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The Ultimate Crossover

by Jane Shadow


Distribution: Nope. But you can check out my site at http://www.geocities.com/phanphic
Summary: Uh, well.

Print Version: Adobe Reader PDF

Willow Rosenbaum sat at her computer, her eyes weary from hours of staring at the screen, lost in programming language and endless errors within visual basic. She had been working on the same code for twelve hours and now it was almost morning, the sun already peeking out over the horizon outside her window.

Leaning back with a yawn, she glanced over to see if her visiting cousin was still asleep. As always, Peter was in a deep sleep, snoring a little. She wondered just what kind of things he did during the day that made him so exhausted and worn out.

Must have a gym membership, Willow thought to herself, turning back to her computer screen. But something was wrong. It looked like her screensaver had kicked in, or maybe her monitor's power source had been knocked loose.

The screen had turned completely black.

"Oh no... oh shit!" She mumbled to herself, desperately trying to fix the problem, first moving the mouse, then checking the wall outlet and the power button on the monitor.

"Oh shit oh shit!" She continued to say over and over, certain that all of her code had been lost. The red-headed hacker looked down to make sure the tower was still working and when she looked up again at the screen, there were two words typed, white against the black.

"Hello Weo."

She furrowed her brow and stared for a long moment. No one knew her handle, no one alive. And how did they make that message display on her computer? It seemed impossible...

Reluctantly, she replied.

"Who is this?"

There was a second before the letters appeared one by one, forming a sentence.

"I am called Morpheus."

Willow rolled her eyes and hit ctrl-alt-delete, realizing that she had just left her Morpheus program running, downloading mp3s in the background. With it shut up for the time-being, she quickly saved her code to a back-up disk and then hit the power on her computer.

It was about fucking time that she got some sleep. Disregarding her shirt, she crawled into bed beside Peter and curled her body close to his, planting a sweet kiss on his cheek before snuggling in for a few peaceful hours of sleep. Her presence caused him to wake up and pull away just slightly.

"Some would consider this to be incest, you know." He said, crinkling up his boyish face, looking even five years younger with his short brown hair matted and unkempt.

She only pulled him closer.

"How many times do I have to tell you, we're not blood relatives... now let me sleep, please?"

"I can't sleep like this anymore, Willow, I've fallen in love with someone and this is just too difficult for me to continue on with."

Her face filled with hurt that she tried her best to hide.

"It's too difficult for you to cuddle with me while I sleep?"

"Yes, I'm sorry." Without another word Peter rolled away, leaving her alone on the other side of the bed.

The Summers' residence was filled with the smell of sex and pancakes. Sex because that was what Faith and Buffy had been having all morning... and pancakes because that was what they were eating.

And yes, that does mean pancakes in the literal sense.

"So," Buffy said, pushing her lover against the counter and letting their bodies press together erotically, only thin layers of cotton separating them.

"when is this sister of yours going to come over, anyway?"

Faith couldn't hide her smile if she tried.

"I don't know!" She exclaimed excitedly. "She said she would call before she got here... but wow! Isn't this going to be awesome B?! I mean... a sister! Fucking A, B! And just think that I almost never found out about her at all... what if we had decided to just go to bed that one night instead of staying up late on the computer looking up personal ads to laugh at the people we knew? I mean, we never would have found out just how desperate Angel is, and we also never would have seen my sister's picture...and I never would have known that I had a twin!"

Of course, Buffy knew all of these things, but the author of this story chose to add this useful information into the dialogue at this point in the chapter so that you, dear readers, could also know these things.

"Yes, just think," Buffy replied, also for the reader's benefit, "what are the chances that your twin sister would be so desperate to meet women online that she would post her picture on a personals site? And it's so cool that she is a lesbian, too! What are the chances...really?"

Buffy licked her lips at the thought. She got raging hormones over the idea of just one Faith naked on top of her, so naturally the idea of TWO naked Faiths was unbearable.

Perhaps we could put that last sentence into the 'fore-shadowing' category for the time-being.

"Oh, it's so wonderful. We have so much to tell each other... so much to share..." The brunette slayer said, trailing off.

"Mm yes, sharing is good. Share with your twin. No need to be selfish!" Buffy replied, while creaming her pants.

