I am so fucking tired.
I can't even begin to understand everything that's happened today. It's all so messed up. I swear if I took a vacation for a year I'd still be tired. I'm just trying to keep my eyes open for Red's sake. She looks pretty beat too, and yet she's still doing this for me.
How many weeks ago was I making my first trip with her? Seems like years. So much has happened, so much has changed. Just go to Sunnydale, help with the apocalypse, and get out. Really so simple. So why is it all fucked up? I think it's me. I attract crap. I am a crap magnet.
"Hey, Red? Do you think I'm a `crap magnet'?"
"You what?"
"I think I'm a crap magnet. Everything I do, turns to crap. Must be something wrong with me, right?"
"Don't be silly, Faith, things are a bit... not so good, right now, but don't let it get ya down. Relationships are tough, even the best ones have their bumpy bits."
It's not that I don't believe her, but me and B, we haven't even started a relationship yet, and look at us. If I wasn't so pissed still, I'd probably settle somewhere on sad.
All that `instincts' bullshit, that Ken was saying... I thought that made sense. I thought I was doing the right thing. Telling B, telling her how I felt... just saying it to her... man, that was so good, it felt so right, so like I was supposed to be doing it... and the bathroom, don't even wanna think about that... if I think about that, I'm gonna make Willow turn the car around... and I don't want to. Or maybe I do. I wish someone would tell me what the fuck to do.
"What the fuck do I do, Red?"
"Huh?"
"I don't know what to do. I don't know how to make it better, I don't know how to have a `relationship'... I don't know anything. Not a fucking thing."
She looks like she's giving me a sympathetic look, but her eyes are kinda still on the road too. Just give me answers Red, just give me answers.
"There isn't any easy answer, Faith..."
Great.
"... no quick fix relationship guide..."
"You and Tara seem to have it pretty good, all worked out."
"Hmmm."
"You don't?"
"We have our moments, Faith. Last year... that was all wrong. I really screwed things up then... I think if you had seen that, you wouldn't be saying we had it all worked out."
"The magic stuff?"
"The magic stuff."
"So how `did' you work that out?"
I'd forgotten about that. I just can't imagine Red all juiced up and addicted to anything... and her and Tara not together... doesn't seem possible either.
"It took time. Lots of time. And trust, I had to get her trust back... eventually though? It was love. I love her so much, and I'm lucky she feels the same... but it wasn't easy. It wasn't a foregone thing. I really thought I'd lost her for a while. I was pretty mad at myself."
"Me and B? Seems we cant be in a room together, without something messing up... there's always something going wrong. And what does that mean?"
"Who says it means anything?"
"Gotta mean something Red, everything means something. The First... when it came to me... it said I'd never be with her, that I couldn't give her what she needs..."
"It also said it was gonna kill us all, raise an army... take over the world. I don't see that happening, do you?"
"Fair point."
"You want my opinion? On you and Buffy?"
"Hit me."
Anything that will help me un-fuck my head, would be greatly appreciated.
"You're meant to be together... always were. There's a reason that there's two of you, why there was two slayers..."
"Yeah, cos she died."
"No. Not cos she died... although definitely a factor. I love Buffy... always have, but I see how alone she is, how things affect her. It's not been easy for her... Angel, she loved him, really loved him..."
And don't I remember that. I tried to kill him for it.
"...and he left her. I know there was reasons... but that hurt her Faith. And then Riley..."
"Beefstick."
She giggles. Seems I'm not the only one that thought that then.
"...whatever you call him. He left too, which was a good thing, cos yuck... but it still hurt. Then her mum died, and she's left to look after Dawn... don't get me wrong, we all tried to help... but she was alone. And when she died, and after... she never quite got her spark back. Not until you came home..."
"You're just saying that."
"I don't need to, Faith. It's the truth. Ask anyone. There's just something there... whether you're killing each other, or loving each other... which by the way... communal bathroom...ewww, but there is something there. Something real. You stop each other from being alone. You're meant to be together."
"That's all nice and sweet, Red... but it doesn't tell me what to do."
"So you missed the obvious `be together' insinuation then... cos that's what I was going for."
Be together. So simple. So right. And yet here we are, fucked up.
"So tonight... you think I should just forget that, let her talk to me how the fuck she wants, just so we can `be together'?"
