I'm standing in the middle of a field.
It's kinda on the top of a hill, so the trees surrounding
it are just a bit lower on the horizon. The grass is kinda deep, with
butter-yellow flowers scattered throughout it. I look down at my feet
and see a small butterfly fluttering by, unaffected by my presence.
I spin around slowly once or twice, looking to see if there is anyone
or anything recognizable around me, but it's just the grass, the trees,
the sun and the breeze.
I don't have to wait to hear the giggling sound of munchkins to tell me
that I'm not in 'Kansas' anymore.
Besides, I seem to be lacking the ever-fashionable ruby-slippers.
As if I'd ever fuckin wear them anyways. I'll stick to my black shit-kicker
boots, thank you very much.
It's a pretty typical dream, I guess. Grassy meadow, open spaces, birds
chirping, a sweet smell in the air from all of the flowers. I know it's
a dream, cos when I look up into the bright sun, I don't have to shield
my eyes and I can't seem to feel the warmth of it on my face.
That's generally the downfall of nice dreams: they always lack that one
crucial element that you know you're supposed to feel, but you just don't.
It's how you know that it's actually a dream, and that you're likely to
wake up to something not as nice.
But, see, this is just about where my dreams take on a different turn.
Cos just when I think it's not real, that I'm in a dream and everything
I'm feeling is just some kind of an image or illusion in my mind . . .
the tingles start.
From the bottom of my toes to the top of my scalp. A warm, gentle hum
reverberating through my body.
I start to spin again, excited, scanning my eyes over the horizon and
against the backdrop.
This is the part that I always see her. Buffy. Walking toward me in the
distance with a smile on her face, her white sundress moving lightly against
the breeze as she lifts her arm up and waves at me.
I always just stand there and smile back at her, my legs unable to move
under the influence of her beautiful gaze.
Sometimes it feels like she's moving in slow-motion; that I'll be standing
there waiting for her forever in the middle of the field. Sometimes, she
runs to me as fast as her bare-feet will carry her, jumping up and wrapping
her arms and legs around my body when she finally reaches me, sending
us both tumbling backwards until we're laying in the grass
Yeah, that's always the best outcome. Trust me; I have this dream a lot.
But, the dream is different today
The sunshine feels even more artificial than usual. That little butterfly
must've chosen another meadow today. And most importantly, there are no
tingles. She's not here in my dream
I start spinning around frantically, trying to find her figure somewhere
along the horizon. I can almost feel myself starting to panic, which is
weird in itself cos I'm normally cool as a fuckin cucumber. I can feel
my breathing become more crazy and erratic, drawing in short breaths and
exhaling them quickly. It's weird . . . the sounds of the birds are gone
and all I can hear is my own breathing; my heartbeat thumping fast in
my chest, pumping my blood hard and fast through my body. It's echoing
in my ears
As I spin more and more out of control, I finally lose my balance and
start to topple over onto my back. Just as I'm about to hit the ground,
I wake up from the dream with a gasp, quickly rising up into a sitting
position
"What, what's wrong?" I hear Cordy mumble as she sits up and looks at
me, concerned
I draw in a few deep breaths as I close my eyes and shake my head a bit,
trying to get rid of this feeling I'm having. Nightmares always seem to
fuck me up for a few minutes
After a few moments pass, I realize that Cordy is still staring at me,
her hand rubbing my lower back a bit
"Uhh.....it's nothing, C. Just got spooked is all." I mumble, quickly
laying back against the pillow and turning onto my side so that she can't
see my face
Having her stare at me like that is fucking trippy. It's like she can
see what I'm thinking and feeling without me even having to say it. Some
kinda secret super-power, I think. Vision-Girl
She stays sitting up for a minute, just staring down at me. Being under
her constant penetrative gaze is starting to get to me. Like I'm kinda
itchy all over. I can't take it anymore
"Cor, you're fucking trippin me out here." I say as I turn and give her
an annoyed glare. "I appreciate the hospitality and all, but seriously
. . . I never signed up to be part of a Faith Show."
She doesn't reply; she just lies down gently on her back, staring up at
the ceiling. I know what she must be thinking: she's probably gonna sic
the ghost on me. Fuck, that's what I'd do if I had a demon at my beck-and-call
But I feel pretty shitty for snapping at her. This whole 'hospitality'
thing is new to me, and I know I shouldn't take advantage. I'm not gonna
be able to sleep unless I say something
"I'm sorry....about the not-so-pleasantness. It's just . . . well . .
. not to bash your reputation as a good hostess, but I fucking hate this.
LA, I mean. I hate how things went down. I hate how bad things got. I
hate how I had to leave the one place I ever called home. For the gazillionth
time in my life, things are getting turned upside-down again, and I don't
think I'm ready to deal at the mo'. B turned me into a fuckin pussy."
After a few minutes of silence, she finally responds, turning on her side
to face me with a little grin on her face. Man . . . that grin . . .
"Yeah, she kinda did, didn't she?" She jokes
And it's just what I needed to make me forget the sitch for a minute and
just kinda chuckle and relax. I turn on my side to face her, propping
myself up on one elbow.
"Yunno . . . you're a pretty cool chick, Queen C. It's a shame I didn't
know you for longer before you jumped ship in Sunnydale. Maybe if I woulda
fucked you a few times, I woulda forgot all about B." I say the words
. . . but even I don't believe them. I think I just did it to kinda see
if the old Faith would be there to pop out . . . but I think it's gonna
take a little more than that
"Ha . . . you wish, Slayer. It's common knowledge that Cordelia Chase's
door only swings one way . . . and that's in the general direction of
the men-folk."
I shrug
"Hey, you can't knock it 'til you try it, Cor. Sometimes having the best
of both worlds can be a good thing." I joke, trying to keep light-hearted.
I really don't need another meltdown right now
I keep chuckling to myself, amused, until I notice that she's tilted her
head a bit and is staring at me with an inquisitive look on her face
"Show me." She says seriously
Excuse me?
"Excuse me?" I say
"Is your hearing broken too? I said 'show me'." And she leans forward
a bit towards me
I'm really feeling fuckin thrown by this.
Cordelia wants me to kiss her? See, this is the kinda thing I should be
thrilled about. Laying in a bed with a hot girl and getting asked for
some physical stuff. This is the part fo the test that I can always get
an 'A' on. Well, that, and the oral
On the other hand . . . it doesn't feel right. It feels so beyond fucking
wrong. And it reeks of some kinda twisted motive. She's setting me up.
Right? Right
But . . . fuck it. I'm Faith. This kinda shit is what I do
After hesitating for just a moment or two, I slide forward a bit so that
we're pretty close. She's staring into my eyes; not the moon-eyed kinda
gaze that says 'I wanna fuck you', but the kinda gaze that says 'I know
what's going on in your head. Now you just have to be able to see it'.
I'm not completely Buffy-whipped though; I still know how to work it,
so I decide that I'm gonna do this right. Before Cordy can change her
mind, my lips are on hers and my tongue is gently slipping into her mouth.
I kiss her nice and deep, flicking my tongue across the roof of her mouth
as I pull back to suck on her upper lip a bit. She groans into my mouth
a little, and I know that this is a fuckin HOT kiss, but . . . I don't
feel a thing. There's nothing.
