Chapter 5- Creep Redux
When you were here before
Buffy ascended the steps to Faith's motel room slowly. She heard music coming from it. She smiled not only because she liked the song, but because she had heard Faith playing it before. The day after the Gwendolyn Post incident. When she left Faith's room on that particular day, she paused at the top of the stairs and debated about whether or not she should go back inside and demand that Faith talk to her about what happened, but she eventually decided to leave. She didn't quite know what to say to reach her.
Now, she felt sure there was significance in Faith playing that song and it gave her hope in getting through.
You float like a feather
She was a bit startled to hear the singer curse, and then immediately felt ashamed of her naïveté.
When she heard the next part of the song, the weight of Faith's world came onto Buffy's shoulders.
But I'm a creep
Dunno why I always torture myself with this song. Have no idea what the fuck I'm still doing in this hellhole. She's probably walking the beach with Angel, sortin' out their misunderstandin' earlier.
Fuckin' Angel. Mother fuckin' cock blockin'…
I hear knockin' at my door like someone's about to fuckin' die if they don't get in.
Probably the Lame One himself now with news that they, in fact, didn't find anything with the research. Just like we knew they wouldn't when we went there.
Fuck `em. I turn my music up louder. But something's there, I can't quite make it out. So I close my eyes and then I feel it. The hum that makes my knees go weak and has me wanting to just fall at her feet and weep.
I don't care if it hurts
I get up off my bed and walk to the door like a zombie. I can't believe I'm openin' it. It's like I'm not in control of my actions.
I raise my eyebrow at her. She's still in that fuckin' dress that she wore to our date at the Bronze. Oh yeah, I know she lied when she said she was gonna meet Red and Dogboy there. Soon as I spotted her in this slinky number, I knew.
But then fuckface showed up and I figured I had it wrong. She was just wastin' time with me until her honey arrived.
And now she's here. Lookin' sorry for what happened at the library. Ain't her fault, but that doesn't mean I'm gonna be mature about it and not hold it against her. She's gonna hurt me, so why shouldn't I hurt her a little?
She's lookin' like she's expectin' something.
"What's up?" I ask, finally.
"Can I come in?"
Whatever makes you happy
Her eyes meet mine and she smiles that shy smile that makes we wanna forget every bad thing I'd just been thinkin' about her before she got here.
"Sure, if ya wanna."
I turn around and look at the Spartaness of my room. Nothin' incriminatin' in here. `Cept maybe what I was just listenin' to. I go over and shut off my boom box.
"I'm sorry about…" She starts, but I don't let her finish.
"Why? Not your fault." I shrug. "They find anything earth shattering?"
"The look I gave them for cutting into our Bronze time, maybe."
That makes me laugh a little, thinkin' about this little girl in this almost prom dress makin' Fang and G-man shake in their shoes.
Things go quiet and I'm about to ask why she showed up when she says somethin' that's curious to me.
"You didn't have to turn the music off, I liked the song that was playing." She says, pointin' at the machine.
Faith's looking at me like she's surprised that I would like that song. But little does she know she'd be more surprised at why I like that song, besides it just being a good song.
"Yeah," I say, not backing down from her challenging look.
I wonder if I told her that it makes me think of her when the guy sings about wanting the other person to notice when they're not around. Or the part about wanting a perfect body. Like hers. But not to have.
Yes, I just thought that.
"Didn't think you'd be into alternative, B. Thought you'd be one of those…"
"I'm not," I say, quickly.
She looks at me and it seems like she just made a decision.
"No, you're not. You're special." She smiles because she just referenced the song.
"So fucking special?" I ask, not without a tad bit of difficulty over the swearing part. Not that I don't curse, I just haven't done it in front of her before. And she's like the Queen of Cursing, so of course I'd be nervous, but it got me the reaction I wanted. She looks impressed.
"Guess that makes me the Creep." She says after a few moments. God, I never really looked at her face this much before. I've never noticed that everything she's thinking can be seen on it when she lets her guard down even slightly.
"No, Faith. You're special too."
She laughs `cause she doesn't believe me and sits on her bed. I don't back away, I sit myself right next to her. Wanting to feel some of her warmth, and those tingles that I feel when we're close.
I can't believe she'd ever get nervous in this kind of situation, but here she is squirming a little beside me. I can feel it. It's like through some kinda connection. I wonder if I need to report that back to Giles…
Oh no! Heck no! I can just see it now! `Hey, Giles. I've been getting these warm, tingly feelings around Faith. Oh and when I'm not all horny for her, I can feel her emotions through this freaky connection thing. Do you think it's something?'
After he woke up from the coma that the heart attack caused he'd clear his throat and clean his glasses every time Faith or I came within seeing distance of him.
