Chapter 38- Rememberin’ How We Got Here and Who We Are
We wake up from our nap, and notice a tray that’s been put in the room, just inside the door; it has a flower and a note on it. Buffy jumps up and goes to it.
“Food, Faith!!” She’s jumpin’ like it’s fuckin’ Christmas and Santy Claus just brought her the Barbie Dreamhouse.
Never had one of those on Christmas mornin’, so really I dunno what that looks like. I hated Barbie anyway, and it’s comfortin’ to know that in this fuckin’ economy Barbie woulda been evicted after defaultin’ on her adjustable rate mortgage ‘cause the interest rates sky rocketed and her payments ballooned. That and the fuckin’ Barbie Dreamvette woulda been repossessed ‘cause she couldn’t afford the payments after payin’ $80 a day in gas to go to back and forth to Malibu.
What the fuck am I sayin’?! I totally wanted Barbie’s house and car, I’m just bitter ‘cause I never got ‘em.
Buffy’s busy standin’ in front of the tray stuffin’ toast and what looks like an omelet in her face. She’s so hungry she’s gruntin’ a bit. Heh. That’s too cute.
“Fffth, vey meyd buffuss forrus!” Oh man, she’s gonna kill me with cuteness today.
“Really? Buffuss? Mmmmm! I love buffuss!” I get up and walk over to her. She sticks her tongue out before she downs half a glass of orange juice.
“Ready to go again there, B?” I wink at her and blow her a kiss.
She scoffs and points to the tray.
“Buffuss!!”
“I know, breakfast, yes. They’re wonderful for doin’ that, ain’t they?”
She finishes what she has in her mouth.
“I was so worried about you earlier that I couldn’t eat,” She realizes she said somethin’ wrong, and shuts up real quick.
“Buffy, I don’t need to be hearin’ that! Fuck, you gotta stop worryin’ about me!”
She puts the glass back down on the tray and looks away, I can tell she’s gonna start with the tears any minute, and I wanna slap myself.
“I uh,” She starts to say and then stops.
Fuck, I’m the biggest asshole in the world! I go to her and hug her from behind. She immediately turns around in my arms and hugs me tight.
“I’m sorry, Faith.” She’s cryin’. “I can’t help it, I know I shouldn’t do it, but I can’t help it. I just love you so much, I can’t think of ever losing you.”
“I know what you mean, ‘cause I feel the same way about you. And I’m sorry for reactin’ like I did. I just don’t want you stressin’, especially not over me, ‘cause I’ll be fine, ya know?”
“Yeah, I know. I guess it’s these hormones, making me all whacky.” She tries to laugh lightheartedly.
We pull back from the hug slightly and I look into her eyes. So beautiful, even all teary.
“But I like when you’re whacky. Especially that whacky thing you did with your tongue earlier.”
“Oh you liked that, huh?” She smiles proudly and winks.
“What was your first clue? When I screamed my head off, or when I passed out?”
She chuckles and then leans in for a kiss.
“C’mere, B. Let me bring the tray over to the bed and feed you and treat you all special.”
“Oooh, like Queen Buffy?!”
“Exactly like Queen Buffy.”
She hops up on the bed excitedly and lies back on the pillows, she’s awaitin’ her servant to attend to her, so she can commence the feastin’.
She’s still naked and I just wanna feast on her, but I know she’s hungry so I have to keep it in check. ‘Sides I’ve only got an hour to get back to makeshift headquarters, so we can finish combin’ through the wreckage of the real headquarters.
That thought makes me depressed. I hide it by shovin’ a whole pancake in my mouth.
“Piggy.” Buffy giggles and I smile lookin’ down at the tray. Damn, they made our favorites, even my special. This is gonna be some good eats! I pick up the tray with the stand and all and bring it over to the bed.
She’s just layin’ back, and I’m feedin’ her and each time her tongue comes out I wanna toss the food to the floor and ravish her. But the little baby needs to be fed, not just the big baby that’s in front of me poutin’ ‘cause I ate a bite of her waffles.
I’m glad we have this time together, not only so we can just relax and be chill, but so I can figure out how I’m gonna make her forget about goin’ up to Boston to play Sherlock Holmes.
I know she thinks it’s safe and all, but that fuckface Parker Abrams and Bobby and Laurie Cochrane are still alive, so I’m not takin’ any chances.
They’ll be dealt with soon enough.
