Cupid Can Kiss My Ass
Author's Notes: This is the 12th Faith/Buffy Fan fiction I've written, but the first finished and published, so be gentle. Also, it's unbeta'd so beware. A special thanks goes out to Bobbi. Your gentle encouragement was just what I needed when all I deserved was a boot to the ass. Thanks, B! The lyrics are Nelly Furtado's. Enjoy. (I hope! *bites nails*) ;)
Chapter One: 2/14/08
From my hands I could give you
Mmmm yeah, baby, ‘course I wanna go.
Shit, I was having a really good dream there. Now I'll forget it. Fuck.
B, must've left the alarm on again, she's lucky I like that song, ‘cause if it was some lame shit like Bon Jo...
"10:55 on a gloriously cold February day, if you haven't gotten your sweetheart anything yet, don't worry...PANIC! No, don't worry folks there's still time. Hahaha. Happy Valentine's Day everyone, here's a little love song to get your almost afternoon started right and coming up after that we're giving away tickets to..." *click*
FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCKING MOTHERFUCK! Where the FUCK is my fuckin' phone?
02/14/08. The smug way the display says that makes me want to smash the fucker to bits.
Are you fuckin' shittin' me? I forgot Valentine's Day? What the fuck kind of loser asshole am I? Don't fuckin' answer that if you know what's good for you.
Shit, I better call Red. I dial the number and am really impatient as I wait for her to pick up. Doesn't she know I'm in a shitload of trouble here?! Pick up!!
"Willow! What? No! Ken just put her on. When? Why? Fuck that, you tell him I don't give a rat's ass, I'm not goin'. Yeah? Shit, I'll see you in thirty."
FUCK!! Fuckin' figures, roped into some bullshit vamp nest clean up job and I don't have anything planned for later.
How, I repeat, how in the fuck did I forget Valentine's Day? Buffy only dropped a ton of fuckin' hints about it all last week. What the hell did she say she wanted again?
Oh God, I suck at this stuff. Buffy's gonna leave my sorry ass in a real fuckin' hurry.
What time is it? 10:57. Goddamn, no time to dwell on it now, Giles will get all pissed if I'm late. Seems he doesn't like when vamp's nests don't get cleaned in a timely fashion.
I hope cupid's bow shoots him square on the ass, that'll teach him.
Hey! There's an idea, maybe I can have B's crossbow dipped in 18 carat gold and coated with diamonds and then shoot Giles in the ass with it.
That would be sweet. B would kill me, once the diamonds stopped blindin' her. She likes bling. Well, she's more of a simple jewelry kind of girl, but still she would shit if I got her a diamond.
Not that I'm about to propose or anything, it's just...well fuck it, she's probably expectin' that. I mean we've been together almost 2 years.
When I think about it, that's longer than I've ever done anything in my life, except jail, and even then I didn't stick with it. Things have been goin' really good lately, well except for today's big colossal fuck up. But that's me, Faith the Fuckup.
Ok, I better get my ass in that shower before Giles rats me out to B. I don't want her gettin' pissed at me before she gets pissed at me for forgettin' this stupid fuckin' stupid ass day.
Wasn't there some big massacre on Valentine's day? I think I remember readin' about it in one of those books my uncle used to leave around the house. I wouldn't mind massacrin' the fuckwad who invented this day.
Don't get me wrong, I love romance and shit, it's just why do I have to be forced to do something on a particular day when I practically do the romance thing every day? I mean, well, ok so maybe screwin' is not exactly romance, but it is when you love someone as much as I love Buffy.
And ok, I don't pick flowers for her every mornin' or even tell her I love her all the time, but she knows I do.
Ugh, I suck. I'm so screwed!
I can't say that I'm not lost and at fault
Hey, that's the song that woke me up this morning. It's got a really good beat. B loves it, she practically played it every freakin' minute when it was first out.
I've never really listened to the lyrics before now. That's what usually happens when I'm alone in my car, I actually pay attention to the song. Otherwise I'm usually doin' somethin' else (namely Buffy) and could care less about anything except the beat.
I always thought this was a love song, what does she mean by, "You don't mean nothing at all to me"?
