Chapter Four
She was out cold when I waltzed in. She was also naked, at least from the waist up. I just had to look for a second because as fucked up as she was, she was still so damn beautiful.
She looked just like herself when she was out of it. Her face didn’t have that hardness and her…Suck it up, right? Not the time for me to start writin’ love poems and shit. It was time to step up and get it rolling. Okay then, roll away.
I pulled the curtains open, and the light came streaming in. She moaned, turned the other way, and pulled the covers up over her head. I yanked’em right the fuck off the bed and tossed’em across the room. FYI: Waist down too.
The look I saw on her face when my eyes finally got up there, well it was priceless. She was shocked, then confused, then pissed beyond belief. At first she couldn’t get her eyes to focus, but when they did, they caught me right in the crosshairs.
“Morning, B. Breakfast is ready, and I knew ya wouldn’t wanna miss it. We’re having a big ‘Welcome Back Faith’ chow down. Hurry it up or we’re gonna be late.”
She didn’t so much as budge.
“Have you completely lost your fucking mind?”
“Ya mean again? Probably, but that’s not something we got time to get into right now. Shake a leg, and while you’re at it ya might wanna throw on some clothes.”
She got that look on her face and started stretching all slow and revealing.
“Why? Does it bother you seeing me all naked in bed?”
“Yeah, seeing The Slayer looking like some used skank whore is kind of a downer, for sure. I’m hoping clothes and some food can make ya look a little less like such a fucked up mess.”
Man, was she ever pissed. She wanted to punch me, but she knew at the moment she wasn’t much of a match. She’d been doing whatever she’d been doing all night, probably right up until a couple of hours ago, and it was easy to see she wasn’t feeling too good.
She had no chance to take me, but it was killing her not to try. I saw her eyes start darting around, so I thought I’d clear it up for her:
“No drugs. Flushed’em all last night. There’s aspirin on the breakfast table, so let’s get moving.”
She half sat up then, a little too fast, and her hand went to her head:
“You threw…You threw my stuff away? Are you out of your fucking mind?!”
“Appreciate you phrasing it different, but the answer’s still the same. As for the other question, the answer is ‘yes’, I tossed your drugs. Something you shoulda done a long time ago. You didn’t, so I did.”
“Are you…”
“Seriously B, ya ask me that again, I’m gonna think you’re due a stint in the nuthouse. Now get moving or I’m gonna move ya.”
She kinda flexed her arms, like she was loosening up for a fight:
“You are, are you?”
“Oh, I absolutely am. Look, I’m not one of your little Scooby pals. Got all the Slayer strength you do, and unlike you I’m still able to use it.”
“Is this a joke? You’ve never been able to take me. Why don’t I just kick your ass right now?”
I laughed at her, and it didn’t look like she was finding the funny. Well neither was I.
“Because you can’t. You’re hung over, strung out, and you can barely keep your eyes open ‘cause the sunlight’s nailin’ ya. Me? Early riser now, stayed in shape, and I’m feelin’ good. Can so kick your ass without even breaking a sweat, and we both know it. Now get up…not asking again.”
I could practically see her mind spinning, looking this way and that for a way out. She was furious and right on the edge of trying to fight me. I was ready, I was just hoping she wasn’t gonna try it.
I sounded all confident, but I was kinda bluffing. I mean this was Buffy, and no matter how low she’d sunk, she was still tough. She was no easy opponent at any time in any way, and if she wasn’t so screwed up she’d be giving me more than a run for my money.
But she was screwed up, physically, emotionally, and in this case the most important screwed up factor was the mental one. She didn’t believe in herself anymore, so she was taking what I said like it was the gospel, like I knew what was true. Normally Buffy would never let anyone tell her what she could and couldn’t do, but right now Buffy wasn’t home, so I got away with it.
She got up looking shaky and pathetic. I tossed her some pajamas, and although her eyes made it clear she was wishing me dead, she put’em on.
“Can I piss by myself or do you want to come along?”
“No clue if you can do anything by yourself. Looks like everything’s a big challenge for ya, but I’m hoping you can still manage your bodily functions. It ain’t gonna surprise me much if you can’t.”
“Fuck you, Faith.”
I gave her my cockiest smirk:
“Nah, don’t think so. Like my partners a little more coherent and hygienic.”
