Chapter 4- Oh Come Let Me Adore Her
Alicia and I get to just outside the apartment and I fumble around for my key. I know we coulda teleported into the apartment, but I didn’t wanna frighten anyone. I mean we didn’t call, so it might have startled Buffy or the baby, or both.
Alicia’s patiently waitin’ for me to dig into my jeans to find the key, and shit, it’s not here. I didn’t bring any keys with me. Duh.
I give her a sheepish grin and she rolls her eyes and reaches into her pocket and hands me her set of keys.
“Thanks.”
“Not a problem.”
Things are dark and quiet in the apartment. I tip toe around and whisper to Alicia, “Where’s the baby’s crib?”
“In the spare room.”
“She got the monitor in Dawn’s room?”
“No, she’s irresponsible and letting Mia cry and scream for her while she sleeps away.”
I narrow my eyes at her.
“You don’t hafta be smart about it.”
“Well then, don’t be dumb.” She says all snotty like and it reminds me of Cordelia. I stick my tongue out at her. “Oh yeah, real mature. You better smarten up before you go in there, no acting like a stubborn, pig-headed child.”
“I’ll try.”
“I told you don’t try just do.”
I want to call her Yoda, but that’s what I call Giles, and also I’m scared of her punchin’ me in the throat if I joke around one more time.
“So, she’s in Dawnie’s room.”
“Yes.”
“Should I have called first?”
“I’m pretty sure she’s expecting you. I told her where I was going when I left here earlier, and that I hoped to get you to come here.”
What?
“Then why the hell did you let me teleport to just outside the apartment?”
“You didn’t tell me your plans, and besides, it was fun watching you fumble around for your keys.”
“You suck, you know that?”
“I know, now quit stalling and get in there.”
She points towards the hall that will lead to Dawn’s room and Buffy.
And suddenly I don’t know what to say. I usually always got somethin’ to say, even when I shouldn’t. But now I’ve clammed up.
Great.
Alicia lays a gentle hand on my back, and just when I think she’s gonna rub it encouragingly, she pushes me in the direction I’m supposed to be goin’.
I start walkin’ towards the hall and it looks so freakin’ long. Kinda like in a dream where you’re at school and tryin’ to get to class on time but the hall just keeps gettin’ longer and longer and you know you’re gonna be late.
I’ve had a few of those dreams before. Especially after I dropped out. I guess it was a case of the guilts. Yeah, yeah, I know what I said back in SunnyD to Xand and Will, but I was lyin’. You’ve probably noticed I do that sometimes.
I stop when I get to the spare room, and look in on Mia. She’s sleepin’ just like Alicia says she does: Like a freakin’ dream. I want to pick her up, but I don’t wanna disturb her sleep. So I just bend down and give her a kiss on the head. She flinches a little and stretches out her arms but then just rolls over slightly and goes back to sleepin’ soundly. She lets out a tiny exhale.
Damn if that didn’t sound like Buffy just then.
Buffy, my B. She probably can feel that I’m here. She’d have to be deaf to not have heard us come in. I guess I better get in there.
I fix Mia’s blanket a little bit better and then quietly leave the room.
When I get in the room I can see Buffy’s in bed with her back turned towards me. I don’t really know what to do so I just stand there, lookin’ at her.
“Are you coming to bed?” She says without turning around.
My heart starts poundin’ really freakin’ hard and I’m mega nervous, but I start takin’ off my boots and pants and stuff. When I get down to my underwear and t-shirt I lift the covers and slip into bed behind her.
I just lay there turned towards her back not knowin’ what to do. A few minutes goes by before I can feel the bed shiftin’ and I realize she’s backin’ up into me. I immediately put my arm around her and breathe in the scent from her hair. It feels like fuckin’ comin’ home, even if we’re not home.
“Are you cold, baby?” I ask her, ‘cause I can feel the goose bumps on her arm. I kiss the side of her neck and she lets out a sigh. It sounds like she feels like she’s finally home, too.
“Not anymore.”
That kinda makes me feel bad and good at the same time. Kinda like how I feel a lot of the time anyway.
“I love you so much, B. I’m sorry.” I kiss her neck and shoulder a few dozen times.
“I know you do, and I know you are. It feels good to hear you say it though.”
I try to remember somethin’ and it fuckin’ breaks my heart that I can’t, so I ask her.
“How long’s it been, B?”
“Since you said it?”
“Yeah.”
She hesitates and I can hear her let out a small sad laugh. She shrugs.
“How long, baby?”
“The last time you told me you loved me was two months ago.”
Two months ago?! Holy fuck! Where’ve I been?!
She backs up a little more in to me. I don’t deserve it, but she’s tryin’ to give me some comfort. I tighten my grip around her body.
I finally get my voice back after a few moments and pray that when I speak it doesn’t sound too pitiful.
“I’ve always loved you, and I always will.”
She turns her head slightly and nods, she’ll accept that answer.
“B, I really don’t wanna ask this, mainly ‘cause it’ll make me sound like an even bigger asshole, but when’s the last time we…”
“Two months, five days and ummm…”
“You don’t need to tell me the hours.” I say right before I start bawlin’ into her neck.
It’s like I was here all that time, but I wasn’t. Only after she said that about me not tellin’ her I loved her, or us not havin’ sex for over two months do I remember it.
