Chapter 9: Open With The Light And Fade To Blackness
Song credits: You by Candlebox; and Sweet Jane the Cowboy Junkies version.
"Heya, Faith!"
I nod my head, ‘What's up?'
Xander's been dyin' to get me down in the ‘Contol Room' for the past few days, he's been really fuckin' excited about it. He's got a link up to all the girls and guys in the field. Wants me to see how it works. I stroll in and he's smilin' like a loon.
"I'm really glad you finally decided to come down." He gestures around the room with his hand and says all suave voiced. "Welcome to my humble control room."
I smirk.
"Hey, Willow sent this gadget you might want to use. I know you didn't want to use pen and paper or the dry erase board, but this is so much cooler!!"
Looks like a huge cellphone.
"She says all you do is think of what you want to say, touch the screen and it appears. Let's give this baby a go!"
Xander's been really nice to me these past few days, even though the talk has been one way, mostly because like he said, I refuse to use anything to write with so that I can talk to people. Never was much of a writer. Funny how it doesn't really matter either, guess I spent so much time on my own that it feels just like always. Them blabbin' to me and me just listenin'. ‘Cept when I was patrollin' with Buffy in SunnyD, her I blabbed everything to.
Seems like a million fuckin' years ago.
He fumbles with the gadget and then touches a button on the side of it. He gets that ‘I'm thinkin' of somethin'' face and then touches the screen. He holds it up to me smilin'.
‘Damn, her boobs look really good in that shirt.' HAHAHAHAHA!! I fuckin' crack up as much as my still healin' jaw allows and Xander looks puzzled, he looks at it and jumps about a foot in the air.
"NOT WHAT I MEANT!!!!" He's tryin' to shut the fucker off but the buttons aren't workin' or somethin'.
I give him a questioning look.
"I- I meant, what..."
Yeah right, you meant what was on that screen. What you wanted to be on there is the question now. I quirk an eyebrow.
He sighs, "I was going to tell you ‘that's a nice shirt you're wearing', but obviously what I meant was your boobs look good in it."
I snort out a laugh and pat him on the back showin' there are no hard feelin's.
I'm glad he came back early from Japan. He left his girl Renee in charge of the operations there and told B he was goin' to come back to help me. I'm sure that went over well with Miss Bitch.
He's really been a great help in me keepin' occupied. ‘Cept he plays poker about as well as he sinks a basket without lookin'. We've had some good times though, like when I did my impression of Michael Corleone with his jaw all wired up from the Godfather. Xander loved it so much it inspired him and we watched all three movies. Well, two of ‘em, I couldn't stomach the third.
It's been pretty cool here.
He puts the device in a drawer and locks it, probably to be destroyed later. Good thing. I don't need my thoughts bein' read by no one. And even if Xander's been cool to me, I don't need him knowin' how I've been feelin' the past few days. Well, since B fuckin' rearranged my jaw.
I gesture to the huge wall of screens.
"Oh, these?! These are cool. Look! We can be on patrol with the girls and with the different cameras they wear we can see them as well as what's around them. Plus, the two way communication enables us to be a second set of eyes as well as ears, and brains I guess. It's a lot better than the nothing and Giles' books we had back in Sunnydale, huh?"
I nod my head lookin' real impressed. He gets a little jump in his step and goes to a control panel.
The screens come alive when he pushes a button. "We're online!"
We watch some of the girls that are out on patrol and Xander lets them know that they're on candid camera.
"Hi Xander!" About a dozen girls say. Heh. They sound like a bunch of hens. I bet Xander's the cock of the walk.
"How's everything going, ladies?" He's got that suave voice on again.
"Good, we're almost on our way to beating the snot out of the bad guys. How's it going there?"
"Great!"
"Faith getting better?"
Must be K, I didn't recognize her voice at first.
"Yeah, she's right here with me."
"Hey, Faith! I'll bet you're having fun in sunny Scotland, huh?"
I shrug, fuck it! Sucks not having a working jaw.
"She can't actually answer for herself, but by the looks of her shrug I'd say she just said, ‘Why yes Kennedy, I'm having a cracking good show, what with the lawn bowling and the tiddly winks, not to mention the pureed Haggis that I drink out of a straw."
"Ewwwww!!" The girls all yell out.
Yeah that was fuckin' gross. Yes, I've been eatin' my meals through a straw, but no to the fuckin' stuffed sheep's bladder or whatever they use. Blech.
"Xander, you're completely not right. Hey, we're about to go back in, we've got nothing. We'll keep you posted when we get back to Gyoza Tower."
"Check. Xander out."
Heh, just like Seacrest. What a dork.
"So what do you say to another movie marathon Faith? I can get a few of these to show us a wonderful film of your choice."
I'd say, yes, Xand that would actually be pretty sweet. He reads it off my face and rubs his hands together. "Perfect, it will be a night you won't want to remember." He winks and says, "Kidding. I'll be right back. Oh and hey, I'll get us some snacks. You can handle some milkshakes, huh?"
