, she’ll be back before you know it.”
“In one piece?” I had to ask. I had my doubts.
Her eyes only rolled and went to ignore me. Engaging Giles in some quality chat, all about the visions. So I waited. Counted too many seconds and had quite enough. “Cordy? Bathroom. Now.”
I wanted to know what was said. Where Buffy had got to. I didn’t care for her sigh as she started to rise. I had said fun! Why couldn’t she just have left it for tonight, maybe put on her warrior suit tomorrow?
I questioned her as soon as the door swung shut, turning to face her. “What did you say?”
“You what?”
“I’m not playing Cor, what did you say to her?”
“Oh for crying out loud! Calm it Faith. I told her that it was nice to see her smiling, that I was glad she was doing okay…” And then she smiled this fucking huge smile, so uniquely hers. “…and I told her that if she ever hurts you, even just a little… then I will beat every single inch of her sweet slayer ass. LOTS of times. Is that alright?”
“You really said that?”
“Well what did you think I was saying? ‘Hey Buffy, I think you’re a whinging whining freak and you’ll never ever be good enough for Faith’?”
I smiled my yes. I smiled my sorry. “I’m an idiot.”
“It’s good that you know it.”
I turned towards the sinks and found some cool water for my hands, for my face. “With you and Angel on my case, I can never forget it.”
“We’re just looking out for you.”
And the sincerity behind her words said all that I needed to hear. “You guys are my heroes. You know that Cordy.”
I let the appropriate seconds fall into space, let her know that I meant it. And then I let her know that I was still on my mission for fun times. The night wasn’t over yet. The door marked ‘exit’ was still firmly closed. “So…”
“So what?”
“‘Your Angel’ then huh?” I put all of my emphasis into it.
And her eyes in the mirror shot wide with the horror. “Faith…”
“No Cordy, it’s cool, I get it. You’ve been buying shares in the big guy…”
“No! It’s not like that.”
“It’s not? Cos ya know… ‘My Angel’, in your phone book, it’s got me thinking.”
I could see the warning lights flashing in her eyes. See the banter building in the curve of her smile. “That’s a phone book thing, I have ‘Angel Investigations’ under ‘A’, I needed something different for his personal line…”
“‘My Angel’? That is pretty personal Cor, all kinds of cute.” And my reward was all in her blush.
“Do you take pleasure in tormenting me Faith? Is that it?” I wanted to laugh out loud, mock the innocence that she was sliding into her tone. This girl played the big leagues, a tiny bit of banter would never keep her down. I stalked my way a little closer. Sexy Faith with her eyes on a target. The role I could play in my sleep.
“I take pleasure in every bit of you Cordy, you know it’s the truth.” I winked her a good one. My gaze potent with the pretence of desire.
And she did begin with the laughing. It started me off. Both of us finding so much fun in our oh so familiar game. It covered the sound of the stall unlocking, the little click as it slid to open. It was barely a second before she spoke though. Let us know that she was there.
“You… and Angel? And pleasure with Faith..? What the hell do you guys get up to in LA?”
“B?”
I was kinda surprised to see her standing there. If I’d known where she was I would’ve come looking. On my own. Her surprise was all directing one way though. One target, one focus. “Cordy?”
And what? It hit me suddenly what the question was about, so ready to jump to wrong conclusions, already memories of forever ago, memories of just days ago… so much rejection wanting to take hold. I figured she was pissed about Angel. Cordy had been jealous of the big guy’s feelings for B, maybe this was my time to remember my jealousy of Buffy’s feelings towards him.
“It’s nothing Buffy, we’re friends… ‘good’ friends.”
“It’s nothing..? But I just heard that cute little ‘My Angel’ thingy, that’s a little past ‘good’, right?”
And don’t ya just know that she was damn well laughing too!
“I give up, I swear… Angel and I are just ‘close’ friends.”
“And what about pleasuring Faith? Is that a ‘close friend’ thing too?”
I wanted to bust a gut. I think I nearly did.
“More like ‘in her dreams’, but hey… even slayers have ambition, right girls?”
