Somewhere I Belong
Life is made up of several incredible moments. The ones that change you as a person. Moments that come and once you're there you know that you're not the same anymore. And you'll long to go back to the simplicity that was once your life, but you're lost and you're scared and nothing can ever be the same again. These are the moments that change your life. Sometimes for the better, often times for the worst. Pretty dramatic, but then again I always did have a flair for that.
My life has been made up of hundreds of crappy memories, wrong decisions and... her. She was my moment, my shining star and yet, if I had never met her I would have been a whole hell of a lot happier. Sucks to be me. The one that calls to me in my dreams. The one my heart yearns for. And, y'know I'm not big with yearning. Couldn't even have told you what it meant before that night in the club. The night that I met her.
Is it even possible for someone who brings you so much happiness to be the same person who crushes you every time she comes near? Makes you want to laugh and cry at the absurdity of life. Makes you want to scream and roar and bleed and die. Makes everything still, so that the only thing you can hear is your heartbeat and her
heartbeat and everything is perfect with the world.
Except it's not.
But that's okay. Because she's here and I'm here and that's all that matters, right?
If I ever wanted anything in my pathetic existence, it's her. And I don't ask for much. Or anything at all, really. I figure I'm owed... big time. Crappy upbringing. Crappy, crappy job. Crappy life. And I give and I give and I give. Well, you get the picture. So, now I figure it's about time to take what's mine. And she is mine. Just like I'm hers. Except she doesn't know it, yet. But she will...'cause Faith has a plan.
There comes a time in every person's life where they just have to say:
'Okay, that's it! This is what I want. And I'm taking it. Try and stop me, Suckers.'
'Cause obviously my subtle approach is lost on a certain blonde slayer. I'll just have to be more forthcoming. And they think I'm not that bright. I think if I had hired one of those planes with the sky writing stuff and written Marry Me Buffy Summers across the skyline, she would just smile and nod and everything would go back to normal. Not that I want to marry her or anything or even really love her. I think maybe I could or maybe I do, who knows? What is love, anyway? Butterflies in the stomach, stars in the eyes, the absolute knowledge that the person standing next to you is The One? Do I feel any of that stuff around her?
Do I want her?
Not even just as a get in her pants thing, either. Or those cute little skirts that she wears. I want to consume her. I want her to feel me in every pore in her hot little body. I want her to stay awake every night with my face etched upon her mind. Burnt right in there so that it can never be erased. I want her to see me in everything she does, every breath she takes, every beat of her heart. I want her to want me too. And is that so much to ask? No, right? That's what I thought, as well.
So, I'm standing outside the Sunnydale High library. I can see her in there with her little geek pals laughing about something I'm sure is absolutely fuckin' hilarious. Actually, her friends aren't so bad. Once you get past the extreme nerd factor that just screams: 'Please, beat me up.' They can be okay. You just gotta filter half of what they say to get to the point of what the hell they're talking about. Works for me considering I don't really listen to the conversation anyway. I got my priorities. My other slayer half is definitely numero uno. So, I mostly just spend all of my time watching her. Not even real subtle like either. Wonder what she thinks about that. 'Cause I'll be staring at her and sometimes she'll turn around and catch me. I just hold eye contact for a real long time and eventually she'll smile and go back to whatever she was doing in the first place.
She has a real nice smile. Pretty.
Sometimes, I gotta pay attention though. 'Cause demons, hellmouth: The whole point of why I'm even in this crappy town in the first place. Mostly they go on and on and on. Finally, they'll get to the How to kill portion of the segment and that's all I really gotta know. Takes them a long time to get there, though. A lot of big words from the Watchers, a lot of jokes from the Zeppo, a lot of babbling from the Witch and a whole hell of a lot of me staring at B. Plus the Prom Queen and the Wolf. We make a nifty little group of misfits.