I glare at him. "Oh yeah, forgot, sorry. I'll be back with movies and milkshakes!"
I watch some of the other screens, one looks dark, but I can make out somethin' like a chair in a room or somethin'
I push a button with a number that corresponds on the screen and can hear someone gettin' busy.
Fuck! I need to get laid, bad. This is turnin' me on. I look to make sure Xand's gone and then shut the door. I wish I could hear them better.
"Oh, yes, Satsu, YES! Oh my god, that was, wow, again with the wow."
Uhhhh. Uhhhhhh.
"I guess I just keep on wowing you." I can hear a kiss. "That was wonderful. You're getting really good at that."
"Really?"
"Yes, very, very good."
I hear some rustling around and I want to throw up. They're kissing again.
"I'll be right back." B says and Asian girl whines.
"Nooooo, I want to snuggle more. Please?"
"I've got to pee, but I'll be back in like two seconds."
"One, two. Done yet?"
Buffy laughs.
I can't fuckin' shut this shit off. The button must be stuck. Fuckin' typical!
About a minute goes by and I'm almost ready to put my fists through the fuckin' screens, but then I think about my fists bein' all smashed up and the fact that it wouldn't do nothin' to the sound, I'd still be hearing the love birds fuck and cuddle and shit in Dolby Fuckin' 5.1 Surround Sound.
"What's with the frowny face?" B's girl must thinkin' some deep shit. Or some other fuckin'...I pull open a drawer and the thing that reads your thoughts is there. I touch the screen and ‘I want to rip her arms off and shove them up her ass' appears on the screen. I quickly shut the drawer but not before touchin' the screen to get the shit off it. I guess I could just leave the room, but fuck if my feet will move.
"I was just thinking."
"About what?"
"Faith."
"Faith?! Why would you be thinking of Faith?"
"I don't know, I was kind of wondering why..."
"Why what?"
"Well, we haven't talked about it since we left."
"And we won't be talking about it now either."
"Buffy..."
"Satsu!"
"What?"
"NO!"
"Why not?"
"Because it's nothing. She's nothing to me."
Fuck. I guess... What did I expect?
"No? Then why are you so defensive about it all the time?"
"All the time? What's that supposed to mean?"
"Any time I've tried to bring it up."
"I don't know WHY you insist on bringing it up in the first place."
"Because obviously it's bothering you."
"IT IS NOT!!!!!!"
Woah, that's a lie if ever I heard one.
"Buffy, see? That's exactly what I'm talking about."
"No, I don't see. You're wrong."
"Where are you going?"
"Somewhere that I'm not going to be given the third degree!"
"Buffy please!"
"No, Satsu. I told you, she means nothing to me. I haven't even thought about her since we've been here. Haven't we been having a good time?"
"Yeah, but..."
"But WHAT?!"
"But why haven't you thought about her? I mean, Giles said..."
"Fuck what Giles has to say!!"
Fuck, B needs help, she's even more black cloud than me. I can hear ‘lyin' to myself' better than I can hear my own voice. Which, heh, not a good analogy right now, but you know what? Fuck it.
"Buffy, can you just answer me one question?"
"I don't think I want to."
"Why did you try to kill her before we left?"
"I didn't mean it." She sounds sincere. Bully for her and her fuckin' sincerity.
"Well, why did you get so upset, I mean she just came in and said ‘Hi'."
"It's how she said it."
"You know what? I'm gonna go back to my room. I'll see you around."
"Satsu, no, come on. Why are you going?"
"Buffy, you need to deal with your feelings for her."
"Look, for the last time. I'm sorry for what I did to her before we left, but that's it. I don't feel anything for her."
"Why did you blow up at her?"
"She's always coming where she's not wanted! I can handle things, Giles thinks she needs to be in on everything. They need to go off somewhere, far away and stay there. I'll call them when I need them."
Beck and Call chick. I think I'm gonna rename her B and C.
"Why does she get you so upset? I mean I thought you said you apologized before we left?"
"I did, but she was still asleep."
I thought I remembered her bein' in my room, but shit, I don't know what she said. All I remember is someone kissin' my hand and then me bein' bitter about her new fling.
"So why are you so upset?
No answer from the golden girl. Xander comes in and looks puzzled.
I run out of the room.
So fuckin' stupid! Can't fuckin' get my lips around the bottle. I want these pins gone!!!
I reach up with my hands and pry my jaw open. Fuck, that wasn't a good idea. But at least I can move my jaw some.
Shit the alcohol I'm pourin' into my mouth is burnin' like fuck. What's it matter? It'll disinfect and numb it. The docs'll like that.
Gotta love Dawnie, I found a bottle of JD in her drawer by the bed. She'd need 30 cases of this shit to get tipsy now, so I guess she won't miss this one bottle.
Like anyone'd miss me either.