Whatever. Shit, I think of some dumb things when I'm on my own. Soon I'll be at Stick Up the Ass Headquarters A.K.A Giles' place and I need to focus on how I'm gonna take out these bastards that are terrorizin' the area around the Seaport.
Oh, and don't tell anyone that I'm defendin' New York City, if the family and friends I have left in Boston ever found out, it could mean trouble.
Mostly because Boston and NY are bitter sports rivals, we love to hate this city. I don't even want to go into the travesty that was the Patriots losin' the Super Bowl to the Giants a couple of weeks ago. Let's just fuckin' forget that happened, ok?
Red and Ken had on Giants gear and were giving me shit the whole game. B had my back though, because she thinks Tom Brady is super cute. Which he is, there's no denyin' that.
It's funny the way she picks what team to root for. She'd never admit it, but even before we were a couple she always looked at whatever team I liked and would go with that one.
She even bought a Redsox cap a few years ago and when Xander questioned it she said it was because it had a B on it. But when he wasn't looking she looked at me with a shy smile and I knew she wanted to support something I felt passionately about. It was then that I knew she was into me.
I wonder if I wasn't in the picture now, and she met Tom Brady if she'd go for him. Probably, I mean who wouldn't? I'd even give him a couple of goes. Well I would, back when I was into that.
But Buffy, she's into tall guys, way into tall guys. I mean none of the guys she was with before were short. Oh, except for that muchkin fucknut Scott Hope.
Man, B would totally go for Tom! Then they'd have all these cute blonde kids runnin' around and bein' overachievers.
Why am I grippin' the steerin' wheel so tight and why am I picturin' my hands around Tom Brady's neck? I mean besides the fact that he lost the Super Bowl.
Wow, I'm really getting pissed off at the thought of Tom Brady doin' my girl and havin' the family I'm supposed to have with her! I have to get a grip or else I'm gonna run off the road.
Calm, think calming things. Like Buffy nuttin' out on me for forgettin' Valentine's day. Ahhhhhh. Better.
And what was that about her and I havin' a family?
Man, shoot me.
Ok, so where was I? Oh right, NYC. It's really grown on me I'll have to say, way better than any other city has grown on me. I don't even mind the mind numbin' cold, I kinda like the pain. B still hasn't gotten used to it, bein' from California and all, but it was her idea to come here so she'll never admit it. Stubborn little--- God I love that little runt.
Score! A parkin' space, and I didn't have to drive around for an hour to find it. I'm glad me and B live in a place that has a parkin' lot. The first place we were in didn't and I used to have to drive around and around to find a space. B decided we should move the night after I almost killed someone for stealin' a space I had been waitin' almost 2 hours for.
I ain't lyin' by the way. Ain't no joke about tryin' to park in the city, especially if it snows. You might as well get a snow mobile and park on a snowbank.
I'm thinkin' right about now you're wonderin' why we don't just take the train everywhere. Well, we did at first. But fightin' vamps and demons really puts a cramp in your personal style, and people kept reporting' us to the cops because of the way we looked after fights. Plus, you try gettin' a long bow on a train. Ain't happenin'.
So, rather than explain why I have a dislocated shoulder and bruises all over us and gettin' our gear confiscated and us gettin' arrested, we decided the Council has enough funds to spring for a car for each of us. We do car pool a lot so we're in compliance with the environment and all that shit. I mean God forbid we shave a day or two off the planet's life after savin' it's ungrateful ass more times than I care to remember.
Every time I don't carpool or recycle and Buffy gets on my shit I just remind her without us the planet would have been toast years ago. She just glares at me and I know to apologize and move on because it's a battle I'm not gonna win.
Ok, I'm ready to go in. Time to get this party started! Then I can figure out what I'm going to do about later.
"So, where is this nest exactly?"
Giles lets out a sigh and pinches the bridge of his nose. He's been so frustrated with me he hasn't had his glasses on since I got here. What's fuckin' new?
"Faith, would you kindly please listen this time?"
"'Course, I'm all ears. I just wanna be 100% on where it is." I lie, I was busy tryin to figure out what I was gonna buy Buffy for this stupid day.
"Paying attention would help." Kennedy has the balls to comment.
"Hey, boarding school. Mind your own f- uh business." Don't want Giles reportin' me to Buffy for swearin'.