I give her lower lip a few kisses and soft nibbles before pulling back
and flopping back onto my pillow and covering my face with my hands, groaning
into them. This is so fucking frustrating for me. You have no idea
Cordy sits dazed for a minute, composing herself as she moves to sit back
against the headboard
"That was . . . different," she says, staring at the wall a bit
"Yeah, different," I groan out
"And it was nice and hot and everything, but . . . no spark. How about
you?" She hedges
"Nothing," I groan again, pushing my palms into my tired eyes
I hear the scoff before I feel her pillow hit my arm
"Nothing! You're crazy! That was HOT, Faith! I'd put it right up there
in my top 5 kisses. Top 3."
I move my hands away from my face long enough to look at her and raise
my eyebrow. She scoffs again
"Okay, okay . . . top 2. But seriously . . . nothing?" She asks
I shake my head, running my fingers through my hair as I move my eyes
back up to stare at the ceiling. Cue frustrated sigh . . . now
"Oh god, I thought you were just being overly dramatic about this whole
fiasco. She really gave you some kind of mental handicap, didn't she?"
Oh boy. I've kicked Drama-Queen Cordy into gear with my little pseudo-rejection.
I cover my head with the pillow she tossed at me as she continues." I
mean . . . come on! I'm far more desirable than 99.9% of the population,
and when you kiss me, you feel 'nothing'? That's messed up, Faith."
The way she mimicked my voice when she said 'nothing' was pretty fucking
funny. Anyone else woulda got a kick in the ass for that one, but I'll
let her slide on it this time. I chuckle a bit into the pillow, and she
musta heard it cos it's suddenly off my face and on her lap again
"I'm serious, Faith, she broke you!" She says dramatically
I don't need to hear it anymore. I'm far aware of that fact. I groan before
flopping onto my stomach and burying my face in my pillow
She laughs. "The funny thing about pillows is that you can actually hear
through them if the other person TALKS VERY LOUDLY." She just about screamed
that last part
But me? I'm stubborn. We all know this. I show my objection to her talking
by kicking my leg a few times
After a few minutes of silence, I'm thinking that I won and that maybe
she'll shut up and go to bed. That's when I feel the pillow being yanked
from under me and my face hitting the mattress
I groan and kick my legs more
"Why are you bothering me about this right now?" I whine, uncharacteristically.
"Because, this is my apartment and I say so. You're the one who's waking
me up with your bad dreams in the middle of the night. We either talk
about this now and get it out, or I harass you about it all day long tomorrow.
The choice is yours, slayer."
I can hear the defiance in her voice. She's gonna win this. Fuck, I think
I've finally found someone who is more stubborn than I am
Thinking that I'd much rather spend 10 minutes on this than a whole day,
I flip over on the bed and lay on my back, stealing my pillow back and
putting it under my head
"Fine. You wanna talk? Let's talk. Did Buffy break me? Kinda, yeah. My
heart hurts, and my head hurts when I think about it. Everything is fuzzy.
I don't know how I feel about everything, but I know that I couldn't stay
in that position anymore cos it was killing me. If Buffy called me right
now and told me that she loved me and that things would change, I would
probably believe her and run my pathetic and well-built ass back to her.
But I'm trying to keep my resolve here, cos it hurts to not be
strong about it. And that's all. Can I sleep now?"
I can almost hear her analyzing everything that I just blurted out. I
wanna cover my head with my pillow, but I know that she'll just tear it
off, so I keep my eyes up toward the ceiling
After a few minutes, she starts speaking quietly
"When Xander cheated on me with Willow, my heart broke too. I never expected
to fall for someone like him, and if you would've told me that I was gonna,
I probably would have sued you or something. But, he won my heart. Then
. . . then he threw it back at me. I tried to be strong. I got through
the rest of the year with a fake smile on, and then I got out of there
as soon as I could. But the difference between you and me is, I ran because
I was weak; you ran because you were strong."
"I don't feel strong." I mumble
She scoffs
"Then toughen the fuck up. Take charge of your life." She sounds pissed
off now. She turns and faces me, staring intently into my eyes which have
drifted over to her. "What do you want?"
What do I want? There are a million things. Most importantly? Well, that's
easy
"I want Buffy." I say quietly
"Then fucking FIGHT for her. Stop pussy-footing around."
I groan, slamming my hands down on the bed in frustration. She doesn't
even blink an eye
"It's not that fucking easy, C. I can't play cat-and-mouse with her for
the rest of my life. If she wants me, and I mean really wants me,
she needs to tell me. I need to see the truth in her eyes, and feel that
she's ready to end the fucking games. If she can give me that? Then I'll
run back to her faster than my legs can carry me."
Cue silence. Cue reflection.
It only takes a few moments for Cordy to process all of that
"Okay then, we have a goal. We smack Buffy upside the head and make her
see what she's missing out on."
I chuckle. "Yeah, I kinda thought that my running away might have that
effect on her."
"Ooh, good. Way to put the plan into action. Okay, so part one is done.
Now . . . we just . . . wait on her." She says the last part optimistically,
but . . . I'm not feeling so positive. I can tell that she's a bit unsure
too by the way her voice trailed off into the silence
I roll onto my side and get comfortable, kicking the blankets off cos
it's hot as hell in here
"Thanks for the chat, C."
I can almost hear the little smile that creeps up on her lips
"It's my pleasure, Faith." She says, and lays back down against her pillow.
Then I hear her snicker. "Very much my pleasure." She mumbles under her
breath, making sure to say it just loud enough for me to hear
She knows that it will make me smile
And it does
I wake up in the morning before Cordelia does. It's a bit earlier than
normal for me, but there's no use in trying to sleep anymore. I sniff
a few times to clear my sinuses. I can barely smell the shampoo in my
hair anymore. The shampoo Buffy uses. I miss it. So, I decide to take
another shower before Cordy wakes up.
The first thing I smell when I step out of the bathroom, freshly showered
and dressed, is fresh coffee brewing. I walk into the kitchen, expecting
to see Cordy sitting at the counter, but I see the coffee pot floating
across the room instead and pouring into a floating cup
What the fu . . . ah, right. The ghost
I'd be a bit weirded out by it if it wasn't so damn convenient to have
him around. Unfazed, I walk to the chair at the counter and am about to
sit when I hear it being tugged back a little
Well, whattaya know? Ghostly has manners
"Umm...thanks." I say as I sit down on the chair and take a sip of the
coffee.
I hear a noise from the hallway and I turn to see Cordy standing there
staring at me
"Were you just talking to my ghost?", she asks with one eyebrow raised
I take a nice long glance around the apartment and a long sip of my coffee
before nodding to her. "I guess I am, yeah."
"Did he make you coffee?!" She says incredulously
"Kinda looks that way." I say with a shrug, still sipping at my coffee.
Cordy stomps bare-footed into the kitchen, looking around the place as
if she's trying to find something
"Phantom Dennis! You know her one day and are making coffee for
her? I have a hard enough time trying to get you to wash the windows,
and I've been living here with you for months now. That's just unfair."
