Everything You've Wanted
I don't want to be here now.
I really don't want to be here now. I know that he's her boyfriend and that she loves him and all, but does that mean that I have to be around to watch it? This place was actually decent without him here. The music wasn't so bad. Me and B were even dancing. God. I spent the whole afternoon in front of the mirror for tonight. B said she wanted to just hang at the Bronze and she expected me to show.
I'm wearing my red top. The one she told me she liked, once. She looks great as usual. She always looks perfect.
Angel wraps his arms around her and I can't take it anymore. I think I forget to breathe. But it's all right. I shake off the pain and walk over to her. I tap her on the shoulder. She turns around to face me, and gives me a dazzling smile. I half smile in return.
"I'm gonna get outta here, B."
"I...I just need a slay is all. Plus the music kinda sucks tonight."
"See you later, Faith."
I head out of the back door of The Bronze. I lean back against the cold bricks. I struggle with my lungs and barely manage to suck in any air. I clench my jaw and run my hand over my face.
God. My life sucks. I mean it just sucks. I mean, come on! I risk my life every single night and what do I get? I live in a shit hole on the edge of a town that doesn't mean anything to me. I wake up every day to a big pile of nothing. What am I even doing here? What exactly am I waiting for? For her to want me? For her to need me? For her to notice that I'm even around?
I push myself off the wall and run toward the closest cemetery.
I dust a vamp at my third stop of the night, when the wind picks up. I can almost smell the rain before it begins to fall. The grass becomes slick. The wet stone gives off and earthy scent that I've grown to love. But it's too cold to be out here, so I pack it up and walk home.
As I walk home, I think about all of the things that I'd like to know about Buffy. All of the questions that I'd like to ask her. The smiles I'd like to see when I ask her. I want her to ask me questions. I want her to want to know about me. I want her to ask me about all the wild things I've done. I want her to tell me about... anything. I want her to be waiting for me on days when...when I feel like this. I want her on the bad days, all days.
I'm almost home when I feel the temperature of the moisture on my face change. It's warm now. But feeling this way won't get me anywhere. Fuck, just like that...my heart is hers to break. And it's broken.
I sit staring at her face. I watch as she brushes a few stray locks from in front of her eyes. She looks across the table, green eyes softly focusing on mine.
She caught me staring.
She gives me a soft smile and my eyes go wide. Her smile broadens as I sit up in my chair. Giles comes into the library and asks if we found anything of importance. As usual, I haven't found anything.
I turn back around to face my book and notice that B is still looking at me. Her head is tilted slightly. I raise an eyebrow; she raises one in return. I'm not quite sure what to make of this, so I let it go. I've had enough research for today and decide to leave.
After a few good byes, I'm gone.
It's been like this for days. She acts all nice with me for a little bit, sometimes she'll stare at me for a while when she thinks I'm not paying attention, then she gets a strange look on her face and makes an excuse to leave. I really wish she'd stop. Or at least not make me think we're getting somewhere, and then yank it all away.
I've been trying to spend more time with her, well away from slaying. I like her, I do, but it's kind of hard with school, Angel, and the guys.
I am trying though, especially now that I know her a little better. From the few times we've hung out together, I've realized that she is so not the girl we thought she was. Ok, well maybe she is in some ways, but she can be really sweet too. Like when we went to the movies and this dopey kid knocked into me and spilled my popcorn. After she laughed at me for like five whole minutes, she offered to share hers so we wouldn't miss the trailers. She knows I love them. Oh, and since that pimply faced little goon spilled my soda too, and Faith had gotten Coke, she went out and bought me a new Diet Dr. Pepper.
"It's ok, B, I've seen this one already."
"Faith, it came out like, today, how could you have possibly seen it?"
"Lots of free time, remember?"
Oh, and she even let me wear her denim jacket home, which, might I add, I still have. It wasn't so sweet when she gave it to me though.
"Hey, B, ya cold?" She asked with a grin.
"No, I'm ok, Faith."
"Really? That flimsy little sweater keeping ya warm? 'Cause it don't look like it to me. You know, with the twins at attention and all." Then she laughed at me. After some severe blushing and pouting, she took off her jacket and handed it to me.
"Thanks." I said, "But aren't you gonna be cold?"
"Nah, you got me plenty warm with your little two gun salute." Then she smiled at me and told me to put her jacket on. She's not such a tough guy.
Faith is already at the end of the hall when I call out to her.
I'm about to reach the schoo'ls main doors when I hear B. I stop and turn and she walks over.
"Hey." She says.
"Hey." We're both quiet for a minute, which is making me uncomfortable, so I decide to ask her what she wants so I can just take off.