"No. She was wrong, big with the wrongness... but see it from her side. One minute she nearly dies... then you tell her you love her... which I know would've been a huge deal for her, she so has it bad for you..."
That's nice to hear. I've got it so bad for her.
"...and then she hears you're going to LA. And she doesn't even hear it from you..."
"But I tried to tell her, she wouldn't fucking listen, too busy telling me what I can and can't do."
"I already said she was wrong, Faith. Lets try and not repeat, ok?"
"Sorry."
She smiles. Which is cool, cos I kinda felt like she was telling me off. Strange feeling.
"She was scared you were leaving her. Everybody leaves her one way or another, everyone she loves, has loved. Ya gotta understand why she went wacko."
I never said I didn't understand. I get it. But she just wouldn't listen... how's that gonna work every time we have a disagreement. We would end up killing each other.
"So what do I do?"
"What do you want to do?"
Sleep. I want to sleep.
"I don't know. Everything... the way I feel, it all says `love her', but `this'... it's just not how I envisioned it would be. I didn't see picket fences, but I saw maybe a bit of happiness... a lot less aggro."
"Things have been crazy, Faith. I mean, just today we saved the world... again. That's a big deal...although the amount of times we've done it? Kinda old hat now. But still... things aren't exactly normal, emotions are running high..."
"Are things ever normal?"
"Maybe not, but more normal? Sometimes."
"I think I just need to chill. Take a few days, sort my shit with Angel... then who knows?"
"But you will come back?"
And that's the question.
"I think so. I don't know. I want to. It feels like home ya know... apart from B, it still feels like home."
"It is home."
"I guess. I just hate my head feeling so fucking screwed up all the time."
We lapse into silence. Just me with my screwed up head. Rewind the day. Just rewind the fucking day.
I wonder how Buffy's gonna feel when she wakes up and I'm gone. Maybe her head is as screwed up as mine. I just wish she could've listened, then I could've explained, and I would be in her bed now. Sleeping.
Tomorrow. Today...all I'm gonna do is sleep.
Buffy's Pov
Oh my god.
That's me, waking up, and... Oh. My. God!
What have I done? Am I the stupidest person on the planet? Let me answer that... YES!
My heart reached for her as soon as I woke, my arms quickly followed. Then my brain caught up. Oh how I hate the brain this morning.
They say that when you die your life flashes before you... well nothing can compare to the flashbacks I just had from yesterday. And I know... I've died. More then once. I got all of it, in glorious Technicolor beauty.
The morning... me taking Faith. The school... saving the world. The rain... Faith loves me. The bathroom... oh yeah, Faith `really' loves me. The bedroom... I am a fucking imbecile.
I see where it all went wrong. The bedroom should have been the icing on the cake. The cream on the gateaux. But I lost it... I really, totally, lost it.
I just... the thought of her leaving. Couldn't cope, wouldn't cope... screwed everything up. I have to laugh when I remember `telling' her she couldn't go. Like she would ever listen to orders from me... how long have I known her? That girl doesn't take orders from anyone, it's not her nature. But I thought... I thought she would see, that she would understand why I was issuing the orders... not because I want to control her, but because I need her. I need her here, with me. Not in fucking LA. And what's the appeal with LA? Is it really that much better then me? I could make a questionnaire... send it to Angel and Faith... they could list the benefits that it has over me, and I could learn.
I bet it's the Hollywood sign... it's so much bigger then me, how can I ever compete?
I'm not gonna think of it as irreparable damage though... nope, no way... I'm gonna get my ass out of bed... and I'm gonna make her pancakes. She seems to love her morning pancakes... then I'm going to apologise. Sincerely. And then I will swear to her that I love her. Because that's what she asked me to do.
And if she doesn't believe me...? I'll spend the rest of my life proving it to her. I'll be like a bad stain she can't wash away, a really nasty grass stain... except less green, and not really nasty... and I'll keep on and on, and possibly on, until she sees. That I. Love. Her.
Half of me feels so crap because of last night, but I also feel so amazingly happy... because she loves me. She told me she loves me. I didn't think she would ever tell me that, not really. I hoped... maybe prayed, that she would... but with all our 'crap', I never truly believed she would. Not like that.
So yes. Pancakes. Lots and lots of pancakes.
And where is she?
I've checked everywhere, I've looked everywhere, I waited the kind of time that maybe she might have been out for... but where is she?
She can't have left already... it's early, and I haven't had the chance to say sorry... she can't have left. Please?