She wears what she thinks is a menacing look on her face as she pours
her own cup of coffee
What can I say? I'm just likable like that. Plus, the guy probably appreciated
the fact that I walked completely naked from the bedroom to the bathroom
"Anyhow . . . I take it that you'll be staying here for awhile?" She asks
as she plops down on the chair opposite of me, looking slightly irritated
"Umm, I dunno. Am I?" I ask. I have no idea. Didn't really have a plan
when I came here
"Well, I just figure that since you unpacked your clothes and hung them
in the closet, you'd be staying for awhile."
I blink a few times. I did what? I left my clothes all messy in my bag
when I left to go into the shower. I . . . ah. I get it. Right. I hold
up my hands
"Don't look at me, Cor. I didn't do it. But I think your ghost may have
the teeniest bit of a crush on me."
Her eyes move around the room again, eyebrows furrowed and lips tight
"You're walking a thin line, mister." She grumbles into the mostly empty
room. Off in the other room, I hear a door closing on it's own. It seems
that the ghost is embarrassed now. Let's just hope he doesn't go all poltergeist
on us
"Give the guy a break, Cor. I'm hard to resist." I say with a slight smirk.
She just makes a little scoff noise and gets up from the chair, walking
towards the hallway with her coffee cup in her hand
"As if, Faith. Observe the resistance as I walk away and into the bathroom."
She closes the bathroom door behind her and I hear the shower turn on
I chuckle aloud into the room. Man, this chick really cracks me up. She's
one of the few people that can actually out-wit me. And trust me . . .
if she was up against the Faith from two summers ago, there would be no
resisting. I'd have her on the kitchen table with her legs spread wide
and my face buried in her pussy before she even knew what hit her. Let's
see her try to resist that
Fuck . . . that's a pretty hot image, actually. She's got these super-long
toned legs that just seem to go up and up forever. I'd love to have them
wrapped around my back as I slip my tongue into her . . . holy hell, I
gotta stop thinking stuff like that. I'm likely to lose my cool and just
cave
I don't want anyone but B, but . . . hot damn, Cordy's a nice distraction
Speaking of distractions, I kinda need one now to get my mind off of all
the nice and naughty thoughts I'm having. I hop over the back of her sofa
and prop myself up on some pillows before grabbing the remote and flicking
on the TV.
Infomercial. Crap. Football Game. Crap. 7th> Heaven. CRAP. The Simpsons.
Score! I settle back against the cushions and chuckle a few times as Homer
goes through the normal process of making an ass outta himself. I don't
think I've ever missed an episode of this show. Me and B used to watch
it together, too. I remember the night I moved into the apartment, everything
was still packed up in boxes, but I made sure to have the bed and the
TV all settled so I could watch the new episode that was on. I'm a dedicated
fan, yeah. But can you blame me? That shit is funny
Buffy liked the episode where Homer smokes weed, cos . . . wait a minute.
I'm not meant to be thinking about her.
I shake my head to clear the thoughts from it and decide to flip the channel.
There's gotta be something on that can distract me. Ooh, maybe Cordy gets
porn on her TV. I start flipping through all of the channels quickly,
watching like a hawk for any flashes of T&A. I was beginning to get discouraged
and annoyed when I heard the front door buzz
I keep still on the couch. I don't even think about bothering myself to
get up until I hear Cordy yell from the shower
"Faith . . . it's probably the paperboy! Can you pay him with the money
in the bowl on the table?"
Oh great. Now I'm her fucking personal assistant
I hop off the couch and make my way into the kitchen, grabbing a few dollar
bills from the bowl and making my way to the door as the buzzer rings
for a second time
"Keep your pants on, junior." I mumble as I unlock the multiple locks
on the door
Yunno, if I was really smart, I'd take this $9 and go get some breakfast
at McDonalds. But the thing about trying to be a responsible adult? Disappointing
people who are nice to you kinda stops you from doing careless stuff
I swing the door open half-way and don't even look up, my eyes concentrating
on re-counting the money in my hands before I hand it over
"I've got nine bucks, junior. Take it or leave it." I say flatly. What?
Paperboys aren't allowed to bargain?
"We're not here for your money." I hear a deep voice say
My eyes flick upwards at hearing the familiar voice, only to find myself
face to face with Xander and Anya. I swallow hard, waiting to get over
the shock of seeing them so I can take a breath
What the fuck are they doing here? After all of Cordy's hard work, I allow
myself to slip back into closed-off mode
"Okay. You don't want my money. Then what do you want?" I ask with disinterest.
"First," Anya interrupts, "that's Cordelia's money, as evident from the
strong perfume on it. Second . . . we'd like to take you home. Please
don't put up a fight. We might look weak and powerless, but we fight dirty.
I bite."
"And she pulls hair." Xander adds with a slight wince. Looks like he's
learned that the hard way
After standing and staring at them for a few minutes, I finally shake
my head and toss the $9 at Xander's chest.
"That should be enough money for gas back to SunnyD. Thanks for coming.
Enjoy your trip back."
And with that, I close the door and walk back to the couch, trying to
act as unaffected as I can. Being responsible doesn't necessarily mean
I have to be compliant, and I'll kick and scream and scratch and punch
to hold my ground
Yeah, maybe I'm not as adult as I'd like to think
Chapter Fourteen - Guilt Trip
No, I didn't actually think that they would go away just because I closed the door. I mean, sure . . . I was hoping it would work. But B's friends are, unfortunately for me, a bit smarter than hamsters. When they hit a wall in the maze, they just keep banging their big thick-skulled heads against it 'til they poke a hole through it.
Not literally, of course. That would just be weird. But you get what I mean.
I just barely sit my ass back down before the buzzing starts again.
"Geez, Slayer. Get off your ass and open the door. Are you seriously this deficient?" Cordy yells from the bathroom, the shower water now turned off.
"Faith, we know you're in there."
Well, duh. I hear Anya trying to be quiet and discrete. It doesn't work for her.
"Slide some money under the door, Xander. Tell her there will be even more for her if she opens the door."
Cha-ching. Maybe I should hold out for a bit longer.
Then again . . . between the voices, the banging, and the buzzing, I finally start to cave. I swear to god, these people will make me go schizo yet. I groan loudly enough for them all to hear before hopping off the couch and stomping my way to the door. And just to prove how annoyed I am . . . I kick one of Cordy's sneakers across the room, not even flinching as it crashes into the front door with a loud thud. As hoped for, it made everyone quiet down. They're probably afraid I'm about to freak out on them.
And this, my friends, is a perfect example of how to throw a temper-tantrum.
Putting on a big, overly sweet smile, I open the door and hold it open for Xander and Anya to walk in. They eye me suspiciously before passing by, glancing at me over their shoulders.
"Welcome to La Casa Cordelia. Please take off your shoes and keep your hands to your sides at all times." I say in a big dramatic voice, kinda like I head that one tour-guide chick do at the Grand Canyon once.
It's kinda funny as I watch Anya slide off her shoes with a smile on her face, looking all around the place with interest, like it's a fucking museum. I chuckle to myself and plop back down on the couch, anxiously flipping through the channels.