“Faith…”
“I’ll be ok in a sec, B. I’m sorry I’m gettin’ your neck all wet.” I pick the bottom of my t-shirt up and wipe my eyes with it.
“It’s ok…”
“No it’s not, but I plan on makin’ it up to you, if you’ll let me.”
It really gives me a boost of confidence that she doesn’t stop to think about her answer.
“Of course I’ll let you.”
“Why didn’t you kick my ass out, B? I was such a bitch.”
“Because you weren’t a bitch to Mia, you were wonderful, and you were working so hard. I figured you’d come around.”
“Until a few days ago, huh?”
“Well…”
“You can tell me, baby. I’m not gonna get upset.”
“I just couldn’t watch you do that to yourself anymore.”
“Myself?! I was doin’ it to you!”
“No, you try to push people away to punish yourself, Faith. I wanna understand why.”
That kinda floors me, that little revelation there. I do that, just like she said.
I’m not sure what to say. She and I’ve been through this so many times, it seems like anything I say will sound like an excuse.
Like the same old shit. Like I’m feedin’ her a line of bullshit just to get her thinkin’ I’m sharin’ a bit of myself and she’ll lap it up ‘cause I’m usually closed off when it comes to my deep down feelings.
Well, I respect her more than that, so I don’t do any of that. The truth is, I just don’t know how to tell her what I’m feelin’.
This stuff keeps happenin’ to us every few months, we go great for a while, then I retreat and she has to pull me back from within myself, but this time it was scarier, ‘cause I started becomin’ someone else.
“I’m startin’ to become my mother.” I manage to whisper into her neck.
She tries to turn over but I keep her in place.
“Faith, let me look at you.”
I shake my head and bury my face in her hair.
We stay like that for a few minutes, when she speaks it makes me cry.
“I can’t help you.”
Hearin’ that from her guts me like she never could, even with the mayor’s knife. Ever since I knew she existed, I’ve always thought of her as my savior. When I did see her, I thought of her as a hot as fuck savior, but still a savior. She was like my insurance policy. I could act all fuckin’ crazy, jump into shit without thinkin’ or carin’ ‘cause Buffy was there to save me. She had my back. I was what they call a big walkin’, talkin’ morale hazard.
“Don’t cry, baby.” She whispers and I try to stop myself. It sounds ugly, ‘cause I can’t get a hold of it. “On second thought, cry. You sound like a dying moose when you’re trying to stop.”
That makes me laugh. We’re both laughin’ and it feels fuckin’ awesome.
She shifts herself a little and it allows her to get a look at my face.
“I missed you,” She says after a moment, and it doesn’t sound like a lie.
“I’m sorry I made you miss me. I never mean to do shit like that, B.”
She smiles. Probably ‘cause I called her B. I didn’t even realize I was doin’ it. Weird how that can happen.
“I’m glad you came, I thought you might stay away for a while.”
“You really believe that?”
“I don’t wanna believe it, but the way you’ve been acting lately…”
“I know.”
“And you think you’re becoming your mother?”
“Yeah.”
“Do you think it’s some sort of mystical thing, should we get Will to check it out?”
“I already did, before she left. It’s nothin’ mystical.” I wish it was though.
“You’ve been beating yourself up for it.” She leans in and gives me a little kiss. “Can you tell me how this all started this time?”
‘This time’. See? This shit don’t stop.
“I’m not sure exactly. I just kept gettin’ this feelin’. Like I was…”
I stop and she waits patiently for me to find the right words, but they don’t come.
“Like you were suffocated?”
“No.”
“Held back?”
“From what?”
“From doing what you want.”
“Like what?”
“I don’t know…”
I know what she’s gettin’ at. Seems she’s got some demons, too.
“Like jumpin’ on a Harley and ridin’ across country, slayin’ at will, with nothin’ to tie me down, no cares in the world?”
She looks a bit spooked, I think I hit the nail on the head there.
“Nothin’ doin’, B. You’re stuck with me, no matter what.”
The look of relief on her face makes me feel a bit guilty. I guess she’s been feelin’ like I’m about to cut out on her. I tried to once, a couple years ago, but not because I was bored with her. I just felt like she could do better.
I lean in and give her a lovin’ kiss. I feel the goose bumps come out on her skin.
“Must be a draft in here,” I say when the kiss breaks.
“You’re cold?” She looks at me puzzled.
“No, your skin’s gettin’ all goosey.” I rub her arm.
“I’m just the opposite.”
“Hmm?”
“You always think I’m cold all the time.”
“Every time I see you your skin’s got the goose bumps.”
“That’s you.”
“What? I’m always too hot, you’re the one rushin’ to put sweaters on and shit.”
“No, Faith. When I get those goose bumps, that’s because of you.”
“You wanna explain that one a bit further?”
“Don’t you know every time you’re near me, you make me so hot I can’t think straight?”
Uh, what now? I mean, I know she thinks I’m sexy and stuff, but every time?
“Wait, so when I walk up behind you and I see your skin all bumpy it’s ‘cause…”
“I’m hot for you.”
Holy shit. She’s makin’ me hot now. Like H-O-T!
But should I be hot? Shouldn’t I be tryin’ to share this stuff with her?
She rubs my leg and I can’t really think of what I was supposed to be sharin’.