Willow. She will know, she's always `miss early bird'... maybe she saw her, talked to her, knows what the hell is going on.
So where's Willow? If they've been sucked into some portal whilst I was sleeping, then I'm gonna be mighty damn pissed. Portal masters beware... pissed slayer coming through!
"Morning, Buffy"
A-HA!
"Tara... where is everyone?"
"Everyone?"
Hmmm, avoidance of eyes... she knows where the portal is... maybe `she' is the portal master.
"Ya know... Willow, red headed girl, kinda quirky, kinda cute..."
"Oh right."
Is that my answer... do I need to use torture? Maybe I'll fix 'her' the pancakes!
"'Oh right', meaning...?"
"Well, she had to go out."
Do you ever get the feeling that something is afoot, and you're not privy to it? I'm getting that feeling.
"Out where? It's kinda early for morning outings... unless you jog. Is she jogging?"
"Buffy, I think you should sit down."
Why? I like standing. It facilitates pacing. And I'm pacing. Almost jogging.
"Why do I need to sit down, Tara? What's going on?"
"Sit down, I'll fix pancakes, and then we'll talk."
"What's going on?"
Why do I need pancakes? I was going to make `sorry' pancakes...I wonder what kind Tara is making?
"Please sit down?"
Ok. Not liking. Maybe there really is a portal. I'm gonna sit.
"Tara...?"
"Willow went to LA."
"What? Faith was going to LA... why has Willow gone to LA? What the heck `is' it with LA?"
I am confused.
"Faith's gone to LA..., Willow kind of took Faith to LA."
Thank god I'm sitting down.
"You wanna run that by me again... I could of sworn you said that `Willow took Faith to LA'. Now I know that can't be right... cos Wills wouldn't do that, not without telling me. And why would she take Faith to LA anyway? Help me out here Tara?"
"Well, uh, Faith was upset, and she asked if Willow would take her... and she said yes."
"And this happened when? And I wasn't told, why?"
"Buffy... it wasn't a case of telling you. Faith was hurting, and she asked. Willow had to take her, if she hadn't... I would have."
"Huh?"
I think I may have woken up in an alternative reality.
"We heard the fight... last night. She wanted to leave, she needed space... so Willow took her."
"Last night?"
"Yes."
This can't be happening. Please don't let this be happening.
"But... I was going to say sorry. I was going to make it right... I was gonna make pancakes."
"You were gonna make it right by making pancakes?"
"It was a start... there would've been much grovelling, and apologising... possibly servitude. I don't believe this..."
"You can still make it right, Buffy."
I can?
"But she's in LA... I'm thinking the pancakes won't taste so good time they get there."
"Maybe you should forget the pancakes. I don't think Faith is that concerned with pancakes."
"What do I do?"
"I can't answer that Buffy. That's kinda one of those one's you have to work out for yourself."
"When is she coming home?"
Please tell me she's coming home.
"Uh... I don't know. Willow is gonna be home later. She was going to sleep for a bit, then she's coming home."
"And Faith?"
I can tell by the look. I can see she doesn't have the words I want to hear.
"I don't know, Buffy. She needs space, she needs time."
"But I `need' her."
And I do. I need her so much, that any second now...? I am going to be crying my heart out.
"That's good. That's something you need to tell her... cos the things you said to her last night... they weren't good things."
"You heard it all?"
"Thin walls."
"Right."
I feel like I've just been punched. This can't be happening... but it is, and it's all my fault. I am such a fucking dope.
The tears are there. Pushing their way out. Forcing their way out. And I don't have the heart to stop them... my heart is somewhere on the floor. I put it there. Me and my fucking stupid mouth.
Tara is there. Trying to scoop it up. But it doesn't want her. She can't fix it.
"Hey sweetie, come on... it's not all bad. You can talk to her... tell her you're sorry."
"She obviously doesn't want to talk to me... does she? If she wanted that, she would be here. And she isn't here. She's in LA."
"She needed the space... I think she was worried things would just get worse if she stayed... that you would fight more. You have to understand, Buffy... what you said to her, it hurt. The things she said to you..."
"I don't care what she said to me... I deserve what she said to me."
"Neither of you deserved any of it. That's the point... I don't think she wanted to hurt you, to say things to you she didn't mean. So she left."
"Oh god, what have I done?"