After a few moments of some pretty awkward silence, Xander finally sits down on the chair opposite me and leans forward with his elbows on his knees, looking right at me. I try not to let his gaze bother me, cos I know I'm likely to break under pressure. This will be easier if I just start things off.
"So . . . what's up, Xan? Taking a long weekend to see the sights in big LA?" I ask as if I really had no clue why he was there.
"Yeah, I was just about to ask you the same thing, Faith. You know, it's not exactly travel season yet. Besides . . . LA? I always pictured you going somewhere more . . . exotic." He's still staring at me. There's no doubt he knows about everything that happened between me and B at this point. He's got on that 'concerned friend' face.
I shrug.
"This is just a pit-stop for me, Xan-man. Thought I'd visit a friend while I was passing through. But I'll be heading out soon. Don't wanna cramp anyone's style here."
It's true. As cool as Cordy is, I'd never put her off by crashing with her like this for too long. Another day or so and I'm gonna head out and go to . . . well, I haven't quite got the 'where' figured out yet.
Before Xander can respond, I hear a little offended scoff that can only becoming from the Queen herself.
"Two days? That's not even near enough time for me to give you all of the Cordelia therapy that you need."
I give her a little smile before I say quietly, "I don't need therapy, C. Not the kind you're willing to give." I waggle my eyebrows at her a little for good measure. That's just about when I feel my head being smacked from behind.
Anya.
"You're not supposed to be having any kind of therapy or sexual healing, unless it's the kind that comes from your girlfriend. Buffy. Remember her? About 5'3, pouty, likes to kill stuff.." She puts emphasis on the word 'girlfriend' and gives Cordy an evil glare. Cordy just glares at her back.
And Xander, well . . . he just looks nervous and uncomfortable. Not only did he used to date Cordy, not only is he dating Anya now, but he also had a roll in the sack with me. Every single one of the three people in his life that ever saw his unit, all here in one room. I probably would have paid more attention to him and the little nervous gestures he was making if I hadn't been distracted by the evil glares being passed between Cordy and Anya. I stand up, putting myself between them. Just to be safe.
Besides . . . having a little sandwich action between the two of them could be just the distraction that I'm looking for. A smirk creeps up on my face at the though, but I fight it back as I give Anya a serious look.
"Buffy's not my girlfriend, An." And now everyone is looking at me.
"But . . . I saw you with the touchy and the feely in the kitchen. And there were the moon eyes, and . . . and . . . the sex smell! You both smelled like sex. Sex with each other." She says with a little pout, then nods as if she's made a valid point.
"Yeah, the sex." Xander agrees, nodding his head and standing up. "That was going on for awhile. There has to be some kind of girlfriend-liness that's associated with that."
I look at him, furrowing my eyebrows. I'm kinda confused here.
"Wait . . . are you tryin' to tell me that you knew all along?" I ask.
He gives me a guilty little nod before taking a deep breath.
"We all kinda knew, Faith. Even Willow and Giles. It's not easy to hide that kinda thing. Despite what you may believe, we're smarter than your average hamster."
My eyes fall to the floor as I run over what he just said over and over. I'm feeling like the biggest asshole right now. I mean . . . I know that B and me weren't exactly discreet all of the time. There was more than one occasion where we had to tear away from each other as someone walked into the room during one of our make-out sessions. But you know what's bothering me the most? If they knew, and they're such good friends with B, why didn't they say anything about it? They coulda saved so much time and heartache. They had to see that it was hard for me and B to pretend that there was nothin' going on.
I shake my head a bit, raising my eyes back up at Xander who is now standing next to Anya with his arm around her back. They're both staring at me, trying to read my facial expressions.
"Why didn't you say anything then?" I ask quietly. I need to know. Is it me? Was it because they didn't want me with her?
Xander shrugs, looking to Anya for help.
"It wasn't our news to tell. The Buffster was going through a lot of changes in her life . . . she still is. She needs to come to terms with it on her own, and then tell everyone when she's comfortable with it herself. It's a big step, Faith, admitting that she's in a hot and steamy lesbian relationship with another slayer, and on top of that, that she's head-over-heels crazy in love. You can't force something like that out of a person."
I sigh dramatically, rubbing my eyes with my fingertips.
"Fuck, Xan . . . that was the problem though. She was too afraid to tell anyone. Ashamed even. If she had known that you guys knew and supported her . . . shit, things coulda ended a lot different then they way they are now."
I walk back over to the couch and plop down in the middle, just disgusted with the whole situation. To think that this whole thing coulda been avoided . . . just makes me feel sick.
"Things don't have to end this way." He says, sitting down to my one side.
"Yes they do." I respond. "She's better off without me; she can have her perfect little life with the meathead she's 'dating'. Besides . . . she'd never able to admit that she loves me in front of her friends. Her precious reputation would be tainted."
That came out a bit more sarcastic and bitter than I had intended. Oops.
He shakes his head. "You obviously don't know her as well as you think you do." I look up into his eyes and he continues.
"I get this call in the middle of the night from Willow, telling me that I needed to come to her and Buffy's room. I'm thinking . . . 'hey, party at the dorm'. I grab the appropriate offering of chips and pretzels from my cupboard, pick up Anya, and head off for what I'm thinking is gonna be a fun time filled with ha-ha's and hearty chuckles. We get there and I find Willow holding the Buffster as she lay crying on her bed. Right away, I think the worst . . . she's hurt, or her Mom is hurt, or . . . just bad stuff. I run over, ready to lay my pathetic little life down on the line just to defend her existence. She's so choked up with sobs that all she can say is your name."
I keep my eyes trained on the floor as he talks, trying to avoid moving at all. See, I knew that picking up and leaving like that would hurt B, but the up-side to that was that I didn't have to deal with the aftereffects. I know that seems harsh. It is. But had I just have broken it off with her and hung around in SunnyD, I woulda been back at her side in the matter of hours. Leaving was my only option.
Xander keeps telling me his little story, and I can feel his gaze burning into me. Man, this kid can be serious when he wants to be.
"When I heard her say your name . . . I can't even explain, Faith. I thought the bad of all bads had happened. I didn't know what to do. I knew something like that would kill Buffy, even if she wanted to play all Denial-Girl about the two of you. Before I had the chance to really freak out, Will cut in and told me that you had left. Just . . . up and out the door with your bags tossed over your shoulder. That's the point when Buffy was able to stop crying long enough to look up at me with her big green eyes and say the words you doubt she'd ever be able to say."
He stands up and starts pacing the room.
Does this mean what I think it means?
"What are you saying, Xan?" I ask, keeping my head tilted down but looking up at him with my eyes. I can feel the tears burning in my throat.
"Have you not been listening to any of this conversation?" Anya asks, turning to face me on the couch. "She told him that she loves you. She said it in front of all of us. I'm not into vengeance anymore Faith, but . . . your wish was granted. Buffy told her friends that she loves you, and then she cried her eyes out all night long."
I'm still having a hard time believing that she actually told her friends about it. It seems so . . . surreal. Fuck, they know I'm with Buffy, and they're not trying to stab me or anything right now. But that brings me to another point. What exactly are they doing here?
"So, what's up? You here to drag me back, kicking and screaming?" I ask, lifting my head up and trying to stare Xander down. I can be scary when I need to.