She slammed the bathroom door, and I heard her swear when the noise hurt her head. I kept my Slayer hearing all the way up, even though I didn’t think she was in any shape to run. Still, Buffy wasn’t exactly predictable, especially when she was mad, so there was no sense taking any chances.
I opened the door when I heard her finish washing her hands, and I caught a glimpse of her in the mirror. I mean the real her, and she looked scared and lost. My heart went out to her ‘cause I knew just how that felt, but before it could make a difference, she had her mask back in place:
“Get the hell out of my way.”
I stepped back to let her pass.
“Sure. Just watch yourself on the stairs. You’re not lookin’ all that steady.”
“I think I can handle it.”
“You can’t handle anything B, that’s the problem.”
Steam shot out of her ears, but she clenched her jaw to stop herself from saying anything else. I could almost see her head pounding as we went downstairs. I’d opened every curtain I could find as wide as I could, and the light was killing her. Hell, even Willow looked like it was too bright.
“Morning, Buffy.”
“Yes, it seems to be. Is this your idea, Willow?”
I answered before Willow could say a word:
“All mine, B. Figured it’d be fun for us to have a big breakfast together. Ya know, the whole gang, or what’s left of it. Just like old times.”
She didn’t say a word as she took a seat at the table.
“Plus we got business to go over. Red tells me there’s a big bad ya gotta take care of. Guess maybe you forgot about it.”
“I didn’t forget. When I see it, I’ll take care of it.”
“So you been keepin’ an eye out, yeah? Bet you’d have better luck if you maybe tried patrolling. Kinda hard to find it in a club or between somebody’s legs.”
Her next sentence cost her, I could see that it did, but you know sometimes you just can’t offer up any mercy.
“Could we just stop now? All of this is killing my head.”
Red went sympathetic in a second, but before she could make a move or a sound, I jumped right in:
“It is? Sorry to hear that, B.”
“Maybe we could just close some of the curtains, that would really help.”
“Yeah, bet it would. Know what else would help? If you’d take your head out of your ass and stop drinking every night. Or hey, maybe you could stop putting every fucking thing you find into your body.”
Her hands were rubbing at her temples, and her voice was way on the shaky side:
“All I’m asking is…”
“Curtains are staying open. The rest of us are normal and like to see the sunshine. Your head hurts? Then take the aspirin and stop whining. Nobody forced you to act like an asshole, you wanted to. Maybe not your best idea.”
I went and got the food, and when I got to her plate I dished it out just as big as I could. I saw her flinch when I flung it on her plate, and for a minute I was sure she was gonna hurl. She hung on though, and I sat down.
“Eat up, B.”
“What? Now you’re going to force me to eat?”
I was wolfing my food down because who knew how much longer this was gonna go before she blew.
“If I gotta. But I’m hoping you’re a big enough girl to know you lost this round.”
Her eyes met mine, then they slid away, and I knew what was coming.
“…Will, I’m sorry I scared you. I know things haven’t been good, but we don’t need Faith here. We can get through this, if you and Xander still want to help me. I know I kind of shut you guys out, but we’ve always been there for each other and…”
“Knock it off. Red might feel for ya, but she’s not stupid. I’m not leaving, no matter what kinda shit you start shoveling. You’re not foolin’ anybody in any way……Now eat.”
If looks could kill. I knew I was really gonna be paying for all of this somewhere not too far down the line, and it wasn’t something I was looking forward to.
Suddenly Willow spoke up, and I could have kissed her for doing it.
“Buffy, I am scared. I’ve told you that more times than I can count, but you didn’t care then and you don’t care now. The way you just tried to manipulate me, well that tells me all I need to know. I’ve begged you to let me help you, but you just won’t. That’s your right I guess, but as your friend I’ve got rights too. I did what I needed to do…Faith stays.”
Buffy never even glanced at her. She just sat there picking kinda delicate at her food like she didn’t know what it was for.
I shoved her plate closer to her and when our eyes met, I braced myself for her fork to come whizzing at my forehead. Instead she took a tiny bite and struggled to get it to go down and stay there.
We were all quiet for a few, and then here came Xander. The guy had perfect timing, and he brought doughnuts and normalness with him.
“Hey, guys! Doughnuts free of charge.”
It was time to ramp things up a notch or two:
“Cool. What’d ya get?”
“A full spread of doughy goodness for my girls.”
“Grab some jelly ones?”