I need to scream. I need to punch and kick and scream until this pain stops. I can not take this pain.
"It'll be ok, Buffy. Just give her the time she needs, she'll see. You love each other, that's what's important here."
"And if I've fucked it? If it's too late for that. God, Tara... do you know how much it took for her to tell me she loves me... and I threw it back at her. I stamped all over it. What if that's it. What if she sees that loving me isn't worth it?"
"Do you really believe that?"
Do I? Maybe. I'm not so big on the loving myself right now. I don't see why she would be. In fact? Self loathing... I think I might just own that phrase.
"I don't know Tara. I just need to make it better, and I don't know how."
"Talk to Willow when she gets home. She's been with Faith... maybe she can help?"
And maybe she can't. Maybe no one can.
"Do you think I should go to her?"
"To LA?"
"Yeah."
"I think you should give her the space she wants. When she's ready... then you can go to her."
"Tara... I think I really hate myself."
And now I really cry. All of it. Everything. The absolute stupidity of me.
Tara holds me. Of course she does. But I know, and she knows, that these aren't the arms that will make it better. Hers aren't the words to soothe my pain.
I need Faith. I really fucking need Faith.
Willow's Pov
Not looking forward to this. Nope. Not even a little, less then that.
I know Buffy is waiting for me. If I tried to count the number of missed calls I've had from her whilst I was driving...? I don't think even I can count that high. I'm hoping Tara managed to keep her calm. Less likely to kill me... cos that is still scaring me a little. Or a lot.
She's in her room. Dawn said she's been there since this morning. Probably stretching her limbs out ready for a good beating. In between hitting repeat dial on the phone.
Ok. Knocking on door. Ready to duck and cover.
"Go away!"
"Uh... Buff... it's me. Willow. You want me to..."
And the door is open, and she is there, and now she's in my arms, and goddess, she looks broken.
"Hey Buff... come on, hey I've got ya..."
This is not good. A beating I was ready for. Broken Buffy... not liking, not liking one little bit.
I take her to the bed and sit down. I want this to stop. It hurts to see her in pain.
"It's ok Buffy... it's all gonna be ok."
And she looks at me with so much hope in her eyes.
"It's gonna be ok? Please tell me she's coming home, Willow."
"Hey, of course she's coming home you big dope. Ya think she could stay away from you?"
"I would."
"Well then, I'd say it's a darn good job she's not you."
"When, Wills? When is she coming back?"
And there we have a slightly harder question.
"I don't know... but she said she would call... when she's ready."
"Oh."
"She just needs space, Buff... she was kind of hurting a lot last night, what you said to her... that stuff isn't easy to hear."
I know this is gonna add to the hurt, but she needs to hear it. The way she spoke... so out of line, very far over the line... line barely still visible kind of over it.
"You think I don't know that? You think I haven't been sat here all day, wishing I could go back and change things? But Will... she was leaving me. I couldn't stand it, not her leaving."
And now I get to deliver the punch line...
"She wasn't leaving."
"What? She was... she was leaving for LA. That was what started the crap."
Look at that slightly confused look she's wearing... oh Buffy, Buffy, Buffy. So very silly.
"Nope. She wasn't leaving. She couldn't leave you. She was going to go and see Angel... tell him about you... and then she was coming back. She wasn't leaving you, Buffy."
"Oh shit! Fucking, fucking shit..."
Uh-huh.
"...am I the worlds biggest idiot or what?"
"Maybe not the biggest... but I would say ya maybe come a close second. You should've listened to her Buff... given her the chance to explain."
"My god... shoot me?"
"Would mess up the carpet."
"Smother me?"
"Hey, come on... ya think Faith's gonna want a cold body to come home to?"
"She's really coming back?
I think so. She sounded a lot more positive after some snoozing. Amazing how sleep can always make things seem better.
"She loves you, Buffy. The whole journey... it was all about making it better, making it right. She wants `this'. She wants `you'. She just needs the space to think things through... and ya know...?"
"What?"
"Maybe you should think things through too... cos this whole angst fest you have going on together, it's not good. Not healthy. It kinda takes the fun out of being together."
"Certainly does."
I hope she's listening. Really listening. They need each other, but not like this. Faith needs more... she deserves more, and so does Buffy.
"So you're gonna...?"
"I'm gonna sort myself out, and when Faith's ready to come home... I'm gonna make it right. Make it better. All the things she wants."