How lame is that? She swears like a sailor when we're gettin' busy but she doesn't like me swearin' in front of her precious watcher. She's nuts.
"It is my business when I'm having to pick up all the slack ‘cause you can't stop thinking about Buffy long enough to find out where we're going."
I crack my knuckles and she smirks.
She leans more forward in her chair, invadin' my space a little too much. I don't know why but suddenly I feel like smashin' my fist in her face.
Oh wait, I know why, because she's pushin' me and she's been beggin' for a beat down since I got here. That's why.
"Touched a nerve, huh?" She winks at me with a smug smile plastered on her face.
Keep it goin' bitch and I'll be touchin' several nerves when I rip your spinal column out through your throat.
I lean forward in my own chair until she can feel my presence all nice and ominous before her.
"Ya know, K," I start off sweetly, like I'm sharin' something she'll love hearin'. "I'm only nice to you because my girl's your girl's best friend. And truth be told, I like Will. I'd hate for her to be upset because your face was smashed... while we were fightin' the vamps, of course."
I scan Giles' face to see if he's gettin' madder or if he's happy I'm dealin' with the brat's attitude. He's got a little smile on his face so, ‘Yay me'.
"Oh, really?" She chuckles.
"Yeah," I smile a smug smile of my own and practically purr, "you should watch your back."
"If you two are quite finished postulating, here's the address. I'm sure you can decipher where it is using that infernal GPS unit you are so fond of." Giles just saved Kennedy's face.
On our way to the car Kennedy feels the need to bond again. She's got some fuckin' death wish.
"Look, Faith. What's your problem with me, really?"
"Bullshit," She stops walkin' and waits for me to turn around. "You've been wanting to kick my ass ever since Will and I got back to the States."
"Kennedy," I walk towards her and turn on the menace. "Whatever you worked up in your head what my problem with you is, don't flatter yourself. When we're not together I hardly even know you exist. Like I said, you're Will's girl and that makes you matter, passed that you're not worth my time." I cock my head to the side and stare at her face to see if she gets the picture.
She looks pissed off, then comes to a decision and blows past me. "Let's get this over with."
"Gladly" I open the door to the car and slide into the seat.
"You got the address?"
She scoffs, and looks at me with contempt all over her face, she really doesn't know when to quit.
"Heard Giles the first time." I smirk and peel outta the space like I'm on a mission. Which is exactly what this is, but not the one everyone would think.
It's a mission to make this Valentine's the best ever for Buffy, everything else is insignificant.
For some reason Kennedy's attitude makes me appreciate Buffy a thousand times more. I think I might get something for Willow too, she deserves something nice if her girl's this much of a bitch.
"Here we are." I stop the car on a dime and look over at Kennedy. "You ok over there?"
"You look like you're three shades of green."
"Your driving sucks." She says lookin' like she's trying to swallow sand.
"Hey, got us here didn't I?"
She shakes her head. "Buffy give you lessons?" And now her smartass smirk is back on.
"Maybe Willow should give you lessons on how not to piss off a slayer."
"You think you're the only slayer in this car or something?"
"You think you're gonna keep my fist outta your face or somethin'?"
That just pisses me off even more. She'd jeopardize our job here to try and win some bullshit pissin' contest that she started over nothin'.
"Let's just get this done, I don't want you to go home with your face all bruised on Valentine's day. Will might get all witchy on me."
"Like you could take me."
"Ok, junior, whatever you say. Look, I'm gettin' outta this car and gettin' medieval on those vamps in there, and I'm gettin' out and goin' home. You can stay here and look for somethin' else to fight about, but you're doin' it without me. Get it through your spoiled brat head that I'm not fightin' with ya. Got it?"
I don't wait for her answer as I get out and slam the door. I've had enough of that shit. She and I are done. Giles better start sendin' her with someone else or she's gonna end up in traction.
I parked three blocks from the warehouse with the nest, now I'm sneakin' in through the roof. I look down and see about four vamps sleepin' on cots, one vamp is up and on the phone.
Seems he's tryin' to get someone to deliver food, probably so they can eat the delivery person. Sure enough I hear him hang up and order from another food place.
