Chapter 1- Creep
I keep playin' that part of the song over and over again, I can't get enough of it. It's exactly how I feel about her and I can't let her know.
Can't let her know I'm fucked and she's the cause.
Truth is I've been fucked since the minute I laid eyes on Little Miss Perfect with her not-so-perfect nose.
That night at the Bronze was the first night she saw me, but I saw her way before that. My watcher had a picture of her, and when I saw her face and the way the sun seemed to live to highlight her hair perfectly and make her look like an angel, I knew I was done for.
And she does, she looks like an angel.
Mr. Big and Broody's back and now I've become even more insignificant. Even more of a footnote in her story.
Fuckin' vamp. I could've killed him last night, I should've killed him last night, but she stopped me. She's always thinkin' of others, and what the right thing to do is. Well maybe she's got all of her shit outta whack. Her fuckin' priorities upside-down.
I may be dumb, but I know why I'm a slayer, and I know why I'm in Sunnydale.
You float like a feather
She is special, I can feel it, every time I'm around her my body screams at me that she's what I need, she's my other half. Too bad she doesn't think so, she thinks I'm a fuckin' loser, slut, asshole, and that's just the stuff I've been tellin' her.
What the fuck do I care anyway? I'm not a dyke, so I don't fuckin' care about her any other way. I just thought we'd be great slayin' partners. Ya know?
Yeah, that's it, just good for slayin' together.
But I 'm a creep
That's fuckin' right. I don't belong here. I don't belong anywhere. I have nobody.
I thought I had her, but that was a fuckin' joke.
Ma died a few months ago, can't go back to my family in Boston, they wouldn't want me anyway.
They're too good for me. Like her.
Everything I touch turns to shit, so why would I try to touch her?
I don't fuckin' want to touch her anyway, like I said, I'm no dyke.
Candace McBride said she was gay last year, and the fucknuts in Southie gave her such shit that she had to leave school.
I was one of the fucknuts. She was nice to me, I wonder what made me turn on her?
Probably because she saw in me what I didn't wanna see. So I slept with her brother to make her fuckin' shut her face.
It worked, because he wouldn't shut his. Everyone and their fuckin' mother, includin' mine and my grandmother knew I had fucked him in a park on a bench at 3am near Harvard Square.
After that I couldn't face my grandmother, and so I haven't called or gone by to see her since. I couldn't bear to see the disappointment on her face. My grandfather would probably have a heart attack, I hope they haven't told him.
I could give two shits about my mother though. In a way I did it to get back at her. To show her I was the whore she said I'd always become. Why I think that was gettin' back at her, I have no idea, my mind gets fucked up sometimes.
Especially since I lost my watcher. I feel like I'm invincible, and I feel like I'll die any moment. Shit's gettin' all distorted and I'm hearin' voices. Some are good, `cause they told me to come out here. And some, like Ma's voice, tell me I should just fuckin' kill myself, I don't matter and I never will. Best thing that could ever happen to anyone concernin' me would be to have another slayer called because I was dead.
I play the song over again.
When you were here before
She was here before, I can still smell her perfume. She wanted to apologize for the shit with Mrs. Post. Not her fault so she shouldn't have to say shit. But that's her, she's always thinkin' of the right thing. What's good and proper.
And that's why this rage is buildin' up in me that I'm havin' a hard time controllin'. I can't be a part of her world the way I wanna, and that means I can't be what she wants me to be. And I just know it's gonna end bad. But it's like one of those freight trains that can't be stopped. I just don't know how to.
I breathe deep again and everything I like about her springs to the front of my mind.
Who the fuck am I kiddin'? Not a dyke, huh? Why'd I think about those tanned legs and cute feet wrapped around my waist as I pin her to the table in the library? That's me, a fuckin' liar. And a dyke.
I wonder what she came here to say? I didn't even give her a chance, just told her I'm on my side, when that's a fuckin' lie, too. I hate myself, why would I be on my side?
Fuckin' black cloud. I better stop. I should go see if I can find her, apologize. Maybe tell her I'll move on to that hellmouth in Cleveland.
Fuck, Cleveland. That would suck so hard. But I'd do it if she wanted me to.
Maybe she'd miss me.
I don't care if it hurts
Fuck it, I am special. I was called wasn't I?
I survived a shitty childhood with a nightmare of a mother. That makes me special.
What the fuck am I askin' you for? You're a fuckin' coffee machine on a bureau in a shitty assed motel room.
I'll go find Buffy, show her there's no hard feelin's at least not from me. Can't say her man feels the same way, `cause if he looks at me wrong I'm stakin' his ass and he knows it.
I go by her house and her ma says she's at the school. Fuck, I hate havin' to walk over there. See all the goody goodies goin' to school, thinkin' they're better than me `cause they decided to play the chump and graduate.
Fuck, I wish I had changed my pants, these cut offs make me look like trailer trash.
Oh fuck it, who am I tryin' to impress?