“I know we need to talk, Faith, but…”
I stop her from talkin’ by turnin’ her onto her back fully and placin’ myself between her legs. She gasps as I grind into her and it makes my heart pound so hard that my eardrums feel like they’re about to blow out with the force of my heart beat in them.
“What do you need, B?”
“Please…” She gasps. “It’s been so long…” Her hips grind up into mine forcefully.
“You need these clothes on?”
“Please, Faith, please.” She keeps gaspin’.
I guess she can’t think straight right now.
As I start takin’ her pajama top off we’re kissin’ like we haven’t seen each other in months, and I guess it’s actually true. But I’m gonna make it up to her tonight. I promise.
“You promise what?” She says breathlessly when we break for air.
Guess I said that promise out loud between hungry kisses.
“I’m gonna make you feel so good, baby. Make it all up to you.”
“I don’t wanna be selfish.”
“No,” I say as I take off her pajama bottoms and panties in one move. “You be as selfish as you want, tonight’s for you.”
“But Faith…”
“I know, we need to talk, we need to work out what’s with me, we’ll get to all that. Right now I need you so much.” I toss her clothes off to the side. “Need to love you right.”
I hope what I’m saying’s makes some kinda sense, ‘cause her scent’s strong and it’s gettin’ my head all fucked up. Hopefully I didn’t sound too cheesy.
She puts her hand on my head as I make my way down her body. Fuck, her skin is so soft, smells so good. I run my lips and cheek over it. She giggles a bit, I must be givin’ her tickles. Her grip on my head is tightenin’, she’s also added her other hand to my hair. Just a bit eager, my baby.
I can’t even think of what an ass I’ve been this whole time. I don’t wanna stop and disappoint her. And I know that kinda sounds stupid, but this is important to me, givin’ her pleasure like this. It’s the one thing I feel like I can do right.
When I’m almost down to my destination, I throw the covers completely off the bed so I can stretch out and get real comfortable. I’m about to tell her to spread her legs a little wider, but I don’t have to, as soon as my face is above her pussy her legs fall open more. I feel like she’s givin’ me an early Christmas present. Well, I guess it is technically Christmas Eve now. It’s after midnight and everything.
Looks like she might have been expectin’ this, her hair down here is neatly trimmed and waxed. I briefly feel a little bit jealous of whoever got to do this for her. Usually it’s my job, tendin’ to her thatch. But again, I’ve been an asshole.
She’s stretchin’ out on the bed and the next thing I know the light comes on. She turned on the bedside lamp.
Now I don’t only smell how ready she is, but I can see it.
“You see that, F? That’s all for you. No one else.”
That makes me smile and I blow on her over heated pussy. She lets out a small groan. Her hips are startin’ to squirm and I lift my head up to look at her. She’s got her eyes closed and her right hand makes its way to her breast, squeezin’ the nipple between her fingers. She loves that kind of simultaneous stimulation. Most of the time I’m all over her, givin’ her all I’ve got, usin’ my one hand on her pussy as I latch onto one nipple with my mouth and squeeze the other nipple in my other hand. But I don’t have time for all that, she’s about to shove her snatch in my mouth so hard she might break my neck, so I keep my hands in tight on either side of her pelvis and I hold her bottom half down onto the bed.
“Please, Faith!”
My tongue comes out and takes a taste. Oh, God! That’s fuckin’ good. I go back in for seconds and thirds and fourths… you get the point. I’m just goin’ to town and she’s groanin’ and ‘oh fuck’in’ and gaspin’ and I think she’s gonna come any minute. I get the urge to feel her spasm on my tongue, somehow it means the world to me right now. I replace my finger with my tongue and put my thumb on her clit, which allows her to hump her hips up into my face. Hard.
At this point I don’t care if she breaks my neck, I just don’t want her to do it until after she comes. It’s all that matters to me right now. I think I’m gonna get my wish soon, her clit is bein’ elusive and kinda spasmin’ around. It does that right before she pops the fuck off.
“Oh Faith, that’s it! Right there, baby. Oh fuck right there!”
Right there it is.
“Oh fuck! YES!” She yells and then flops back on the bed and her pussy is spasmin’ all over my tongue. I try to get my face in real close so I’m pushin’ in farther and twistin’ my tongue into her hole. I don’t care that I can’t really breathe too well right now. I’m a dedicated Slayer and a hell of a fuckin’ lover, I can take about ten minutes without breathin’.
After a few minutes, I’m busy lappin’ up all her juices and she’s busy tryin’ to pull my hair outta my head ‘cause she’s had enough stimulation. At least to her clit, that is, I guess I can work my magic on her tits now.
“Faith, no more. Really, baby. I can’t take it.”
I give a kiss to her pussy lips and clit and then bust out laughin’ when I get my first real look at her patch of pubic hair. She’s got the letters W and F shaved into it.
“W F, baby? What the fuck?” I laugh, tryin’ to wrack my brain for what it could mean. Maybe it means ‘what the fuck’. Nah, she’s more clever than that. “You forget another F? For the wrestlin’ thing?”
“That’s WWE now, remember?” She lets out a little giggle. I guess she’s happy with her little joke here, it must be a good one.
“Oh yeah, the other one has to do with wild animals.”
“Wild life.”
“Same thing, no?” I smile at her.
“You were an animal just now.” She smiles and winks as I crawl jungle cat-like up her body.
“I get nuts when I’m down there. Now, what’s with the letters?”