"Actually, yeah," Xander replies with a crooked smile. Then he gets a serious look on his face. "Buffy told me she loves you. The she asked me to help her; to get you back. And that's what I'm here to do. I know I don't look like much to you, Faith, but I'll do anything for my friends. Even if that involves getting squished by an angry Slayer in combat boots."
Awkward silence fills the room.
Fuck, I don't know about all this. How can I justify going back? Xander can pull and drag me all he wants, but I'll pull his lip over his head and make him swallow. If I go back, it's not cos of him. I think over it for a few moments. As much as I love B, I can't see me going back just because she's upset.
I can't do it.
I lower my eyes and shake my head, yet again trying to act as unaffected as possible. My voice comes out as a quiet mumble.
"What's done is done. It's too far gone, Xan. I'll always have Buffy's back, but . . . I can't go back for any other reason right now. I can't justify that in my own mind."
He steps forward and stands right in front of me by the couch, his arms hanging at his sides. His eyes plea with mine as he stoops down and rests his hand on mine.
"Then justify it in your heart."
I hold his gaze for a minute before looking away, moving my hand from under his, crossing my arms across my chest. That's my final answer.
And he knows. He can tell that I'm not gonna budge.
"Fine," he states, defeated. "Come on, Anya. Let's go."
Anya stands up and grabs his hand, letting him lead her away towards the door. Just before he's about to lead her out, her cell phone rings. She hands it to him to answer, telling him it's Willow's phone as she puts on her shoes that she so kindly took off earlier.
"Hey Wills . . . yeah, it's a no-go . . . I tried . . . yeah, I know. We'll be hopping back on the freeway in about 10 minutes, so we'll be back in a few . . . wait, what?? What do you mean? . . . How did he . . . is she . . . are you taking her to the hospital? . . . okay, stay where you are, we'll be back as soon as humanly possible." And he hangs up.
He turns to face the door to walk out and comes face to face with me.
I'm not an idiot. I know who he was talking about. Something happened to B.
"What happened?" My voice is low and . . . I'll be damned if it didn't just tremble a bit when I said that.
"It's not your concern, Faith. We'll send you a letter or something."
Yunno . . . he picks the wrong times to get smart with me.
"Xander!" Cordelia scolds.
"What?" He responds, annoyed.
"Hey." Anya pipes up as she takes a step towards Cordy. "Xander is MY boyfriend. Only I can say his name like that. I'll ask you nicely to refrain from using such tones, and then I'll have to star pulling hair."
Cordy chuckles and steps forward. "Do your worst. It's been awhile since I've gotten to kick some ass."
A small smile cracks up on Xander's lips before he steps between them, puffing his chest up all manly.
"Ladies, ladies. You can both yell at me."
I'd like to tell you I got to see a girly-fight and know how it all ended, but I don't. While they were all wrapped up in the moment, I grabbed Xander's keys from the table and made my way down to his car.
Not my concern? Yeah fucking right. Buffy's hurt, and . . . I can't help but feel guilty. This is my fault. And I have to make it better.
I'm on a guilt-trip to Sunnyhell.
I dunno how long it took me to get to SunnyD, but it definitely didn't take as long as it did on that damn bus. It's weird to think that less than 24-hours ago, I was on a bus running away from there, and now I'm running back like a scared little girl.
I'm pretty much panicking at this point. I don't know what happened, but I know it's bad. I can feel it. I wasn't about to wait around and ask Xander during that little show of hormones a while back. Besides, I couldn't take his shit at that moment. Something is wrong with B, and I have to help. Or fix it. Or do something. I can't just sit and let her . . . fuck, I don't even wanna think about it.
I drive through Sunnydale, scoping the usual place for the remaining Scoobs. The dorm, B's house, Xander's house, Giles' apartment . . . hell, I even checked out the Bronze. No sign of anyone. Frustrated, I drive back to my old apartment and decide to start calling around.
As I approach the building, I feel a slow tingle running through me. It's the Slayer bond. B's in my apartment. I pull the car over as quick as I can, leaving it running as I leap out and leave the door open.
The front door flies off of its hinges as I push it open and bound up the stairs three at a time. I was nervous before, but now the anxiety of not knowing what I'm walking into here is killing me.
When I get up to my floor, I'm surprised to find Willow there, waiting for me.
"Hey." She says, looking like she's trying to quiet and calm me down.
"Hey." I respond back, stopping right in front of her while I try to even out my breathing. I look into her eyes and then glance over her shoulder before looking back at her. I feel like I can't bring myself to say the words and ask what happened. "So, you knew I was coming?"
She nods, her face serious.
"Xander called and told me about the slight case of grand-theft auto. You're lucky you didn't get pulled over, Faith. You could've got into lotsa trouble. You don't even have a license."
"Yeah, yeah." I say, motioning my hands for her to speed it along. She can save the lectures for later. I never really listen to them anyways.
"We decided to leave the dorm and go back to Buffy's house. She just wanted to be somewhere quiet. It was the middle of the day, so we really weren't really on full alert. That, and, she had been so upset that I don't think she was really in full Slayer-mode. We just get about half-way across the quad by the bike path and we come face-to face with Spike."
"Spike?" That name is familiar. "William the Bloody?"
She nods her head.
"The vampire?"
She nods again.
"In broad daylight?"
She nods and starts to fiddle nervously with her hands.
"He found a gem that basically makes him impervious when he wears it. We thought it was just a myth, so we never even knew it was a threat to us. Heck, we didn't even know he was back in town from the last time he ran scared. Anyhow, that's how he was able to be out in daylight. He caught us off-guard . . . Buffy tried to fight, but . . . he had the upper-hand."
I nod my head, hoping that she'll let up for a minute. I need to breathe this all in. My eyebrows are furrowed so tight that I'm sure they're gonna stay like that permanently. She continues softly, laying her hand on my forearm to comfort me.
"I think she's got some broken ribs . . . he kicked her pretty hard. Her lip is busted open, but it stopped bleeding. She's got bruises all over, but I think they're already starting to heal a bit. And, don't freak out . . . he . . . he bit her."
My eyes go all big as my breath catches in my throat.
"He didn't turn her, and he didn't get near to draining her, but . . . she's weak. And she's still crying. She's really upset, Faith."
I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to punch the wall. I want to tear down the walls of this apartment building and howl in fury. I'm itching because I'm so conflicted here . . . I don't know what to do.
Maybe Red can sense my internal conflict, cos she's touching my arm again and trying to get me to look up at her.
Cautiously, I raise my anger-filled eyes back up to hers and wait for whatever she's about to throw my way. This is partly my fault. Fuck, it's all my fault. If I hadn't left, none of this shit woulda happened. I'm guilt-ridden.
"Fix it." Red whispers, nodding her head very slightly in the direction of the door.
I can't respond. I just nod my head and walk slowly toward the door to my apartment. I will the tears to stay back, but my throat is burning from them now. I can taste them. It's taking all my power to keep from crying out in anger, frustration, and hurt.