Once the last of the eggs, bacon and tomatoes are gone, I wipe the queen’s mouth for her and kneel at the side of the bed, takin’ her hand in mine.
“Anything else my Queen desires?”
“The note.”
“What note?”
“The one that was on the tray, I wanna see the note.”
I look over at the tray and there it is, I had forgotten about it. It’s from Aunt Dee.
I read it to myself.
Dear Faith and Buffy,
The silencing spell thingy didn’t work, I didn’t want to have to come up here and tell you that, so we all went down to the basement to watch TV very loudly until it was safe. I figured you two would be really hungry after all that, so enjoy.
Love, Dee.
P.S. It’s a good thing Gee Gee wasn’t with us, I wouldn’t have been able to get her to stop crossing herself after each ‘Fuck’ you dirty mouths were yelling.
Oh shit.
“What is it, Faith?”
“You really don’t wanna know, Buffy.”
She looks panic stricken and clutches at her stomach. What the fuck?!
“W-was it…p-poisoned?!”
Oh, no!!
“No! Nothin’ like that, baby. But uhhh…” I hand over the note to her.
She takes it from me and quickly reads. “Should we offer to pay for the girls’ therapy?”
“Those little miscreants were probably makin’ moanin’ noises to accentuate what was goin’ on so they could torture their parents even more, they may look innocent and sweet but they can be bitches of the highest order, believe me.”
“We need a permanent sound proofed room, no relying on spells anymore.”
“Heh, Red would tell you to bite your tongue.”
Shit.
Red.
*****
“Whatcha got there, Will?”
“Protection spell for the building but I can’t work out what the last two lines are.”
“Who wrote it? Jeffrey Dahmer? That’s serial killer writin’ right there.” I point to it.
“Andrew,” Dawn says with a chuckle.
“Damn, I’m takin’ back my spare key from Xander, don’t need the little dude killin’ me in my sleep.”
“Oh, he loves you, Faith, so shut up!” Buffy says from across the room.
“Yeah right, he loves that Zac Ephron dude. He musta watched that Hairspray thing at least a dozen times.”
“That was a great movie!” The girls yell out in unison.
“That Amanda Bynes sure grew up didn’t she?” Xander winks at me and I wiggle the brows, the next thing I know a book comes sailin’ passed my head and it scares the shit outta Will as it booms on the table next to her.
“What’d I do?!” I look at B like she’s crazy. She’s lucky she wasn’t really tryin’ to hit me with that. Or I’m lucky, whatever. Point is, that woulda ‘caused some serious damage.
“You know what you did, pervert, she’s like 18!”
“For your information, Curt Schilling, she’s…” I look at Xander for help. “How old is she Xand?”
“Twenty,” He provides helpfully.
“See, twenty, fair game for ogling.” I put my hands in front of my chest and mime titty bouncin’. This time a smaller book connects straight and true with my head. “OW!!” I rub where it hit. “Buffy! No frickin’ fair! I don’t throw books at you when you ogle your crushes.”
“What crushes?!”
“Oh, do I have to tell everyone, B?” I say with a sinister grin.
“Yeah, ‘cause I don’t have any crushes! So who cares?”
“I seem to remember, one certain slayer…”
“Faith, I’ve got one of Giles’ compendiums right in my hand!” She holds it up to show me.
Giles rushes in and snatches it away from her. “Buffy, please, not Grosner’s compendium,” Heh, good lookin’ out G-man. I give B a smug look. “Here, use Fink’s, it’s much more dense, and less expensive.”
“Et tu, G-man?” I narrow my eyes at him.
“I think I’ve got it!!”
Saved by a Willow.
“Whatcha got, Will?”
“The last two lines, look!” She shoves it over to me. It’s in Latin and Dawnie who’s been lookin’ over my shoulder picks it up and looks at it more closely.
“Faith can’t read Latin.” She knits her brows and reads to herself.
Giles gives me a look and I shrug at him.
“What do you think, Dawnie?” Will says.
“Change the ad to an id and I’d say you were in business.”
Buffy catches my eye and she’s still shootin’ daggers.
Fuck, why do I gotta mess with her? She’ll hold out on me again tonight, she’s been doin’ that lately. Mostly because it works.
I’m such a pussy. When I don’t get any pussy. Heh.
But I’m dumb, so I gotta push.
“How long’s it been since you heard from Sensei, B?”