“They stand for ‘Welcome Faith’.”
I fuckin’ lose it laughin’ and flop over onto my back. She remembered what I told her about Angelus welcomin’ me with that huge sign on the roof of that buildin’ after Wes sprung me from the joint.
She crawls over to me and watches as I’m practically doubled over with laughter.
“You like it?” She asks, lookin’ all proud of herself.
“Who…who did it?!” I’m still laughin’ like I won’t ever stop.
“I did, in the mirror. I almost did the F backwards.”
“Oh, Jesus, Buffy that’s so fuckin’ funny!”
When I get control of myself again, she drapes her body on me. I see the goose bumps comin’ out on her arm again.
“You gettin’ all hot for me again, B?”
“No, cold. You threw all the covers down on the floor.” She pouts as she burrows further into my side.
“Hang on while I go get ‘em.”
I reluctantly leave the bed and gather up all the bed stuff, throwin’ it back on and tryin’ to get some of it around her so she can get all warm again and I hop back in bed with her.
All of a sudden she gasps like she just remembered she forgot to do something important.
“Oh Faith!” She looks horrified.
“What?!”
“Faith, Faith, Faith.” She says as she’s shakin’ her head.
“What, Buffy?! What?!”
I’m lookin’ at myself checkin’ for bullet holes. Who knows? Someone could have shot me while I was lovin’ on her. I wouldn’t have felt a fuckin’ thing.
“We just had sex!” She sounds like it was a mistake.
“Is that bad?” My stomach is sinkin’.
“In Dawn’s bed!”
I smile, she’s such a fuckin’ nut. While she’s contemplatin’ our fate if Dawn finds out, I launch myself on top of the blankets which are now on top of her.
“You crack me up, you know that?”
“You laugh now, wait until she comes back from D.C. with all that high tech, classified equipment she’s helping them develop. She’ll check the bed and then she’ll cut your balls off.”
Dawn’d probably do that too. She’d wait until Will helped me with the fertility spell and then use a machete to lop my junk off.
“I didn’t mean to…” I say between kisses I place on her face. “You used your feminine charms on me.”
“You mean I pushed your face in them.”
“That too.” I chuckle and then capture her lips in a deep kiss.
“Oh, baby. I needed that.” She says in a content sigh when the kiss breaks.
“The sex?” I’m pretty proud of how fast and hard I made her come.
“No, all of it. You, the laughing, the kissing and yeah, the sex. I needed it so much.”
“Me, too, B. Me too.” I go to say somethin’ but I think she realizes it was gonna be an apology.
“I know you’re about to apologize, Faith, but I wanna ask you something.”
“What is it, baby?”
“Why’d you think I’m going to leave you for someone else all the time?”
“Whatta ya mean?” I try to lie.
“When you were by yourself after I came here, you didn’t think of me being married to someone else?”
I don’t say anything, I figure I can’t get into trouble that way.
“Answer me or you’ll be in big trouble!” She pokes me in my side.
Heh. Guess I can’t have it my way. Burger King lied.
“Yeah, I did.”
“Who was it this time? Tom Brady? James Franco?”
“No, Phillip Seymour Hoffman.” I say like a smart ass answerin’ a smart ass.
“Really?” She says with that cute puzzled look on her face.
“No, not really. He was nobody, B. Just some tall, dark, handsome hunk of a guy who looked all stable.”
“Where were we? Mia’s wedding?”
Damn, she knows me all too well.
I shake my head.
“Dawn’s wedding?”
“No.”
“Andrew’s…”
“B!” I cut her off before she gets crazy. She loves fuckin’ with me, as much as I love fuckin’ her, I think.
“Well then where?”
“Mia’s graduation.”
“Oh, that’s nice. Who’d you bring? Some young little chippy?”
“No, I brought me, in all my drunken glory. I disgusted you, scared Mia and your two other kids, and your guy.”
She sighs.
“Faith, I don’t want any other guy, or girl, or kids for that matter.”
Huh?
She realizes what she just said and backtracks.
“Well, I mean, I do want more kids, but not anyone else’s.” She smiles a little sheepishly. “I want your babies. Baby.” She adds with a quirk of her eyebrow and then leans in to kiss me.
She’s so fuckin’ sweet.
“And I only want to have ‘em with you.”
She narrows her eyes at me and I brace myself for a threat. “You better, ‘cause if Dawn hasn’t cut it off yet, I would.”
“Oh Jeez, B. Stop threatenin’ my non-existent mystical penis!”
“You stop threatening it.” She playfully shoves my shoulder.
“You.”
“You.”
“I love you, B. Only you. Always you.”
We kiss and she brings her hand up to my face, rubbin’ my jaw, and smoothin’ her fingers over my cheek. When we pull back she’s lookin’ deeply in my eyes.
“Dawn’s gonna kill us.”
That makes me laugh again.
“But really, baby. I love you, too.” She says, when I look back in her eyes.
We kiss again for a few more minutes. After we break we settle down into each other.
“You saw Mia before coming in here?”
“Yep.”
“Did you fix her blanket for her like you usually do?”
“Yeah, she throws it off all the time, why’s she gotta do that?”
“Because she’s just like you.”
“Nuh-uh, B!”
“Yuh-huh, F!”
“Everyone says she looks like me and acts like me, but did you see that pout the other day when she wanted more food and you didn’t have any to give?”