Tentatively, I walk into the apartment and look around. There's a dim light coming from my bedroom. Our bedroom. The room I shared with B. I take slow and quiet steps, so scared to come face to face with her in the state she's in. If I suffer from one thing, it's pride. I never let the people I care about get hurt. B coulda died cos of my negligence and stupidity. Not only is my pride hurt . . . but so is my heart.
Gently, I push the bedroom door open just a bit more so I can walk through. My heart jumps up into my throat as I see B laying there, all bandaged and bruised and bloodied. My jaw clenches and I take a deep breath through my nose . . . I'm swallowing back so many raw feelings right now.
She must've heard my breathing cos her eyes suddenly open and move to mine. Her bottom lip trembles and her eyes well up with fresh tears.
I close the distance between us and sit on the edge of the bed next to her, giving her a small smile as I bring the bottom of my shirt up to her face to wipe away her tears.
"Hey." I whisper, trying to sound as calm as possible.
"Hey." She answers back with a low rasp. It only takes a minute for her to start crying more forcefully. "I'm so sorry," she whimpers as she leans her bruised face into my hand, closing her eyes and letting the tears roll down the sides of her face and into her hair.
"Shhhh," I whisper, moving my other hand so that I'm holding her face gently, rubbing my thumbs over her cheeks to brush away her tears. "You have nothing to be sorry for. I'm sorry . . . for leaving like that. I never shoulda . . . shit, I'm just sorry, Buffy."
She opens her eyes and nods her head a little, moving her head to the side to kiss the palm of my right hand.
Just when I think that my anger has melted away . . . that I just want to sit here and comfort her and make her better . . . I see the bandage on her neck pull back as a trickle of blood escapes down her neck and onto the pillow.
I grab the damp cloth from the bedside table and wipe it away, clenching my jaw to hold back my seething anger. No one does this to someone I love and gets away with it. Fuck it . . . I've been so stupid. B is my girl. No one is ever gonna touch her again.
Slowly, I lean down and brush my lips against her forehead before standing up from the bed.
"Wait . . . why . . . please don't leave me." She pleads, holding onto my hand as I try to move away.
No, I'm not leaving you, B. Never again. I kneel down next to the bed, keeping my one hand in hers as my other comes to brush the hair away from her face.
"I'm not leaving you, baby. I'll be back, I promise. I . . . I have to make things right. This never shoulda happened, B. I've gotta set things right before I can make things better . . . before we can make 'us' better."
She nods her head, understanding fully what I have to do. As much as she may not like it, she knows there's no way she can stop me from what I have to do.
"Faith, please . . . be careful . . . he's almost unbeatable, and he's so strong . . . please be careful, I . . . I can't lose you again. I love you." She manages out between tears.
I give her a little nod and lean down to give her a soft kiss on her bruised lips. I pull back and keep eye contact with her for just a moment before standing up and kissing the top of her hand, finally pulling away from her as I walk towards the door.
Thank god I left most of my weapons behind. I reach into my weapons cabinet in the living room and pull out a stake, a hunting knife, and a small hand-axe. I tuck them into my leather jacket before making my way into the hallway, passing red along the way.
"Faith? What's going on?"
I keep my eyes pointed forward, determination washing over me.
"Time to set things right." I mumble as I start to bound down the stairs, twirling my stake in my hand.
Nothing's gonna stop me now.
Chapter Fifteen - Taking the 'Solution' Out of Resolution
The walk from my apartment to the campus isn't very long. Especially now since I'm in Slayer-mode. My steps are long and graceful, each stride taken with confidence as I carry myself towards my destination. Eat your heart out, Terminator. I make this look right.
You may be wondering why I'm not just driving there to save on time.
Well, did you know that Sunnydale has the sixth highest number of incidences of car theft in the State of California? Yeah, neither did I. Fuckin' thieves. Xander is so gonna have a meltdown. But I've got bigger things to worry about. Such as . . . how do you beat an invincible vamp with a stake, an axe, and a knife?
Talk about failure to plan. I don't need a stake, I need a fucking cannon.
Don't get me wrong . . . I'm gonna find a way to win because I can't let a second-rate vamp with an ego problem top me. Plus, there's that whole "he hurt B so now I have to kill him hard" thing going on. It's just . . . fuck, I've gotta learn to prepare better. Remind me to take a seminar or something.
I get to the edge of campus and I know that something's gotta be up. There's not a single person around. Even in the middle of the night, you can find a few drunk frat guys or some chick on her nightly jog with her big bottle of pepper-spray clenched tightly in her hand. B and I always tried to make sure that things were extra safe around here. Cos after all . . . if you can't be safe in your own backyard, where else can you turn to?
Seeing as that there's a lack of people walking around, I pull the hand-axe out from under my jacket and hold it in my hand, readying myself to lash out at any small movement. I hear a small rustle in the branches above me and I turn and take a long swipe with the axe, slicing a falling leaf in half.
Great. Get your shit together, Faithy. You're supposed to be slicing and dicing vamps, not making a salad.
I loosen up my shoulders a bit and take a deep breath, trying to relax myself when I hear some faint thudding in the patch of woods not too far behind me. Footsteps. Steel-toed boots. Size 12. Slight swagger in the step.
My head spins towards the direction of the noise, my breath held in my chest as I wait to see some kind of movement. My body is tense again, my hand gripping tightly onto the axe-handle.
The first thing I see before I can even tell that it's a human-form is a flash of platinum blonde hair. Just a moment later, I see the full figure emerge out of the brush, long black duster to complete the dark ensemble. Steel-toed boots. Size 12.
God, I'm fucking good at this.
"Lovely night for a walk, in'it?" His voice breaks out lowly into the silence of the night. The smell of his cigarettes is wrapped around him, as stale and putrid as the scent of his faux-leather duster. "Kinda late for a pretty lil' thing like yourself to be just walkin' around out 'ere with your . . ." he glances down and sees the axe in my hand, ". . . very large axe."
Ooh. I don't like this fucker already. The time for pleasantries is done. In one flowing motion, I rear my arm back and fling the axe at him. It slides through the cool air quickly, impaling in his thigh before he had even realized that it had left my hand.
Hey, bonus. At least it didn't bounce off him like he was made of stone or something. Then I woulda really been shittin' my pants.
"Owwww. That bloody well hurt!" He yells as he grabs the handle and yanks the axe out, tossing it aside. I see the emerald ring on his hand flicker in the moonlight. Jackpot.
"You shoulda kept that." I mumble as start to take long strides in his direction. "Coulda been your last hope."
He shakes his head, smirking and chuckling to himself as he takes one last drag of his cigarette and tosses it to the side. "Everyone's a whitehat these days. What's a bloke gotta do to get some minions?" He mumbles under his breath. At that moment he looks up, his eyes flashing yellow. "Don't need an axe to beat you, luv. Got all the weapon I need right here," he boasts, then morphs into game face.
He's only able to take about two steps before I lunge forward that last step and start pummeling him with my fists. He blocks a few of my punches, but I'm able to disorient him a bit with the few that I was able to sneak through his defenses. He manages to pull back in his arm and give me a nice upper-cut to the jaw, tossing me off of him long enough to catch a breath.
"Baaaad manners. You never even told me your name, kitten." He stalks over to me where I landed, smirking down at me. "Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Spike." And he kicks me hard in the ribs, sending me flying into the nearest tree.
