Chapter Twelve

Dawn's dinner was flat-out delicious. Turns out she'd been taking  some cooking classes or something. You couldn't have found a more  surprised group than all of us, `cept Giles who was a skunk who knew  all about it and played along.

Got no idea what all the food was called, but I know I packed it away  like it was my last meal. Everybody else ate like pigs too. Dawnie  threatened Xander with that rank jello combo from earlier, but what  she gave us was chocolate cake. By the time that was gone, I was  fucking stuffed.

Giles took off for some watching the paint dry meeting, and B,  Willow, and Xander volunteered to do the cleanup. That left just me  and Julia Child, so I figured now was as good a time as any to have  our talk. We were long overdue for it, so we headed out back and sat  down on the bench by the birdbath.

"That was an awesome spread ya laid out, Squirt."

She looked really proud and pleased with herself, and she oughta.  Isn't everyday ya get to blow everybody away.

"Thanks. Pretty big surprise, huh?"

"If G-man tells us he's a woman tonight, well ya still got him beat."

We both laughed thinking about that whole scene.

"So Dawn…"

"So Faith…"

"Guess we oughta talk."

"I guess."

I took a deep breath and just said it, no sense dragging things out:

"Wanna start off by telling you as real as possible that I'm sorry. I  shouldn't have left without telling you goodbye."

"Why did you?"

"Lotta reasons that are too hard to…You know what? Screw that. I'm  gonna tell ya straight, but I need you to keep it to yourself. Can ya  do that?"

She was all pissed and excited at the same time:

"Of course I can! I'm not a little kid anymore."

"No, you're not. Okay then, here it is: I had to go, I didn't wanna.  It was hard to make myself leave, and I knew if I started doing the  goodbyes, well no way was I gonna be able to do it."

She turned to look at me dead-on, her eyes all serious as they  drilled into mine:

"Why?"

"Because I loved B, and she didn't feel anything like that for me. It  was killing me, and I finally just had to go."

"Oh…….Ohhh…"

"Yeah, I'd say that about sums it up."

We sat still for a while, both of us surprised. Her with the truth,  and me `cause I'd said it so easy. After a few minutes, I decided to  get it back on track. Me loving B wasn't really the point of this  talk.

"Anyway, that's still not a good excuse for the way I treated you.  You were definitely owed a heads-up before I bailed…I'm sorry, Dawn."

"…"

"It was just fucked up, all of it. I was fucked up, and I felt like I  was gonna die for real if I didn't haul ass, so I just motored. Not  the best thing I've ever done."

She looked at me just like that little girl I'd met so long ago, and  I felt like shit.

"No it wasn't. It's just…well it really hurt, you know? It was like  you didn't care about me anymore, like maybe you never really did. I  kept hoping for a long time that you'd call or write to me, and when  you didn't, it seemed like you'd just forgotten about me, about all  of us."

Fuck…

"That's not true, that won't ever be true. You're the closest I've  ever come to family…I guess running off without saying shit isn't a  great way to show how much I care."

Then she did something incredible. She smiled at me and gave me this  big hug.

"It's okay, stuff happens. I'm just glad you're back."

What a great kid she is. As far as I could tell I didn't deserve her  forgiving me, but she did, and right or wrong I was gonna take it.

We finally pulled loose and sat looking up at the stars. I never did  get that shit. It always looks like a buncha lights just hanging up  there, all hit and miss. Big Dipper, my ass.

"Faith?"

"Yeah?"

"You still love her, don't you?"

I just kept staring at the stars, hoping I could wait her out.

"Have you ever told her?"

"Nope, don't have the guts for that. Wouldn't matter anyway."

"But if you told her, then maybe she'd…"

"Hey, it's cool. That's my shit to handle, and I don't want you  worrying about it."

Dawn's like Buffy in a lotta ways, probably why I like her so much.  Once she gets a hold of something, she's not putting it down `til  she's done with it.

"But Faith, if she knew she might…"

"Dawnie, I appreciate the concern, really. But sometimes things just… well sometimes they're not meant to be, ya know? This is one of  those, and it's okay."