"Good girl."
"Good girl? You going all Giles on me?"
"It's the advice thing... it's making me feel aged."
"You're looking a bit worn..."
"And that would be the almost no sleep, saving of the world, followed by a road trip... caused by you! I'm thinking maybe less with the insults."
"Thank you, Wills. For looking after her. I mean it. Thank you."
And to think I was expecting a beating.
"What are best buddies for huh?"
"Fetching of ice cream from freezer... the collecting of spoons?"
The Buffy I know and love.
"Ya mind if I see Tara first... I kinda miss my honey too, I lost valuable snuggle time for you!"
"Bring her with you... we can both snuggle."
She wants to snuggle too? But Tara is my snuggler... exclusively mine.
"Ya not gonna get all frisky are ya, Buffy? Not looking for a repeat of the bathroom? Cos Tara, she's mine. All mine."
She's blushing, she's blushing... this is too fun. Never have I had this power. I like this power... not too much. But I like it!
"The bathroom?"
"Do not even attempt to play coy with me, Miss Summers! We all heard... and when I say all... let me tell ya, poor Xander... he's not gonna be able to look at you for a week."
"Oh... and uh, Giles?"
"Everybody."
"She made me do it!"
That is the lamest defence I have ever heard.
"Funny that Buff... she kinda made it sound like you made her do it!"
"She did? And did she... err, say anything else?"
I am laughing. I am laughing so darn hard. She is so fishing for info... now I could torture her...
"She said your nails were a real nice colour!"
"What? She said that? She said my nails were nice?"
"Uh-huh... and she asked if I ever take `pretend showers'... what is a `pretend shower', Buffy? Cos it sounded `really' good, and I'm thinking... maybe I should try that. Maybe get some `pretend shampoo'... do ya need `pretend shampoo'?"
I gotta stop, I don't wanna stop... but I must. It is cruel to tease. Really cruel.
"You are evil! My best friend is an evil witch."
"And my best friend is a freaky super human, who indulges in imaginary play... quite a pair huh?"
It's good to see her smiling. And I think things are gonna work out.
Maybe not today... but when Faith's ready. I really hope so... I like Faith, and she provides me with the best ammunition for teasing Buffy. And I am evil. Buffy said so... I guess that means I can keep on teasing?
But first... Tara. Then ice cream. Then Buffy.
And it's a shame I'm not really evil... cos Tara, Buffy `and' ice cream...
Now there's an idea.
Pov None.
She had been there for more then a whole day now. Thirty six hours since she had left Sunnydale. Since she had left Buffy. And still she hadn't had the `talk' with Angel.
It had been easy to avoid it the first day, after all, she had not left the comfort of the bed. When she had said she wanted to sleep all day, she had sure as hell meant it. But now was different. Now she was up, and she was bright eyed, and there was no way that Angel wasn't going to want to `talk'.
Being in his apartment, within the building of Wolfram and Hart, that was making her uneasy. These were the people that had wanted her dead. Had sent assassins after her. Heck, these were the people that had paid her to kill Angel. She really didn't understand what the deal was here. Had no idea what would ever make Angel take the helm of `Evil Incorporated'. It just didn't seem `right'.
Her private musings were interrupted by the man himself, smiling as he entered the room, obviously glad to see her up and about.
"Faith, you're up."
"Certainly looks that way, don't it?"
"Right. So... you ready to talk?"
She thought about answering `no', he had made it sound like she had a choice, but really? She knew she didn't. What had to be said, had to be said. End of. She also wanted the lo down on the whole selling out deal `and' she wanted to know why it was so damn imperative that she be here. The world was full of slayers now... he could have his pick.
"`Ready' might not be the word, but yeah... I can do talking."
"Good to hear it. So how was Sunnydale?"
There were so many ways she could answer that question. She hadn't even managed to arrange all the different explanations in her head.
"It was kinda crazy... full of vamps, preachers `and' The First."
Angel just looked at her dead pan. That wasn't what he had been asking, and he was quite sure that Faith knew that. Which meant she was avoiding.
"I know that Faith... I was there just a couple of days ago, met Caleb... remember? Brought the amulet, which helped save the world."
"Right."
"So apart from that, how was Sunnydale?"
"Sunny?"
"Faith."
"Sorry, Angel... just playing with ya. And it was raining when I left."