"I know who you are, William the Bloody." I say with contempt, spitting out the blood that worked its way up into my mouth. "Now, allow me to introduce myself. I'm Faith." I jump up into a standing position and take my fighting stance. "The vampire slayer."
He stops and looks at me, then chuckles as he lowers his arms.
"Try a new story, luv. I've heard that one before. Unless . . ." he gets a thoughtful look on his face, ". . . did she die? Is she dead? Did I finally manage to beat Buffy-bloody-Summers?"
I'm pretty sure that he's misjudging the situation. He's taking steps closer to me, his defenses lowered as he rests against the tree he just bounced me off of. He continues his little boast.
"That brings the count up to three. Ol' Angelus would be so envious. But . . . I thought I'd at least get a bit more time than that before a new Slayer was called."
I lower my shoulders a bit, hoping to distract him from thinking I'm gonna attack.
"Three things." I say lowly. "One . . . get an update on the info when you've been away for so long. You make yourself look like an asshole when you say this shit out loud. Two, never let your guard down." I watch as he visibly tenses, realizing that I'm probably about to make my move. I continue quickly.
"And three, old slayer . . ." I spin around and pull the knife from my jacket, impaling him in his shoulder and pinning him to the tree, ". . . new tricks. You may be invincible, but that doesn't mean I can't hurt you."
I start to pummel him again, swinging my arms wildly and knocking him in the head every time. He'd probably fall to the ground unconscious if that knife wasn't holding him up to the tree. I kinda wince as I hear his flesh tear as his body goes limp and he hangs from the blade, his own weight working against him.
After a few minute of beating him senseless, I finally take a step back and rest my hands on my knees, catching my breath and trying to figure out my next move.
And then it hits me. Get the fucking ring.
He whimpers a bit as I approach him, trying hard to stand on his wobbly legs. I just shake my head at him as I grab his hand and try to pry the ring off. He closes his fist tight, trying to hold onto it with all of his might. It's like trying to get a piece of candy out of a kids' hand . . . he ain't budging. I sigh loudly.
"Listen up, living dead. I've got better things to do than sit here and play 'mother' with you. Open your hand and give it to me nicely, or I'm gonna drive a stake through your limp wrist and chop your hand off with that axe over there."
It only takes him a moment to unclench his hand and let me pull the ring off.
"Thank you" I say as I pocket the ring, smacking him across the head just for fun. I know I have to finish the bastard off . . . and luckily, I have that stake I was promising him tucked away in my jacket still. I pull it out and get ready to get it done when he mumbles a few words to himself.
"Faith . . . I know that name. Where do I . . . ahh, yeah . . . I know now. That's the name your precious Buffy gasped out when I slid my fangs into her sweet neck." He looks up at me, his eyes weary and wild at the same time. "Does that drive you mad? That I got to taste her, to claim her?"
"You almost done yet?" I interrupt, thoroughly annoyed that he thinks he can get to me with that crap.
He looks up at me, studying my face. He's trying to find a weak point . . . something he can exploit in hopes of possibly saving himself. Or maybe he just wants to go out thinking that he was able to affect me. Both you and I know that I'm not gonna give him that.
"I could smell you all over her, through the salt from her tears. Were you the one to make her cry?" I visibly flinch. He perks up a bit. "Ahh, that's it. You caused those tears. Then you weren't there for her when her throat was getting torn out. And still . . . your name was the last word on her lips after she pleaded for her life. Interesting."
Oh great. Another vampire with a degree in psychology. Just what I fucking need. Tell me . . . why does everyone want to piss me off? Am I wearing a "kick me" sign on the back of my shirt or something? And here all I wanted to do was kill the vamp and protect the girl.
"Listen up, blondie. I love Buffy, and she loves me. Things got confusing there for awhile, but I know we have the real deal now. And you better bet your pale-ass that I'm gonna defend her from bleach-blond pieces of undead shit like you." I keep my eyes fixed on his as I step forward and start flipping the stake around in my hand.
"That slayer is battin' for the same team now? Pardon me; slayers. Can't say that's an entirely unhappy image for me. Did you ever think that maybe it hurts so bad because now you know she loves you . . . but you're not sure if you really love her? Any vamp with half his senses can smell the hurt coming off of you like cheap perfume. Maybe you didn't show up to play hero earlier because you just . . . didn't want to. Maybe . . . you want her to be hurt, because you're hurting too. Ever think of that, luv?"
I know I shouldn't let him get to me, but . . . I'll be fucked if he's not making me step back and consider his words. Maybe somewhere in my fucked up little mind, I started to associate hot sex with love. But Buffy and I have so much more than that. We have . . . TV watching days..that lead to hot sex. We have cuddle time . . . which leads to hot sex. We have play-chases after slaying . . . that lead to hot sex.
Shit, is it possible that what he said is true? Did Buffy start to love me more and more as time went by? Did I love her the most when I didn't have her, and then just start to accept the sex as love as we started having other issues? I mean . . . looking back on it, I'm fairly certain . . . no, I mean I'm completely fucking certain that I remember feeling nothin' but love for her the entire time.
But dead-boy here has me pretty much questioning it all now. There's only one way to fix this.
I turn and face him.
"Hey Freud? Die. Now."
I close the distance that I had walked away while I had been doing my little doubt-fest and spin the stake in my hand. My hand clutches around the handle and I draw it back, using all of my strength to plunge it forward again. I just about have it down to his chest when I feel myself getting tackled to the ground and a burst of commotion going on around me.
"Move! Move! Move! Subdue the girl and secure the hostile!"
There are about a half-dozen guys in army fatigues around me with these weird fucking guns pointed at Spike. They're not even worried about me, or about the one poor guy who thinks he's strong enough to hold me down. He's already stood up with his foot on my back to hold me down to the ground.
I fling him off of me like he's made of air, slamming him into another soldier. Three other soldiers turn their weird-ass guns on me, snapping orders like I'm actually gonna listen. I stay in fighting stance, daring any one of them to step up.
That's right. It's a battle of balls, and I got the biggest pair of them all.
After only a few moments pass, I see the last soldier step forward and issue an order for the others to stand down and to secure the vamp. They lower their guns straight away and turn their attention back to Spike, who is now looking like a scared puppy. The last soldier steps forward from out of the shadows, revealing his face to me.
"Meathead?" I ask, instantly recognizing the face of B's boy-toy as of late.
"Actually, it's Riley. Agent Riley Finn. And you're . . . Buffy's friend, right?" He says casually, kinda like we're old friends. And . . . I could be wrong but, I think the fucker just tried to shake my hand.
Seriously. Do I give off the kinda vibe as someone that shakes hands and plays nicely after I've just been tackled to the ground and had my kill stolen? If he's expecting 'nice' he has another thing coming.
"Friend? Nah. I just stalk her and she kindly puts up with it." I reply sarcastically. "So, tell me this, Agent Finn: What's with the soldier get-up? And why are you stealing my kill? You seem to have a seriously problem of taking what's mine."
He has this confused look on his face. I sigh and roll my eyes before continuing.
"Slayer, comma, The. That's me. And Buffy. She's a slayer too. The original, actually. Betcha didn't know that, did ya Beefy?"