I was losing it. Not quite sure who I was supposed to be sparring with. Chose my partner carefully. “So what was you doing hiding in the stalls then B? Listening in is a really bad habit.”
“ I was not listening in!” I saw how quick she flustered, her grab for an excuse. “I was peeing!”
“ALL that time? You sneaking drinks on the sly?”
And we all knew that she was busted. “Ok, I started with the peeing… then I started listening, and I would’ve come out, really… but with the whining and whinging comments…”
It set me off laughing again. Set Cordy off with some words. “Oh god… I didn’t mean it okay, I was just saying…”
“That I was a whinging whining freak… I caught that bit.”
And in all of the ways that it could have been bad it wasn’t. Instead it was smiles, words of acceptance, banter flowing until it was time to move on. Back to the crowd. Cordy walking first, me following, Buffy taking up the rear. I caught the whisper of words to stop me from leaving. “Faith, wait a minute.”
“What?”
“Can we talk?”
I looked at her, looked at Cordy. “I’ll be out in a minute, I’m just gonna…”
“Whupped!”
And she turned again and left. What could I say?
“What do ya wanna talk about B?” I kept it light, tried for no heavy looks of longing.
“You.”
“Me?”
She was smiling all sweet, heading my way. “I just wanted to say thank you for tonight, for making it easier for me… for everything.”
“No sweat B, we all needed to let off the steam, it was nothing.”
“It wasn’t nothing. It was amazing.” The sweetness was fading fast. Being replaced by something I knew much better. Something that tasted so much spicier than sweet. I stood my ground, let her find her way to me. Followed her mouth with my eyes as she carried on speaking. “You’re amazing Faith.”
I saw her say it. I heard her say it. I looked inside of her and knew that she meant it. ‘I’m amazing’? It didn’t sit so well, I was still getting used to it myself, the being something other than bad. I hid my embarrassment behind my own cock sure words. My own change of accent. My own hint of spice. “I can show you the place that I am amazing B… you show me your sheets and you know I’ll be showing you a wicked hot time!”
And she did smile, but she stopped advancing. Forgot the quiet dance into my space. “No… you’re amazing in lots of places.”
“Well yeah, I’ve rocked a few locations, never was one to stick to the bedroom…”
She leant forwards the distance she hadn’t crossed, and put her finger to my lips. “You were amazing with Dawn, you were amazing with Tara, with Willow… you’ve been amazing with everyone Faith, and tonight, this… giving us all this time off.”
I opened my mouth to make it less. To make it no big deal. Her finger still there though, my tongue flicking out just the tiniest of hints… just less than an instant. I saw as her eyes flew to her hand as I dared to risk my small taste. Her pupils widening as she felt the close contact. When she had spoken again her voice was raw, honest. Just emotion.
“And you’ve been amazing to me Faith, past amazing… I just wanted you to know that, to know that I thought that.”
I took her hand into mine and down from my lips, it was hard to speak when all I wanted to do was to taste. “Thank you. I… uh, I’m speechless?”
And I was. How do you answer that? What can you say to that?
“Speechless?”
“Uh-huh.”
I didn’t say a lot. I did feel a lot. I felt as that last solid space of distance was crossed, as her other hand slid down to join me, both locked, both holding tight. I felt the intensity as her face came closer to mine, as her breath fell onto my lips in the second before contact.
And I spooked.
Me of the always confident and sure. Me of the take before it’s given. I had looked into her eyes in that moment and seen everything that I needed to see, everything I wanted to see, and it had scared the absolute crap out of me. Made the world spin in so many ways. My feet stepping back as I tried to gain a foothold, a level of sense. “B…wait…we can’t…”
Her mouth was set on gaping, her eyes losing the battle between desire and pleading.
“…I said we would save the world first, then this… then…”
“Then ‘us’ Faith, I remember.”
“And we can’t.., we can’t just forget about all that…” I had started to pace again, my boots falling heavy on the floor as I stamped out my logic. “…there’s the witches, and Dawn… you can’t forget about Dawn, she’s so pissed at you.”
She was sat against the sink humouring me. Seriously. A grin in place upon her lips as I argued the case of world savage. “And not just that, we have the prophesy shit to get into, that always needs a clear head… and , and… don’t forget Anya!”