"Yeah but…"

"See, that's the thing. There are no `buts', much as we might want  there to be. Now come on, enough of this shit, let's talk about  somethin' else."

Oh fuck, the look on her face.

"Hey now, remember you promised me?"

"…"

"Dawn…"

"I know I promised, but…Okay, I won't say a word."

"And?"

"Fine, no hints either."

"Thanks."

"But you're making a mistake."

I decided to ignore that, and get the conversation to someplace else:

"Man, can't believe how grown up you are. Bet ya gotta beat the boys  off with a big ass stick."

There was a bit of a pause before she answered, but she let me off  the hook:

"Well there is this one guy I wish I had to beat off…Okay, that did  not come out right at all. I just mean I wish I knew if he…"

"Give him time, but not too much. If he can't figure out just how  special you are, then he's way too stupid for ya anyways."

"That sounds like it could apply to my sister too."

See what I'm saying? She never wants to let go.

"Now c'mon Squirt, it's not B's fault. We got a lot of history  standing between us."

"Maybe, but she's still an idiot."

"That's it now, no more `Buffy' talk. So, any chance this hot guy's  the Brit who keeps calling?"

"Yep, they're one in the same."

Her eyes got all dreamy when she started thinking about him, it was  all kinds of cute.

"Okay tell ya what, answer me one question and I'll let you know if  he likes ya or not."

"Can you really do that?! From just one question?"

"Hey, it's me. Course I can. Just make sure you really wanna  know `cause I'm not gonna sugarcoat it for ya, no matter which way it  goes."

She thought it over for a few seconds:

"No, I want to know. Ask me, Faith."

"Okay. Has he made any plans to come here?"

"He's coming to California when the semester ends. He's going to stay  with his aunt for three months."

"He's all yours."

She stood up, did this weird jumping in place thing, then sat back  down.

"Really? Faith, are you positive?"

"Hey, I ever been wrong about shit like this?"

"No…No! Oh my God, he likes me!"

"And way more than just a little."

She hugged me like I'd set them up.

"This is just great!"

"Sure is."

"He's so handsome too. And smart and funny and sweet and…"

She went on singing his praises for quite a while, and it was really  adorable.

"Why are you smiling at me like that? Am I talking too much?"

"Nope. Just happy to be with you, Squirt. Shit, guess I oughta stop  calling you that."

"You don't have to, I kind of like it. Besides, I guess I'll always  be a squirt to you, no matter how old I am."

"Yeah, think that's how it goes."

"It's nice to have a nickname again. Spike still calls me…I mean, he  used to call me…"

"'Nibblet' and `Little Bit', I remember. I was really sorry to hear  what happened, he was a great guy."

"…Yeah."

She suddenly looked like she was gonna cry, and it was pretty obvious  she needed to talk about him. Guess it's a Summers' thing.

"He sure loved you, no doubt about that."

"Yeah…Did you hear the whole story?"

"Think I did, but interested in hearing your version if ya wanna tell  it."

"Will you promise not to tell anyone?"

"Shit Dawnie, I'm still luggin' around secrets of yours from when you  were a kid."

She couldn't help smiling a little at that `cause she knew it was  true. When she was younger, practically everything out of her mouth  had to be a secret, even what her favorite candy bar was.

"Yeah, you never did tell anyone anything if I asked you not to."

"And the same deal's still in place. You got something to say, you  can tell me."

She took a deep breath, then another, and I hated how sad she looked.

"It was my fault, Faith. I killed Spike."

"Not how I heard it at all. How ya figure?"

"I was such a pest, and I made Buffy take me on patrol."

"Wow, so you're the one who can make B do stuff. Sure coulda used you  the last coupla months."

"You know what I mean."

"Yeah I do, and you're nuts."

"What?"

"I said you're fucking crazy."

She got up, all pissed off:

"Well thanks so much for listening."

I grabbed her arm and pulled her back down.

"Man, can't be more obvious you two are related. Just hang on a  minute and hear me out, okay?"

