Chapter 2- Silent Night, Lonely Night
I get in and Alicia looks up at me from the couch, she was readin' a book. My first instinct is to want to stake her. She's a fuckin' vampire after all. Plus, I'm pissed that Buffy isn't home yet. It's fuckin' 1:00. It took me longer than I thought to get home, there was some fuckin' construction because of a water main break and of course there's a lot of traffic at this time of the year in general, ya know because of that bastard in the red suit.
Fuckin' Santa.
"How did it go?" Alicia's soft voice startles me out of my thoughts.
I toss my keys on the side table. Buffy hates when I do that, `cause I'm ruinin' the finish on it. But fuck it. I bought that table. I had it in my apartment before me and her moved in together.
"Went ok, three girls got minor injuries," I shrug.
"Minor injuries for Slayers, but I'm assuming what would considered be severe for regular people? Or just cuts and bruises?"
"One concussion, one broken arm and a nose that'll need to be reset. Is that it or did you need me to run down a list of medications they're allergic to and family medical history? Doc." I added that on the end there very sarcastically.
Alicia gets up from the couch and puts her shoes back on, she walks to the closet.
"Well, I see how this is going, and I'm not taking the bait. If you want to talk like an adult, I'm here, but this petty shit is not my cup of tea."
I hang my head in shame as I toss my jacket on the couch. She was just tryin' to be nice and see how things went for us, and I'm bein' a mega bitch because Buffy's God knows where.
"I'm sorry, Al." Heh, I've taken to calling her that, it's so not her it's funny, and that's why I do it. Kinda why I started callin' Buffy, B. Most people just think I did it `cause I like to shorten names, which I did and I do, but I also did it because she was the head of the Scoobs and I wanted to show them that I wasn't gonna fall in line worshipin' her like they did.
And of course that didn't work out like I planned. `Cause I did end up worshipin' her, and gettin' pissed off about it and lettin' it own me. And then we all know what happened because of the jealousy and the feelin' that I'd never be anything to her other than a back-up.
I push those thoughts out of my head.
"How did things go here?" I look around the room, doesn't look like a disaster or nothin' so it must have been good.
"Things went well, Buffy took Mia over to Dawn's at about 9 o'clock, she's staying over."
WHAT?!
"What?!"
"I take it she didn't call you like she said she was going to."
I rush over and take my cell outta my jacket pocket and look at the display. 5 missed calls it says. It also says, `Don't listen to the last one, you'll only get mad.'
"Uh, she kinda did."
"Oh."
Yeah, `Oh'. Alicia's right, I'm in fuckin' trouble.
Again.
How I fall ass backwards into this shit is beyond me, but well, life wouldn't be the same I guess.
I listen to the last message first, might as well get the nasty shit over with.
"Faith, I'm assuming that you're not dead and just have the phone on silent so you don't give your position away. Dawn's been called back to Washington sooner than she thought, so I'm helping her pack and I'll see her off tomorrow. I've got Mia with me, we'll see you tomorrow." She hesitates for a beat and that fuckin' makes my stomach feel queasy. "I'll pick up breakfast, bye. If you are dead then I guess I'm having extras." She lets out a little laugh and says she's kiddin' and then she says bye again.
Not bad, right?
Wrong.
"Everything ok?"
"Yeah, things are just peachy." I sigh and set the phone on vibrate slippin' it back into my pocket.
"You want to talk about it?"
"Do I have to pay Pam if I start spillin' to you?"
"Faith, don't make me kick your ass."
I laugh at that, she can be fuckin' scary if she wants. I like to kid her about the fact that she's seein' my ex-shrink. I say ex because it was too close to home with Pam and Alicia seein' each other and Pam also bein' my shrink. So she recommended this other person, who's really good at what she does and everything's been great. She's the Aunt of two of our Slayers so things are copacetic with all that. We're thinkin' of roundin' up the families of Slayers who provide services and offerin' them offices to work from that cater to Slayers. They'd also have regular clients, just to keep it lookin' legit and so they can still make some money. This way they'll be able to keep a Slayer's needs in mind while servicin' them.
And that sounded dirtier than it needed to. All I meant was, if one of our Slayers needed real estate advice they could go to one of these people that knew about Slayers and would be able to steer them towards a property that better suited one of us. Ya know, a place with sturdy wood and marble that wouldn't get completely obliterated from some of the shit that comes home with us. Vamps like to make house calls. They should be doctors. Which reminds me that I was talkin' to Alicia. I call her `Doc' sometimes `cause she delivered Mia.
"You and what army?" I smirk at her.