(Note: this is where the Author broke into a fit of laughter and had to stop writing for ten minutes. She hopes the reaction is mutual).

"I'm so excited about it, I don't know what to do with myself! It just makes me feel like... it makes me feel like... it makes me feel like..."

"Like what?! Like what?! Like what?!" Buffy asked, jumping up and down.

"Like... like... SINGING!"

With this the brunette slayer jumped eagerly on top of the kitchen table and threw her arms out to her sides, a huge smile pasted on her face. She swayed quickly from side to side, humming out a guitar part and waving her arms around to imitate something that was supposed to either be air guitar or a PeeWee hockey player under the heavy influence of narcotics.

Either way, it was a great imitation.

"Oh yeah sing, let's sing!" Buffy yelled, clapping her hands. So they began to sing in unison.

"We got the afternoon
you got this room for two
one thing I'll... uh... like...
discover me, discovering you!
One mile to every inch of
Your skin like porcelain
One pair of... candy... flavored... underwear...
And they're edible..."

This was the point in which Faith decided to simply belt out the chorus.


Unfortunately (and I'm sure we're all sad about just how unfortunate this is), their song was interrupted by the sound of the phone ringing.

"I'll get it!" Faith yelled, jumping off the table and sliding across the hard wood floor, grabbing the phone so over-excitedly that she almost ripped the receiver from the wall.

"Oh hello!" She said with a smile, trying to sound calmer and cooler than she obviously was.

"Oh... uh huh... No... uh... no... pink briefs and a Gremlins t-shirt, why? Uh huh... oh I see... yeah, that sounds interesting... oh... ok... uh... thanks. Bye."

Buffy could barely wait for the other slayer to hang up the phone before she blurted out her question.

"Was it her? Is it your sister? Is she coming over??"

"Huh? Oh... no. Just a low-rate credit union."

Willow woke up to the feeling of her body sinking into the bed. When she opened her eyes, she realized that it was because her cousin Peter had gotten up and was quickly dressing for school.

"Why don't you stay home today?" She asked through a yawn.

He shook his head, pulling on a shirt over his toned, muscular body.

"I can't, I have a lot of things to do, and I was hoping to ask that girl out... you know, the one I told you that I'm in love with."

Willow's heart sank.

"So I guess that's the way it's going to be?" She asked, her lower lip trembling.

Peter sighed and looked over at her sympathetically.

"Wills... you know that I care about you. But this girl... she's just... there's just something so special about her. I can't put my finger on it, you know? It's like, when I look at her the only thing I can think is 'Wow, you are so hot and I'm not related to you'."

With this, the red-headed witch burst into tears.

"It's my boobs, isn't it?!"

"No pumpkin, your boobs are perfect. It's just that, after five years, I find myself kind of interested in other boobs, you know? It's so hard to explain, and I know there's no way that I can tell you without hurting you. But, honey-pie... sometimes a man wants to play with boobs that aren't attached to someone he is related to, you know?"

Her sadness turned to anger, her eyes flashing defiantly.

"Damn it, Peter! We are related by MARRIAGE! Marriage! When will you get that through your head?!"

Peter sighed and looked at the floor.

"I know that you say that, but it just doesn't make sense to me. Your mother is my father's sister. My father is your mother's brother. How is it that we are related by marriage?"

"I've told you a thousand times. My mother got married. Your father got married. Then children were born AFTER they got married. That makes us related by marriage. Besides, how could we truly be blood relatives? My last name is Rosenberg, and your last name ISN'T Rosenberg. It's totally ridiculous to purpose that we are actually related by blood." Willow rolled her eyes at her cousin's idiocy.

"I guess I just don't understand it all. I have to go to school now... goodbye Willow. Have a good day."

He closed the door quickly, but not fast enough to stop himself from hearing her yell after him.

"You're an asshole, Peter Parker! I hope you get bitten by a mutant spider and die a horrible death!"

Chapter Two

Faith stood there in her usual all-leather outfit, holding the door wide open.

Her eyes were big like saucers and her jaw was hanging open. She had been standing this way for five entire seconds before the girl on the porch said something.

