A/N: This has been hanging around my head for a while...not sure how I feel about it. Hmm. Haven't edited (too sleepy to start stressing the details!) so if it's fail I apologize :D Also, song and title belong to Missy Higgins.
I've hardly been outside my room in days
She rolled over in the dishevelled bed and fumbled uselessly at the floor beside her, coming up empty as she knew she would. She heaved a sigh and let herself fall, defeated, onto the pillow, breathing in the stale smell of alcohol and smoke. It had helped at first, the drink. It had faded the memories to black as she let herself give in to tears in the quite and seclusion of the motel. But now...now she was plagued by the nausea of guilt.
This wasn't how it was supposed to turn out. She was all the things she swore she'd never be. She was making the same mistakes her Mom had made, and she hated herself for it. She thumped the heels of her hands into her temples, trying to make it stop. She was drowning in it, with no idea how to save herself.
Buffy. Buffy fucking Summers. Everything she'd never have. Maybe she should get out of town. Where would she go? Everything that was anything to her was here and as much as she'd fucked up, she knew Buffy, knew she wouldn't turn her back. She wanted it back the way it was, wanted to spend the time that they'd spent before. Wanted to be able to look her in the eye. She'd make it go away.
And we will only need each other, we'll breathe together
She was sure she'd never have the other girl the way she wanted her. Although, she'd seen the way she looked at her....just sometimes, the way she'd grab her hand and lead her away, the way they danced. And yet, it didn't matter. She might never have her, but she'd fight alongside her, bleed alongside her; she'd die for her if she had to.
I remember someone old once said to me:
The room seemed to change around her, it no longer held the comfort and safety she'd been craving. The lingering smoke stung her eyes, the smell of Jack burned her as she breathed, and the loneliness clung to her body as she looked down at herself.
She ripped off her stained white tank, dumping it straight into the bin as she headed for the small bathroom, stepping into the shower as soon as the water came on. The cold water shocked her body back to life, her hands running over her face and through her hair as the water heated slowly. She'd thought it was for the best, shutting herself away. She'd betrayed her Calling, betrayed her purpose. She'd betrayed Buffy. And so she'd put on the mask of indifference, made them believe she didn't care. Made them despair and tried so hard to make them give up. No, there was no way she deserved a chance with them...with her. But what else did she have to try for.
The clothes she pulled on over her still damp form clung to her skin and she stared at the tired face she found in the mirror. For a moment, she doubted her actions, stared into her own empty eyes and looked for their answers. If she could just...she closed her eyes and willed it all away- the guilt, the pain, the loneliness. And still, from the darkness behind her lids, the images sprung forth of her mistakes, of her memories.
Her eyes slid open, a new resolve hardening her gaze as she reached for the jacket slung so haphazardly over the back of a chair. The door swung shut behind her as she gulped in the outside air and narrowed her eyes against the sun. Maybe she'd crash and burn, maybe there was nothing she could do to make it right again, but as she began her journey towards the school, she somehow doubted it.