It sounded like I was making a proclamation. I don’t have a clue what I was doing. I hadn’t spoken such crap all in one sentence in ages. None of it making the grin lessen. Her amusement pass. “Anya..? We can’t kiss because of Anya?”
Yeah it sounded ridiculous. It was. “With the wedding B… the game plan?” It didn’t stop me from defending my corner though… from going for more of the ridiculous. “Imagine if she knew we weren’t a hundred percent focused..?”
“She’d be devastated… really, you’re right.” Her words saying one thing as she came steadily closer. And was my heart really supposed to beat that fast? Was it safe? Not just pounding louder, but threatening to crack open my chest cavity. In that moment I had felt desperate. Desperate for her, desperate to stay away from her. Had made a final case in my argument. A good case. A really fucking bad case.
I knew as soon as I said it, that it broke all of my rules. Pushing my own self towards that exit door faster than I could ever have wanted. “What about Spike? We still have to deal with the Spike thing.”
I don’t know if it was my words, or if it was the permanent sneer that sits on my face whenever his name crosses my mind. Falls from my mouth coated in venom. Either way she stopped. Looked at me as if I’d just sucker punched her straight in the guts. It felt like I had.
“Right, Spike!… You’re right.” And her tone hit every business note that I’d just been desperate for her to hit. I hated it. I didn’t mean it. Not now. Not here. “I guess I forgot…”
And I wish it had stayed that way. “It’s cool B, I’m just saying… with everything going on, it’s probably best not to…”
“Yes! Definitely of the bad, really… we should just…”
“Go back to the others… get our drinks.”
“I am feeling thirsty.”
“Yeah… thirsty.”
But neither of us was moving, I couldn’t… it just didn’t seem over. As if everything inside was telling me to stay in this moment. As if it was telling her the same. That vampires didn’t exist in here. Nothing existed beyond the ‘us’.
“Faith.”
I looked up into her eyes, pooling green, pouring into me. Urged her to continue, my own gaze pleading with her to find the right words. To make this ok. Just for now. Just this moment. And she did. Stepping into my space with a soft smile on her lips, sparkling under cheap lighting as she gave me the words that I wanted to hear. Needed to hear. Found me a solution. Reminded me of the game plan. “That over there Faith? What do ya see?”
“I see a door B.” And I gave her the smile that let her continue. Such wise words. The words of a master.
“Well outside that door is all of the bad stuff, nasty stuff… the kind of stuff that keeps me awake at night.”
“Me too.”
“Keeps BOTH of us awake at night…”
I shot her a wink, she was doing real well. “…but inside here Faith, we can forget about the bad stuff, just for a minute… just for a moment. In here it’s just the good stuff…” She had slid far enough into my space for me to reach out and touch her. To find her hip with my hand. Sitting so snugly. It made her breath hitch on the last of her words, made her lips quiver. “…the good times.”
I was all about them. We deserved them.
I have never touched anything so tenderly than the way that I touched her right then. Not a challenge or a promise, just the way that I felt. I stopped fighting it. Allowed it to be. My spare hand rose up to slide into hair, my other tightening on her hip to pull her in closer, to meet me in the middle. Sliding finger tips across the small of her back, as I slid my tongue across the expanse of her lips. Teasing them open, showing her the way. I felt her seconds hesitance, maybe wondering if it really was okay, if we could really just let this be. And it made me kiss her harder. Made tender just a memory in the back of my mind as I urged her back against the door, something solid to push against. To push her against. My mouth was consumed with the feel of her tongue inside of me, tasting me, claiming me… everything I had wanted and then some. Her own hands finding purchase on my skin, dragging me so far into her that I knew I would never get out. Would never want to. Wanted more.
It was so fucking easy to just let my hand fall blindly against the curve of her ass, to test the smoothness that I could feel through the tightness of her jeans. Straining out, calling to me. I wrapped my grasp around her leg, forced it up and around me, my kisses more fierce as I felt our centres make contact. The roughness of seams causing friction that aches. That burns. I felt the flood in my panties as I pushed in harder against her, as she matched every beat of my urgency, every push of my hips, her own hand sliding down to cup my ass, pulling me ever more close, as close as we could get. It was fucking crazy, so fucking intense.