He didn't say anything to that. He watched her eyes darting around the room, looking for an escape, looking for a way out. It intrigued him what could be bothering her so much. What could be making her want to run.
"It was good. It was good to be back, which I never thought I'd say... the Scoobs were all cool, it was even kind of fun having the potentials... the slayers around. Working with them, teaching them... it felt good. A bit full on, too many girls... but good."
"And Buffy?"
Faith dropped her eyes to the floor. How could she even begin to explain this one?
"Buffy's good. We sorted out some crap... moved past hating."
"You never hated her, Faith."
She `hated' it when he made statements at her. Told her things he shouldn't know. She hated it even more when he was right, which was surprisingly often.
"Whatever. Doesn't matter now does it... we moved past it."
"That's good. The way Buffy held onto her rage towards you, it was never good, never healthy. If she's managed to move on from there, it can only be a positive thing."
"Yeah. Really positive."
Except Buffy still seemed to have quite a lot of rage the last time she had seen her. So not all positive.
"So you're friends then?"
She thought about that. Were they friends? At the moment she didn't know what they were. She knew they loved each other, there was no point denying `that' anymore. They had both spoken the words. More then once.
She had to tell Angel. She sure as hell didn't wanna... but she had to.
"We kinda moved past `friends', as well, Soulboy."
He didn't keel over in the shock she had expected. His eyes didn't widen, he didn't start shaking uncontrollably, steam didn't erupt from his ears. In fact, he didn't look particularly bothered at all. Barely moved.
"I wondered as much."
"Huh? You did?"
"I'm not stupid, Faith. Nor deaf. I heard the way you spoke to each other in the temple. The electricity in the air. The looks you were giving me for kissing her 'hello', I'd have to be really `dead' to miss those pointers."
"Do ya wanna kick my ass?"
"Why would I want that?"
"It's Buffy, man. I `know' the sitch... you and her, from here to eternity..."
Angel shook his head, he couldn't let her go on.
"That just shows you don't know the `sitch'... Buffy and I, that's been finished a long time... and yes, I have regrets... but I moved on, Faith. I could never `be' with Buffy. I left Sunnydale because I knew that... because `we' knew that. Who she chooses to be with... that's her choice, nothing to do with me anymore. Am I shocked it's you?... yes and no."
She felt almost speechless. Angel had moved on from Buffy? She knew herself, that she could `never' move on from Buffy. Never.
"Yes `and' no?"
"Yes. Her previous taste would lead me to think she'd be with someone more... manly."
"What ya telling me, soul boy? You got a problem with that?"
"No! I just didn't expect Buffy to be so... open to experiment."
"Fair point. So what's the `no'?"
He considered this for a moment. Cast his mind back to the times before. The times when they were just girls, just two slayers. So close. So in tune. So `right' for each other.
"Sometimes, Faith... sometimes life can be hard..."
"Tell me something I don't know."
"I was getting there."
"Sorry."
"Sometimes life can be hard... we go through life struggling, never knowing quite what we're here for, where we're going... what we're doing. Everyday a new struggle... a new fight, looking for answers... searching for connections"
"Are we getting anywhere with this?"
She didn't mean to, but really. When he went off on one of his little pep talks, it drove her mad, and she knew that this had all the ingredients to be a full on, gonna take for ever, first class, Angel pep talk.
"You and Buffy have so much between you. So much that no one else can ever comprehend, it's there to see, even when you fight, when you hurt each other. Always a connection. So, no... am I really shocked? Not really."
"Must just be me then."
"What?"
"I was shocked... I mean, man... it's B. Buffy. I thought she'd always wanna kill me, never `love' me. Kinda freaky, huh?"
"It's only as `freaky' as you let it be Faith. Buffy has a good heart, always had have. It was only ever a question of time before she could forgive you... and I guess before she loved you."
"Maybe. Still freaked `me' out. I went there not looking for anything from her... just wanted to do my job and get out again... be a slayer, all the good things in life... but instead, I get love. Crazy town. I always knew it was a crazy town."
"I expect it might be less crazy now that the Hellmouth is out of action."
"Yeah, I guess." She thought a moment, she wanted to move on to the present situation... the problem of her in LA, why she was there, what he wanted from her... and what the hell was the deal with Wolfram and Hart? But first she had to ask again. Just to make sure.
"So, you're cool with this yeah? No pent up rage? Not gonna go all vampy on me for taking your honey?"