No, that's one Slayer related revelation that I won't be "bestowing upon" him anytime soon.
I still can't believe she's so nervous around me right now. I reach over to her and I'm about to put my hand on her arm when she gets up off the bed and leans up against her dresser, looking at me sitting here.
"Nothin' special `bout me, Blondie. `Cept maybe the…" She stops and I instantly know there was about to be a big reveal here. I wish there was something I could say to make her start again.
"What?" Okay, so I'm not exactly eloquent. I just wish she'd tell me.
She goes to say something but stops herself. I can see a million thoughts pass over her face, I hope she knows I only need one to come out of her mouth.
"It's…" She looks at me fully and I get more nervous, I don't want her to say something to reject me. After looking into my eyes for what seems like a year she shakes her head and looks down at her hands. I go for broke and throw caution to the wind. What does that even mean anyway?
Oh, I think I know. It's what I'm doing now. Duh.
I scoot myself closer to her and reach out for the hands she doesn't seem to know what to do with.
She lets me take her hands in mine. God, I'm so nervous now, my hands are trembling slightly. She has to feel how affected I am by this.
I must have some sort of calming effect on her though, because she lets out a long sigh and says what I've wanted to hear all night.
Maybe even longer.
"I was gonna say, there's nothing special about me, `cept maybe the way you make me feel. You make me feel like I'm somethin'." She looks into my eyes again and squeezes my hands. "Like I belong."
I smile at her, suddenly my nervousness is replaced by an overwhelming need to kiss her for what she just said. But I'm not that confident yet. I just take one of her hands in both of my own and keep rubbing her surprisingly soft and smooth skin, looking at it like it's the most interesting thing in the world.
I feel her put her non-captive hand on my hair and she smoothes it down the left side of my head, pausing at my face to rub my cheek with the back of two of her fingers. I'm still busy trying to polish her hand smooth…er.
She continues moving her fingers down my jaw line and puts them underneath my chin, tilting my face up slightly to look at her.
"It's just a hand, B. Nothin' major."
God. How did I not see how sexy her cocky smirk and that thing she does with her eyebrow were before? Well, I guess I've always seen it; it just never made me feel this way.
Well, maybe it did and I was just in denial.
Okay, so I've kinda had the hots for her since she slayed that Vamp in the back of the Bronze, but I'll never tell anyone.
She laughs an equally sexy laugh and I'm finding my heart racing out of control. I'm getting sucked into her eyes. I've never noticed how warm looking they can be either.
Oh God, how I want to just kiss her. Just to feel her lips on mine.
With actions that might not be my own, I bring her knuckles to my lips and place a kiss on them. Her other hand finds its way to my head again, almost as if to hold me gently in place. Her skin is so warm and soft. And she smells so good. I feel her tremble a bit against me. I press my lips into her hand harder to hopefully calm her, even though it's making my own heart speed up to heights I'm sure aren't normal for humans, even super humans.
"B," Faith whispers.
I reluctantly stop kissing her hand but I don't look up at her. I just keep looking at her hand.
She doesn't say anything for a while, and I feel like I could cry. She thinks this is weird.
"I-I'm not sure what's goin' on here." She sounds really nervous now. "I mean, I'm not sure what you want."
I finally lift my eyes to hers again. What am I going to say to that?
I can't say, `I want you.' Can I?
"I w—" The phone ringing stops me from saying what I was going to say.
The look in her eyes goes from expectant to murderous. I kinda feel the same way.
She pulls her hand from mine and I immediately feel like something's missing.
"Yeah?" She says gruffly into the phone. After listening for a little bit she snorts and answers, "Yeah well not like I went to charm school and yes, she's here. You wanna talk to her? Well then say so `stead of wasting my time with pleasantries."
I'm really caught up in my own little world for a moment so I'm startled when she puts the receiver in my face.
"Giles," She says not very happy and waits for me to take the phone. A spark goes through me as my hand brushes hers when I take the receiver from her.
"What's up?" I sound kind of like her, all business, no time for niceness.
"Buffy it's me."
Angel?! Again?! I look at Faith and I'm not sure if she can see it on my face or not but she gets a look that says, `I should have known.' on hers.
"What's going on?"
"I think it'd be best if we met tomorrow, at my place."
"Why can't you tell me now?" I've really had it with this crap!
"I don't think you're ready to hear…"
"And you had to call me here to tell me this because?"
"You had to track me down for what reason?"
"Buffy, what's going on with you?"
"Nothing's going on with me!" I really want to slam this phone down so hard that it shatters, but for some reason, that I can't seem to explain, I still have it to my ear.
"Okay, well I didn't call you to upset you; I'm just trying to tell you…"
The phone is taken from me and Faith doesn't even put it up to her ear, she just talks into the mouth piece, "I pay for this phone by the minute, and unless you want to pay for this bill you'll talk to her tomorrow."