"I don't need an army, and you're not going to get out of telling me what's going on."
"Buffy's staying at Dawn's."
"Yeah, she told me that, but why?" Alicia narrows her eyes at me. "Did you do something wrong?"
"I breathed I guess."
Fuckin' pitiful. I suck.
Alicia knows it and shakes her head at me.
"Faith, what's going on, for real?"
I sigh and toss my jacket back onto the couch and then sit down.
"I don't know exactly, all I know is things are gettin' weird and I don't know why."
Alicia sits in the arm chair and I get comfy, layin' down on the couch.
"It all started with my mother, Doc." I laugh out and then think about that for a few moments.
Fuck, I think, it did start with my mother. Everything.
"Six months of happiness and confidence in yourself and then you revert back to the beginning."
"So you're sayin' I'm a fuckin' baby, is what you're sayin'."
"No, I'm not saying that at all. I'm saying you shouldn't forget the way you were after Mia was born."
"How was I?"
Alicia lets out a sigh.
See that? I am a fuckin' baby. But the question is why. Why do I always do this shit? Ya know this is how it started back in Sunnydale. I know that now. I came out all confident and sure of myself, knew if I kept it up I'd be one of Buffy's best friends and maybe more if I played my cards right, but there was Angel and her other best friends and her Mom and Giles and a whole bunch of other shit that was takin' her attention away from me.
Ya know what, fuck it. I'm gonna stop. I'm gonna leave it here.
I get up and start takin' shit out of the box to decorate the tree with. We've got most of the other stuff up, but the ornaments we haven't gotten to yet. I start threadin' the metal hooks through the loops and Alicia lets out another sigh behind me.
"I guess that means you've figured it all out, huh?"
"Yeah, I figured out that I shouldn't get myself worked up over nothin'."
"Very true, if you think the issue isn't important…"
"And I've worked out that I'm never gonna change. I'm always gonna doubt myself and shit's always gonna end up in the toilet."
"Why?"
"Who knows why, Al? Maybe I'm not meant to have a family." That thought makes my breath catch in my throat.
"She just went to her sister's, Faith. She's not leaving for good is she? Oh God, what happened?!"
I stop gettin' ready to cry and kinda laugh at Alicia's panic attack. My guardian angel is worried she was caught snoozin' on the job.
"Nothin' happened, Al," She looks relieved and I continue. "It's just…"
"It's just what?"
"I don't fuckin' know. And that pisses me off. I can't stand when I'm like this, but I just can't help it and the fuckin' fact that it keeps happenin' just makes me even madder and then I'm caught up in a fuckin' loop."
"A catch-22."
"I guess," Whatever she says.
"You have the feelings and can't stop them, and then you get mad at yourself because you're even having them and it stops you from dealing with what the problem is in the first pace because for some unexplained reason you don't think it can be fixed."
"In a roundabout way, sure."
"No `roundabout way', I'm right."
"Yeah, ok, you're right, you're always fuckin' right. What's new?!"
"So if the fact that I'm always right is nothing new, then why do you resist what I tell you is the right thing to do at every possible turn?"
I turn around and face away from her, frustrated. I realize I'm still holdin' a fuckin' ornament in my hand and I'm about to crush the fucker when I look down at it and man, does it ever make me fuckin' sob like a baby.
`Our First Christmas Together- Scotland 2004' it says in fancy script, I turn it around and read, `To F, love B. Always."
And I did. I do. Love her always.
So why does it feel like I haven't seen her in a month and I'm not really a part of her world anymore?
It's because I'm Faith and that's what I do, it's how I operate. My M.O.
But why can't I be more like Buffy?
My phone rings and Alicia gets startled by the vibratin' sound it's makin'.
I laugh at the look on her face and wipe my tears. Stupid fuckin' shit I'm cryin' over.
It's Dawn's number.
"Hey, what's up, Squirt?"
"What did you do to Buffy?" Dawn sounds all business like and pissed off.
"Whatta ya mean what'd I do?"
"I just put my sister to bed, she was crying like I haven't seen her do since you almost died. What's going on?"
"What?" Why would she be doin' that, we've only just been busy and kinda not communicatin' the best right now.
"She wouldn't tell me, but I don't even wanna fucking think of what you might have done."
Oh shit, Dawn's usin' the `F' word, I'm in for it.
Before I get a chance to say anything she continues.
"And if you think me using a curse word means you're in for it, you're not as stupid as I thought."
"Dawn, I don't know what you're goin' on about. We've just been busy lately, we haven't had much time to talk or do stuff together."
"Oh really?"