I'm still standing outside the library, watching her. Makes you wonder when anyone can just wander around the school like that. Not that I'm complaining too much, makes my job easier. But, then again, I could easily pass for a student. Wes, on the other hand, he's a different story. This school is like a paedophile's dream.
Okay, quick appearance check. A lot of leather, a lot of skin. Lookin' good, feelin' good. All systems are go. I walk in and the smile she gives me takes my breath away. But, only for a moment, 'cause I'm not lame like that.
I got my cocky swagger down. You know the one that makes the guys tight in the pants. Just check Xander out.
I still got it.
I jump into the seat next to B. Literally. 'Cause sitting normally is for losers. Plus, Buffy's still watching me, gotta make an impression. I flash a quick smile to the others. Don't wanna be rude or nothin'.
Xander's still kinda squirming in his seat. I used him as a cure once for my after slayage affliction. The boy thinks we're married now or something. He is kinda cute though. I mean no matter how hot I am I don't give it up to just anyone. I got my pride... mostly.
Red hates me, despises me. It's a 'choose a negative word and insert after my name' type of deal. I figure it all comes down to who has it and who doesn't. I got it and she... well, we can't all be lucky, right? Willow's the President of the Anti-Faith fan club. I think she's the only member though. Maybe Oz is there by association. He's not so bad. A little monosyllabic, but I think Red talks enough for the both of them. Definitely not a conversation-lacking relationship.
The Watchers' are standing in the corner. Probably experiencing orgasmic pleasure over the monster-of-the-week. Now, Giles, he isn't too bad. I got some respect for the guy. I'm even polite to him, most of the time. At least until he pisses me off. But, Wesley, you just gotta think Dude, where do they find people like you? Is there some kind of Losers 'R Us place where you all gather and hold weekly meetings about who has the biggest stick up their ass. Sometimes, I think B belongs there, too.
Cordelia is using her Prom Queen Death-glare. I heard it stops traffic. It's a toss up between Xander and I as to who's getting the brunt of it. I think he wins. Hey, I can't help it if guys like the package. It's not like I even try to be this hot. It's all natural, baby. A shame it doesn't work on the one person who it should work on.
Which brings me to Buffy Summers. Slayer extraordinaire. All blonde-haired perfection. If I was a guy... Well, let's just say things wouldn't be too comfortable down there right about now. I'd have to buy a huge notebook or something to cover my extreme arousal whenever she looks my way. People would be all 'Dude, what's with the notebook?' and I'd be all 'Buffy Summers looked at me. So, now I got a huge boner.' Then again, If I were a guy it would eliminate fifty percent of my problem.
The other fifty percent? One well-built broodmeister with an affinity for hair-care products. A two hundred and something year old vampire that makes my staking arm twitch every time he looks my way. I read in some magazine that being a pile of dust is in this year. I should help him out with that. It's the nice thing to do. And I am a Good Samaritan. I would have made a good-looking Girl Scout. Well, I would help him out, if not for the fact that I'd be dead seconds after he hit the ground. Who am I to stand in the way of true love? ... I'm Faith.
Buffy's still looking at me, head tilted slightly to the side, cute little half smile. Makes me hot. I give her an acknowledging nod and my own 'I'd fuck you ten ways from Sunday, if you'd let me' smile.
"Yo, What's up?" So, I'm not that deep. Sue me.
"Nothin'. What's up with you?" She bumps my shoulder with her own. What the hell is that? Now, if that wasn't an invitation I don't know what is. Seems Red feels the same way 'cause her glare has just upped it's way to Cordelia-esque.
"The usual." I give her my cheeky grin. Just so that we're all clear on exactly what I'm talking about. It's always good to get her thinking about me and sex. Preferably at the same time. Plant the idea in her mind. See where that takes us. Most of the time she either chooses to ignore it or she just plain doesn't get it. I haven't decided yet.