The phone's receiver is slammed back onto its base with slightly less force then I would have given it, because it doesn't shatter. And suddenly I'm pulled off the bed and into Faith's arms. She pulls me impossibly close, and my dress is sure to get wrinkled but I don't care. I can feel how much she needs me. It's coming off of her in waves. And there's another expression I'd never thought I'd be using.
"Is this what you want?" She says in a low and husky voice.
I can feel the beat of her heart through my own chest. That's how close we are.
She's waiting for my answer and I nod my head slightly.
I feel like the next moment goes by in slow motion, she dips her head close to mine and I feel her lips brush lightly against my own. A shock goes through my system and the next thing I know we're kissing furiously. My hands go into her hair to keep her right where she is because I don't want the feelings to stop. I gladly open my mouth when I feel her tongue lick my lips and I briefly think that I shouldn't be doing this, but I don't listen to those thoughts for long.
Her lips are so soft and tender. It feels like my tongue is swirling around whipped marshmallow-y goodness.
Every time I think we might break for air, I get pulled into kissing her deeper, and not by her, by my own actions. It seems like I don't want to stop and after a little while longer it's Faith who pulls back from the kiss.
We're both breathing heavy and I'm about to lean in again for more soft, deliciousness when she stops me.
"What?" I whisper.
"I'm not sure what this is…"
"It's us, just…being…"
"Sluts?" She says and it gives me an anxious feeling, like I'm about to see Angelus again.
I go to pull away but she stops me.
"I was just kidding, Buffy. I'm sorry." She says, and I'm kinda stunned she used my full name. She's still breathing hard, and I can't wait to cut off her air supply with another kiss, but I also want to hear her say my full name again. I'm weird. I'm aware.
I stop trying to leave her arms so quickly. Again, I get that overwhelming feeling of warmth from being so close to her.
We're standing with our arms around each other, our breathing is calming down and now the doubts come flooding into my brain.
They should have stayed out of my head, because now they're multiplying.
`It'll be just like Angelus.'
`She only wants to get into your pants. A girl like her doesn't do relationships.'
`She'll make fun of you for being gay afterwards.'
`She wasn't trying to kiss you, she was only trying to see something on your nose and you jumped her.'
That one seems the most logical and now I'm really starting to panic.
"Damn that's somethin'." She says, making me stop my insane inner babble.
"What is?" I manage to whisper.
"Can feel your heart beatin' against mine."
She cracks the barest of smiles, and I melt right in her arms.
"You feel that too?"
"Yeah…" She gets another wicked look to her eyes and her smile changes. "Among other things."
"Can I kiss you again?"
She doesn't answer, she just leans in and captures my lips. And again, I'm lost in her. Not knowing what's going on except trying to dive into her mouth.
It's so warm and so soft and so everything I've never really experienced before. It's more than just being new and experimental.
I want to be with her now. I'm sure of that.
And I want to be with her. Yeah, like that.
"Wait, woah, Buffy!" Faith's taken away my warmth and my softness. I'm puzzled by it until I realize she's trying to get my hands out of her shirt.
I did that?! I didn't even know!
"Not that I don't like a feel or a grope, but your hands are a little cold."
I pout, because I didn't think they were cold at all, and because I want more kissage.
"Don't look at me like that, Princess. You're not ready for all that anyway."
I give her my best glare now. I don't like people telling me what I'm ready for.
"What makes you think I'm not?"
"Shut up and kiss me again."
"And then what, Buffy?"
Is she serious?
"I kiss you again and then what?"
I pull back slightly and just stare at her. It's kinda flooring me that she's the one thinking about the consequences.
"I guess we talk about it. Maybe kiss some more."
She nods her head and looks away. Like I just lied to her or something.
"And Fang's okay with all that?"
"Angel?" Okay, why's she bringing him up?
"Yeah, your boyfriend?"
Oh, right. That's why.
I close my eyes and I'm cold again when she steps fully away from me. I open them again to find she's still looking at me. She doesn't look mad or anything so that's a plus. I just have to hold onto that.
She likes me, I know she does.
I feel a bit awkward just standing here so I move to sit back down on her bed and now I find my hands interesting.
"I don't have all the answers, Faith."
A small mumble from her doesn't stop me from saying what I want to say.
"I-I know that it feels right. When we're together like this. And I feel like we're a team, like I really belong to something too."
"…like I really belong to something too."
Fuck, my heart soars at that. I was right. She really is like me. Just prissier and with a better home life. But when it comes down to it we're the freakin' same.
I wanna say so many things to her. I also have this overwhelming need to hold her and tell her that I need her. And that's what's stopping me from moving closer to her. `Cause even though I've decided that I want to try something with her, I still don't wanna get hurt and that makes me cautious about spillin' my guts.