Xander looked almost offended:
“Why, of course. You can never purchase doughnuts for this crowd without including the deliciously squishy jelly doughnut.”
I reached out, and he handed me the box. I sat it down and began rooting around:
“Sure gonna be a treat not to have to fight Giles to the death for it. Man’s serious about his jelly doughnuts.”
I sensed, more than saw, her reaction when I said the “G” word. Willow had clued me in on the fact that B had forbidden them to talk about Giles or Dawn around her. Oh well, new player in town with all new rules.
“So how is Giles?”
B was not liking this at all. Good. I kept right on going.
“What’s the word on when he’s coming back? Doesn’t seem right with him gone, can’t believe he’d leave like that again. When did he…”
Buffy started to get up.
“Sit down, B.”
“I’m not staying for this.”
“Think you are.”
She looked at me then, and it didn’t look like she was all that pleased.
“I don’t want to talk about him.”
“Yeah? Well too bad, ‘cause I do. Since I’m in charge of your strung out ass, what I say goes.”
“The hell it does!”
The fight was brief because she was strung out and I was ready. I had her back in her chair in about fifteen seconds, and she looked like she was gonna puke or pass out.
“Don’t move again until I tell ya you can.”
Willow and Xander looked a little freaked, but they didn’t comment.
“So I was saying, when did Giles split?”
Willow’s eyes went to Buffy briefly, but she sucked it up and answered:
“It was about four months ago.”
“How come?”
“He…Well he couldn’t…”
“Gonna have to tie you there, B?”
“…No.”
“Good. He couldn’t what, Red?”
I felt bad for Willow, but there was no other way to play this.
“He couldn’t stand to watch what Buffy was doing to herself.”
“Plenty tough to stomach alright. Been just a few hours for me, and I can barely take it. So what was the final straw?”
Buffy’s head jerked up, and she gave Willow a hard ass stare:
“Willow, don’t you dare get into…”
“Knock off the threats and the big scary Slayer stare. Not too effective when ya can barely stand. Red, you got the floor.”
She looked like she’d be way happy to give it back, but this was Willow. She was tough too, and she loved Buffy. No way was she gonna back down.
“Buffy brought some…people home. They were scary and Dawnie had to call Giles for help. She went to live with him, and a week later they both left for England.”
I turned to look at Buffy:
“Can see why ya didn’t wanna get into it. So ya put Squirt in danger, then what? Gave Giles the chance to catch you screwing some lowlife? Pretty impressive set-up ya ran, B.”
“He betrayed me, and I don’t want…”
I laughed at her:
“Not really how it went down, is it B? Giles would never turn on you, it was you who did the betraying, right? Just kept pushing him ‘til you got him backed into a corner. Forced him to give you an ultimatum, then you scared Dawn and made him run.”
She just sat in her chair all still, and I kept talking.
“What’d ya do to Squirt? Make her think you didn’t love her, that she didn’t matter to ya anymore? Did ya tell her she was dragging you down, ruining your good time? Bet you said all kinds of shit to hurt her and push her away.”
She was gripping onto the table now, her knuckles turning white.
“You like knowing they’re hurting and feeling all guilty and helpless and scared for you? That part of the ‘good’ feeling you were telling me about? ‘Cause I gotta tell ya B, sure doesn’t look like it feels good at all. Fact is, it looks like it’s killing you.”
Now she was on the edge of her chair, her legs under her like she was gonna spring into action.
“Hey, while we’re chatting, what’s the deal with Soulboy? How the hell did you ever get him to turn tail? Wait, don’t tell me, let me guess. Did ya start acting all sexy like you were gonna fuck him? Make it so he had to go or you were gonna take his soul? Is that what ya did B, scare the shit right outta Angel? Come on, tell me. I’m right, yeah?”
“Go to hell.”
“Can’t seem to shake Willow and Xander though, can ya? Pisses you right off, doesn’t it? Man, this is so you. Never did appreciate all the good stuff you had. Nice house, three squares a day, good clothes, all that material shit. Plus ya got friends who love you, friends who’d fucking die for you, and a Watcher who loves ya so much, he got canned for it. Worst thing is your dad’s an asshole who doesn’t give a shit about you, but that’s how fucking lucky you are. Real dad’s no good? You get handed another one who’s damn near perfect. Throw in a great mom who…”
“Shut your fucking mouth!”