"Yeah, really. What the fuck is with your attitude?" It's been pissin' me off since I got on the phone with her, I thought she was kiddin' around so I didn't say anything, but now she's gonna show some respect.
"So, when Rona called and said she'd take over for you so you could spend time with Buffy tonight, why did you tell her no?"
Fuck, busted.
"What the fuck are you talking about?"
"Faith, don't treat me like I'm stupid."
"I'll treat you like you're treating me and I'm askin' you again, what the fuck are you talkin' about?"
I'm makin' it worse for myself, I know, but again, I can't help it.
"You really want to do this to yourself, Faith?"
"What? No, ya know what? Fuck it. I'm not listenin' to this bullshit…"
"Faith, don't you fucking hang up on me! Now you listen up! I'm leaving TOMORROW, I won't be around to be here for Buffy, so you need to get your head out of your ass and deal with this. Whatever it is! Got it?"
"You think just because Obama picked you for his secret transition team you can fuckin' tell me what to do? I'm Faith! No one tells me what to do!" I yell into the phone. Alicia stands up and tries to take it off me, but I pull it out of her reach, push the end button determinedly, almost like she told me not to but I'm defyin' her right in her fuckin' face, and I throw it against the stone wall near the windows.
Yeah, it smashed into a fuckin' thousand pieces.
Alicia's phone rings and she's torn between comin' over to me and answerin' her phone. She pulls it out and looks at it and her decision is made.
"Hello?" She asks like she or I don't know who it is. "Yes, no, it's ok. I'll be here. I will. Ok. Bye. You too. Yes, I will. Good Bye."
I look at Alicia like she's conspirin' against me.
"What'd Dawn want? She tell you to watch out for me?"
"Well…"
"You told her you'd be here, so that means she asked if you were goin' anywhere, so are ya? Are ya goin' anywhere?"
Alicia looks a bit startled, like she's seein' a ghost.
"I wasn't really planning on it."
"Well, I want to be alone, so thanks but no thanks. I don't need a baby sitter."
"Whatever you say, Faith."
"Yeah, exactly. See ya, thanks for watchin' Mia."
Alicia looks like she's gonna say somethin' then stops herself and puts on her jacket.
"What?"
"Nothing, you don't like people to tell you anything, so as you say: `Whatever'. Good night, Faith."
"Whatever," I can't help but mutter. I'm so dumb sometimes. And because I'm really stupid lately I say the worst thing I coulda said to her and I'm instantly sorry after it's outta my mouth. Doesn't help me that I know this after the fact, and it's not like it makes me say I'm sorry.
I'm pissed off, my vamp alarm is goin' nuts, so I say as she's gettin' ready to leave outta the door:
"You leave my grandmother like this, just say `Whatever' and go?" I've got a real smug fuckin' tone to my voice when I say it, too.
She stops in her tracks and I see her ball her fist up, like she's thinkin' of poppin' me one.
"You are not your grandmother, don't ever compare yourself to her."
That was a more powerful blow and way more hurtful to me then if she had hauled off and kicked me in the face.
I close the door after she leaves without sayin' another word.
*****
After mopin' and beratin' myself for an hour I get up and finish decoratin' the tree, at least when Buffy comes home she'll see that I wasn't just mopin' around. I also needed to do somethin' or I was gonna fuckin' go nuts and probably just shove the fucker into the fire place.
I really need to relax, I know that. That's the way I've grown. Instead of actually goin' nuts and doin' what I just described, I think about the consequences, like Buffy leavin' me and I stop myself.
Who knows? Maybe she might still leave me, she's not here right now and she was bawlin' about somethin' earlier.
Somethin'.
Yeah, I fucked up, but the scary thing is I mighta done it on purpose.
Rona did call and say she would take my spot, but I felt like I couldn't do that to her. It was my operation and I gave my word to Giles that I would take care of it. I shoulda told Buffy that I had an offer from Rona and why I couldn't accept it. She woulda understood. Then I coulda said we'd go out, just the two of us on Saturday. Shoulda, woulda, coulda. Never do is my problem.
"Whaaaaaaaa!!" I cry out to the room. "No one loves me!!!"
I laugh at myself and see the ornament on the tree that I put on earlier, the one Buffy gave me, and it makes me cry.
Fuck it.
*****
"Faith?"
Shit, I didn't hear the phone ring and the answerin' machine picked up.
"Are you home?"
It's Buffy.
"I-I didn't want to come home…"
I pick up the phone in anger.
"What?! You didn't wanna come home, but you forgot somethin' and you have to come back to get it, and what? You wanna tell me to have it ready for you?! Is that it? Don't bother, Buffy, I'll drop it off at Dawn's. What do you need?" I say all irritated.