"Um, did you need something, B?" She looks at me then shakes her head.
"Um, no. I just thought that maybe you'd want some company."
"Oh." I say. "Why?"
I don't think she was expecting that, especially after she ran out here after me.
"I mean, well if you don't, I could just go back to the..." She trails off while pointing back to the library.
"No." I say.
"Oh." I hear her mumble as she turns around. I stop her.
"I meant I wouldn't mind the company." She grins at me and we head toward the door.
We're sitting in my motel room watching TV. There's really nothing better for us to be doing now. She's supposed to be in school, and so am I for that matter, well if I hadn't dropped out. A few days ago, Buffy asked my why I left school. I just shrugged. I don't really know either. Seemed like the best option at the time. I mean Slayers don't live that long, and I sure as hell wasn't gonna spend the time that I have left in some stuffy classroom. Especially not with some stuffy teacher telling me things that A) I already know, B) I don't wanna know or C) I just don't give a shit about and probably won't use anyway. 'Cause Slayers don't live that long, remember?
Anyhow, we're sitting in my motel room watching some old movie. We're side by side, leaning against the headboard. My left hand is lying flat on the bed next to hers. I'm trying really hard to concentrate on the movie, but it's difficult when you can barely make out anything. The screen is all fuzzy and black and white, so it's kind of hard to figure out who's who, and even more difficult to decipher the plot.
"Plot? What plot? I thought we were watching Little House on the Prairie, Faith? See, isn't that little girl milking a cow there?" Buffy points to the screen. "Unless that's an old man, or old woman, in which case I really don't wanna know what that little girl is doing to her." She scrunches up her face.
She's looking at me like I'm crazy now. I mean she's the one talking about little girls milking old chicks, and I'm the crazy one?
"You just said," she pauses and clears her throat "it's kind of hard to figure out who's who, and even more difficult to decipher the plot." In a lowered voice to "match mine."
I really gotta work on that thinking-out-loud deal I've got going. I mean I've gotten into that habit of doing it since it's so quiet all the time in my lonely little motel room.
"Right." I say, and walk over to the set. I hit it once on the side and it clears up a bit. Wow, looks like she was right. It is a cow.
"See, told ya." She says with a grin.
I hit the set again and the picture is crystal, color even. Woah. And it wasn't a cow. Turns out we were watching infomercials the whole time. I smile.
"I think I liked the cow better." B says.
I sit back down on the bed and flip through a few channels. I find a classic movie channel and smile. The shit hole comes with basic cable. I feel Buffy shift on the bed. I look over and see her take a sip of her diet Dr. Pepper. She always closes her eyes when she takes a drink. I know it's pathetic, but I always make a note of the things she's does that I think are sweet, which is practically everything.
She sits back on the bed and her hand casually lands on top of mine. Her hands are warm and a little damp. My eyes flutter closed and my heart beats just a little bit faster. I want her to leave her hand there forever, but I kind of want her to move it, too. 'Cause it hurts to have her this close and not have her at all. It hurts so much that I almost want to cry. Almost.
I slip my hand away from hers and get up. I walk to the television and flick it off. I think of an excuse for us to get out of here. I feel like I'm locked up in here with her. And while on some level the thought of being locked up anywhere with only her is appealing, I can't really stand being here now.
"Sun'll be down soon. Wanna grab some food and patrol?"
I hate I hate I hate myself. No, I really do. I hate myself. I hate this town. I hate everything.
It's been raining for days. The cemeteries are muddy, making it difficult to chase vamps. My favourite leather pants are practically ruined; they're caked in mud and soaked. I think I may be getting sick, and this room is freezing.
I haven't spoken to Buffy in days. She called and invited me to the Bronze, but I said I couldn't make it. Mostly, I've been avoiding her since the day we spent in my motel room watching TV. I don't know why. It's not her fault that I like her.
The rain has let up and I need to get out of here, so I put on a jacket and decide to go for a walk. I step out into the damp night air and find that it's actually warmer out here than in my motel room.
I walk around town for a while and eventually end up at the docks. After a while a get bored and leave. I know exactly where I'm going, and although I don't want to go there, I can't stop myself. I know she isn't home, but I look up into her bedroom anyway. I lean against her tree and sigh. I just stare up at her window for a few minutes.
I finally turn to leave when, but when I look up I see her standing in front of me.
"Faith?" She looks like a deer caught in the headlights.
"Uh, hey, B."
"What are you doing here?" Her brow furrows slightly.
"Uh, I was out patrolling. What are you doing here?"
"I live here."
"Um, uh no, I mean...weren't you going to The Bronze?"