Fuckfaces! I'm so gonna love stakin' their undead asses. I wait until Ken's beside me before I give her the signal, the plan is for me to jump down and take as many of them as I can, she's gonna wait until it gets dicey and then jump into it.
Here goes somethin'.
I jump down on the guy who was busy ordering delivery people for lunch and quickly dust him. Score, it was mid sentence, I love shit like that.
Hearin' the commotion, three of the vamps wake up and I put stakes through two of ‘em. Quick and easy as fuckin' pie. The other one wakes up and gets in a couple of good shots before his ass is blowin' in the wind, too.
Fuck, that was way too easy. I was hopin' for more of a fight. I look up and Ken's legs are still danglin' through the skylight, her mouth is open like she just witnessed something great.
That's ‘cause she did. Now she knows she was a dumbass for tryin' to pick a fight with me. I've gotten a lot better since she was here last. What can I say? I was all power and no control back then, but after training with the Queen of Control for the past two years, I'm like a controlled tornado. I leave death and destruction of the undead and demony bastards in my wake.
I think that was all of them. I don't feel anything vampy, but we have to look to be sure. I look up and give Ken another signal to join me in the search.
We slowly and methodically make our way through the building, leavin' nothin' unturned. By the time we're done with the top two floors the front door rings, I send Ken another signal to tell her she should hide. She looks at me questioningly, and I glare back. She gets the message.
I stealthily make my way to the door, sensin' no weirdness I open it.
"'Hey, how's it goin'? That'll be $22.50."
Fuckin' sweet!! I'm so hungry I could kiss this dude, but I just flash him a grin and give him $30. He really should be payin' me because I saved his life, but he'll never know, and somehow I've gotten to like that feelin'. No need for these people to know how close they came, just doin' our jobs.
"Thanks for the tip!"
I nod and close the door. Kennedy laughs when she sees what I've got in my hands.
"You ordered pizza?"
"Nah, the vamps were plannin' a pizza-delivery-guy party. Good thing though, I'm fuckin' starvin', didn't get a chance to eat." I manage to say before I start stuffin' two pieces in my mouth at once. Bastards didn't bother orderin' toppings, oh well, it's food.
Kennedy must've eatin' because she only takes two slices and doesn't look like she's too interested in them. Whatever. Her eatin' habits are not my problem.
After I had my fill of pizza, and a couple of beers (vamps don't need to eat or drink but they love to get drunk) we finish the search.
Whoo, that was some fuckin' mission. Makes me feel like gettin' some, but B's nowhere to be found, she hasn't called me and I'm not callin' her in case she's on to me about forgettin' about today.
I just dropped Kennedy at Giles', she's gonna fill him in on the who, what, where; and now I'm goin' home to grab a shower and go shoppin'. I still have no clue what I'm gonna get.
Chocolates? Sure why not, B loves sugar and chocolate's a fav. Roses? Maybe. What am I thinkin'? Of course, I gotta go with the whole dozen roses thing, at least. What else? Shit.
I guess I'll figure it out.
In the day
This is the third time I heard part of that song, and a truer lyric couldn't have been sung for my situation.
Huge hole in my plan is the fact that I don't know what else to get B and I don't think Roses and chocolates are really gonna be enough. I'm freakin' out here because she's gonna have this whole big thing planned and I'm gonna look like the jackass I am because I got dick to show for how I feel about her.
I mean for all I know she hasn't been in touch because she's rented out some room and she's busy gettin' it all decorated for a big love fest she had planned. My heart starts poundin' at that thought and I have to take a moment to calm myself.
I should call Dawn to see what to get Buffy. Damn, I can't, not only is she probably not home, but I can't let her know that I didn't know enough about her sister to be able to buy her a V'Day present.
Not that Dawnie hates me or nothin', but she'd store that info for when I made her mad and then rat me out to B to see me squirm. She's a typical pain in the ass little sis.
Maybe I should just call her to see if she knows where B is and what she's up to. Maybe just say hi, see how she's doin'.
Yeah, that's what I'll go with.
"Hey, Dawn, Happy Valentine's Day. I was hopin' I'd get a chance to talk to you but you're probably out with your honey. Just wanted to wish you a good one. And by "one" you do know what I mean, right? hehehe. Love ya, Squirt. Talk to ya soon. Bye."