"What're you…?"
"What the fuck did I do, Buffy?!?!" I yell into the phone.
*click*
I look at the receiver and I'm almost about to throw it when Mia's face comes into view in my mind. I haven't seen her in what seems like a year and I don't want the next time I see her to be her graduation from high school, so I stop myself.
I can just see it now, me stumblin' drunk, walkin' up to Mia, Buffy and Nico, congratulatin' her on graduatin', bein' the first of my kids to graduate. Makin' a joke about me never graduatin' and never havin' any other kids. Then Buffy and Nico's other kids would come up from behind them and look all weirded out by me fallin' all drunk over myself. And then Buffy takes my arm and escorts me over to security, who escort me off the fuckin' campus like the loser I am.
Drunk and fucked up me yells out, `Ya love ya Mutha doncha, Mia?! I'll take ya to tha cahpahk and let ya drive my bike. You'll get a chaaaaahge out of it!' My Boston accent would be thicker `cause I'd be back livin' in the projects and shit.
A whole body shiver takes holda me and I do a pansy dance like Andrew does. That thought fuckin' freaked me out to no end.
Before I hit the re-call button on the phone, I take a huge breath and let it out slowly.
I call back and get Dawn's voicemail. Of course.
"Hey, Buffy, I'm sorry about that, I don't know what it was. Please, call me back. Please. I'm sorry and I miss you guys."
Shit, I didn't say I loved them before I hung up.
Wait, I remember somethin' now. It's what bugged me so much about her voicemail from last night. She hesitated before she said goodbye, she was gonna say she loved me but she thought better of it and didn't.
I just set the receiver back on the base and go sit on the bed.
When it rings again I scramble to it and press talk right away, "Buffy! I'm sorry!"
"Yeah you're fucking sorry, dipshit! What did you do?! I told you to fix your mess and what did you do?!"
"Dawn," I close my eyes and stop myself from bein' mad.
"Don't fucking `Dawn' me, I'm this close to telling Buffy to leave your ass. Why are you such a putz?!"
"Look, I don't even know what I did wrong."
"Did you cheat?!"
"NO!!" I say without hesitation. I wouldn't do that shit. Not anymore.
"Well you two are scaring me, Faith. She's really upset and you're acting like you did back before the ascension. What do you expect me to think?!"
"I would expect you to give me more credit."
"Look, I'll be in D.C. until after the New Year. I can't be fighting with you about this now, I need you to make nice with Buffy."
"WHAT?!"
"What, making nice with Buffy is so horrible?!"
"No, not that. You'll be where until after the New Year?!"
"I'm sorry, they need me and I couldn't say no."
"Dawn, its Mia's first Christmas!"
"Don't you think I know that, Faith?!"
Fuck, these Summers girls are killin' me.
"Why can't you be with us just for Christmas?!"
"I can't tell you."
"Fuck!"
She's workin' with Obama's transition team on the intelligence even the CIA ain't privy to. It's the demon shit. They became a hell of a lot more interested in our world after the attack on our headquarters and Parker's involvement in government and all that.
"Look, I'll be back in NY on January 2nd."
"Yeah, great. Have a Happy fuckin' Holidays."
"Don't get all self righteous and smug with me! You're turning out to be a bigger pain in my ass than I need right now!"
"So why did you call?!"
"To tell you to stop being such a bitch to Buffy and figure this thing out!"
"Bye Dawn."
"Faith, I'm not getting off this phone until you promise me you'll work it out with her."
"I…"
"FAITH!" She screeches and think my fuckin' ear might be bleedin'.
"I promise!" I yell back.
"Good." Oh sure, now she knows how to use a normal volume.
"Squirt, if I go deaf you're fuckin' footin' the bill for some state of the art hearin' aids."
"I'll just get you one of those horn looking things." She says all smart-assed.
"To complete the devil thing I got goin' on right now?"
"You're not the devil, Faith. But don't make me banish your ass to hell." She sighs. After a couple of moments she says, "You know if I didn't love you I wouldn't have called."
"I know…"
"I would've just riled Buffy up and had her dump your ass."
"I know, D. I know."
"Oh and what's this about you not calling her B anymore?"
"Francie mention that to you?" I'm gonna kill my cousin.
"No, Buffy said something about it last night. Apparently she's worried about it, she likened it to Angel calling her `Buff'."
"What?!" Oh fuck. I'm soulless in her eyes now.
"It just scares her I guess."
"I've called her Buffy before, a lot. B's just a nickname."
"I know, but she's a bit freaked by it, it must mean a lot to her."