"Yeah, I mean no. You said you were sick, remember? I made you soup." I say lifting up a container.
"Oh." She says.
"I'm actually glad you're here. I got worried when I stopped by your place and you weren't in."
"You stopped by?"
"Yeah, last time I got sick, I wound up in the hospital." I really am relieved. Not only because she's here, and does look a little under the weather, well, not because I'm happy she's sick. Well, I am a little, but only because she's not out and healthy with someone else and only said she was sick 'cause she didn't want me. Well not 'want me,' want me, but you know like she didn't want to hang out with me so she could hang with someone else that's not me. 'Cause I have noticed that she's been avoiding me. And I don't want her to avoid me. I want Faith to want me. Woah, where did that come from, Buffy? I mean I want her to want to hang out with me.
"So do you wanna come in?"
"Uh, no. I'm just gonna get back."
"Faith, it's already starting to rain again. Why don't you come inside? Plus you aren't looking so hot."
"No, I really should go before the rain really picks up."
"Come on." I say as I drag her inside.
The sun streaming in through the windows wakes me up. I'm still kind of tired, but I sit up on the couch anyway. I look at my watch. It's eight in the morning. I shouldn't be up this early on a Saturday. I stand up and get a good stretch. I start to fold the sheets when I hear someone coming down the stairs. It's Joyce.
"Good morning, Faith."
"Morning, Mrs. S."
"Are you feeling better?"
"Buffy mentioned you were feeling ill." She says.
"Oh, right. No, I feel better, thanks." I say.
"Morning." Buffy chirps from the stairs.
"Morning." Me and Mrs. S say. Buffy is still in her pajamas, but so am I. She lent me a pair last night. She said I couldn't sleep in my street clothes, 'cause they were soaked and all.
"Oh, Faith, I put some extra towels in the bathroom so you can grab a shower. I put a new toothbrush out for you too, and I'm sure your clothes are dry by now. Mom can we have waffles?"
"Sure, honey. Why don't you help me make them while Faith is in the shower."
"Okay." B says, as they walk into the kitchen.
I head up the stairs and into the bathroom.
I'm sitting in my room waiting for Faith to get out of the shower. Mom is finishing up breakfast. I walk out into the hall when I hear the bathroom door open. Faith looks apprehensive...shy even. She is too adorable in that towel. Woah there, Buffy...she looks adorable in that towel?
"Faith, your clothes is laid out on my bed. Here." I reach for the pajamas she slept in. "I'll put these in my hamper."
"Thanks." She says.
"No problem. Mom should have breakfast ready soon, so come down when you're ready."
I put my pajamas in my hamper and walk downstairs and into the kitchen.
Faith walks into the kitchen a few minutes after I do. Mom and I are already sitting at the breakfast table. She sits down and we start to eat. She is so cute when she looks shy and when she eats. Oh God Buffy. What's up with you today? I can't keep my eyes off of her, though. She looks up and catches me staring. She gives me a soft smile, then gets a strange look on her face. I wish I knew what she was thinking. We finish up breakfast and head into the living room.
"So." I say.
"So." Faith says. "I'm gonna go. Uh, thanks for letting me stay here, and for breakfast and stuff. And, um, for the soup too, I guess." She gives me a dimpled grin then heads toward the door.
"Faith." I call out before she's out the door.
"Did... did you want to hang out later?"
"Uh, yeah. I'd like that."
"Cool. So, I'll call you in a while then?"
"Yeah. Later B."
Faith closes the door quietly behind her. I turn and walk up the stairs. I need a shower.
It's hard to believe that there was a storm last night. It's really warm today. Super sunny. I shake my head and smile. I can't believe I slept at B's house yesterday. It was nice. So was breakfast this morning. It was really, really nice. Too nice. And although I know we're gonna hang out later today, I know I shouldn't get used to this. I shouldn't get too attached to having B's attention, 'cause I know that sooner rather than later, her focus will be right back on dead-boy or the Scoobs.
Still a nice day though.
I take my time walking back to my motel room.
Buffy just called. She's gonna be here in a bit. I'm kinda happy and I'm kinda not. What are we gonna do or talk about if not slaying? I wish...I wish I could be smarter, or funnier, or charming even. I wish that I could think of the best things to say and impress her. Maybe she'd want to hang out with me more if she thought I was smarter. Yeah, keep dreaming, Faith. Do you really think that being intelligent and articulate would help when she's got tall dark and broody? Don't think so.
I hear Buffy knock and I grab my jacket. I open the door and there she is, smiling.
"Hey." She says.
"Hey." I respond.
"Is something wrong? Are you all right, Faith?"
"Right as rain. Ready to motor, B?"