She was still mad, but she relaxed a little bit.

"Go ahead."

"No way Spike dying was your fault. It's plain as can be all that  rests on Buffy's shoulders. She's the one who let ya tag along, then  when she had the chance to save you guys, she blew it. It's  definitely B's fault, not yours."

That had her on her feet again:

"No it wasn't! Faith, she tried so hard, there just wasn't anything  else she could do."

I looked like I was thinking it over.

"Guess it's on Spike then. He shoulda told B he didn't want you  coming along. Plus then he just grabs onto ya when if he'd have just  waited a sec, him and B coulda figured out some other way to help  you. He shouldn't have been so reckless and…"

"But it wasn't like that! It all happened so fast, there wasn't any  time to talk about it and plan stuff out! I was getting pulled in  and…"

"And just where the hell was Willow? If she'd have been with you guys  like she shoulda been, she coulda used some mojo and…"

"Faith, that's crazy! She didn't know what was going to happen!"

"No, she didn't. Neither did anyone else."

She sat back down, her face all full of emotion.

"Dawn, it's not your fault, it's not anybody's."

"But…"

"It was awful, the worst thing that coulda happened, but none of you  caused it. How the hell could anybody predict some crazy ass thing  like that going down?"

I put my hand on her shoulder:

"Slaying's a dangerous gig, so's being the Slayer's sister and  friend. Spike knew the risks, and he chose to accept'em."

She started crying a little, and I pulled her into a hug.

"It's not your fault, Dawnie. You know I'd tell you if it was."

She let it all loose then, and I felt so bad for her. What a shit  thing for her to have to deal with, but at least she was getting it  out.

"You're never gonna get over losing Spike. It's always gonna hurt,  just like it still hurts that you lost your mom and Tara. Not a thing  you can do about that part of it, but don't beat yourself up over  something you had no control over."

I just held onto her, and she went on sobbing for a long time. I  waited until she was just regular crying before I spoke up:

"I know for a fact what you meant to Spike, and he would never want  you thinking it was on you. He did a brave thing, and he did  it `cause he loved you. Keep doing this guilt, pretty soon you're  gonna start taking away all the good in what he did. That's not right  Dawn, not in any way. He deserves a lot more than that from you."

She wasn't bawling anymore, just the sniffles, but she sorta snuggled  into me and I kept holding her tight. Wasn't too long before she  tried talking:

"…It's…It's just so hard."

"Yeah it is, but you still gotta let it go. Otherwise, all you're  doing is shitting all over what Spike did for you. Trust me Dawn,  there's gonna be plenty of things you'll fuck up in your life that  you'll have to feel guilty about. Don't take on stuff you don't  gotta."

"…I guess you're right."

"Bet your ass I am! `Sides, think we both know Spike was a complete  glory hound. He'd want full credit for what he did, and he's gotta be  way pissed that you and B aren't telling his story over and over."

She laughed at that and sat up.

"Yeah, he'd really be bragging for sure."

"Like I said, he was a great guy."

"He liked you a lot too. He tried to explain to me why you left, but  I didn't get what he meant. I do now."

"Nice to hear he had my back."

She was done crying, and she looked a lot better.

"He said I shouldn't hold it against you, that you just couldn't help  it. He said he'd been there, and I thought he meant running off. I  didn't get that he meant loving Buffy."

"Well, it was nice of him for sure, but I'm still sorry I hurt you."

"It's okay, I understand……Not that I understand why all the coolest  people fall in love with her. What's that all about?"

"Guess there's no explaining it, but I'll tell ya, talking things  over with you has made me realize something."

"What's that?"

"Well, I think everything really is B's fault. Wanna hold her down  while I beat the snot outta her? Thinking together we might be able  to take her."

Her smile was huge as she pretended to consider it:

"Hmmm…I guess we'd better not, but boy do I ever wish somebody would  have filmed it when you slugged her with the phone!"

"Fuck, shoulda seen it, Squirt. She went out cold, just like that!"

We completely lost it then, I mean screaming out loud, bug shit  crazy, totally nuts, lost it.