“…gets sick and dies, then what? You gotta turn it into your own deal. Poor Joyce’s head explodes on her, but you make it all about you. You found her, you couldn’t save her, you gotta look after Dawn, you can’t do it, you might fuck it up, and on and on and on. Jesus B, you’re such a whining little baby. Wonder what your mom would say if she knew all the shit you’d been doin’. Bet you’d be a huge disappointment to…”
And then finally, here she came. It wasn’t the pathetic imposter I’d been dealing with, this was Buffy. Her eyes were alive, on fire with a passion I hadn’t seen since I’d been back. She was full of feeling, humming with it.
Course the downside to that was, what she was feeling and humming was an intense hatred for me. Oh well, can’t always have it your own way, can ya? Sometimes just comes down to the whole life, lemons, lemonade deal.
Her fist hit me with enough force to break anyone else’s jaw, and I flew back across the room. She came right after me and got in five, no, six good shots before I could get her off me. I was hurting, maybe had a busted rib, but I wasn’t anywhere near done for.
She could still hit like a mad as hell Slayer, but I was betting her stamina was for shit. That didn’t help me much as she whipped a kick right at that painful rib I mentioned. Fuck she was fast, and I just managed to catch her foot and flip her into the air before she connected.
Normally she’d have spun herself into a fighting position by the time she landed, but hangovers as bad as hers always kinda throw you off your game. Plus, no way was flipping and spinning on the list of things she wanted to do. Not if she wanted to keep the contents of her stomach on the inside.
She bumped a chair as she landed, losing her balance just a little bit, and that was all I needed. I was on her with an advantage, and even though it was just a small thing really, it was enough for another Slayer to take control of the fight. I had her restrained in thirty seconds, give or take. It was only when I was positive I had her secured, that I dared to look at Willow and Xander.
They were standing back against the far wall, and they were looking terrified and hopeful at the same time. It was like they couldn’t believe what they’d just seen, the good and the bad. I spoke to them as calmly as I could while B called me everything in the book, as well as the sequel I’d never read. She was doing her best to break loose, but there was no way that was gonna happen.
“You guys mind clearing out to give me and B some alone time? We’d really appreciate it.”
They left without saying a thing, and B kept right on telling me in really vivid words what she was gonna do to me when she got loose. None of it sounded good to me, in fact most of it sounded downright scary, so I kept her right where she was. Made me wicked glad I had superpowers, ya know?
After a long time that seemed a helluva lot longer, she finally stopped struggling. Still, no dummy here, and I kept my grip Slayer strong.
“Sorry about bringing your mom up like that. Had to see if you were still in there, and the good news is you are. Know ya don’t wanna admit it, I know ya can’t, but you don’t want this anymore. This isn’t you B, you’re way better than this.”
She didn’t move or say a word.
“I been right where you’re at, and it took a knife in my gut, a coma, and a long prison stretch to fix me up. You’re not that far gone yet, and I’m not letting you get there. I know ya wanna pound me into a bloody pulp right now, and I don’t blame you at all for that. Pretty sure you’ll get your chance not too far down the line, but this isn’t it. Thinking we should get you into the shower, it’ll make ya feel better.”
We stayed where we were for another couple of minutes, just kinda letting things settle. When I felt like shit was where it should be, I spoke up:
“Letting go now, B.”
And I did, jumping back out of range in one move. She didn’t do anything for a few seconds, then she got to her feet in what looked like slow motion.
The look on her face wouldn’t have been called encouraging by anyone but me. In fact, think it’s safe to say most people probably woulda shit their pants to see her looking at them like that. Not me though, and in this case I was the only one who mattered.
So what was so encouraging to me? I could see her. Just as plain as day, I could see her. She was trying to hide, had her fucking mask back in place, had everything all covered up and safe, but I could still see her there.
“I hate you, Faith.”
“I know ya do.”
“I’m going to make you pay.”
“Got no doubt about that.”
“I’m going to make you sorry you ever started this.”
“Guess I’ll just have to deal.”
“I’ll make sure you can’t.”
“Price I gotta pay then ‘cause you’re not going where I went…no matter what price I end up paying.”
“You could still leave.”
“No B, I really couldn’t.”
“Fine, just remember it was your choice.”
“Sure you’re gonna remind me.”
“Oh, you can count on that…F.”