Then, while she's still considering me and sweaty nakedness I lean over slowly. Not that I have that far to go 'cause I made sure we were sitting real close in the first place. I trail my hand slowly down her neck, not even touching her skin and pick an imaginary piece of lint off of her shoulder. I brush it off real gentle like with my thumb. Rubbing in tiny circles and very slowly removing my hand. I barely stop myself from jumping her right then and there.
What I can't stop is the 'I wanna take you hard and fast, now' look that comes over my face. I wear that look a lot when I'm around her. I don't think she knows what it means... yet. Now, that was meant to get her to start thinking about me in an other than platonic fashion. Instead it made me hot. I mean that was her shoulder. Should touching shoulders with hands be allowed to make people feel like this?
There's a 'thanks, Buddy' smile involved in there somewhere.
I am going to scream.
Looks like I'm not the only one. Red knows what I'm up to. Can see it in her eyes. As much as you can see her eyes when they're all narrowed like that. I swear some type of cartoon smoke is going to start pouring out of her ears any second. That green demon is one ugly mother fucker. Every time B starts with the 'Sorry, Wills. It's a Slayer thing. I gotta go, Faith's waiting.' Willow looks like she's about to burst a blood vessel. I get like that too, but only 'cause I'm trying not to laugh my ass off. Damn funny stuff.
Poor, poor deluded Buffy. She just doesn't get it. I get it. There's about a hundred silent conversations going on right now in this library. And she is oblivious to each and every one of them. I'm actually kinda glad that she's so lost means that I get away with a hell of a lot more. More than I would if she was on the ball. Not that she's retarded or anything. She's really smart and one hell of a fighter. She's innocent, pure, too good for the silent pettiness that is going on around her. Maybe that's why she can't see. She's too good for stuff like that. Red's not too good. She's the cause of half of the tension in this room. Can feel it rolling off her in waves. I love that I can get to people like this.
Xander's tension is of a completely different kind. Yeah, baby. I rocked your world. Hope you got a real good memory, 'cause that'll never happen again.
"Faith?" I love the way that she says my name. I wanna hear her scream it out, so that everyone knows who's making her feel good. And it won't be that Dust Bunny that's for sure. She's gotta be the world champion in getting herself off. All that after slayage energy has gotta go somewhere, right? And I know from personal experience that yoghurt is not the way to go. She made me come back to hers one night to try it. All it did was confirm what I already knew. And made me toss and turn all night. All worked up with no place to go.
"Faith?" Yeah, I could make you feel so good, baby. You're gonna give it all up to me. One way or another. I'll have you screaming and crying and begging me to stop. And then I'll take you over the edge again. Just a little bit more and you'll have trouble walking for the next week. But it'll be worth it. And when it's over you'll start shaking and won't be able to stop. You won't be able to form a coherent sentence, but it's okay because I'll understand what you mean. And I'll bring you down gently.
"Faith?!" And then in the morning you'll realise where you are and who you're with. And you'll regret it and feel guilty for letting me give you what no one else can. And you'll avoid me for a little while. Not too long, of course. When you can't sleep because thoughts of me are planted firmly in your mind. Sweaty, naked, dominating you, making you feel like no one else has ever...
"What!?!" Decibel levels have just reached a new high. She's laughing now. Glad to see that she finds my busted eardrums so fucking funny. She waves a hand in front of my face, just to make sure that I'm paying attention. You know what? I changed my mind. I don't want her screaming out my name. 'Cause my poor ears just can't take it. That girl has some voice on her. Maybe I'll get her moaning my name into my ear. Yeah, I'd like that.
"Where'd you go?" She giggles. She's just too damn cute. Where did I go? I went to the place I'm gonna be taking you soon enough, B. And you're gonna love every second of it.
"Nowhere." I give her my 'so, not impressed' face. She's seen it before. She knows what it means. "Was there a reason that I'm suddenly deaf? 'Cause if I can't hear 'em coming it's gonna seriously screw up my slaying abilities. Then you'll have to slay all alone, sad and friendless and you'll regret screaming directly in my ear."