She stiffens and her grip around the book tightens. I hope Giles didn’t want that one.
It fuckin’ pisses me off that she’s still so quick to violence, though. We’ve been goin’ out for about a year now, and she’s still strugglin’ with rule number one.
No one would believe that it’s not me that’s quick to hit. But whatever. As long as their precious Buffy’s rep is intact, they’ll overlook her violent streak.
Fuck, I’ve managed to go from playful to black cloud in about a minute. I better go do somethin’ else.
“Faith, where’re you going?” Buffy calls out.
“I have a class I have to teach in fifteen minutes. See you at home.”
I can hear a chair screech along the floor and someone that sounds very near to Buffy’s height and weight is rushin’ to catch up.
Yeah, I can tell just by the way someone walks or runs, or breathes for that matter, how tall they are and much they weigh. And usually their perfume is a dead giveaway. Like hers, it makes my heart race.
“Faith!” She stops behind me. “What’s the matter?”
“Nothin’s the matter, Buffy; why’s somethin’ gotta be the matter? I gotta go teach.”
That doesn’t fly with her apparently, ‘cause she’s pullin’ me by my shirtsleeve and tryin’ to get me to turn around.
“I don’t get a goodbye kiss?”
Oh, yeah, god forbid her highness doesn’t get a kissy. She waits all huffy, shiftin’ her weight to her other foot.
I lean in and kiss her nose, and turn and run up the stairs.
“You’re so in trouble later!!”
I know, I’m always in trouble. What’s new?
*****
“Faith, out with it!” Will barks at me.
“Out with what, Will?”
“Out with what’s been eating at you for the past hour.”
“Whadda ya mean?”
“I mean, why there’re girls runnin’ from the room in tears, and the bag over there is broken.” She points to the sandbag that’s all busted and in a pile on the floor.
I shrug.
“Faith…”
“What?!” I snap and then instantly feel guilty about it, so I turn away.
“Does it have to do with Buffy’s crush?”
That makes me laugh.
“It’s got to do with everything and nothin’, Will. It’s ok, though, I’ll deal.”
“No you won’t, you’ll let it fester and then it’ll come out in explodey ways. So, again I ask you to spill. Please?”
I sigh defeated.
Fuck, I’m tired of feelin’ like this, like I still don’t matter. I’m tired of everyone havin’ to come after me and gettin’ me to share.
I’m just tired.
“Is the stress of your anniversary coming up getting to you?”
I stiffen.
“Did you forget you had an anniversary coming up?” Willow says more concerned than before.
“No, I didn’t forget. It’s…”
“Complicated?” She says at the same time I say, “Hard for me to say.”
“I thought so, so why don’t you come and talk to me?” She nods her head towards her office.
“Will, you don’t have to do this, really.”
“Faith, it’s nothing, it’s just two friends chatting, right?”
“No, it’s one fucked up friend telling another how fucked up she is.”
“Faith, what’s wrong?” She sounds a bit more alarmed.
We go into the office and I sit down on her couch with a huff. I’m sweatin’ from the workout I put the girls through, but I don’t give a shit, even though it’s uncomfortable ‘cause it makes me stick to the leather.
Willow goes to her cabinet and pulls out a towel, “As nice a visual it is to have a sweaty slayer on my couch, you look pretty uncomfortable all sticking to the upholstery.” She tosses it over to me.
“Thanks.”
She then goes over to her mini fridge and gets a bottle of water out.
“Heads up,” She throws that too and I catch it with my other hand.
“Again, thanks.”
“Are you all comfortable now?”
“Yeah, I am.”
“Good,” She sits next to me and taps my arm. “Spill.”
I’m done with this bullshit, I go to spill, but not in the way she wants me to. I tip the open bottle of water upside down and get this weird satisfaction of watchin’ it start to spill out.
It doesn’t get very far from the mouth of the bottle. Witchfu points her finger at it and holds it up into the bottle.
Can’t fuckin’ beat that one. I just better spill for real.
“What’s bugging you?”
“Why no one thinks that I can do stuff, like the translations, Dawnie just assumes I don’t know Latin.”
“You know Latin?”
“Yeah. See?”
“Woah, sorry, Faith. I didn’t know that. Buffy never said.”
“Buffy doesn’t know.”
“So let me get this straight, you didn’t tell anyone, but you expect people to know.”