It was awesome, but then I happened to look up and oh shit, B was  making her way over.

"Well the clean-up's all done. What a mess, but I guess that's the  price you pay for…Hey, what's so funny?"

"N…N…Nothing, B."

She wasn't buying it, how could she?

"What do you mean, `nothing'? You guys are laughing like crazy  people, how can it be `nothing'? Tell me, what is it?"

I had control of myself until Dawn piped up:

"Hey Buffy, do you hear the phone ringing?"

"What? No, I don't think so. Are you waiting for a call?"

Oh God, I was gone. I had to bend over, and it was a struggle just to  breathe.

"Nope, I thought you were."

Shit, Dawn was trying to kill me or get me killed. She staggered off  to the safety of the house, giggling all the way as she left me alone  with B.

"Me? I'm not expecting any…Dawnie, are you okay?"

I was praying she'd just shut up, but no, Squirt had to keep going:

"My mistake. Maybe it was a wrong number or a bad connection."

She went into the house, but even with the door closed we could still  hear her laughing.

B turned to me with one of those smiles ya do when other people are  making you laugh, but ya got no idea why.

"Faith, what is going on?"

"Uh…no clue, B. Ready to patrol?"

"What do you mean, `no clue'? You were laughing too."

I tried to turn away, but her hand on my arm kept me facing her:

"Okay Faith, spill it."

I swear to God, I did every fucking thing I could to hold it in, but  I just couldn't do it. I burst into hysterics again.

B just stood there confused, trying to figure it out…out loud.

"Okay, you guys were laughing…Dawnie's being all Dawnie…And what's  with the phone comments? I don't…Oh no, you weren't. Faith, tell me  you guys weren't…You were, you totally were. You're laughing about  hitting me in the head with the phone! I can't believe this!"

"No, that's not what we were laughing about. I swear B, it was just… We weren't laughing about that."

"Yes you were, I can tell!"

"Honest B, that's not what we were…"

Dawn had to choose that exact moment to stick her head out the door:

"Buffy, the telephone's for you!"

She started screaming with laughter again as she slammed the door  shut. B whirled around to look at me, but I kept a straight face…for  about five seconds.

"I knew it!"

"…Fuck…I…I'm sorry…B!"

Least that's what I tried to get out, but I was laughing so hard, I  don't think I did too good a job.

B was laughing pretty good too, but before she could really say  anything, Xander came walking over to us. Thank God, `cause a change  of topic couldn't hurt.

"Buff, I'm glad I caught you before you left. I've been meaning to  ask you which one of these you prefer."

Buffy looked all confused again:

"Which one of what, Xander?"

"Cordless, cell, or big heavy head cracker."

Then he was off and running back inside.

"Xander Harris!"

"Bye, ladies! Time to pursue your calling!"

B looked at me:

"You know, I still can't believe you did that."

"Self-preservation. It was either that, or let you kill me."

"Well I'm just happy all of you are so amused by the thought of me  getting my brains bashed in."

"Was kinda funny…I mean yeah, what the fuck's wrong with everybody?"

"Buffy, don't worry. We'll hold all your calls!"

"Shut up, Will!"

I grabbed her arm:

"C'mon B, let's go patrol and let it die down."

"Hey Buffy, watch out for phone booths!"

She turned to head back to the house, but I kept pulling her forward.

"I've got an idea Dawnie, why don't all of you go shove a…"

"Bye, guys! Here we go, B."

"Everyone's such a comedian tonight."

"Aw, poor B. Where's that famous sense of humor?"

"I guess someone knocked it right out of my head."

"Well, you were kinda actin' up. Had to call ya on it."

"…Is this going to go on all night?"

She was doing her best to look pissed, but the big grin wasn't  helping her much.

"Not sure. Your call."

"Faith…"

"Okay, not like ya gotta beat me over the head with it."

"I'd like to though."

"Alright, I'll be good."

"Thank you."

"…"

"…"

"…"

She let out a gigantic sigh:

"Go ahead."