“We might have to switch to solids soon, she’s gonna eat my boobs off.”
“Maybe she is like me.” I say with a shit-eatin’ grin.
“Oh shut up, boob eater.” She laughs.
“But really, I think she’s gonna have your nose.”
“It does look like it, doesn’t it?”
“Mmmhmm.” I pull her closer and squeeze her until she looks up at me. “Such a beautiful nose.” I lean down and kiss it.
“Ugh, you always say that. Why don’t you let me get it fixed?”
“What and fuck it up?”
“It wouldn’t.”
“How do you know?”
“I know,” She shrugs. “Besides, how do you know it would?”
“I know,” I shrug like she did.
“But how?”
“Oh Christ, Buffy! I just know!” She stiffened when I said, ‘Buffy’ like that. I gotta explain some stuff to her. “Look, I don’t want you to go changin’ nothin’, B. Not even the nose you hate, because I love that nose, it’s yours and I love you. Now if it were a situation where you had to change it for health reasons, or ‘cause it was touchin’ your cheek or somethin’ well then, I’d tell you to go ahead. But everyone loves your nose, it’s awesome. So please, don’t change it.”
“Ok, ok. I won’t.” She mumbles. “Sheesh.”
“And about me callin’ you Buffy. I do call you Buffy now and then, don’t I?”
“Yeah…” She’s waitin’ to see where this goes.
“Well, me callin’ you that shouldn’t be a big deal.”
“But Faith, you called me that all the time.”
“Not one, ‘B’, huh?”
“Not one, it was scary.”
“Why didn’t you say somethin’?”
“I tried, you told me I was imagining it.”
Oh God, I suck so hard.
“Why didn’t you just punch my face?”
“We made a pact in Scotland, no hitting, remember? Besides, I wanted to so many times, I was worried I was becoming a wife beater.”
“You should have, I deserved it.”
“No, Faith. No one deserves that. If two people are having a problem they work it out civilly. If they can’t work it out they leave each other.”
“I give you permission, if I’m acting like that again, don’t just leave me, beat the shit outta me.”
“Faith…”
“No, believe me, I’d prefer it.”
“See? That’s just it.”
“What?”
“You always want to beat yourself up, always want to be punished, so you punish yourself.”
I remember something from my child hood.
“What did she do to you, Faith?”
Buffy’s voice startles me from my thoughts.
“Who?”
“Your mother.”
I look towards the wall and out the window. B snuggles in to my side a little further. I listen to her even breathin’ and it gives me strength.
“What didn’t she do?”
“What set you off this time?”
I shrug.
“Faith.” She warns.
“Somethin’ Will said. I think.”
“What?”
Shit, I don’t even really remember.
“I’m not sure anymore.”
“But it was so bad that it made you go in a major funk.”
“I think it was somethin’ like ‘We all become our mothers when we’re older.’”
“Oh God, Faith. She said that because I had said I was looking at these cute loafers and then Dawn said a cardigan, sensible slacks and a blouse would go great with them. You thought it was funny.”
“It was. But then I started gettin’ broody, and I couldn’t stop myself. By the time I realized anything was wrong, it was too late. I didn’t even know until Francie pointed it out to me.”
“It’s never too late. You hear me?” Then she realizes what else I said. “What did Francie point out to you?”
“The whole me callin’ you Buffy and not B thing.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, she’s a smart one, huh?”
“She sure is.”
“I hope Mia’s as smart as her one day.”
“Mia’s gonna be smart like her mother.”
“You, right? ‘Cause I’m way dumb.”
“Faith, stop. Ok? Stop.”
I stop. We fight about this all the time, too.
“I know, I’m smart.”
“Yeah, like Fredo.”
“Fredo’s smaht! He knows things!” I do it like Fredo did in The Godfather.
“You practically run the whole show here. How do you think everyone’s been able to take a vacation? No one else is here! It’s all you, baby. You’re running it like a machine! You think a dumb person could do that?”
“No…”
“No, of course not, and do you know why?”
“Why?”
“Because they don’t have what you do. You might not know all the fancy words of someone who went to college…”
“Or graduated high school…”
“Or that either. Who needs to graduate? Technically I didn’t.”
“You had all the grades there, you went to college.”
“Barely.”
“Stop doin’ that, B. You’re smart!”
“Exactly, and I didn’t have to sit in class to be that way. You’ve got street smarts and you read anything you get your hands on. Most people have one or the other, you’ve got both, baby. You’ve also got intuition.”
“Every Slayer has that.”
“But yours is different. You would have great instincts even if you weren’t a Slayer.”
She’s right, I was pretty good at figurin’ shit out. Guess you have to when you’re on your own from a really young age.
We’re quiet for a little bit, then she uses her probin’ tactics again.
“It was Nico wasn’t it?”
My eyes narrow at that name.
“What was Nico?”
“The guy I was married to.”
“When?”
She sighs, “In your vision.”
Heh. I knew what she was talkin’ about, I just wanted to fuck with her a bit.
“Yeah.” I confess.
“You know I think he’s the biggest creep in Creepville, don’t you?”
“No, I didn’t know that.”
“Oh yeah, he’s even creepier than Snyder.”
“No, way, B. No one’s creepier than Snyder!”
Fucker looked like Hitler to me. All small and beady eyed.
We’re quiet for a bit. She breaks the silence again.