"So," Faith's twin said. "I guess you're surprised to see me?"

Buffy came running towards the door. She had been upstairs and had just realized that she had heard the doorbell.

"Missy? Is Missy here?!"

Yes, it was indeed, Faith's twin sister Missy from Rancho Carne. Which, if I am not mistaken, means Meat Camp. The twins had both been born in Boston, but when their mother discovered Missy's strange, inexplicable ability to freeze objects by touching them, she put her up for adoption.

Having a mutant baby was just too much to handle. Fortunately, years at a private school only for mutants helped Missy to control her freakish talent and use it only for good. No longer would she be known as 'Blue Balls', a nick-name acquired after an unfortunate incident involving Missy's first sexual experience with a boy whose genitalia had to be thawed out with a hair-dryer afterwards.

But the school for mutants helped her to work past it all and begin living a normal life, starting at a new school in California. She told Buffy and Faith all about it while they sat in the Summers' living room, eating pop-tarts.

"So Missy, what do you like to do in your spare time?" Buffy asked, doing her best not to drool.

It was impossible to say which of the twins was better looking, since they were completely identical in every way. She wondered if they looked the same naked. The only thing really different was that Missy's hair was in wraps and Faith's... well... it wasn't in wraps.

Buffy tried to quit thinking about that and go back to imagining them naked.

"I'm a cheerleader." Missy replied with a straight-face.

Imagining the girls naked vanished entirely as Buffy choked on her pop-tart.

Willow knew it was a mistake that she would regret, but she was driven by her love for Peter and in a jealous rage, she went to his high school wearing the sluttiest outfit in her closet:

Bibbed overalls.

You might not think that sounds slutty, but they were the kind with shorts.

As she walked into the lunch room she saw her beloved cousin sitting at a table, across from a blonde girl and a brown haired boy. She realized that this must be the girl he was in love with and she felt a pang of jealousy.

You see, years ago when Peter had told Willow that he was in love with Mary Jane, she thought nothing of it. After all, she just figured he was referring to the kind of Mary Jane you roll up and smoke, not the kind you roll up and... you know... roll up and... say

"Look, a girl!" with. Yeah, that's it.

Willow quietly approached them and sat down, noting the shocked expression on her cousin's face. He managed to sit there with his mouth hanging open, speechless.

"Hello, you must be the new girl." Mary Jane said with a perfect, toothy smile.

Willow took note of the fact that her breasts seemed perky and had the sudden inexplicable longing to touch them, which seemed odd at the time because this was only the beginning of season three and she wasn't a lesbian yet!

Prying her eyes away from the blonde's chest, she replied

"Yes, that's right. I'm the new girl. My name is... uh... Michelle. Michelle Flaherty." That sounded like a nice made-up name.

Peter buried his head in his hands and groaned aloud.

Suddenly there was the sound of a scream coming from the direction of the girl's bathroom. Willow and Mary Jane rushed towards the already-forming crowd surrounding someone neither of them recognized, laying on the floor just outside the ladies room, completely petrified.

"He's been petrified!" A voice of brilliance sung out, enlightening us all.

Willow wondered if perhaps this was some sort of spell. She remembered back to the last time she had seen something like this... this kind of petrification. Yes, it was when she was at Hogwart's school of witchcraft and wizardry still reading futile spellbooks on topics like 'How to Bring a Vampire Slayer Back from the Dead in Five Easy Steps'.

In fact, she had been masturbating with that very book when she had heard the screams coming from... hmm... the ladies room.

What an odd coincidence.

Then Willow realized that this was a very different situation entirely. Those screams had been coming from the ladies room because she was IN the ladies room. Masturbating. Only, she wasn't masturbating with a book about vampire slayers, she was having sex with one. A vampire slayer, that is. Not a book. And when I said that she heard screaming, what I really meant was that she WAS screaming, and heard herself.


Because she was having sex with a vampire slayer in the ladies room. So really, it was the same, only different all at once. (By the way that line about it being the same only different all at once is some of my best work, and I am very certain that it meets Matrix: Reloaded qualifications. I'll be looking forward to hearing from a producer very soon).