“I’m just sayin’, no one asked me.”
“Do you want to see the spell?”
“Nah, Dawnie proofread, but all I’m sayin’ is everyone thinks I’m just a grunt, a big stupid meathead.”
“I don’t think that, Faith. And I’m pretty sure no one else does, especially not Buffy.”
“Wow, Will. I feel so much better, thanks.” I go to get up and she pulls me back down.
“Somehow I don’t think that’s all that was bothering you.”
“Willow.”
“Faith.”
“Hey, look, we have that thing comin’ up, let’s talk about this then.”
“I have a feeling you’re gonna need to get it out before then.”
“Just let it go, Will.”
“I won’t, Faith.”
“WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME WILLOW?! YOU WANT ME TO TELL YOU I DON’T WANT A RELATIONSHIP ANYMORE?! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?!”
She looks like a lion just roared in her face, and I guess one just did.
The look on her face goes from surprised, to puzzled, to concerned and finally upset.
“Y-you wanna…you wanna break up wi-with Buffy?”
I get up and go over to the window.
“I don’t know what I want, but I know I feel like I’m drownin’.”
She lets out a shaky breath; I guess she got more than she bargained for.
“Dr-drowning?”
“Yeah, like…like the walls are cavin’ in, and I can’t breathe or somethin’.”
“Y-you were just bantering back and forth in the library an hour ago, how did it get that bad that fast?”
“It just didn’t happen like that. Buffy’s got that thing to go to next week, she’ll be gone for a month. With Satsu.”
“Oh…”
“Yeah, oh.”
“Faith, you don’t think…”
“Exactly,” I cut her off, “I don’t think, that’s why I get into these messes.”
She gets up and I can sense that she wants to come over to me. I really don’t wanna be such a bitch, but I’m not sure how else to act right now.
“I think you think too much, sometimes.” She puts her hand on my shoulder and I shrug it away.
“Whatever.”
“Faith, stop that right now!”
“Look, I gotta go.”
“Faith!! SIT!!” She points at the couch.
“I ain’t no dog, Willow.”
“Yes, well…sit, please.”
“No, I’ll stand, say whatcha gotta and then I’m gone.”
“Get some, get gone, huh?”
“Fuck you.”
“No, fuck you!”
“Is this what you wanted me here for?! So we tell each other to go fuck ourselves?”
“No, I brought you here so you could tell the truth.”
“About what?!”
“About being scared,”
“Of what?!” I laugh and I don’t like how it sounds. I sound like the Mayor’s Faith. Chump Faith.
“Of Buffy leaving you for Satsu, when she’s in England.”
That makes my face go steely and my fist ball up. I can feel the muscles in my jaw twitch.
She keeps goin’. “I think it’d be best if I told her how you felt, ya know, soften the blow a bit, coming from a friend.”
“How I feel?”
“That you don’t want a relationship anymore.”
Willow doesn’t know how close she is to getting her teeth knocked out; if she did she’d stop the bullshit from spillin’ out of her mouth.
“Isn’t that right, Faith?”
“Fuck, this Willow, I don’t appreciate you tryin’ your shrink bullshit out on me. I’m gettin’ the fuck outta here, and unless you want to put a spell on me I suggest you step the fuck aside.”
She moves outta the way and I leave her office. I feel like puttin’ my head through every wall I see.
After I shower in record time, I leave the school and bypass the normal places I’d go, usually some of the instructors go to a coffee bar not far from here to talk strategy, or just talk.
I don’t really feel like bein’ around anyone right now though.
My phone rings as I’m walkin’ and I pull it outta my pocket.
It’s Buffy.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah?”
“Hey, what’s up?”
“Yeah?”
“Buffy, sorry, I didn’t realize it was you, what’s up?”
“I thought you were coming home right after your class.”
“I stopped to talk to Will.”
“I know, she called me.”
Oh fuck! My heart is beatin’ so hard in my chest I think I can see it.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah, she said you left the school two hours ago.”
Two hours ago?! I thought I just left.
I stop and look around. Where the fuck am I? I look at a street sign. Boston Road. Heh.
I look at the cross street. 169th street.
Fuck, I’m in the Bronx, I didn’t even realize I was going this way.
“I uhh, lost track of time.”
“Are you coming home?”
That the million dollar question.
Home. My home with Buffy. One of the only homes I’ve never been kicked out of, or kicked in.