"Faith, Buffy is not my `honey'. My friend... I hope so. But not my honey." He thought back to when she was his honey, his girl... `always', but that time was long past... and he `had' moved on.
"And at least you won't lose your soul. That was always a problem in our relationship."
"Right. I'm probably gonna lose my mind... my souls still here though, present and accounted for."
His eyes went wide `now'. He had assumed that they hadn't been together yet. He had been there not two days ago, and he `knew' they hadn't been together then. He would've noticed the scent, he would've smelt them on each other.
"You ah... you and Buffy, you've already..."
"OH! I uh..." she wondered if it was possible to feel more uncomfortable.
"...I, we..."
"Wait. I wasn't asking. You don't have to tell me if you err..."
"Right... over share, yeah?"
"Yes."
They lapsed into silence. Faith felt a lot better now she didn't have the burden of telling him about Buffy hanging over her head. She was pleased he had taken it so well. She had expected a lot worse. But then her expectations of things were never that high.
"So, Soulboy?"
"Yes, Faith?"
"I gotta ask... I've been itching to ask... what the fuck is going on here?"
"Huh?"
"The living with evil shit... I mean come on..." she gestured to the room around her.
"...all this. Penthouse with a view to hell. What's that all about? You sold out on me?"
Now it was Angel's turn to feel uncomfortable. The deal he had made to join Wolfram and Hart, hadn't been easy. In his mind it had been necessary. The only option. For his son, he would probably have done anything... it still made him uncomfortable though. Still made him question which side he had found himself fighting on.
"It's not that simple, Faith. We have an opportunity here... a chance..."
"To dance with the devil?"
"No! We can change things... from the inside. We have resources... weaponry, things you can't even imagine... we can do a lot more good here then we were ever managing to do before."
"I don't like it. The good guys don't sleep with the bad guys... hell, I had to sleep with my eyes open all day yesterday... this place is bugging... definitely not the home of `good'."
"You need to give it a chance, Faith. Talk to the others, listen to what they say... this really is an opportunity for good... to do good."
"You really believe that?"
"I do."
She heard him say it, but she heard the moments pause as well. She didn't buy it. There was no way that Wolfram and Hart were sponsoring the side of good... to do good. It didn't make sense. It made a whole lot less then sense.
"I don't know, Angel. It just doesn't seem... `right'. I wouldn't work for them."
"So you're not going to stay?"
"I don't know." She had so much to think about, so many things to consider. Least of all Buffy. Her and Buffy.
"Things are crazy right now, I need time to think... to work out what I'm doing... where I'm going."
"You can stay here as long as you need to. I'd like you to stay a lot longer, to work with me."
"That means a lot big guy, but I don't know. I can't stay `here'. I hate this place... sorry and all, you may like the fancy smancy apartment... but me? This place is seriously wrong. I keep wondering if something's gonna jump out at me... my slayer senses are buzzing the whole time I'm here... it just feels wrong."
"I can get you somewhere else to stay... somewhere less `buzzing'."
"That would be a good start... but I'm not promising, Angel. I liked being in Sunnydale... and then there's Buffy. I can't just walk away from that... just give me time yeah?"
"Take all the time you need. I'm not pushing you... I just think it would be good for you, to be here... doing what's right. Redemptions a hard path..."
"Whoa! Stop there." She wasn't signing up for the redemption speech again. Had heard it way too many times.
"This isn't about redemption, Angel. I know that's your deal, and I respect that... but you gotta respect me too, I'm not all hung up on the past... what I did, the people I hurt... I live with that. I carry that with me, always... but I'm not gonna stop living, to make amends with the dead. That's not me anymore... crazy psycho girl... I'm a slayer, and that means doing good, doing what's right... because that's who I am. Not to balance the scales... to gain salvation. If I get that as well, I'm happy... if not, so be it. I can't spend my life brooding. Life's too short."
And she meant it. Her life could be a lot shorter then most, and she wouldn't spend it stuck in the past. She would do good, because she was good, not for anything else.
"I do respect you, Faith. But this is harder then you think, the temptations always there to go back to the dark."
"Maybe that's your issue then, because `I'm' not tempted. Occasionally I might wanna `off' some dude for looking at me wrong, but I figure that's human... just cos I think it, don't mean I'm gonna do it. Don't put your temptations on me, Angel... I just don't have them."