Knew she wouldn't be answering her phone.
Ok, so for the past hour I've been walking around the city, and I've ended up here.
37 Wall Street.
37 Wall Street, for those of you who may not be familiar with NYC, happens to be the other Tiffany and Co. store in Manhattan.
Ok, so I lied, I didn't just happen upon this store; I set up this "consultation" because I have no clue what I'm doing when it comes to buyin' jewelry. Fencin' the stuff yeah, I'm your girl, but not buyin' it.
I want this to be all legitimate, don't want Buffy gettin' questioned by the cops about where she got that shiny new ring. 'Sides, I don't do shit like takin' what ain't mine anymore.
The guy behind the counter, Max, tells me all about the 4 C's, I look at the rings and they're just blinding me. He mistakenly thinks I'm looking at these so I can tell my fiancé which one I want. He tells me to try one on. Why not? Maybe B will want to get me one of these one day. I choose the one in the Tiffany setting.
Damn. Doesn't that look good. I get this funny feeling in my heart and suddenly tears spring to my eyes.
"Yes, they have that effect on many ladies." Max says.
"I guess," I say while holding my hand out to him so he can remove the ring. "I'm not sure what that was about, though."
Again, another lie. I know damn well what that was about. It was about me loving B so much that I'm considering buying one of these things and askin' her to be with me forever.
And it was also about me. About the fact that I'm not the fucked up girl I once was who would be thinking of a way to steal that ring and quickly get cash for it.
I finally settle on a pink sapphire and diamond shared setting band. It's not the engagement ring, but she'll love it anyway, and some other time I can get the matching one in blue sapphire. I swallow as I give Max my credit card. He asks if I need it wrapped and I nod, I guess he figured out it wasn't for me, especially since the ring I picked was a size smaller then my ring size.
A little while later he hands me my package and gives me a wink. "She's a very lucky girl."
"Nah, it's me who's the lucky one. Thanks for all your help, Max."
"It was a pleasure, Faith. And if you're ever in the market for that engagement ring you let me know. Here's my card."
"I really appreciate it. You guys do layaway?" I say with a smirk and a wink so he'll know I'm kiddin'.
"You too, thanks."
I have my little blue box all wrapped up in my little blue bag and I feel like I'm walkin' on air. You'd think I actually liked this holiday.
What's next? I already got the flowers on my way back from Giles', so I stop into my favorite candy store, it's got everything. I get B some of the chocolates she loves, Dark, of course. She loves the dark. And now I'm on my way back home. I wonder what I should do for dinner.
After the day I've had I don't really want to cook and I'm not sure when B'll be home. I don't even remember where she was goin' today. I look around our apartment in the usual spots she leaves notes and I don't see anything. I guess I should look through the delivery menus; I decide on the Chinese place we love. She can get sushi if she wants, I feel like havin' something spicy. Yes, my eyebrows just wiggled at that sentence.
Ha! Even though I've become more mature, I'll never get rid of the suggestiveness. It's just too funny to me. Anyway, more mature to me means not beatin' people for no good reason.
While I wait for B to get home I make some hearts out of red and pink construction paper like we used to do in school. I didn't even know I remembered how to do that. She'll think it's cute because I'll wrap them around the light over the dining room table, and hang them around the walls. I decide to set the table all romantic and shit. That's me Queen of Romance.
I put the roses in a vase and place them in the middle of the table. The chocolates I leave by the bedside table. That'll be desert. Another eyebrow wiggle.
Yeah, I'm hopin' to get some tonight. Not because of the ring, but because I haven't seen B all day and I really want to be with her. But if she gets home and is tired and all, then I'll just give her a bath, feed her and burp her. Heh. Whatever she wants.
She'll probably want a massage, and they usually put her to sleep so I might be goin' solo tonight. It's cool. I'll just have to wake her up in the middle of the night with some creativity.
I hear the door to the apartment open and Buffy calls out. "Hey, baby! I'm home! Faith?" And then nothin' I bet she's lookin' at the table and the stuff around the apartment. I kinda over decorated. I make my way through the kitchen and catch the look on her face. She looks panicked. Oh fuck, that's not good.
She's leavin' me.