Standin’ somewhere I have no clue how I got there, I realize how much I love her and need her and want to be with her, and if Will told her what I said about not wantin’ a relationship anymore I’m gonna kill her.
“I’ll be there in an hour.”
“Ok, I’ll be waiting.”
I feel like I’m in some kinda movie where my girl’s somewhere and I gotta just make it in time to catch her from leavin’.
My feet listen to my heart and I start runnin’ like I’m in a race for time. People on the street must think the Flash is runnin’ down the sidewalk, I’m like a woman possessed.
When I finally get to our buildin’ I don’t even bother with the stairs, I go right to the fire escape and hoist myself up, climbin’ up to our kitchen window.
Buffy’s doin’ dishes at the sink and she breaks one when she jumps from the fright I gave her by lookin’ in the window.
She pushes it open, “Jesus Faith! Wh-“ I cut her off by slidin’ in over the sink and kissin’ her.
“You’re soaked,” She says when the kiss breaks. “Did you run all the way here?”
I nod.
“You could have gotten a taxi, Faith.”
“I just wanted to see you.”
“Are you ok?”
“No, but I love you.”
She laughs.
“I love you, too.” She pulls me the rest of the way in and hugs me to her. “You’re gonna need a shower.”
“I just need you.”
“No, you’re gonna need a shower, believe me.”
“I’ll go shower, but I need you to know somethin’ before I go.”
“What?” She sounds nervous.
Don’t fuckin’ chicken out here Faith, don’t say somethin’ smart assed.
“I was scared.” I look in her eyes while I say this and she’s lookin’ right back in mine. “I am scared.”
“Of what?”
“Of this.”
“Us?”
I nod my head.
“Why?”
“It’s everything I’ve ever wanted, and I don’t know how to keep it.”
She doesn’t answer right away; she’s still lookin’ in my eyes though. I feel her touch my soul.
“You don’t haveto know how to keep it. We’ll figure that out together.”
“I’m scared that Satsu is what you really want.”
Her face get’s a puzzled look on it, like she can’t believe how stupid I am.
“Why would you think that?”
“She’s better than me…in every way.”
“You taught her how to be better, you’re the best there is.”
“Yeah right.”
“Faith, I love you, and I’m damned sure not leaving you. I’m going to England to help with some of the new girls and to get Dawnie settled into where she’s gonna be teaching. Then I’m coming back here and making you the happiest woman on earth, night after night.”
“You already do that for me, every day.”
“Good, now that’s straightened out, go get in the shower, stinky.”
I laugh and I drag her off to the shower with me. Pullin’ her in clothes and all.
“Faith! This is chenille.”
“Like the Captain and Chenille?”
“I’m so kicking your ass.”
“I’m so licking yours.”
“You’re such…oh!”
I latch my lips onto her neck and bite.
Not breakin’ skin but just enough to let her know who she belongs to.
When I’m satisfied I let go of her skin and lick and suck it better. She sighs out and wraps one of her legs around mine.
“We’re gonna be ok, Faith. Ok?”
“Ok.”
“No running off like that again, you got that?”
“I got that.”
*****
“You be careful, you got that?!”
“Yes, Mistress Buffy.”
“I mean it, Faith! Anything looks weird and you get outta there fast.”
“Buffy, it’s an Academy where girls go to learn how to fight vampires and demons, everything is gonna look weird.” I laugh.
“Don’t be a smartass.” She looks annoyed.
“You, ok?”
“Just a little indigestion.”
“Can you take anything?”
“My doctor says Mylanta.” She smirks. HA! That’s the line from the commercial for that stuff. So clever and funny she is.
I lean in and give her a kiss on her beautiful smirk. God damn, I really hope that’s not the last time I get to do that.
Shit, I gotta stop thinkin’ such black thoughts. They’re really gettin’ to me.
“Did you go down and talk to Dee?”
“Yes, and she agreed with me.”
I breathe in real sharp and let out a sigh.
I fuckin’ called in the big guns to help me stop Buffy from wantin’ to go up to Boston to snoop around Vi and Rona’s hotel room, but they fuckin’ backfired on me.
Aunt Dee insisted she’d go with Buffy and take care of her. Uncle Jim backed her up and even Leah ganged up on me. That bitch, I’ll get her good. Joey’ll learn the lyrics to “Me So Horny” before he says his alphabet.