"Nah, gonna be mature now…It's just…well there's an awful  lotta `phoning it in' and `playing phone tag' jokes gettin' left  unsaid. It's tough to let'em go, but it's the least I can do for ya,  B."

"Yes it is, F…The very least."

"Hey, just callin'em like I see'em."

"Oh, you're too kind."

"Fuck, sure got my number."

We started laughing like nuts again, and she looked so happy and  normal, well I kinda lost my head. She was just so damn beautiful  with her face all lit up and alive…

Before I knew what I was doing, I was moving towards her. She was  still smiling as she just stood there, looking me right in the eye as  I got closer. And closer.

Way off in the distance I could hear this voice telling me to stop,  but no fucking way could I stop. It was like I was being drawn to  her, like I didn't have a say so. Her smile was so warm, and it was  pulling me to her one step at a time. No way could anything stop me,  not when…

Next thing ya know, I'm on my ass. That's right, hard as it is to  believe, three vamps picked that exact moment to jump us. Plus they  were so damn dumb, they didn't even peg us as Slayers. Maybe they  figured it out as they dusted, but I wouldn't bet on it.

Well, you know how it goes. The moment was over, and there was no  getting it back. I knew it'd never been real, not really, but for a  second it had been mine. When it comes to B, that's the best I ever  get.

We kept patrolling, and as we walked around killing bad guys, B did  that Buffy thing where she just rambles on about the weirdest shit.  She gets it going, and you can barely stay with her. She starts off  way over there, then somehow brings it all back around until it makes  perfect sense. It's like listening to the cutest, sexiest, crazy ass  genius at work.

She stayed happy like that the whole night, and so did I. I hated for  the patrol to end, but everything's got its limits.

"I guess we got them all."

"Wanna call it, B?"

"Faith…"

"What? Just sayin' it looks like time to wrap it up."

"Uh-huh."

"Man, gotta read somethin' into everything? Lighten up a little."

She looked sorta embarrassed:

"Okay, maybe I was being a little paranoid."

"Yeah, maybe ya oughta call somebody about that."

"Faith…"

"Well, we'd better motor. Bet ya got a shitload a calls waitin'."

"If you don't stop…"

"Probably so many, it'll knock ya out."

"Oh I'm almost positive that someone is going to get knocked out."

We started walking, me in front of her going backwards so I could see  her face.

"I'll tell ya B, it's amazing all the special features they offer  now. There's…"

"How old are you?"

"…Call Waiting, Caller ID, Caller Upside the Head."

"Faith…"

"Ever played phone tag? I have. Once I tagged this blonde chick right  in…OW!"

"I'm sorry, were you saying something?"

"Better let go, B."

"Or what?"

"Got me a calling card, and I ain't afraid to use it."

We were both laughing and struggling.

"Oh look, is that a phone booth I see?"

"Since I can't see shit from down here, gonna let you make the call."

"Well in that case, I think we should `motor' over there."

"Sorry B, not budging `til you…OW!"

She had me in a headlock, and she started dragging me over to the  world's scariest phone booth.

"Oh come on, I'll bet you're just dying to make a call."

"Yeah now that ya mention it, what's the number for 911?"

"Ooh, look how shiny it is."

"You know, think I'm close enough so…OW!"

"Was there any change in the coin return?"

"Nope, guess ya gotta call collect."

She tightened her grip:

"You know, I've heard somewhere if you hit it just right, it'll jar  some coins loose."

"B, c'mon!"

"Now what can I use? It has to be something hard…"

"Okay, let's not forget we're all pals here."

She moved me closer…Fuck, it was really shiny.

"I'm sorry, I couldn't quite hear you. I think maybe we have a bad  connection."

"Alright, what's it gonna take to keep my head in one piece?"

"Gee, I don't know. I think you're just going to have to accept the  charges."

She made a move like it was time to get started with the collecting:

"Wait! I'll buy you an espresso."

"Hmm...Will you make it a double?"

"Sure, no problem. I'll even throw in a few blueberry muffins…We good  now?"

She let go, and the smile on her face was all Buffy:

"Five by five, F."

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