Part of me is thinking, 'okay, why are you giving up your secret identity, genius?' Then again . . . I'm not Clark Kent, and this dude has gotta know about this shit if he's wrangling a vamp with a bunch of high-tech gizmos.
"Buffy's the Slayer?" He asks aloud, more to himself than to me. "I can't believe she didn't say anything. That must be why she'd never let me hold her hand or touch her . . . it's the Slayer life-style. She's used to harsh training and lots of solitary time, at least according to the textbooks. Maybe she . . ."
"Whoa whoa whoa." I interrupt, holding my hands out for him to stop. "She didn't want you touching her cos she happens to like pussy. Mine, in fact. So maybe you should take the multitude of hints and BACK OFF."
I'm up in his face, giving him the most dangerous glare that I can manage. I'm pretty sure that he's gettin' the hint now, cos he's taking a step back and holding up his hands.
"Hey, I'm not the one to get involved in lovers quarrels. I wouldn't have ever went out with her had I have known. Rest assured . . . I won't be going there again. You have my word as a soldier."
Good. The meathead knows what's good for him. I wasn't really in the mood to be torturing him anyhow. I have other people to torture and ki . . . fuck, where the hell did Spike go? And what's with the whole soldier thing anyways?
"Okay . . . I have your word as a soldier. So, what exactly is happening to my friend Spike over there?" I ask and nod over towards the direction of the now unconscious vamp. The question kicks him right into soldier-mode. He stiffens up.
"The hostile will be contained and handled in a manner that is in accordance with the Initiative. By authority of the US government, I remove him from your custody and will transport him into a specialized containment unit. The situation is hereby controlled."
Umm . . . what?
Wait, that's a good thing, right? They're gonna take Spike off of my hands, and I don't have to get dust in my hair? Sounds like an even payout to me. But I can't let him get away with just taking my kill away from me like that. I have to show some kinda resistance.
"Well, I was gonna kill him real good, yunno." I say, grabbing my stake from the ground and twirling it again, showing off my skills. "He brought the hurt to Buffy? I bring the hurt to him."
His face gets even more serious.
"He hurt Buffy?" He asks solemnly. I nod, looking just as serious. "He'll be put in a new program. He'll never hurt another person again. You have my word."
I nod at him again and we hold gazes for just a moment before we both walk off quietly in different directions. Do I believe him? Yeah. Something in me is telling me that he means business right now. He looked truly pissed when I told him that Spike had hurt B. As much as I wanna make him out to be the bad guy cos of all the shit that happened between me and Buffy . . . it's not his fault. He was pretty clueless about . . . well, damn near everything, I guess.
And I'm pretty sure that he's gonna take care of Spike reeeeal good.
I take a slow walk back towards the apartment, not sure if I'm ready to face everything yet. Xander and Anya are probably back by now, and he's gonna be looking for his car right away. I'm thinking I might try to blame that on Spike somehow . . . there's no reason to make everyone upset with me when I have a perfectly good scapegoat to utilize. Red is gonna want a full report on everything, but really? I'm just too exhausted to go over things right now. I can use a nice warm bed and lotsa sleep, but . . . B happens to be in my bed right now. I'm not sure that we're to the point that we're ready for all that again.
Goddamned Spike. Here I was, ready to make things better and hop back on the horse. But now he has my mind filled with all kindsa doubts. Is what Buffy and I have really love? Or is it more of a dependency kinda thing? We kinda jumped head-first into things after graduation without really talking about any of it. After our first night together . . . we just both just assumed that we were 'together' together. There was no dating, and there was no asking her if she wanted to be my girlfriend . . . . everything just was.
Maybe we have to take two steps back before we can take one step forward. Cos really . . . what comes first, the chicken or the sex? Okay, that made more sense in my head, but yunno what I mean. If B and I really wanna be together . . . maybe we need to start out with the simple stuff first. Dating. Telling the friends. Taking it slow.
It sounds like a viable plan to me. But exactly how am I gonna explain that to her?
The whole thing is weighing heavy on my mind as I make my way back into the apartment building and up the stairs. My boots are heavy on the stairs, clunking loudly on the old mahogany steps. The Scoobs know that I'm there long before they see me walk in the door.
A barrage of questions hit me before I even have the door closed behind me. 'Where's Spike? Are you okay? What happened? Where's my car? Is everything taken care of? Where's Xander's car? Is that a footprint on your back?'
I shake my head a little and decide to answer their questions all at once.
"Blondie is taken care of, but not quite dust. We can all rest easy tonight. Except for maybe Xander, who needs to go report his stolen car. The footprint is from a commando, but I'm all good. I'll tell you more about it in the morning. But in the meantime . . . bed. How . . . how is Buffy?"
Everyone quiets down, except for Xander of course, who is having a mini-meltdown on the sofa. Anya is doing her best to comfort him, but it looks like she's secretly excited. I think she's already thinking about what kind of new car she'd like.
"She's doing better . . . the Slayer healing is really picking up now. She's just . . . tired, I think. And she's worried about you, so . . . maybe you can go in and see her?" Willow says, looking over at me timidly. Like she's afraid that I'll not want to be near B.
"Of course I will. Later, guys. I'm gonna crash. I'll take care if B, so . . . you guys can go home for the night. Meet back here in the morning. Bring food and coffee or I ain't letting you in."
I stalk off towards the bedroom after giving them all a small smile, letting them know that everything's gonna be okay. I wait until I hear the door close behind them before kicking off my boots and turning off the lights, finally making my way into the bedroom.
B is laying there with a sheet draped over her, looking kinda pale and tired. She smiles as soon as she sees me and lifts up the sheet for me to slide under. I give her a small smile before taking off my pants and shirt and climbing onto the opposite side of the bed.
"All taken care of?" She asks softly, her eyes searching over my face.
"Yep." I nod as I check her bandages.
"You?"
I grin and shrug my shoulders like it was nothing. "Five by five."
She pauses for a second and then grabs my hand that's fiddling with the gauze on her neck. A scared little look creeps up on her face.
"And . . . us?"
It makes me smile a little softer, a little sadder perhaps, and I open my palm to cup the side of her face.
"Strong enough to get past anything."
A small smile appears on her face and she opens her mouth to speak, but I put my finger over her lips to shush her.
"B . . . we're gonna have to talk, and we're gonna have to figure some stuff out, but . . . not tonight. Let's just . . . be. And we can sort it all out in the morning, 'kay?"
She nods her head a little and kisses my finger before guiding my hand down to her stomach, wrapping it over her and tugging me closer in the process. I chuckle a little because that was such a move that she woulda tried weeks ago to pull me closer and get snuggles outta me.
And yunno what? I'll be damned if it doesn't work every single time.
I scoot closer to her on my side and nestle myself along her body, my arm draped loosely over her and keeping her close to me.
This is the way things are supposed to be. Me and B, soft and close and in each other's arms. We can deal with all the technical stuff another time. Right now is about feeling, and this feels more right than I can say.
We're gonna make it past this . . . because we have to. Doubts or not . . . this is where I belong.
For the first time in ages, I fall asleep peaceful and easily.