`Sides, I can't just change all my ways overnight.
After what seems like a year of me tryin' to say something to make her feel good about what she just said I walk in front of her and kneel down.
Oh. My. God. She's kneeling down.
Okay, this is officially too fast!
"Buffy, I…" She stops herself before she can propose. What the heck did I just say?!
"What's…" I'm stopped from asking what she's doing by the force of her hug around my waist. She's pressing the side of her face into my stomach.
I hear her start to cry and it hits me.
She wasn't proposing. She just realized she's not alone.
I pull her closer to me and caress the back of her head.
"It's okay, Faith. You're not alone anymore." I dip my head down and kiss the top of hers. "And you're so fucking special too."
I snort into her stomach. She couldn't say "fucking" with confidence if her life depended on it.
But she's lettin' me know I matter. Lettin' me know I matter to her.
I hug her waist tighter and let the tears just come out like they've been dyin' to since I met her. `Cause just seein' her outside of the Bronze that night made me feel like I had finally come home after bein' out in cold, alone for like ever.
And it sucks that that's not even a whadda ya call it?
A metaphor. That's actually my life.
My life BB. Before Buffy.
She kisses my head again, and it makes me smile. I'm so glad she's not weirded out by all this.
After a while my tears stop, but her words of encouragement and hopefulness don't. She keeps whisperin' those in between kisses to my head.
Shit, her dress is so gonna be ruined. I pull back and look at it.
"Oh shit! Sorry, B."
"For what?" She looks a bit puzzled.
"I snotted all over your dress."
She looks down and kinda laughs.
Whew, thank Christ she's got a sense of humor.
"Umm, I guess I could say a snot demon got me?"
She smiles at me and it's like a bright star lit up in the sky and made everything all pretty. I guess that would be called the Sun.
Fuck, I get so stupid when I'm lookin' at her. Not that I was a genius or nothin'. But my brain just checks out when she smiles at me like that.
"Yeah," I finally manage to answer. "They'll believe that."
I get up off of the floor and stop crowdin' her lap.
"You should take off the dress."
She gets a confused look and I realize how that sounded.
"No! Not like that, B. I meant…I'll give you something to wear home. Leave that here, I'll get it dry-cleaned."
"Oh," She says, and now I'm the confused one. She looked kinda disappointed, but she recovers pretty well. "That's nice, Faith, but you don't have to do that."
"Buffy, please. Let me do that for you." I say lookin' in her eyes, lettin' her know I'm sincere.
"It is kinda wet…"
"Exactly, so go in there," I point to the bathroom, "And I'll get you some clothes to change into."
She looks like she doesn't really wanna get off the bed so I hold my hand out to her and she takes it.
"You're wonderful you know that?"
There goes that heart soarin' shit again. It's like a fuckin' balloon ride or somethin'.
"Oh yeah, real wonderful. I bet I look like a real fuckin' prize."
She leans in close to me, "You look like a girl I'd like to get to know more about."
Oh fuck. Full on heart attack now.
Then she places a sweet kiss on my damp cheek and turns to go into the bathroom. I grab her around the waist and hug her tight stoppin' her from moving. I lean down and place a soft kiss on her neck.
"Thanks, B. I need…ed that." I whisper after I'm done kissin' her beautiful neck. Oh shit, I'm like a poet now.
"If you need me just tell me."
I close my eyes and gather the strength I never could before. I think of the girl in high school, Candace, who liked me and knew I liked her, but I threw it back in her face like she was trash. I say sorry to her in my head.
I turn Buffy around in my arms to face me.
`Just do it.'
`Don't fuckin' blow this like you've blown everything else in your life up until this moment.'
`You've got the power to turn your shit around. What the fuck are you waitin' for?'
"Whatever this is…I've never done before."
"I know it's…"
"Let me finish, B." She stops talkin' and looks at me like I've got somethin' important to say. "I'm not good at speeches; you know what I'm like `cause I've told you enough times. I need you Buffy. I don't know exactly what that's gonna mean for us, but I need you. And I want you to know that it scares me more than facin' any demon I've ever come up against."
She looks at me like she's askin' for permission to speak. I nod at her.
"For someone who isn't good at speeches I'd say that was a pretty good start."
Figured her for a smart-ass.
"But I know what you mean, Faith. And we can go as slow as you like."
She leans in and plants one right on me and just like that my heart explodes and I don't even care anymore.
When she's done kissin' me like there's no tomorrow she pulls back and smiles at me, "But we're going somewhere, right?"
I lean my forehead on hers.
She smiles at me and gives me another earth shatterin' kiss. God damn her mouth and lips are so soft.
I'm so fuckin' special.