I guess I can’t fuckin’ stop Buffy from doin’ what she was born to do, be a pain in my ass. But I insisted she take audio and visual communication packs with her. I want to be able to see and hear exactly what’s goin’ on.
“Ok, I think that’s it, B.” I finish packin’ the shit she’ll need for Boston and then double check the spells she’ll take with her. Jules is goin’ with them, ‘cause she’s takin’ Latin in high school.
God help us.
“Take care of Dee and Jules.” I fuckin’ can’t believe they’re goin’ with her! The thought of it just makes me nuts. “I gotta jet.”
“Be good, Faith.”
I wink at her, “Always am, B.”
“Yeah right.”
We kiss and then in a flash I teleport outta there.
No time for poignant speeches, I’m already two minutes late.
*****
“Faith? Are you still sleepin’?”
I wonder how long she’s been knockin’, I teleported right to the bed. Score!
“Come in!”
“Are you decent?”
“No, but since when did that matter to you?”
She laughs and cracks open the door. I’m under the covers so she ain’t gettin’ an eyeful. ‘Sides, I got one of B’s nighties on.
Shoulda been an actress, it looks like I just woke up; I stretch and yawn makin’ it look authentic.
“Jazz said we should be ready to go in about fifteen.” She walks over to the bed and looks down at me. Fuckin’ smirk needs to be wiped off. “That’ll give you time to shower.”
“Yeah, that would be good.”
“Yeah, I thought so. Especially since you reek of Buffy.” She looks all smug at me.
Her nostrils flare and I can tell she’s rememberin’ her scent as she wiggles her brows. And that pisses me off just a little.
No, that pisses me off A LOT!
“Yeah, fuck, I’m busted, ok?!”
“Jeopardizing the mission for a little nooky?”
“Nothin’ was jeopardized and if you don’t wanna lose an eye and be called Xander Jr., you’ll fuckin’ stop referrin’ to Buffy as ‘a little nooky’.”
“Sorry.”
“Better.”
“But really, Faith. If people saw you…”
“Satsu, no one saw me, the only one to see me, well, two people saw me. Buffy, and my Aunt. And I trust Buffy with all that I am and all that I’ll ever be, and I trust my Aunt with Buffy, so you do the math on that one.”
“I’m sorry.” She really sounds it too.
Man, she’s a big time leader and she’s all contrite ‘cause I gave her what for. I mean, I’d call her better than me, but I do have some self respect and I’m competitive, if not a little bit reckless, but she listens to me, go figure.
I see the appeal of the submissive little misses like her. I shouldn’t be sayin’ stuff like that.
But, B, in a Kimono, with jet black hair?! Damn! I have to shake my head of that thought. Whew!
“It’s ok.”
“How was she?”
What the fuck?!
I raise an eyebrow at her.
“I mean, how did she feel?”
She gets the other brow.
“Faith! You know what I mean!! How’s Buffy doing?!”
Heh.
I like to see Smartsu squirm.
We don’t do this kinda thing in front of the crew though, don’t wanna give them an excuse to break rank.
Break rank. Heh.
Shit, we’re so military now, it’s crazy. Next, we’ll be wearin’ uniforms and salutin’ and shit. Well, Andy salutes Xander when he sees him and Xander does like wearin’ uniforms.
Oh hell, we’re a slayer army, that’s for sure.
“She felt great, in more ways then one.” I wink.
She flips me the finger.
I guess that’s our salute.
*****
“Faith, just on your right, under there.” Jazz points to something that looks like a head.
Oh fuck me, no! I close my eyes and pick up the piece of debris coverin’ it and wait to hear the reaction.
Jazz and Andrea are crackin’ the fuck up, and I open my eyes.
Fuckin’ Freddy Krueger mask on a wig stand, one of Xand’s decorations for his office. Shit man, he paid beaucoup bucks for this thing ‘cause it was actually used in one of the movies. He’s gonna shit his pants.
That is if he’s still got pants to shit.
“Let’s keep movin’. We’re almost done.” Only two more floors to go.
“Look at all the fuckin’ rats, shit, if we build back here we’re gonna have to exterminate, big time.”
“Ugh, I’ve almost stepped on six of ‘em.” Jazz says, “I better not get rat blood on these shoes.”
“Anyone else think their behavior is weird?” Andrea says.
“They’ve just lost their home and probably half of their families, you’d be actin’ weird, too.”