“You’re not becoming her. You’ll never be her.”
“You don’t know that, B.”
“I do know that. You told me yourself, she never wanted to have you, she tried everything she could to miscarry.”
“Yeah, so?”
“So?! So?!”
Oh fuck, I did it now.
“You would die for Mia, you almost did! You protected her and me so well when we were trying to find out what happened with the gang. You love her so much, always making sure she’s warm enough, fed enough, dry enough. Christ, you don’t even let the poop smell waft through the room before you’re up and changing it. I don’t even know how you do that. What did you do? Have Will conjure you up a poop detector spell? Special diapers?”
“Nah, you don’t know that red face that she makes is her poop face?”
“Oh, that’s what that is? I thought she was getting mad.”
“Yeah, ‘cause she has so much to be mad about.” I laugh.
“I don’t know, babies can get mad, they think.”
“Well her red angry face is an ‘I’m about to make a surprise in my pants’ face.”
She laughs and hits me softly in the arm.
“See that though? You know her, you know what she needs, you give her everything she needs and even stuff she doesn’t because it’ll be good for her. Like those Baby Mozart tapes. She doesn’t know she’s learning anything from them, she just will and it’s all because of you.”
She’s right. Damn, I’ve been so worried about becomin’ my mother that I got all broody and I really was becomin’ her, to a point. I’ll never be just like her though. She was her own brand of evil.
I can’t understand why though, she had such a good life. I better watch myself, I’ve got a great life too. There but for the grace of God, right?
I’m not particularly religious, but I guess some shit’s always gonna be ingrained. Like crossin’ yourself. I was drivin’ over into Jersey the other day and I passed a hearse that was loaded up with a casket, I guess it was gettin’ off at one of the exits for the big Cemetary over there. Holy Smoley or somethin’. Anyway, when I realized it was a hearse I crossed myself. Then I kinda felt stupid for doin’ it. But there’s no denyin’ that things we’re taught from a young age we carry with us forever.
“What’re you thinking about, baby?” B asks quietly, before kissin’ my cheek.
“Thinkin’ about Mia, and that I am a good mother to her.” I wasn’t lyin’ somewhere in those jumbled thoughts I did think of that.
“See I told you.” She says and then kisses me again. “Let’s get some sleep, Faith. We need to get up early and steam clean and disinfect the sheets. Better yet, we should send them down the incinerator. She’ll never know they’re gone.”
“These are her Porthault sheets, B. She’s gonna know they’re missing!”
“Faith! These are the Port…Oh MY GOD! Get the baby, let’s get out of here!”
“Relax, B.”
“No, no! I can’t we have to go!” She starts to get up but I hold her back.
“Buffy, don’t worry. We’ll clean them.”
“HOW?! These are…oh my god, Faith. How far do you think we can move?!”
“B! Calm down!”
“She has one rule, Faith, one rule! Do you remember that rule?”
“Whatever you do…” I start.
“…don’t have sex in my bed!” She finishes for me. “Oh, we’re gonna die!”
“B! I’m not wakin’ the baby so we can drag her out in the cold. We’ll sleep here tonight, then get the maid to clean before Dawn gets back.”
“You better pray she doesn’t come back sooner. We better pay her over time to work tomorrow.”
“We will.”
“Oh my god, I can’t believe I did that. I didn’t even know I was sleeping on…”
“Ten thousand dollar sheets?”
“Where the hell did she get that kind of money is what I wanna know!” Buffy starts to go off on that tangent and I pull her back from the brink.
“Obama’s people gave them to her, as sort of a down payment.”
Buffy sighs, “Well at least she didn’t pay for them herself. Shame though, I thought the new government would stop the excess.”
“You really think they paid for them?”
“Oh, I don’t know what to think anymore.”
“Well, I think we should do what you said and get some sleep.”
“We’ll talk more tomorrow?”
“About what coffins we’ll be buried in when Dawn gets back? Sure.”
“Don’t kid! Really, Faith.”
“Yes, we’ll talk more tomorrow.”
I give her a lovin’ kiss and we whisper our love for each other and we drift off to sleep, after recoverin’ from shittin’ our pants.
Dawn’s hardcore.
Christmas 1983
“You’re such a loser! You think I’d really do that?!”
“Yes, I think you’d do that, you say you’re kidding but you do some crazy stuff.”
“Fuck you! Who the fuck are you anyway?! Some junky I met in a den and you think you know more about raisin’ kids than me?”
“Oh come off it Kate, you don’t raise that baby. You barely feed her!”
“Why you tryin’ to fuck with me, A?”
“I’m not trying to do anything, I just asked why you had that needle in your hand when you were over at Faith’s crib?!”
“I was lookin’ down at my precious baby, alright?! I didn’t notice I had the needle in my hand. Ok?!”
“Give it to me.”
“Here, have it, what the fuck do I care! You stupid bitch, thinkin’ I would do somethin’ like that to my own fuckin’ flesh and blood, you’re fuckin’ nuts is what you are!”
“I’m sorry, Katie, I just wanted to know, ok? You’re high, you could have slipped and jabbed her, even if the junk didn’t get into her system, you could damage her skin, she could get cotton fever…”
“Alright, enough, ok?! I know. I’m sorry. Baby’s fine, ok?”
“Ok.”
“What time is it?”
“2:30.”