I see Buffy from across the quad, she's talkin' and laughin' with Red and Horndog and the smile that she gives them (that I'll never fuckin' see her give to me) makes my fuckin' heart betray me like the pansy ass it is, and it gives me the answer I was lookin' for.
And I do the only thing I know how.
I turn around and get the fuck outta there before I say somethin' stupid.
With that song playin' in my head and mockin' me.
She's running out again,
I don't belong here
When I get home from school I call out to make sure Mom's not home and then take a CD from the rack and run up to my room.
I saw Faith leaving the campus and wanted to call out to her, but the guys would've thought that was completely weird of me, and of course, I can't do anything out of the ordinary.
I'm Buffy, the good girl. I eat my peas, do my homework, brush my teeth and I'm in bed by eight.
I put the CD on and find the song I'm looking for. I heard Mom playing it one day and I know it's kinda old and cheesy, but it made me feel something and even though I quickly stamped that feeling down, I filed what record it was on in my memory banks for later.
Giles would be proud of the filing system I had going on. Well, I'm not sure if he'd be proud of the reason I wanted to use my brain like a card catalog, but I'm not gonna think about that right now. Now I wanna dance.
The song starts up and I take the headband out of my hair and place it on my bureau, I shake out my hair and sway a little to the beat.
As the singer starts singing my hips are moving faster, and I imagine I'm in a club. The song is better suited to a club in the late 70's or early 80's, but they could be doing a retro night, right?
She sits alone waiting for suggestions
I know what they're thinking, they're thinking I'm dancing like this for Angel.
If you want my body and you think I'm sexy
But I can't stop thinking about her…and how much of a dork she thinks I am. She's so calm and strong, even though she's been through a lot. I don't ever think I could live through what she did.
She killed Kakistos, and whatever passed between us after that night has made all my other nights not so sleep filled.
He's acting shy looking for an answer
Phone calls cost a dime back then?
If you want my body and you think I'm sexy
I wonder if she does think I'm sexy. Maybe just a little? What am I thinking? She likes boys, and so do I. Don't I?
I know she's mad at me because I didn't let her kill Angel last night. But how could I? I knew he wasn't evil and I need his help.
But I need her help too. So I wanted to go and make things right between us today. But I think I only succeeded in pushing her further away.
I get goose bumps when I think of Faith saying that to me.
Not that she ever would. I just let my mind wander and think of what could be between us…if we didn't have to be us.
I close my eyes and run my hands through my hair and imagine I'm back in that club, and it's the era of Disco Fever. Someone offers me something on a little spoon and I shake my head. I see what I want and I don't want anything clouding my senses.
What I want is standing at the edge of the dance floor, watching me. I turn around and give a little show. I take off my sweater and toss it God knows where. I know everyone's eyes are on me, but there's only one set of eyes that I care about.
They are the soft brown eyes that try to hide so much, but tell me everything she's thinking when they're fixed on me.
I feel her come up behind me and take my hand. She spins me around and goes to kiss me, but right before she does she spins me around again.
We dance a little more, I can feel her pelvis grinding into my ass. She wraps her arms around my body in a fluid motion and whispers into my ear.
"Come back to mine?"
I nod ever so slightly and she wraps her fingers around hand and leads me out of the club.
I faintly hear the next lyrics as we leave.
They wake at dawn 'cause all the birds are singing
We're in her bed and her lips are painted in that confident smirk that I hate seeing as much as I hate not seeing it.
She reaches under the covers and just as she leans in for a kiss, I feel her touching my…
I pull my hand away from myself a fraction of a second before Mom opens my door.
"Buffy, I've been calling you since I came in the door."
Oh God, my Mom just almost caught me touching myself while I was thinking of Faith! Not that she would have known that, but still.
"Is that my Rod Stewart album?"
"CD," I correct her.
She goes and shuts off my stereo and takes the CD back. I almost want to pout.
"We called them albums in my day and I…"
I tune her out as much as I need to so I can calm myself. My heart was beating so fast, I'm not sure if she heard it and that's what made her open my door in a near panic.
"…Faith said she wanted you."
"What?" I tune back in and almost have a heart attack all over again.
"Are you okay, Buffy? You haven't been yourself lately."
"I've got a lot on my mind." Good thing I didn't have to lie about that. Despite what you might think, I really don't like lying to her.
"Oh, honey." She goes all `Mom' on me and comes over to give me a hug.
After a quick embrace she says something about needing to put the pot roast on and then she stops at my door and looks back at me.
"I said Faith was looking for you earlier. Why don't you call and invite her over for dinner?"
I can only shrug and grunt something that apparently satisfies her enough so that she leaves my room.
I sit down on my bed and smooth out my dress. I clear my throat and look at my manicure. I fix the chain around my neck a bit better and then put my hands in my lap.
The beat of the song is playing out in my head. Her sexy smirk is on my mind as I close my eyes.
If you want my body and you think I'm sexy
"You're so sexy, B…"
My eyes fly open and I can see it was just wishful thinking, not our Slayer connection.
I get up and decide to go downstairs and help Mom with the cooking.
If you really need me just reach out and… just reach out and… sugar just reach out and let me know…