Well, back to reality (oh there goes gravity... and now the 8 Mile crossover section is officially over) Willow stared at the body seemingly frozen in time and wondered just how something this awful could have happened to a poor little innocent child.

Actually, he didn't look so innocent standing outside the girl's bathroom holding a camera in front of his face. It might have been that, or maybe the fact that one hand was holding the camera and the other was down the front of his pants... what a horrible position to be permanently frozen in.

Irregardless, whoever had done that to him was a wicked bastard who needed to be stopped.

Peter stared at the boy and then realized that there was a trail of spiders slowly moving away from the body. Curious, he followed them, away from the crowd and down an empty hallway. This was when one of the spiders bit him and duh duh duh Doo! He turned into...

*suspenseful music*

*long pause*

*more long pauses*

HE TURNED INTO... SPIDERMAN! (aptly named).

Of course, when he emerged from the hallway wearing a spandex suit decorated in a spider web, no one thought anything of it.

After all, this is Sunnydale we are talking about.

Now, in this case it happens to be a GREAT thing that the trail of spiders were, in fact, spiders, and not butterflies.

You (dear reader) may not be aware of this, but there once was a ButterFlyMan who fought evil in some developing cities near Omaha and was terribly unsuccessful. Typically he could get the flying part down ok, but all his opponents had to do was fashion some kind of large blue light (often found in Kmart stores) and wait for him to fly into it. This is why we are glad that Peter was bitten by a spider.

Go ahead and say it aloud... you're glad, too.

Even though Willow is a bright young girl, she couldn't manage to put two and two together. Her cousin disappeared into a deserted, dark and entirely empty hallway.

Then a boy in spandex emerged from the same exact deserted, dark and entirely empty hallway.

It seemed like something should fit together but she couldn't quite put her finger on what it was. Instead she just wondered where Peter had run off to. She resolved to leaving the school in a hasty effort to track him down... and off she went.

"You were a cheerleader?!" Faith screamed, throwing her pop-tart in agony.

"No, no sister, you misunderstood me." Missy said, speaking softly.

Slightly embarrassed, the slayer sat down and tried not to blush.

"Oh, sorry Missy. What exactly did you say... because it sounded like you said that you used to be a cheerleader?"

"No, I said that I AM a cheerleader. I didn't used to be one. I am one now!"

Upon saying this, she leapt up and ripped away her starter jacket, exposing a Rancho Carne Cheer sweater that said 'Missy' across her nipple.

At this point Faith began to cry.

Then (doo doo doo!) there was a knock at the door!(Everyone gasp. Go ahead, do it.)

Buffy got up to answer the door, seeing that Missy was too busy clapping and chanting about being aggressive, and Faith was a slobbering, sniffling mess. At the door was a young man that she didn't recognize wearing spandex.

"I'm sorry," Buffy said, fear in her eyes. "we don't allow men wearing spandex into this household."

Before she could shut the door he blurted out

"I'm Willow's cousin, Peter Parker!"

She stopped and stared at him warily.

"Peter Parker, eh? That name doesn't sound familiar... are you sure that when you say Willow you are referring to my best friend who is a witch with brilliant red hair, and not, perhaps, a dwarf-like man who traveled into the land of the Dikini's, destined to return Elora Danon, a baby who is truly the future princess of Tir Asleen and also fulfill a prophecy of overthrowing the evil queen and along the way was joined by a powerful swordsman named Madmartigan and a beautiful sorceress called... Fin Raziel who actually turned out to be a very old woman?"

Peter shook his head. "No, I mean Willow. Your friend."

"Oh thank god!" She said with a happy sigh, swinging the door open and allowing him to come in. "Because I am so creeped out by dwarves."

When Buffy turned back to look into the living room, she saw that Faith and Missy were making out on the couch. It was by-far the hottest thing that ever transpired in the history of the universe.

Ok, well, maybe not, but it definitely made Buffy cream her pants again.

(Author laughs hysterically and now needs a pill for the belly-ache).

She was just about to go show them just what the term ambidextrous REALLY meant when Willow walked through the front door.

"Aha!" The witch exclaimed, pointing at her cousin. "I found you after all! You thought you could hide from me... but you can't!"

As she walked in, she pulled Mary Jane in behind herself, holding onto her hand and practically dragging her.