"Maybe if you paid more attention to me," She pouts and my heart starts doing double time. Damn her manipulative, conniving ways. "Then I wouldn't have to scream just to get you to look at me."
I sigh dramatically. "I apologise for my severe lack of attention, Ms Summers. You should know that you are the centre of my universe. Without you my world does not turn. I am simply kicking myself for not lavishing you with the attentiveness that you deserve."
You know what? The scary part of it is, despite the complete lameness of that and the even lamer English accent I tried for, my world really does revolve around her. And I hate myself for it. I even hate her for it. Just a little bit. But then she gives me that bright smile again. Okay, all is forgiven.
"I'm sorry for screaming at you." And she really does sound sorry.
"'S ok." I mumble, looking away. There's only so much I can take of looking directly at her. Like the sun. Bright and beautiful, but stare at it too long and you're blinded. Most times I don't care. Sometimes, though, I just want to cry. Not that I would. I think the last time I cried was when I was six. I saw a car hit a stray dog. Don't even want to think about what happened when my step dad saw me crying. Although maybe I should thank the asshole, haven't cried since. She leans over to kiss my cheek.
Wow, that's new.
Red's glare power is working over time. Sneaking quick looks at us while pretending to be completely enamoured by Dog Boy. Even B looks surprised by what she just did. Me? I raise an eyebrow in my usual trademark fashion.
"What was that for?"
"Looked like you needed it." She shrugs.
"Oh... Thanks." And then I do something that surprises the both of us: I return the gesture. All the while wishing that I could move my lips just an inch to the left and down a little.
"What was that for?" She places her palm across her face, touching the place where my lips once were.
Yeah. I got plans for ya, B.
"Just felt like it, is all." I shrug.
"Oh." Now, she's got the hugest grin on her face. "So, anyway. I was going to ask you a question before when you were looking all spazzed out. Wanna go patrol tonight? Keep the big nasties of the world a dirty little secret."
Spazzed out? My fist is just itching to meet her face. It's a good thing she's Buffy. Otherwise, she'd be on the floor crying, by now. Instead I just raise an eyebrow. I can overlook certain things when it comes to her. Not too many things, but she got a free pass with that one.
"Uh... yeah, actually. Since we already decided that last night. You know, you said 'Hey, Faith, wanna go patrol together tomorrow?' and I said ''Kay.' And then you said 'Cool.'" And she thinks I'm spazzed out?
"Oh...right." She blushes the cutest shade of red. "Just checking... Come over tonight for dinner at seven and we can go after?"
"Sounds great, B." And y'know I tried to hold it in. I really did. But my smirk came out in full force when Willow started fuming. "You okay over there, Red? You're looking a little flushed."
Which of course makes everyone in the library stop what they're doing and turn around to look at her. She glares at me for a moment. Just a split second. God forbid anyone thinks sweet 'lil Willow has a facial expression that isn't all pureness and light. Actually, she's okay. A bit uptight. I just love seeing her face when she's pissed off. It's all about Buffy. Buffy and who gets to spend the most time with her. A silent challenge that we set up amongst ourselves. Never openly addressed and the competition is wicked fierce. Try beating the best friend stakes. I'd put money on Red. But at the moment I'm winning... and I'm loving it. Can't say the same for Willow. What can I say? It's a Slayer thing.
"Fine, Faith. Thank you for your concern." Then, she turns back to her boyfriend. But she's still watching us. Keeping this in mind I rest my hand lightly on B's shoulder, never taking my eyes off the Witch.
"Thought you'd never ask." B jumps up, holding out her hand to help me. Who am I to refuse a little bodily contact? Even though I have actually mastered the skill of standing, all by myself and everything. Mom would be so proud.
We clear a space in the middle of the library. Everyone backs up, moving the table out of the way. Giles and Wesley stop their oh, so interesting talk to observe the show. Finally, we're ready, standing face to face. She grins at me in silent agreement. I throw a couple of easy punches her way. She blocks them, of course. Then we stare at each other for a few moments, sizing each other up. I give her a small nod, just to let her know I'm ready.