My mouth left hers as I found myself soaring. Hid itself against that smooth base of neck, finally able to whisper my words there… to strangle out the sounds rough with hoarseness and desire. “I want you Buffy…”
Losing it again as I sucked hard against her pulse, felt it beating beneath my lips, the heat of the blood that rushed through her veins. I could barely hold on as her voice rang heavy through my ears, the rhythm of her frantic breathing stopping to accentuate words. Words of HER wants, of HER needs. It was driving me fucking insane. Had me looking for an outlet. She bent into my touch as I fixed her other leg around me, lent herself back against the door as my fingers found the way to the base of her top. Sliding up across her navel so taut and tight, up into places I barely remembered as a reflection. But she had never looked this perfect then. Not when I shouldn’t have been looking.
My other hand rested flat, pushing up against her back, something for her to lean against as my searching fingers inched ever upwards to meet the laciness of a bra. It seemed right that she would be in laciness, it made me want to see, to bring her silky top up over her head. To fix my eyes on a place where I was having no trouble finding the fun. I didn’t though. I couldn’t put her down long enough, not even a chance. I placated my mind with a slide of my hand, cupping around her breasts as my mouth again sought hers, each suck she made on my tongue growing harder as I twirled a rock solid nipple within the grasp of my fingertips. Brought them up through lace to graze rough against my palm, the only thing as hard as the push of my hips.
It all made me so unaware of all of the thumping, lost in the belief that only we existed, only this existed. Pretending that it was my heart, not the steady increase of hands against the door, others demanding entry, no way as important as the entry that I was demanding. I kissed her harder to lose it, this was OUR door, no one else’s to open, to break this moment. The hands pulling me into her demanded the same. Knew the consequence of stopping, of letting the world come crashing back. Her mouth tore away from mine as the roughness of seam against seam became ever more insistent, as my hands became harder in the places they stayed. One hand to her breast, one hand on her back. Just let it be. Just breathe it.
It all heightened the moment, knowing what was waiting for us. All the shit that was waiting for us. Made her say my name as I found her pulse point with lips again, my tongue running rampant across the curve of sweet skin, drinking up her goodness, my mind spinning in the reality. I didn’t even notice as my hand left the lace, as it tore out from under barriers to expose her skin to fresh air. Her top pulling down as I glided the same way, not a moment to even look as my mouth wrapped around the hardness of her nipple, sucking, swirling… drawing it all out of her. My name still breathing out from her lips was taking me over the edges, over all of my edges. I felt her back muscles tighten as I slid harder against her, my last insistence, answered the knock on the door with a knock of our own. Just feeling it.
Her legs in a death grip, my mouth in the same. The last of my senses had raised my hand to her lips, felt her teeth as they bit solidly down across my thumb. I may have yelped. I don’t fucking care. It stopped her from screaming.
I tried to draw breath again as she slowly rode it out. The most fucking intense moment of my whole entire life. I had all of my clothes on, she had all of her clothes on, and I’d never felt more naked with anyone. More open, more honest. Every feeling that I had ever had for her was resting just at the back of my throat, just waiting to be voiced. I did everything I could to find some composure, held my arms as firm as I could as she slid herself down, her feet touching ground again… unsteady but not unsure. The satisfied smile that crossed her lips in the instant before she spoke was the surest thing that I had ever seen.
“I think I just found the fun.”
And damn, I just put my head to her head and laughed out my feelings instead. She had spoken the words with such innocent bemusement, an innocence I would’ve bet that she didn’t possess anymore… an innocence I didn’t think I would ever be able to feel. “As a game plan it was good.”
“Gooder than good.”
“Great?”
“Just kiss me again Faith.” And there was no more innocence left anywhere in that tone. There was hunger, hunger for more. A hunger that I couldn’t refuse. Didn’t refuse. My lips wrapped around hers again without need for more invitation, her mouth sliding open, her tongue duelling against mine. Hands back to asses, seams back to seams.