A thousand scenes go through my head, includin' one where Tom Brady moves his shit in here as I move mine out. Way awkward and no matter how cute he is, he'd get a beat down.
Ok, I better stop the crazy shit. B reaches out to me and takes my hand in hers. I catch another look on her face, it's guilt. And then it hits me.
She fuckin' forgot Valentine's Day, too!
I start laughin' and pull her into a hug. She's laughin' too, mostly because I am, but hers sounds a little nervous.
"Faith," Her voice sounds a little strained. "Breathing becoming an issue, sweety."
"Oh, sorry, B." I let go. "I'm just so happy to see you, I haven't talked to you all day."
"Don't you remember I said I'd be gone all day today? Giles had me and Will check out that dimension for the Vase thingy."
I'm sure she means some bullshit thing that Giles needs to do one of his spells, but she really pays as much attention as I do at those stupid meetings.
"Now, I do," I lie. "Kinda forgot, babe. Sorry." She's looking around again at the table and the hearts and flowers.
"Baby," She's getting nervous again.
"Ya forgot didn't ya?"
"Well, I wouldn't say that..."
"Yeah, well what would ya say?"
She sighs and walks over to the flowers.
"Ok, I forgot. Sorta. I mean, I had plans and was all ready to put them into place, but I forgot it was today. We were really busy all day, and Will was in a grumpy mood so we didn't get to talk much. I think she and Kennedy are having problems."
Ah, explains why Kennedy wanted me to beat her down today. She and Will must've had a fight and she was itchin' to take out her frustrations on me.
Time to let Buffy off the hook, I don't want her all uncomfortable, that's not what this day was supposed to be about.
"C'mere B," I reach out to her and she looks hesitant. Like I'm gonna make her squirm more. "Buffy." I give her my serious look.
She steps up to me and puts her arms around my waist, lookin' into my eyes and takin' my breath away.
"I'm sorry, Faith." She's back to lookin' guilty. "I made such a big deal out of this day and then..."
I place my finger on her lips so she can't say anymore. Then I lean in and replace my finger with my lips. It's a soft and sweet kiss that I deepen when I hear her moan.
I pull her closer and she wraps a leg around mine. Damn, she gets me goin' so fast it's unreal.
I have to break away or I'm gonna forget what I had to say to her. She's breathin' heavy and apparently I'm not the only one who was cravin' our contact today. She's got that look in her eyes that says dinner might have to wait until later. Much later.
"B," I manage to rasp out as I lay my forehead on hers. "Don't be sorry, baby. You're not the only one who forgot about today. I was woken up by the alarm and the dude on the radio said it was Valentine's Day. I've been runnin' around like a chicken with my head cut off all day ‘cause I didn't have anything planned."
She laughs. "So, we're two dorks."
"But still, you did remember and you did all this." She pulls away to look at the dining room.
"Yeah, but only because you left the alarm on. I probably wouldn't have thought anything of it and we would've spent tomorrow wonderin' how we both forgot that today was Valentine's day."
"You would have made out like I'm the one who forgot and you didn't say anything because you wanted to see if I'd remember."
"Hey! Am I doin' that now?"
"Ow!" I pinched her. "Brute." She slaps me on the arm.
"Oh yeah, who's the brute? I give you a little pinch and you man handle me."
She laughs again and then looks at my lips like they're chocolate and she wants to bite them. I suck my lower lip into my mouth a little to make it wet and plump, then I blow her a kiss giving her a challenging wink. She leans in and licks my bottom lip; I don't make a move at all. She pulls back and her eyebrow raises in a challenge of her own. Little minx.
"Little baby." She smirks, rubbin' the place on my arm where she slapped me.
"You want me to man handle you?" I grab her hips and thrust my pelvis into hers.
"Oh, yeah baby, you know I love when you act all gorilla-ish."
I give her my best monkey grunt and start to tickle her. She's laughin' so hard she can't get a good grip on my wrists to stop me and I back her up into the wall. I stop just long enough to reach behind her thighs and pull her legs up around my waist.
I'm the only thing that's stoppin' her from fallin' to the floor so she wraps her arms around my neck and holds on for dear life. That gives me an opportunity to lift up her sweater to just under her breasts and hold my fingers dangerously close to her sides.