“A.M. or P.M?”
“P.M.”
“My parents’ll be havin their Christmas brunch. Fuck ‘em.”
“They invited you, why don’t you go?”
“All fucked up on junk?”
“You’d be ok in another hour or so, why don’t you take Faith to see ‘em.”
“I’m goin’ to go take a nap, you can take her if you want.”
“But I don’t even know where your mother lives.”
“Number’s on the wall there. Why don’t you let your fingers do the walkin’? I’ll probably be out when you get back, don’t fuckin’ wait up.”
“Merry Christmas, Kate.”
“Fuck you too, Alicia.”
Ten minutes later
What’s the big deal, Alicia? You just pick up the phone and call her house. You just call Giulia’s house. You would have done it all the time in Sicily, had you had a phone.
Just dial! Faith could have a decent Christmas. That’s it, I’m dialing!
Oh Madonna mia, it’s ringing.
“Hello?”
“Uh, yeah. Uh.”
“Who’s this?”
“It’s a friend of Kate,”
“My sister?”
“Yeah. She wanted me to bring the baby over to see yas.”
“She’s not comin’?”
“No, she doesn’t feel very well.”
“She’s messed up on that shit, isn’t she?”
“Dee Dee! You’re using language like that on Christmas?!”
Oh fuck, it’s her.
“Ma, this is one of Kate’s friends, she’s not feelin’ well so she won’t be comin’ over. Kate said they should drop the baby off.”
“Tell him to come over.”
“Ma, first of all, it’s a woman, second of all…”
Damn, she muffled the phone so I can’t hear, but I know what she’s saying anyway. She probably thinks I’m a junky too and would just come over to eat their food and then rob them of their presents and more. I don’t blame her. I’ve seen Katie do worse.
Tonight I think she would have shot Faith up with that heroin and killed her if I hadn’t have come in the room. That makes me sick to my stomach. I have to get this little girl away from her.
“Hello?”
Oh my fucking God, as Katie likes to say. It’s her.
I put on more of a Southie accent.
“Yeahah?”
“What’s your name if you don’t mind me asking?”
I panic, “Alice.” Oh, how stupid! How so very stupid!
“Well, Alice. You’re more than welcome to come join us if you’d like, we’re just about to get things started here. We’re having a good old Italian/Irish brunch.”
“What, cannoli and Guiness?”
I made her laugh, damn, it hurts to hear that after all these many lonely years, but it’s beautiful, too.
“Oh, that’s funny! Wait a moment, let me tell my husband that one.”
I wait while she tells Matt my joke and I can hear him roar with laughter and say, “Tell her to c’mon over, we’ve got plenty!”
“Did you hear that, Alice?”
“I did, thanks, but I’m afraid I can’t. I gotta go see my Ma and Pa, they’ll be expectin’ me.”
“Oh, that’s a shame. Well, can you drop Faith off on your way?”
“I don’t have a car and I don’t wanna take her on no bus, ya know? Kate doesn’t exactly have any bundle up clothes for her here.”
I can hear her heart break and I instinctively know she’s crossing herself.
“Oh Madonna mia.” I hear her whisper.
“Can’t you send one of your sons with the car?”
She hesitates a bit and then answers, “Yes I could, Alice, I could send one of the boys. I will, thanks.”
“No problem. I’ll be waitin’.”
“Goodbye, Alice.”
I get a weird feeling about the emphasis she put on my semi-fake name there.
“Goodbye, Mrs.” I stop myself, I’m not really supposed to know her name, am I?
“Fitzpatrick, but you can call me Giulia, or Gee Gee if you prefer, all my friends and family do.”
“I’m not exactly a friend or family though, Mrs. Fitzpatrick.”
“Ah, but any friend of my granddaughter’s is a friend of mine. You’ll stay with her and make sure she’s safe won’t you?”
“Huh?”
“Until my son gets there, of course.”
“Oh yeah, of course.”
“Good. Well, Merry Christmas, Alice and thanks again for calling.”
“You’re welcome. Merry Christmas to you, too.”
After she hangs up it takes me a good five minutes to snap out of it and hang the phone up to wait for her son.
I bundle Faith up as best I can, and then I pack what little clothes she has. I don’t know how she hasn’t caught pneumonia yet layin’ around in her dirty diaper and a little t-shirt. Poor girl.
I hope she won’t have to come back to this nightmare again.
“Faith, what’s the matter, honey?”
I shake my head and look over at the clock. 2:50. That’s fuckin’ freaky.
“Faith, what was it?”
“Bad dream, B. Just a bad dream.”
“Well, lay back with me, I’ll make ‘em all go away.”
The baby monitor crackles to life with the sound of Mia cryin’.
“Gotta go get the little one, baby. Sounds like she’s hungry and maybe a little wet.”
“I recognize the hungry, cry. That’s for sure.” She smiles at me as I turn on the lamp and blind her. “Faith!” She’s laughin’ and tryin’ to get her eyes to adjust as I make a bee line for the spare room.
“Alicia?” I call out, thinkin’ maybe she’s still here. I forgot, she said she was goin’ over to Pam’s. I’ll have to talk to her about that dream tomorrow.
When I get to the spare room Mia’s on her stomach and holdin’ her head up smilin’ at me. It’s like she knew I was here and was just waitin’ for me.