So fucking painful. I just wanted her, I god damn, straight out, needed her. My body demanded it, my mind demanded it. And my heart absolutely demanded it. The fuckers outside the door to our existence though, they demanded a whole lot different.
“LADIES! OPEN UP! NOW!”
And that had sounded like one hell of a pissed butch dyke, waiting on taking a whiz. What was there to do, other than laugh right? There was no way I was opening this door with tears in my eyes. I could take the pain. It came out more a high pitched chuckle, B’s eyes locking with mine in complete understanding. Her own laugh finding form too.
And it’s messed up when the world comes crashing back. When you look around the room where you just gave everything up, and only see the starkness of a restroom. The peeling paint, the cracks in the mirrors. It distorts the reflection, makes it seem less real. Makes you wonder how you ever came to have Buffy Summers still standing, breathing heavy in your arms. How you could ever have the slickness of her skin finding the heat against your own. “You think we should open the door?”
And her eyes flying too. Catching all of those cracks, the refractions of light. “Oh my god.”
Like her soft little mantra. I had to agree. What the fuck were we doing? This was never my game plan, I was sure it wasn’t hers. “That was… intense.., right?”
She did a highpitched insanity sound. Confirmed it with her words. “That was insane.”
And I kept on agreeing. I agreed until I thought my sides would split, until we had to hold each other upright to stop from falling over in the ridiculousness of it all. Our mistake was moving away from the door. Allowing the big butch security guard who was all sorts of man to come crashing through to find us. The pissed gaze just making it harder to stop laughing. It was sobering to see the Scoobs though. Made us both try our hardest at standing. At appearing ready for chastisment.
Oh, if only they knew. Which of course most of them did.
“Faith.” And it was Cordy who hit ice cold. Freezing fucking cold. Was there anything other than shrugging my shoulders?
“I needed to pee Cor… I’m sorry alright?”
“And the Buffster was helping you?”
I had winced at Xander’s quickly falling sense of ignorance. As Anya punched hard in the arm, shocking the truth into him. “OH!”
Oh indeed. “If you were doing what half of this club assumes that you were doing…” I looked around, and there were a few spectators. A whole queue of desperate chicks all needing to pee. Shooting me death glares, not one of them as fierce as Cordy’s. “…what I KNOW you were doing, I’m not impressed Faith.”
Would it have been wrong to say that I had been? Had just been all sorts of impressed?
I didn’t act the jerk though, I tried placating. Tried softening a scene which I didn’t need the world watching. “Cordy, can we just leave it for now… please?”
“Oh I don’t know Faith… it just seems so much more fun to torment you!”
“Oh god.” And the mantra was back from the girl at my side, my hysterical chuckles returning with gusto.
“We heard that phrase a minute ago Buffy, and ya know… for a second? I was worried you guys were killing each other, then I remembered that we were over that now… kinda makes me wonder…”
“Wills, please. Stop!”
The guy with ‘security’ emblazoned across his chest was less with the fun times. More with the, ‘You ladies have caused enough of a disturbance for tonight, both of you out, now!”
And we marched that messed up walk of shame. Back to the sofas, picking up coats, not picking up gazes. Giles the sitting stalwart, not even commenting on the fact of the matters. I guessed his English knickers were all up in a twist. My American ones were twisted all over the place.
Real sobriety came with Dawn though. The bubble threatening to burst in that instant. The hurt in her gaze which was all for me. And yes. I felt that moment of oh so fucking guilty. I came here for this kid, and now I was hooking up with her sister in the bathrooms of The Bronze. Hardly the right thing to do. Not something to laugh about. It stopped me cold. Tara’s understanding smile doing nothing to ease my conscience.
I sat down next to Dawn, tried to pretend that she wasn’t inching away from me, ducking her head as I ruffled at her hair. “Hey kid.”
“My name’s Dawn. You remember?”
And yes I felt that. All the way through. Understood it. “Hey, look at me.”
“Leave me alone.”
“Dawn?” I placed my fingers to her head, turned her around, sighed at the sight of the pain on her face. “Look I’m sorry, that was really dumb of me… I didn’t think.” She looked so defiant, so angry. “It had nothing to do with you okay? Anything between me and your sister is nothing to do with you and me.”