"Mary Jane..." Peter said with a lovesick sigh.

Missy suddenly pushed her twin sister onto the floor violently and jumped up, straightening her cheer uniform.

"Torrance! What are you doing here?!"

Mary Jane/Torrance looked back and forth between the two of them with her jaw hanging open... something that had become a new trend for the characters of this story since the author decided to use it as her ONLY description of characters feeling surprised.

"Missy! What are you doing here?" She managed to stutter. "You weren't supposed to know about my secret identity as Mary Jane, the somewhat-more-sofisticated-merely-because-I'm-not-bubbly-and-I-have-a-job-as-a-waitress girl!"

Missy cried out in agony, and so did Faith, for no apparent reason.

Peter started to feel left out, seeing as he had not been part of the cool group of people who had used the phrase 'what are you doing here' and so he made a mental note to use said phrase a later time in order to be accepted in his circle of peers.

"Why do you have a secret identity?" Buffy asked with great interest. She was finding this blonde girl to be rather cute.

But Mary Jane/Torrance merely burst into tears and ran out of the house, leaving everyone confused. But the author was happy because it left her with fewer explanations to make, since she couldn't think of a single fucking reason as to why Kirsten Dunst would have secret identities.

This is when the author skips over everything and just simply moves ahead.

Missy stepped forward.

"Perhaps I can explain all of this, if you just sit down."

Peter and Willow sat beside each other on the taupe couch while Buffy made herself comfortable on Faith's face.

"Now, pay close attention, because this is complicated." Missy began, pacing the room as she spoke.

"My name is Missy Pantone, and I was separated from my identical twin sister, Faith Pantone, at birth."

Everyone nodded, except for Faith, who merely flicked her tongue in response.

Missy continued.

"My brother is named Cliff Pantone, but no one has seen him in months since our Yellow Dog ran away... Far From Home. As far as we know, he is still out there looking for the dog. And this guy right here," She said, pointing at Peter. "is Peter Parker. Is everyone following me?"

Once again, more nodding, and for Faith there was some slight thrusting and swirling of the tongue.

"Peter is Willow's cousin and he was bitten by a mutant spider that was created in Dr. Xaviar's labs. I am also a mutant, I can turn things into ice."

Missy said with a definite smile, confident in her ability to overcome the cheerleader stereotype and explain things in a simple, understandable way.

Suddenly there was the beautiful sound of a roaring engine outside the Summers' home. Willow, Peter and Missy ran outside to see who it was.

(Buffy and Faith stayed behind and I don't think I need to explain why).

Standing beside a brand new Aston Martin coupe was a well-dressed boy with a thin jaw and curly blonde hair.

"Hello." He said with a rather arrogant tone. "I am here to pick up my sister Kathryn, is she home?"

Missy scratched her head. "Now this one really confuses me."

Chapter Three

"Who ARE you?" Missy asked, transfixed by his pores which oozed money.

His mirrored sunglasses were the same color as the custom paint on his Aston Martin. His Gucci jacket matched his Gucci cologne. His fingernails were manicured, his eyelashes trimmed and his back-hair waxed.

"My name is Sebastian." He said, letting his extreme irritation show.

"Yes... I know you!" Peter exclaimed excitedly. "I've seen you on TV! You're Keanu Reeves!"

To this comment, Sebastian did not bother to reply. Instead he turned back to Missy, certain that she had some grain of intelligence by the way she drooled over his physique.

"I'm really just here to get my sister. I'm sure she'll be grateful to be out of... Sunnyvale."


"Whatever. Could you ask her to come here, please? I really need to be getting on my way." He looked at his silver Swiss wristwatch and sighed impatiently.

Missy sighed as well, but in more of a pathetic, love-struck way. She hoped beyond all hopes that she wasn't about to find out that she was related to him in some obscure way, because that would lead to her need for extensive psychiatric therapy later in life, developing agoraphobia as well as angoraphobia...the fear of knitting yarn.

Incest was always a deep-rooted paranoia of hers ever since she found herself attracted to her brother Cliff, who truly was not her brother at all, but merely a key made up of energy.

This was a secret she had kept to herself for many, many, many years.