“No, Faith. Look. Some are running away, well a lot are running away, but these over here, they look like they’re trying to tell us something.”
“Yeah, they’re sayin’ bring us some fuckin’ cheese, we’re starvin’.”
Jazz and I laugh as Andrea’s still lookin’ at the rats.
“Hey, there’s that bird we saw yesterday, and why aren’t those cats trying to kill it?”
“Who knows? Maybe they’ve been trained by Doctor Fuckin’ Doolittle. Can we focus here, we’ve got one floor to go.”
Buffy’s voice crackles in my ear.
“We’re in, Faith. Nothing looks out of the ordinary. I’m pretty sure no one’s been here since we saw it last.”
I hear retchin’.
“What the fuck was that?!”
“Aunt Dee didn’t do so well with the teleport.” Buffy lowers her voice. “The maid is gonna get a surprise in the potted tree just inside the door.”
“Fuckin’ hell, B! You gotta clean that up before people realize what’s goin’ on!”
“You’re telling, Ms. Spews-a-lot, to clean that up?!”
Fuck, she’s right. I knew this was a bad idea.
“What about Jules?”
“She said if she had to clean it, we’d be mopping her up off the floor.”
Goddamnit!!! All their fuckin’ bitchin’ at me about ‘Don’t worry, Faith, we can handle it, we’ll do anything Buffy needs!’ and they’re fuckin’ fallin’ apart already. What happens if they come across a demon?!
Why do I fuckin’ let Buffy railroad me into lettin’ her do what I don’t want her to do?!
Oh, yeah, that’s right. I’m in blind fuckin’ love with the woman of my dreams and she loves me just as blindly.
And I’m whipped.
I concentrate on not yellin’ into the mouth piece.
“Faith, I know you’re upset, I can tell by your breathing. But I’ve got it under control; I’ll take care of it.”
“Buffy, you just take care of what you need to, I’ll come in for clean up.”
“How long do you think you’ll be?”
“I dunno…”
Satsu’s voice crackles in, “Probably about another hour or so, you’ve only got that last floor and it’s mostly just training rooms.”
She’s back at the command center, keepin’ and eye on things here and in Boston.
“Thanks, Chief. So, B, I’ll see you in about an hour or so, give or take.”
“Ok, I’ll wait for you here.”
“You don’t have to, you do what you need to and get back to the house, I’ll take care of things from here on out.”
She mutters somethin’ I don’t quite catch, but Satsu did ‘cause she’s chucklin’.
“WHAT?!” That fuckin’ just got on my last nerve.
“God, Faith, eardrums!”
“What did you say?!”
“I said ‘Seacrest out!’ What’s the big deal?”
“Yeah, right!”
“Whatta ya mean, ‘Yeah right?!’”
“Why’s Snarky laughin’?”
“Hey, leave me out of this, I just chuckled.”
“Faith, what’s the matter?!”
“Nothin’ ok, just fuckin’ nothin’!”
“Faith…”
The next thing I hear through the earpiece makes me shit my pants, have a heart attack, a stroke and piss myself all at once.
“AIEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
“Buffy?!” Satsu yells.
I’m not even sayin’ goodbye to Jazz and Andrea, “Faith out!” Is all they get and I teleport into the hotel room.
“What the fuck’s goin’ on?!”
Jules and Aunt Dee are up on the bed, while B is up on a chair.
Heh. If the fuckin’ demon’s could see her now.
Scared of a coupla rats.
It’s weird, they look kinda friendly, almost like they got somethin’ to tell us.
“Get them, Faith!”
“Madonna Mia! This is a five star hotel! You’d think they’d have no problems with rodents.”
“Faith, is everything ok there? I can’t see anything, looks like someone’s head’s in the way.”
“Well, we’ve found out the weakness of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.”
“What?!”
“Well Superman has kryptonite. My baby has rats.”
“Faith, shut up and get them!!”
“B, they’re just rats! Look, they’re cute.”
“Faith!!”
“B, look at the rats!!”
“No!!”
“But they’re rats! They’re so ratty!!”
Rats…
Fuck, rats.
“Satsu, Jazz, Andrea! Round up every rat you can find!”
“I’m on it!” Andrea says, “I’m getting the other animals, too!”
Oh you fuckin’ beautiful genius Willow.
Good fuckin’ show, Will. Good fuckin’ show!!!