The whole of the gang were hanging onto each of my words. It was all kinda crazy in itself. As if they believed in the things that I said. And it certainly didn’t make me feel comfortable, baring myself. Opening up to an audience.
“I thought that you came here for me.”
“Hey, you KNOW that I did.”
“And you just…what? You ‘accidentally’ fell for my sister? For Buffy? No matter what she’s done?”
“That’s more truth there than you know kid.”
She didn’t argue my choice of name this time, just looked down at the floor. Refused to meet my eyes. “I promise ya Dawn, when I came here it was all about you. I would never have come back otherwise.” I looked at all of the others, looked at Buffy. “I mean it.”
“That guard is still ogling us, if we plan on leaving without the beating we should probably start moving about now…”
Xander’s words brought it back into focus. Tara being the one that stayed at Dawn’s side. All of us marching steadfastly to the door marked ‘exit’. I hung back for a moment, maybe one breath more. She was right at my side and she did just the same.
“Are you ready for this B?”
“Am I allowed to say no?”
I chuckled, no joy. “Afraid not.”
“Right, of course not. Duty always calls.”
“Loud and clear.”
All the things holding me back were all the reasons that I needed to step forwards. Both of our reasons. I didn’t expect her hand to slip down to mine. Didn’t expect the fingers to curl and wrap soft against my own. I know that I smiled at that. Not hysterically, just contentedly. When we had first walked through those doors I had wanted to find some fun. Wanted everyone to have a moments break. Some rest and recoup before the bad shit hit. I thought I could bring the gang closer again, that I could help build the bridges there. I had never ever imagined that I would be facing the real world again with my hand held so firmly in Buffy’s . I didn’t feel the chill as we hit the darkness of night. Felt a little in Dawn’s gaze, but nothing that told me I couldn’t repair it. And I didn’t stumble as B’s hand left mine to go seek out her sister… nope. I just gave her a smile and waited on a return. Whenever that was. Whenever the world faded again.
My step was matched by the witches and Cordy. Anya and Giles filling the rear with shop talk. Xander still lost in the daze he had found outside of the restroom. I didn’t say anything, I had nothing to say.
“Are we heading back to Buffy’s or do you wanna head straight home, fit in a patrol?”
“Uh..?” I shrugged out my lack of knowledge to Cordy. How did I know what Buffy wanted me to do? I knew what I wanted. Where I wanted.
“Of course you’ll come back to ours Faith!”
“I will?” The red head was full of smirks, still clinging to the last of that fun that we had found.
“Oh yeah! You can’t possibly have shown Buffy the whole of the alphabet yet, you were only in there… what? 20 minutes? Half an hour?”
“26 minutes, I was counting.”
“Sweet Cordy.”
“Not as sweet as your face when the bouncer swung open the door.”
It had them all amusing themselves with the memory. I found my eyes fixing on the place that wasn’t amused. On the sisters up front. “Dawn’s pretty pissed though, huh?”
“She’s just shocked… it’s been a tough couple of days for her. You should talk to her. Straighten it out.”
“I will do Tara, we really didn’t mean… you know?”
“To go panty wrangling in the bathroom?”
“Hey! No panties were wrangled!”
It was a weak argument, but it was the truth. All that fun and not a panty removed. I wasn’t sure if I should smile or sob. Settled on the smiling. I think it encouraged all the rest of their banter, remarks which they all found to laugh at. I swear when Buffy had headed off to Dawn I had thought that she was being all sisterly and responsible. Now I wonder if she wasn’t just being damn clever. Avoiding the barrage of all the teasing remarks. It was a good job I had a tough skin, a lesser girl may have been reduced to her knees. It was unrelenting. Especially Willow. Maybe she needed the laughs the most, felt the bad stuff the closest. I was almost happy to be able give them. To let her have her fun.
“We have a whole lotta food back at ours Faith… that’s gotta sway ya?”
“Food?”