Yeah, let the fuckin' darkness in. That's fuckin' good...feels really good, like some of that smack my ma used to do.
I stand up on the top of the building, fuck its high up. Her highness' castle is huge.
I press play on my mp3 player and let the black thoughts course through me.
And I'll cry for you
Yes, I'll die for you
Pain in my heart it is real
And I'll tell you now how I feel inside
Feel in my heart it's for you
Mmmmmm the blackness is like a lover to me. Caressin' me in all the right places. Even makes my pussy twinge with excitement. Better than fuckin' and fuckin' chocolate.
I take another swig and feel no pain. My lover's seein' to that. No pain. None. Only hate and fuckin' anger.
‘She means nothing to me.' Nothing. Nothing.
Don't want nothin' ‘cause I never had nothin'. Don't need nothin' either.
What's the fuckin' worst that could happen? ‘Nother bitch get called to be at her highness' beck an' call? Heh. Fuckin' fun. Better you than me, sweetpea.
And I'll take everything
As it comes my way
Pushin' your pain 'round my door
And I'll cry for you yes I'll die for you
Is this blood on my hands all for you?
I look down at my hands, they're bloody from the jaw breaker I gave myself. Yeah, it's for you alright, only ever for you.
Faith?!
No faith here. No, never had faith. Only had me. Didn't really want that either. Heh, nobody did. Not even dear old ma.
Faith?!
You shiver
And shudder
Recovers your mother
Top ‘O the World MA!! I'm King of the World!!! Stupid shit.
You feel it take control
All alone
Feel alive
In your soul
What soul?
Faith?!
I hear dogs. Someone let the dogs out. Who let the dogs out? Who? Who? Fuck, I crack myself up. I open my mouth to laugh and somethin' spills out. I look down and blood's pourin' out of my mouth again.
Shit, ‘nother shirt ruined. G-man gave me this one. Just before he went to Japan with the fuckbuddies and the other slayers. It replaced the other one my blood ruined when I made B so mad she busted my face. Damn, I liked this shirt. Xander even said my tits looked good in it.
I look down. Gravel. They'd be able to get the blood out. Scoop up the rocks and it's like no one had ever been bleedin' on ‘em.
Sorry, G, I let you down, dude.
I step up on the ledge. Damn, feels like I've been here before. My fingers feel slippery. Fuck, lost the bottle.
She's up on the roof!!!
Who is? I put my hand in front of my face, the light is blindin'. I want the blackness back.
Faith!! We're coming.
And it's mine on my own
Yes, it's mine all alone
As I cry for you
Yes, I'll die for you
Pain in my heart, it is real
"FAITH!!"
And I'll take
Everything as it comes my way
Feel in my heart it's for you
And I'll lie for you as I die for you
Pain in my heart it is real
And I'll tell you now
How I feel inside
Fuck you
It's for you
Yep, all for you, B. Well, it could have been. Should have been. I thought it would be me, but it never will.
I pull the earphones out of my ears and chuck the player off the roof. The light from the search lights glints off the display before it smashes below. Fuck, I think I used to love that thing.
Had all good tunes on it. My shit and the things she said she listened to. Fuck it. Fuck her.
"Faith!!"
Xand?
"Faith please, don't do this!"
Don't do what?
"Can I...Is it ok if I come over there?"
Sure, do what ya gotta.
I feel him put his hand on my arm. He's lookin' out at the blackness. Just like I am.
"Faith, I thought we were going to watch a movie?" Heh. Damn, that makes me laugh and some spit goes flyin' in the wind.
"Faith, honey, what did you...what happened?" I stiffen and he grabs my hand. He steps up onto the ledge with me.
Only really room for one person up here. We're close together.
"Oh, Faith, your jaw. It seems you've ripped a seam. You're gonna be all Frankensteiny if ya keep this up." I chuckle. Or was it a sob?
"Do you think we can get down off the ledge?"
I don't know, I feel like fallin' off it myself, but if you think you can manage, be my guest.
Xander steps off the ledge and pulls me off with him, pullin' me close to his chest.
"Faith, sweet, sweet, Faith." He whispers into the side of my head and kisses me there.
His gentleness makes me want to cry. His words kinda remind me of that song from Natural Born Killers.
"Faith, it's gonna be alright. We'll get through it. You'll see.
"Xander, did you... oh my word!" Dana rushes over and puts her hand on my jaw holdin' it back together.
"She's ok, looks like she popped a couple of the pins. Fighting some demons, huh, sweety?"
Yeah, fightin' some demons, my man. They got away though.
Anyone who's ever had a heart
Wouldn't turn around and break it
And anyone who's ever played a part
Wouldn't turn around and hate it
Sweet Faith, sweet Faith
Ahhhh sweet, sweet Faith
You're waiting
For Buffy down in the alley
Waiting there
For her to come back home
Waiting down on the corner
And thinking of ways
To get back home
Sweet Faith, sweet Faith
Ahhh sweet, sweet Faith
Fade to blackness