He studied the girl in front of him. The woman in front of him. It was hard to believe that this was the same person who had blown into Sunnydale all those years ago, the misguided youth, and pent up rage. She was so sure of herself now. So confident in her beliefs. He couldn't think of an argument to rebuff her claim. Maybe temptation was just his issue.
"So you say. Just don't ever underestimate Faith, the power of the dark side."
"You wanna put your Star Wars toys back in there box, Obi-Wan? I hear what ya saying... I'll take it on board... I ever need a guide to the ways of the light, you'll get my call, but until then?... just leave it out, yeah? The speech is outdated."
"The speech is over."
"That's good... I was getting a little itchy fingered, thought I might have to stake ya ass, to shut ya up!"
"It works better if you go for the heart."
She rolled her eyes at him, the saviour of her soul. She appreciated that he was there for her, had been there for her, but right now? She didn't need him. She was doing ok.
"So you gonna set me up somewhere to stay? I love the hospitality, but I'm ready to leave. As in, now."
"Ever heard of patience, Faith?"
"Over-rated. As I said... life's too short."
"The Hyperion is still there. Will that be ok?"
"Kinda big, just for me. I'd have to have parties... fill the rooms, that gonna be a problem?"
He didn't care if she had a thousand parties. The time she had spent here, after prison, had been good... and he'd like to see her stay around a bit longer. To see for himself that she truly was on the right path. The whole Buffy situation had thrown that into doubt, but then he didn't know how serious that was.
"No problem." He decided to broach the issue again.
"So is Buffy going to be invited to these parties?"
The quick flash of pain that danced across her eyes was there to see. Barely concealed.
"That's kinda why I'm here... to get away from that for a while. And to see you of course!"
"Right. I was quite impressed when you breezed in at three in the morning, when I said to Giles I expected you, I didn't expect you quite so quick." He observed her downcast look.
"But then I'm guessing the rush wasn't to see me. You want to tell me about it?"
"Not really." He may have said he was ok with it, but Faith wasn't keen on relationship counselling from him. Too strange.
"I think this is one for me alone. I just... everything got crazy, real quick... and then more crazy, and before ya know it, everything's fucked up... and I'm just gonna take some time. Get my shit together."
"Like I said, take as long as you need. Harmony can set you up with keys to the hotel, sort you out some cash. And if you need me?... you know where I am."
"Yeah... the evil law firm. Don't expect too many visits."
"You don't have to come here, Faith. I can come to you. Just know that I'm here, whatever happens, whether you choose to stay or not... I'm here for you."
It was nice to hear. It meant a lot. But she was never one for emotional `moments'.
"Ya gonna make me cry in a minute, Soulboy. We finished with the bonding?"
He smiled at her. He knew she wasn't big on opening up, never had been. But he had said it, and she had heard it, and so she knew it. If she needed him, he would be there for her.
"Bonding over. Do you need to get your stuff together?"
"You think I unpacked? Hell no! I'm ready to leave, just point me in the right direction."
"That's what I'm here for."
"You'd make a great traffic cop, learn the hand signals, you'd have everyone going the right way... you ever think about that, as a career option?"
"Funny, Faith."
"I'm all about the humour."
She gathered her bags and left the apartment, pleased to be gone. Walking through the lobby of the building, encountering all the `employees', her senses going into overdrive... it made her sure. This wasn't right. Angel shouldn't be here. She `wouldn't' be here.
She would go to the Hyperion. Relax a little. Take some time.
She couldn't put it off for long though. She had needed sleep, and she had slept. She had needed to talk to Angel, and now that was done. Now she had to think about Buffy, about what she was going to do, how she was going to do it. It was easier to think without her here. She had the time she had wanted in the first place. The time to think without distractions.
She decided she would call Red, tell her the sitch, give her a number to call if needed. Also she wanted to say hi to Kennedy, she had left without even a heads up.
Deciding whether she would talk to Buffy was harder. Maybe a passed on message would be best for now, she certainly didn't want her ass chewed off again, screaming down the phone. Buffy was probably pissed at her for leaving. It might be better not to talk to her until she had decided whether to return, when she would return.
It was hard though. She already missed her. Wanted to see her. Wanted to hold her. It hurt.
But so did the words they had said. And she wouldn't forget them. If they were going to do this, they would do it right.
She had so much to think about, so much to consider.That crazy little thing called love.
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