This is my favorite part of the day. Better than sex. Well... okay, let's not exaggerate. But it's still pretty fucking good. We've been spending most of our spare time training, lately. Okay, not my spare time, hers. 'Cause basically all of my time is spare. But I'll take what I can get. And if what I get is a more than willing sweaty blonde, then I'm all for that. We're getting better too. More in tune than we've ever been. I know exactly what move she's gonna make before she even knows and vice versa. I wonder if it'll be like that between the sheets. Maybe I should ask Giles to set up a little experiment, purely for scientific reasons, of course.
B tilts her head to the side, taking some deep breaths and shaking her hands out in front of her. Finally, she ends up in a fighting pose. I have to smirk; she's such a drama queen. A little nod in my direction and we're off.
I throw the first punch. Guess I'm wacky that way. It's kinda like when I'm dancing or slaying or even screwing. All rational thought just stops. Everything just stops. It becomes pure instinct. If you think about it too much you're gonna screw it up. Plus, it's the only time that I ever get to see B just let go. She does it for me, with me. Almost like our moves are choreographed, we match each other blow for blow. At almost exactly the same time we stop pulling our punches. Now any hit that lands is gonna really fucking hurt. Not that any are actually hitting. Either of us.
We're really fighting now. Pretending that the other is the enemy. It took us a while to get to this stage. Lots of late night training sessions. I don't think we've ever gone full strength in front of anyone before. I wonder who would win if it did come down to her and me. We're pretty evenly matched right about now. So, I don't know. When I first came to SunnyD Buffy could have probably kicked my ass. I'm not sure about now, though. She's been showing me some kick ass moves. I showed her how to let go. How to feel the raw power that's just below the surface. Together that power mixed with the control: I'm pretty damn sure we're unbeatable.
We go at it and I'm not even sure how much time has passed. A couple of minutes, a few hours? I'm vaguely aware of my surroundings. Just enough to let me know of any potential danger. Most of my energy is centered on B. Watching, waiting for an opening. Buffy's not being very co-operative, which is just rude as far as I'm concerned. The look of total concentration that she has is pretty hot though. I know it's turning me on.
I try for a leg sweep, but she jumps up onto the table, spinning around and kicking out at my head. I duck down just in time, which is lucky because the force behind that would have taken my head off. I roll to the side, pulling a pencil from a stunned Willow's hand. Rolling back as B aims for my head, again. I jump up a little knocking her from the table, to the floor. I pin her thigh to the ground with my knee and holding her head in place with a little forearm to throat action. Using my free hand I plunge the pencil down as hard as I can, stopping the point just above her heart.
"You're dead." I whisper with a smirk. I jump up; extending my hand to B. She takes it, brushing herself off. And I throw the pencil back to Red, who fumbles for a bit before finally getting a grip on it. We're both breathing heavily now and it takes a few moments to register the fact that everyone in the library is staring at us. B realises about the same time I do.
"That... that was..." Red stutters.
I get it; they're still all tripped out about the fighting.
"That was hot." Xander interjects with an amazed __expression, until Queen C's glare sends him scurrying from the room, with her hot on his heels.
Now, there's six left. Three are watching the two of us warily with unashamed appreciation and amazement. Oz has his usual 'I don't give a damn' face on.
"That was pretty impressive." He concedes with a slight nod of the head to let us know just how impressed he really is.
"Quite." Giles agrees, cleaning his glasses with a tissue. "I had no idea the two of you were so in 'sync."
Wesley clears his throat before speaking. "It was quite good. However I couldn't help but notice a few key mistakes that would leave you open in the field."
"Bite me, Wes. We kicked ass." B grins at me, after glaring at him.
"Actually, I kicked ass. You got yours well and truly kicked, Girlfriend."
"Oh, really." She smirks, sarcastically. "Ready for round two?"