I pick her up and pepper her with kisses. “There she is, there’s my girl!” I coo at her and she squeals, all happy to see me.
“Who’s a good baby? Hmm? Who?”
Her arms and legs are goin’ in every which way, it’s so fuckin’ funny how I can get her all excited like this.
“Faith, is she wet?”
“Yep, I’m gonna just change her, we’ll be a minute.”
“Why change her now? She’s just gonna…oh never mind, you do what you need to do.”
Damn right I’m gonna do what I need to, I’m not lettin’ her sit around in a diaper she wet probably an hour ago. I’ll change her and if she wets that one then she gets changed again.
After I get her all wiped and changed I bring her in to see her mommy for a midnight snack. Buffy’s all ready for her, she’s propped up on the pillows and undoin’ her pajama top and pullin’ it off to the side.
“Here you go, Maw, here’s your little girl.”
“Maw?” Buffy chuckles.
“Yeah, you’re one of those westerners ain’tcha? Livin’ in a log cabin. Livin’ off the milk of the land.”
B’s puzzled, “Did you drink something when you were out there?”
“Nah,” I laugh. “I saw a biography on Lincoln the other day.” I make my way behind her gettin’ her to scoot forward and I hand Mia to her, watchin’ as the little one latches on and starts eatin’. We’ve been in this position a few times for Mia’s nursin’, especially durin’ her nightly feedings. I usually go get her while Buffy gets herself situated and then worm my way in back of B, helpin’ to hold Mia in place. We were in this exact position the day she was born and I hope to be in sort of the same position until she’s grown up and sick of us. Well, not in this position with her feedin’ offa B, but I hope we’re always this close and lovin’.
“You know, Lincoln’s mother died of milk sickness.”
“B, why ya gotta bring that up at a time like this?” I groan.
“I’m just saying.”
“Yeah, well don’t.” I get kinda irritated and sit back into the pillows.
“Faith, don’t do that.”
“What?”
“Pull away, we were all just comfy and cozy.”
Oh Christ, God forbid I mess with her comfy and cozy.
I situate myself better and pull her back into me gently.
“That’s better,” She sighs out.
I look over her shoulder and the sight of her breast feedin’ our girl gives me a good feelin’. Actually it gives me a great feelin’.
It’s a feelin’ that I’ve made it in some way.
“It’s way better.” I kiss the side of her head.
I wonder what she’d think if I told her that I felt like if my mother could see me now, she’d spit nails. She’d see I wasn’t the fuck up she always said I was gonna be.
“You’re better than her you know.”
“Hmm?” Her voice breaks me out of my thoughts.
“Your mother, you’re better than her. You’ll never be like her.”
A tear springs to my eye, she gets me. She’s got my back.
I don’t say nothin’, don’t want to blub all over her again.
“When I told you I couldn’t help you earlier, I had meant to say more, but other stuff kinda got in the way.”
I let out a laugh.
“I meant to say that I can’t help you unless you talk to me.”
Now my other eye starts up with the water works.
“Hey, c’mon, you’re my strong girl.” She says, I can hear the emotion in her voice.
“These are the strong girls, right here.” I place my hands over hers that are holdin’ Mia.
“We’re a family, Faith. We do everything together. That means we talk about our problems.”
“I know, B.”
“To each other.”
Heh. She needed to add that on there, ‘cause sometimes I’ll tell everyone but her what I’m feelin’. I feel like I gotta shield her from my shit, still.
“I know.”
“Good.”
We sit in silence, listenin’ to Mia’s grunts. She sounds peaceful.
Peace on Earth…Good will towards men.
Except when Dawn comes home and finds out we did it in her bed. She really will kill us.
“Hope Mia likes livin’ with Dawnie.”
“Oh, Faith! Don’t bring that up again, I was just forgetting about that.”
“We’re gonna have to tell her, B.”
“No we don’t.”
“She’ll know.”
“You’re gonna tell her aren’t you?!”
“Why would I tell her?!”
“’Cause you’ve got a death wish.”
“Oh, Buffy!”
“Shhh, don’t shout, Mia’s falling asleep.”
“Burp her first.”
“You’re such a mom.”
“Yep.” I smile at her and fix the blanket over my shoulder so I can burp the baby.
“Such a sexy mom.” She hands over the baby and I fumble a little.
“B, not in front of the baby!”
“You’re such a prude, Faith.”
“I am not!”
“Yes you are. When did that happen?”
“I guess I grew up. And anyway, when did you become such a slut?”
She turns around and pulls her pajama top a bit off her shoulder.
“Every time I’m around you.” She wiggles her eyebrows. “Faith…”
“Huh?”
“Pick your jaw up off the floor and go put the baby down to sleep. Then come back and let me rock your world.”
“Stay right here!”
“Don’t drop her, Faith. Be careful!” She says to my back as I hurry, carefully, out of the room.
“When you’re older I’ll tell ya why you should marry someone like you’re momma.” I whisper to my little sleepin’ angel. “I mean, it don’t have to be a woman or nothin’. I’ll let you marry a guy if ya want.” I put her down gently and check her diaper, dry as a baby’s dry ass. Heh.
I fix her blankets around her and make sure nothin’s fallen into the crib that could suffocate her. After about a hundred tiny kisses to her face and head I let her sleep peacefully.
Then I run back as fast as fuck, so B can have her way with me, before she falls asleep.
She better not be asleep!