“Well you took care of one half of the H’s, you must be hitting on starving…”
And I laughed right along with her because I knew that she was right. I WAS fucking starving. Not released from the other H. Not a chance. Still aware of Buffy’s every move, the rise and fall of her feet, the curve of her ass. The small of her back just peeking out from that soft silky top. I swear I could still feel my handprint there. Holding her up. Holding her firm. I sighed all the way home. Silently sighing. I stayed behind to let them go in first, knowing that she would come back to me. I just knew it.
“You not coming in Faith?”
“Apparently I have to, I need to teach you the alphabet and take care of the hungry.” I threw my look to the door. “Not sure what order, you’ll have to check with Red.”
“They give you a hard time huh?”
And I could only roll my eyes somewhere to the back of my head. It had been taunting at it’s best. The teasing kind. “All that and then some.”
“I’m sorry, I just… with Dawn.”
“Yeah I figured.” This time my sigh wasn’t silent. I didn’t feel like I needed to hide myself so much anymore. “How is she?”
“She’ll be fine, she loves you. It’s just a shock. Another shock”
“This world is full of them.”
I guess the tone in my voice slipped the smile from her lips. I didn’t mean to. I had to. I could feel the badness out here. Watched understanding slip into her eyes as she registered the same.
“I guess the fun times are over.”
“I can feel the bad stuff B, it’s making me itch.”
She stepped closer and I let her. Not to scratch my itch, thoughts flying from there to the thoughts of the now. The world. “You know that we’re gonna beat it all. It doesn’t stand a chance.”
“This is me here Buffy. I know how bad it feels, how big it feels.”
Her sigh was a match for mine as she found my hand again. Silence enough to confirm that she felt it. Understood it. The only other person that could. The sharer of my burdens. “‘We’re gonna save the world and then we’re gonna save ourselves’, you said it Faith, I believe it.”
And I let myself calm in the strength of her presence. In the right words that she knew how to say. “Then I guess I believe you too.”
“You better do!”
“I kinda do.”
“Faith!”
I laughed at the expression that sat on her face. My chuckles fading fast as her gaze only intensified. As she showed me again how hot desire looked upon her. How it made her pulse, made me pulse.
I tried to suck in a breath, a last shout at reason. “We’re not inside that door anymore B… are you sure this is safe?”
“I’m sure this is right.” She shrugged as she leant up and kissed me softly on my lips. “Lets just take it slow...”
And damn right my eyebrows raised! Was she ‘forgetting’ the last hour of existence?
“Ok… slower.” She giggled a touch of nervous laughter. “That back there, in the bathroom..? Kinda wow! All known kinds of ‘wow’… maybe some unknown kinds of ‘wow’ too…”
I nodded my approval.
“…but you were right. We have so much else to think about, to worry about. A whole damn world pressed down upon our shoulders… and me.” Her voice still carried a slither of the distaste. Disbelief. “I have so much to make up for… I don’t want you to think I forget how wrong I was. I don’t expect this to be too easy.”
“It just is what it is B.” I tucked a stray hair back behind her ear. Let my fingertips rest softly against her. “We’ve got so much to fight, there’s always so much to fight… maybe fighting this is just a waste of resources… I don’t… I’m not saying I’ve forgotten, I wish that I had… but damn it… has anything ever felt this right to you before?” I just said what wanted to be said, not thinking thoughts just speaking them. I trusted my instincts. I trusted myself. “I want to be with you Buffy, whether that’s slowly, surely, an inch at a time… I know what I want. I know who I want.”
“And did I tell you that you’re amazing?”
“And didn’t I promise that I’d show ya?”
I broke the moment of heaviness. It wasn’t needed, not right then. We have so much to face, big bads, our bads, a whole fucked up world of bads. And at this moment, in this night, I know that facing it all with her is the best way to go. The only way to go. I won’t promise her slow, I won’t show her fast. I’ll let the world set the pace. Put my trust in us knowing which steps we should take. Which bridges to cross. Let each and every minute show us how to get better.
I had known when I crossed the threshold, back into the house, that it wasn’t an escape. That this door could never shield us from the badness of all of the world. Maybe tonight I had realised that it didn’t really matter… that we could shield each other. It’s what we are here for. The chosen two.
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