“Don't what?" I wiggle my fingers. I can feel the shudder go through her, I don't even need to touch her skin to make her tremble. I love that I can do that to her. I concentrate on my fingertips and even I'm getting goosebumps from the thought of the tickles. B's always ticklish from the lightest touches, she laughs and stuff when I'm full on tickling her, but the stuff that really gets to her are the light touches to her sides and armpits. I'm the same way.
Wait, forget I just said that. You use that knowledge against me and my "not murdering innocent people" days are over. Got it? Good.
Where was I? Oh yeah, about to mind tickle, B. As long as it's not a mind fuck, ‘cause I only like the real thing for that one.
Buffy whispers out, "Please," and that's it, I cave. I place my hands firmly on her sides and pull her into a heart stoppin' kiss. Backin' us up I use my senses to feel for the chair and I sit us down. Buffy shifts on my lap so her legs go over the arm of the chair. She's suckin' on my tongue like it's a piece of candy and I'm about 2 seconds from shovin' everything from the table onto the floor and havin' my way with her. That's when I feel the hard item shift in my pocket from the weight of Buffy's ass on it and she lets out a little squeal.
"Oh, baby, is that a present in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" She jokes.
I wiggle my eyebrows and shift her on my lap so she's sittin' on my other leg. She looks into my eyes and realizes she was right.
"Faith, oh God, don't tell me you got me something else on top of all this?" She gestures to the table.
"Ok, I won't but you hate when I lie to ya, so don't fuckin' get mad at me for doin' what ya want." I reach into my pocket and pull out the blue package. It's a little wrinkled from our messin' around. The bow's still in tact though. That's amazing. "Here, I didn't get you anything."
She instantly recognizes the blue color of the paper and her eyes bug out of her head.
"Oh, no, Faith. You didn't."
"Depends on what you think I didn't do."
Her eyes narrow and look at the package like they were lookin' at my lips earlier. She looks like her throat has gone dry.
I take her hand from around my neck and place the box on her upturned palm.
"Go ahead, beautiful. Open it."
She snaps out of her mini trance and brings her other hand to the bow. She looks at me again before opening it.
"Am I gonna need tissues for this?"
"You need tissues for a freakin' laundry detergent commercial, B."
"Hey, those are heart wrenching sometimes!"
"Yeah, whatever you say. Go ahead an open it already or I'm takin' it back!"
"You're so mean. I'm gonna make Giles give you permanent patrol duties with Kennedy."
"Let's not be too, crazy there baby, I was only jokin'. ‘Sides, I think Red would like to have a girlfriend with a face and Kennedy is cruisin' to lose hers."
"That bad today, huh?"
"You knew I had to patrol with her?"
"Yeah, I suggested Giles call you to get the job done, he sent Kennedy with you probably to get her out of his hair. Sorry."
"Whatever, I dealt. I just couldn't figure out why she was dyin' to have my fist slam into her face, until now."
"I don't know, Willow was all clammed up."
"Well, that's not our problem right now, our problem is this package that's not gettin' opened. Are ya scared, little girl?"
"Yeah, right." She chuckles and then gets a serious look on her face. I'm not holdin' my breath, I just forgot how to do it. "I love you, ya know?"
"Yeah, I know. And I love you. So open it already."
She undoes the bow and sets it on the table. Next is the paper that she carefully opens and sets aside. She smiles as she sees the little blue satin pouch.
"They really know how to wrap a present."
"Fuckin' A, huh?"
"Exactly." She chuckles.
Now it's just her, me and the ring box. I'm almost as anxious to find out what's in it as she is. ‘Cause I'm stupid like that.
She finally opens the box and I can see a fleeting look of disappointment, followed by a look of beauty. She loves the ring and I can tell the color and style were just right for her. I'm so fuckin' happy I want to lift her up and prance around the room. But I'm not a freak, so I don't.
"Oh, Faith. It's beautiful. I love it!" Told ya.
"Not as beautiful as you though, B. But I thought it was your color."
"Are these diamonds and sapphires?"
"Ummm, well, diamoniques and watermelon Jolly Ranchers." I smile her favorite dimpled smile.
"It's beautiful anyway, even if it wasn't real, I'd still love it because it came from you."