I thought she hated it but tolerated it because I couldn't stop callin' her that. It's my thing.
"So, you'll be back in a couple of weeks."
"Yeah, right after the New Year."
"I told you, all leave requests need to go through me."
"Did you give Willow a hard time when she requested a month off?"
"Yes."
She laughs.
"Ok, next time I'll have the President-elect call you when I need to be away for longer than a day or so."
"Good, I hope you remember that. I won't be so easy on you next time. `Sides, how do I know you're not just goin' to some vacation spot with a beach and a mountain?"
"Because I wouldn't be that cruel to you guys and just pick up and leave for weeks and not take you with me."
"Oh." That's better then. "Ok, I guess I give you my blessing. You may go."
"Good! Now, seriously, please, ok?! I love you. I love my sister. I love my niece. What I don't love is seeing you guys not together. Please talk to her and work things out."
"I will."
"Ok. Now I've got to catch my flight."
"Be safe, Sweet D. I'll miss you. Can we send emails and stuff?"
"Yes, but I won't be able to answer them. I left your presents under my tree. Can you guys feed my cat and make sure the tree has water? I'll take it down when I get back."
"You got it."
"How about sending your presents to ya?"
"No can do. You're not supposed to know where I've gone. The official line I'm giving my office is I'm going to Hawaii, so if you did anything it would end up there."
"Why'd you call me on a cell if this is supposed to be so hush hush?"
"I'm on a secure line. Don't worry."
I hear someone say somethin' to Dawn about needin' to leave.
"You better get a move on, D. You're holdin' up the plane."
"Don't worry, they'll wait for me." Damn she sounds so grown up. She's not just a 12 year old brat to me anymore. "I'm so powerful!" She squeals into the phone and I get a picture of that 12 year old brat.
I laugh. "Don't let it go to your head."
"Speaking of heads, yours is coming out of your ass tonight, right?"
"Yes."
"Good, get it done. Love you."
"Love you, too."
"Bye."
"Bye, Squirt."
She laughs then the line goes dead.
Why does that shit feel final?
Fuck, I gotta stop bein' so black cloud.
I better call Buffy and see if she'll pick up this time.
The phone rings and Alicia picks up.
"Hey, Al. I'm sorry for last night."
"I know you are."
"Can I talk to Buffy?"
"She's not here, she asked me to come watch Mia for a little bit."
"She take her cell with her?"
"I would expect so, she's a pretty resourceful girl."
Ok, I deserved that.
"She's not stupid like some people I know."
And that too.
"If you ever say anything like that to me again, I'm going to punch you dead in your face."
Yep, that as well.
She continues, "Rip out your voice box and step on it."
I gotta start rememberin' she's Sicilian.
"How come you can maintain your cool so well, I fuckin' get apeshit over nothin'."
"About eighty years of practice. But don't think I don't mess up now and again still."
"How's Pam?"
"She's good, she's here. We're going out for lunch when Buffy gets back."
"Cool, can you have her call me?"
"I thought you were gonna call her cell?"
"I'll try, but somehow I don't think she's gonna pick up. She probably needs to cool off."
"True, she is a smart girl. Not like…"
"Al!" I say cuttin' her off. "I got it the first time."
"I'm just trying to teach you."
"I know, and I appreciate it."
"You better, I'm not doing this for my health you know."
"I know, you're doing it for my grandmother."
"And you, I'm doing it for you. You need someone to give you a kick in the pants now and again."
"Buffy does that pretty good."
"But I bet Buffy has better things to do with your pants." She says with a bit of naughtiness in her voice.
"Al, I'm shocked! You shouldn't be sayin' shit like that to me!"
"You better call her, Faith."
"Why would I call her `Faith' her name's Buffy, wouldn't that just piss her off? Are you tryin' to get me in trouble?"
Alicia just laughs and says her goodbyes.
I call Buffy on her cell and just like I predicted she doesn't answer. Why should anything be easy?
After a few minutes of starin' at the phone I go to check my cell and remember that I've smashed it into little bits.
Fuck, I have to get a new one. Gotta go shower and get to a cell phone store.
I mean, what if Buffy tries to call me on that?
Where's Red when you need her?! I mean I don't need her to teleport me or anything, I'm definitely gonna do that so I can get to the store in a fuckin' flash. But I need her to keep me in line. With Dawn gone and me bein' so hostile to Alicia, someone needs to make me fuckin' see that I'm bein' stupid.
Why I can't just do that for myself is beyond me right now.
I think maybe one day I'll grow up.
Kinda.
Possibly.
Thinkin' about it.