She was so busy contemplating this that she didn't respond to Sebastian's inquiry about his sister... she merely gazed off into space.

So Willow spoke.

"I don't think your sister lives here. It's only us, and Buffy, and Faith. Actually, none of us really live here at all... but Buffy does. So really the only person that lives here... is Buffy."

"Buffy, yes. That sounds like a pseudonym that my sister Kathryn would use while in the company of low-class strangers." He leaned forward and listened closely.

Then with a look of satisfaction he said

"I hear sexual moaning. That could really only mean one thing. After all, one knows that in order to find my sister, all they have to do is... follow the moans!"

Triumphantly he stepped into the Summers' house and briskly walked into the living room, completely unaffected by the fact that he was intruding on a somewhat personal moment between two slayers.

"Who... OHHHH!!... the hell... MMmmmM YES!!... are... OHHH FAAAITTHHH... you??" Buffy managed to ask through (obviously) her moans.

"It's me, your brother... Sebastian? Don't tell me you've forgotten me already. For fuck's sake, Kathryn, you've only been gone three days."

Meanwhile, somewhere in southern California, an actual PLOT was forming! Deep in the heart of a musty lab, chemicals were brewing.

Dangerous chemicals.

"Hahaha! I will destroy the slayer and use her ribs to eat with barbeque sauce! Muahahaha!"

"But Sir, we have no barbeque sauce."

"Then we will make some! MAKE SOME! I'm so powerful I can make anything!! MUAHAHAHA!"

"But Sir, we need barbeque sauce to complete the formula... we must have it in three seconds... or you will die!"

"Oh I can do anything... ANYthing! MUAHAHAHA!! Wait... three seconds? Oh fu-"


Yes, it seems that there was a threat of some actual plot, but thanks to the mighty power of barbeque sauce, we may no longer live in fear of that becoming a reality.

Thank goodness for barbeque sauce.

"Yes... for fuck's sake... ohhhhh for FUCK'S SAKE FUCK ME FAITH!!" Buffy continued to moan and scream, ignoring this man who called himself Sebastian, her brother.

Irritated, he leaned against the doorframe and looked impatiently at his watch once again, intent on waiting things out. It was clear that he had been inconvenienced by his sister's sexual antics before, but not entirely clear if this truly was his sister, although he seemed certain.

Willow was one to argue.

"But... but Buffy can't be your sister! She's just Buffy! And she doesn't have any siblings, at least none that I remember and I don't think that any demons or witches have cast memory spells on us, so that means that you must be either very wrong, or very intent on having sex with her because you are into that whole kinky incest thing... and there's nothing wrong with that! Nothing at all! Because as long as your parents were married, then you really aren't related!"

"Yeah, and the itching will go away after a few weeks!" Peter piped up with a hopeful smile.

Sebastian merely glared at the both of them, his anger undermined by the fact that the two slayers were now noisily progressing to round two on the couch directly behind him.

"I don't know what she has made you all believe... Kathryn is a very manipulative girl. She has convinced people of things that would make your skin crawl...and now we have to be heading home as soon as possible, because there's been an accident. An accident that she ran away from like an irresponsible idiot."

"What kind of accident?" Willow asked with grave concern.

Sebastian clenched his jaw tightly and hesitated for a moment before confiding in the cheerleader, the boy in spandex, and the overall-lover standing before him.

"We were out with some friends of ours... one night. We were being stupid... we hit someone. With a car. I think they were dead, but there's really no way of knowing these types of things. You know, they seem dead one minute, they're not dead the next... someone sees you hit them... then they try to kill you, or maybe they don't. The important thing is that, we're in trouble and I haven't gotten laid since that party in Reseda."

Missy gasped audibly.

Only it was not so audible due to Buffy's screams from the next room.

"The party in Reseda? The July party in Reseda? The July party in Reseda at Tony's house?!"

The rich boy looked rather shocked. "So you know about that?"

"Yes!" Missy exclaimed, half in recognition and half in anger.

"Yes! I do know about that, you bastard! What, you think I don't? You're so stupid! How could you not know that I know?!"

His eyes now widened in fear. "What do you know?"

"I KNOW what you did last summer!!"

To Be Continued
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