That makes my heart feel like it's gonna explode and now I wish I'd gotten the other ring too. Not that this ring had different implications, but she doesn't know that. She would have instantly known my intentions with the other ring and actually I'm kinda glad I went this route. I can always get that other one for another occasion. Like ‘Saturday Eve' or somethin'.
She holds the box and her right hand out expectantly to me so I can put it on one of her fingers. I take the ring out of the box and then place the box on the table next to the wrapping.
"Now I know what you were thinkin' before you opened this, B. You were thinkin' ‘God damn! I'm gonna give her the best head of her life right after we get this present thing over with.'"
I wiggle the trusty brows. "Didn't ya?"
She scoffs, "You're nuts."
"Ms. States-the-obvious much?" I put on my best Cordy imitation.
"Oh, God! Cordy's channeling your body?" She gets a look of happy surprise on her face. "How fucking hot is that?! I always wanted to do her."
Touché mon chéri. Touché. Yeah, I know French so fuck off.
Sorry for gettin' pissed there but the green eyed monster just reared it's ugly head for a second. Again.
"B, ya want..." Calm, let me be calm. "Ok, you're right," I sigh. "I shouldn't have joked around while I was tryin' to ask you to marry me."
Cue the pin drop and hear it clang to the floor as it hits.
She's blinkin' and her mouth is hung open like her brain just fried. And I guess it did.
I push her right hand out of the way like it cut in front of me in line, well a bit gentler than that actually ‘cause I hate people who cut, and I take her left hand in mine.
"You know I don't do the traditional thing, at the traditional time." I place a kiss on her ring finger and issue another challenge by way of the eyebrow. She returns the look.
I gotta step this up or we'll be issuing challenges with facial expressions all night.
"So, what's it gonna be, blondie?"
"Yes," She whispers and spreads her pinkie and middle fingers a bit more outta the way so I can put on the ring. Yeah, that's it baby, spread ‘em.
I'm glad my brain censors some of the shit that pops into it.
I manage to slip the ring on her finger without sayin' anything that's gonna get me a night on the couch, and she gets a big grin on her face; her eyes are all admiring.
“Faith, it's just so pretty."
"I know," I say, not takin' my eyes off her face.
"Thank you, baby." She leans in and whispers, "I love you." before she captures my lips in a slow, sweet kiss.
When we break for air I lean back and say, "Love you, too." I look up and notice she's got tears in her eyes.
"Oh, baby, don't cry." As usual that gets the tears rollin' even harder. "C'mon, B. Why the waterworks? We were doin' good here. All happy and junk, right?" She nods.
"I- Oh, Faith." She starts blubbin' harder.
"B, if you don't stop, you're gonna make me cry and we both know that's not a pretty sight." She sniffles but that didn't help any. "Donna kay missa chicabay."
She snorts at that. "Fay wan' pop." I think that did it, she's full on laughin' now. She loves when I speak Nell-ish. What can I say, I pick up languages easy. It's a gift.
She looks at me all shy and now I wanna cry. She can make my heart break with a single look, or a gentle touch. I'm so whipped. With her hand in mine I squeeze it a little harder tolet her know I've got her back and I subconsciously rub the ring.
Fuck, she said yes. The magnitude of what just happened hits me like a ton of bricks and that feelin' I had in Tiffany's comes back.
"Faith, what's wrong with your eyes?" She's such a smartass.
"Takes one to know one."
"No, really baby, why're you crying?"
"'Cause I'm a fuckup."
"What?! No, Faith. I'm the fuckup!"
"Yeah, and pigs fuckin' fly." I let go of her hand and take her face in my hands. "I mean it, B. You're the best thing that EVER happened to me. And you just said ‘Yes'. I can't believe you said ‘Yes'!" I kiss her and she slips her tongue into my mouth. We both moan into it as she starts suckin' on my tongue.
"You want to go and cry some more in the bedroom?" She says as she breaks away from the kiss.
"Yes," I rasp out. She goes to get up and I get all chivalrous, gathering her into my arms more securely and stand up. "You're about to be drowned in a flood, baby."
She chuckles and wiggles her eyebrows. "Don't I know it."
Did I say she was a smartass?